Family Ties Transcripts

KEATON KITCHEN 
(Alex and Jennifer are present.) 

Alex: 		This is ridiculous, where do they come up with this
		stuff? 
Jennifer:	What's the matter Alex? 
Alex: 		All freshmen are required to take a humanities course.
Jennifer:	What's so bad about that? 
Alex: 		Well the choices are absurd. Listen to this one,
		Humanities 1. Man, society, civilization, and the
		universe. How am I supposed to relate to this stuff?
Jennifer: 	Just don't talk in class, and they'll think you're one
		of them. 
Alex: 		Jennifer, I'm in college to learn about money, not
		people. 
Jennifer: 	Alex, there's more to life than just getting rich.
		People who need people are the luckiest people in the
		world. 
Alex: 		Jennifer, people who have money don't need people.

(Mallory comes in blasting the radio.) 

Alex:		Oh, hey hey Mallory, can you possibly turn that up a
		little? I can still hear planes passing overhead.
Mallory: 	Sure. 
Alex: 		Mallory, look help me out will ya? I'm trying to go
		over my college courses here. You know, college? You
		might drive past one someday. 
Mallory: 	Stuff it Alex. 

(Alex turns the radio off, takes out the cassette and puts it in the
blender, ruining Jennifer's drink.) 

Jennifer 
and Mallory: 	Alex! 
Alex: 		That's the best that's ever sounded. 

(Mallory, Alex, and Jennifer start screaming at each other. Steven
walks in) 

Steven: 	Ah, another day begins here at Happy Acres. 

(Alex, Jennifer, and Mallory continue screaming.) 

Steven: 	I haven't even had my breakfast yet. I don't want to
		know. 

(Steven gets a glass and pours the contents of the blender into it.) 

Steven: 	I'm beginning to get curious. 
Alex: 		Alright dad, Mallory's music was driving me crazy, and
		I overreacted. 
Jennifer: 	Alex is just in a bad mood because they want him to
		be a human at college. 
Alex: 		Jennifer they don't want be to be a human, they want
		me to take a humanities course. 
Steven: 	Well that doesn't sound so bad. 
Alex: 		I don't know dad, maybe you can help me out with this.
		You have a commitment to social change. A love for the
		humanities. 
Steven: 	Well look, some of these courses look pretty
		interesting Alex. Why don't you sign up for
		Introduction to Abnormal Behavior? 
Jennifer: 	You can skip the introduction. 
Mallory: 	What about Psychology 3 - I'm Ok, You're Ok? 
Alex: 		First of all, you're not ok. Second of all, this is
		not a college course, it's a Phil Donahue show.
Steven: 	Ok, look, how about Sociology of the Family, The
		Hotline, or look Marriage and the Family?
Alex: 		Wait a minute dad, Hotline, what's that?
Steven: 	Hotline - A phone in counseling center where students
		earn credits by handling callers problems 2 nights a
		week. Satisfies humanities requirement. 
Alex: 		Yeah, you know this could be perfect. I could go to
		this hotline twice a week. I can bring along my books.
		I can catch up on my real courses. Stuff that has
		nothing to do with people. 


LELAND CAMPUS 

(Alex walks into the Hotline Center and bumps into James Jarret.) 

James: 		Watch it will ya? 
Alex: 		Sorry, next time I'll signal before I turn. Jarret? Is
		that you Jarret? 
James: 		Keaton, what are you doing here? 
Alex: 		I go to school here, what about you? 
James: 		I go to school here too. Hey how'd you get in? I
		thought they restricted the dull. 
Alex: 		Obviously not. 
James: 		So uh, what are you doing in this place? I mean a
		Hotline center is the last place I figure I'd run into
		someone like you. 
Alex: 		Yeah well I'm here because I wanna help, what do ya
		call it...people. 
James:		You're more sensitive than I thought. 
Alex: 		Hey Jarret, did I mention the fact that I won the
		McKinley scholarship? 
James: 		Ahh, that's not bad, I won the Steadman. 
Alex: 		I could've won the Steadman if I applied. I just
		figured the McKinley was a little more prestigious.

(James laughs.) 

James: 		Old grudges die hard, don't they Keaton? 
Alex: 		What are you talking about Jarret? 
James: 		You still can't get over my beating you in the
		regional spelling bee in the 3rd grade. 
Alex: 		Hey, you didn't beat me, I simply refused to spell
		democrat. 
Ms. Worthy: 	Who's next? 
Alex and 
James:	 	I am! 
Ms. Worthy: 	Well it's nice to see you're both so anxious. We like
		people with enthusiasm. Sit down. I'm Janice Worthy.
James: 		I'm James Jarret, regional spelling bee champion. This
		is Alex Keaton, came in 2nd. 
Ms. Worthy: 	Ah, Alex I see you're an economics major. Most of the
		counselors here are psychology majors. 
James: 		I'm a psychology major. 
Ms. Worthy: 	I'll get to you in just a second James. So tell me
		Alex, do you know many emotionally disturbed people?
Alex: 		Just family. 
Ms. Worthy: 	James, this resume is quite impressive. Worked with
		abused children. Volunteered at senior citizens home.
		Volunteer playground director. 
Alex: 		What did you do in your spare time, train guide dogs?
Ms. Worthy: 	Worked with guide dogs. Very admirable James.
Alex: 		Yeah, he's a saint.
Ms. Worthy: 	Let me explain how we work around here. The Hotline is
		a 24 hour service for Leland students with personal
		problems. 
Alex: 		Yeah, it's a terrific community service. And it also
		satisfies the humanities requirement, right?
Ms. Worthy: 	That's right. 
Alex: 		Great. I'm ready, when do I start? 
Ms. Worthy: 	You're training program will start tomorrow. As you
		become more comfortable with the job we'll give you
		more responsibilities. You won't actually be on the
		phone unsupervised for several weeks.
Alex: 		But we'll still get credit? 
Ms. Worthy: 	Yes Alex, you'll get credit. Oh, there's one more
		thing. Trainees work in pairs. You two will work as a
		team.
James: 		Us?
Ms. Worthy: 	Yes. Any objections?
James: 		No.
Alex: 		No.
James 
and Alex: 	I should be able to pull him through.


KEATON KITCHEN 
(Everyone except Elyse is present.) 

Alex: 		Ok, Jennifer ask me another question. 
Jennifer: 	What do you say to someone who calls with severe
		personal problems? 
Alex: 		I told you never to call me here. 
Jennifer: 	No it says speak in a soothing voice and try to keep
		the caller on the line. 
Alex: 		So close. 

(Car horn honks.) 

Alex: 		Whoa, that's James. I gotta go. 
Jennifer: 	Wait a minute Alex, it says you shouldn't use your
		real name. You should use a code name. 
Alex: 		Good point. Wouldn't want any of these crazed losers
		calling me at home. 
Steven: 	Thank you Mother Theresa. 
Alex: 		Ok, it says here to pick a name that's positive.
		Something like fate, hope, or charity, but something
		that accurately reflects your personality.
Mallory: 	How about greed?
Alex: 		Nah, it's probably taken.


HOTLINE CENTER 
(Alex and James walk up to Ms. Worthy's desk.) 

Alex: 		Hi Ms. Worthy, sorry we're late. It was James fault.
James: 		Thanks teammate.
Alex: 		Anyway, we're here, ready to go, where is everybody?
Ms. Worthy: 	We're really understaffed tonight. Allison and Peter
		have the flu. Robert has a midterm, and I was supposed
		to be out of here an hour ago.
Alex: 		Aww gee, that's too bad. I guess that means we're
		gonna have to close down tonight, huh? We'll still get
		credit for showing up though, right?
Ms. Worthy: 	We're not gonna have to close. Tim will be here any
		minute for your training session.
James: 		Oh great, Tim's good.
Alex: 		Yeah great, I love Tim.
Ms. Worthy: 	Alright boys, see you tomorrow.

(Ms. Worthy leaves.) 

Alex: 		Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get some
		work done. 
James: 		Listen Alex, I'm gonna run up to the snack bar, can I
		get you anything? 
Alex: 		Nah, I'm fine. 
James: 		Alright man, I was buying. 
Alex: 		Bring me back one of everything. 

(James leaves. Phone rings.  Alex picks it up and puts on the speaker
phone.) 

Alex: 		Yeah, hotline. 
Tim: 		Hi Alex, it's me Tim. 
Alex: 		Hi Tim. How are you doing? 
Tim: 		Why didn't you use your code name? 
Alex: 		Sorry, I forgot. 
Tim: 		Don't let it happen again. 
Alex: 		Yeah yeah yeah. Tim, is that the only reason you
		called? 
Tim: 		No, my car broke down. It'll be at least an hour
		before they fix it. Just close up and go home, we'll
		make up the session tomorrow.
Alex: 		Ok great. Oh Tim, one more thing...
Tim: 		Yes Alex, you'll get credit for showing up.
Alex: 		Ok, bye bye.

(Alex hangs up and begins to leave. The phone rings. Alex picks it up
and puts on the speaker phone again.) 

Alex: 		Yeah, Gandhi speaking.
Caller: 	Gandhi?
Alex: 		Yeah, Gandhi.
Caller: 	I must have the wrong number. I wanted the hotline.
Alex: 		No no no. Don't hang up. This is the hotline. I just
		call myself Gandhi because it's a codename. What's
		your problem?
Caller: 	My name is Bill. Just plain Bill. And uh, I need some
		help here. I think I'm gonna kill myself.

(Alex puts him on hold.) 

Alex: 		James it's for you!


COMMERCIAL BREAK 


HOTLINE CENTER 
(Alex is there. James walks in with snacks.) 

James: 		Coca-Cola! 
Alex: 		James you're back! Thank God! 
James: 		You must've been very thirsty. 
Alex: 		A guy called who wants to kill himself. 
James: 		What did you tell him? 
Alex: 		I put him on hold. 
James: 		You what?!! 

(James puts the caller back on the speaker.) 

James: 		Hello, thank you for calling the hotline. Are you
		there? 
Bill: 		Yeah, I'm here, who are you? 
James: 		This is Gidget. 
Bill: 		Gidget? 
James: 		Yeah. 
Bill: 		That doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Where's the
		other guy, where's Gandhi? 
Alex: 		I'm here too, Bill. 
James: 		We're both here. Gidget and Gandhi. Alright lets try
		to be calm. Let's try to be rational. What's the
		problem? 
Bill: 		Well I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life,
		you know. 
Alex: 		How's it goin? 
Bill: 		Well I've been better. You know, I spent all last week
		trying to think of one good reason to live, and I
		couldn't do it. 
Alex: 		Alright, let's think of the things that make us happy.
		Ok, uhh... books....plays....music...movies. Movies.
		There's a great James Bond festival over at the North
		Town. 
Bill: 		Oh yeah, what's playing? 
Alex: 		Live and Let Die. 
James: 		Nice goin' Alex. 
Alex: 		You think you can do better? 
James: 		Yeah let me talk. 
Alex: 		No, I answered the phone, I'll talk. 
Bill: 		Hey guys, what's going on? 

(Alex and James struggle for control of the phone and accidentally
hang up.) 


HOTLINE CENTER 
(15 minutes later.) 

Alex: 		Well it's been 15 minutes. He hasn't called. What
		could he be doing? Don't answer that.
James: 		Alright, let's just review the conversation and try
		to figure out where we went wrong.
Alex: 		Right. Ok. He said he wanted to kill himself. I put
		him on hold. We suggested he go to a James Bond movie,
		and then we hung up on him.

(The phone rings. Alex picks up and puts on the speaker.)

Alex: 		Yeah, hotline. 
Bill: 		Is that how you help? A guy says he's gonna kill
		himself and you hang up on him?
Alex: 		Bill, you're back!
James: 		Bill, we're sorry it was an accident. Now are you
		feeling any better?
Bill: 		No. Worse.
James: 		(whispers) Alex, use the manual.
Alex: 		uh, yeah. You know Bill. Now this is just off the top
		of my head. But I was just thinking, life can be a
		wonderful and splendid .... thing.
Bill: 		Hey, are you reading this out of a book? 
Alex: 		No. No, don't be silly Bill. I'm just winging this.
		Let's just reflect for a moment on the positive
		aspects of one's life. We can do that can't we insert
		name. 
Bill: 		You are reading this out of a book! I'm a person , not
		a hypothetical case. If you keep reading that book I'm
		hanging up. 
Alex: 		Look Bill, gimme a break. I'm new at this I don't know
		what to say. 
Bill: 		Yeah, I'm new at this too, you don't see me reading
		out of a book. 
Alex: 		Listen Bill, can you hold for a second?
Bill: 		Oh great.
Alex: 		No, I promise you I won't hang up.
Bill: 		Ok, but hurry up. I don't have all night.

(Alex puts him on hold.) 

Alex: 		What are we gonna do? He won't let us use the manual.
James: 		Well, we'll just have to be ourselves.


HOTLINE CENTER 
(More time has passed.). 

Alex: 		And then Bill, in 1978 I entered Junior High school.
		I had to take a school bus for the first time. Of
		course it didn't phase me. Bill, are you still there?
Bill: 		Yeah, I'm still here. I'm bored, but I'm still here.
James: 		Me too.
Bill: 		Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but you're just
		wasting your time. Nobody cares about me.
Alex: 		Hey, we do. And we're gonna stay on this phone as long
		as you want us to. 
Bill: 		Come on, you're just two guys who work at the hotline
		and happened to show up on the wrong night. I don't
		even know your real names.
Alex: 		Alex Keaton.
James: 		James Jarret.
Bill: 		I didn't think you'd tell me. Isn't that against the
		rules?
Alex: 		Bill, at a time like this, everything goes out the
		window. Let me rephrase that.
Bill: 		Look, I know you guys are really trying, but you still
		haven't told me why I should keep living.
James: 		Think of the good things. Think of falling snow. Think
		of falling in love.
Bill: 		I know, every cloud has a silver lining.
Alex: 		No, silver's down this week. Say every cloud has a
		zinc lining.

(Bill laughs.) 

James: 		Hey, see that, you're laughing. 
Bill: 		No, that wasn't a laugh, that was a chuckle. 
Alex: 		No, come on, that was a laugh. I know a laugh when I
		hear one, and you laughed. 
Bill: 		Alright I laughed. Sue me. 
Alex: 		Come on Bill. If you're laughing you must be smiling.
		And if you're smiling but you must be starting to feel
		good. And you cannot kill yourself when you're feeling
		good. It spoils the mood.
Bill: 		Look, I know you guys are really trying, but it's no
		use. I hate life. I hate feeling empty everyday. I
		hate feeling sorry for myself. I ....
Alex: 		What is it?
Bill: 		I'm scared.
Alex: 		Bill, everybody gets scared.
Bill: 		Do you?
Alex: 		Yeah, sure.
Bill: 		When?
Alex: 		Hey look, I thought we were supposed to be talking
		about you. Not me.
Bill: 		Oh I get it. I have to answer your questions, but you
		don't have to answer mine.
Alex: 		No it's just that it's not easy for me....Yeah I get
		scared.
Bill: 		When?
Alex: 		Mostly at night, you know when the house is real
		quiet, and I start thinking about my future. I do, I
		get scared.
Bill: 		Why should that scare you? You told me you've always
		succeeded in everything.
Alex: 		I have. And that's why I get scared, you know, because
		I'm afraid I might fail. And if I fail, I don't know
		how I'd handle it. So I can't let myself fail. I keep
		pushing myself to do better and better and I keep
		trying harder and harder and I'm afraid that if I
		stop.....uh. sorry.
Bill: 		No, go on, what are you afraid of?
Alex: 		I'm afraid that if I slow down and I stop being the
		best and the brightest and the wittiest that I'll be
		nothing.
Bill: 		Wow, that's exactly how I feel sometimes. Like I'm
		nothing.
James: 		We all feel that way sometimes, but we write it out,
		we work at it. We fight the bad feeling.
Alex: 		Bill, you called here tonight, you reached out. You
		don't wanna die. And we don't want you to die.
Bill: 		You really think every cloud has a zinc lining?
Alex: 		Absolutely.
Bill: 		I'm gonna hang up now.
Alex: 		What do you mean, Bill?
Bill: 		I mean, I wanna hang up so I can get some sleep. Then
		I can be fresh and think this through and find out a
		way to deal with it tomorrow.
Alex: 		Tomorrow, did you say tomorrow?
Bill: 		Yeah.
Alex: 		Did you hear that James?
James: 		I heard him.
Alex: 		We were afraid we goofed up because we're new and we
		were so unsure of ourselves.
Bill: 		I kinda liked that. It made me feel superior. You guys
		are good, though. Darn good.
Alex: 		Well thanks, but as good as we are, there are people
		who are better. You're gonna have to find some
		professional help.
Bill: 		I know. But it's gonna be hard to find someone better
		than Gandhi and Gidget. Thanks guys.

(Dial tone.) 

James:	 	Nice going Keaton. you're really something man. 
Alex: 		You're not so bad yourself. 

(They hug.) 

Alex: 		Listen, about all that stuff about being scared and
		all.
James: 		Yeah?
Alex: 		Well you know I was just saying that.
James: 		Oh yeah, I know you don't get scared.

(James turns the lights off.)

Alex: 		Uh James, can you leave the light on?

THE END