Family Ties Transcripts

Intro.

Scene 1

(Alex + Andrew in kitchen at table)

Alex:		And then Mr Reagan said, 'oh look mommy it's secretary
		of state, it's secretary of stage George Jules.  Boy
		Andrew this I love Republican pop-up book was the best
		purchase I ever made.
Andy:		Make Nancy wave again.
Alex:		(Making her wave) Hi.
		(Jennifer and Simon enter through kitchen door)
Jennifer:	Thanks for carrying my books home Simon.
Simon:		I'd carry these books to the ends of the earth for you
		my dearest.
Jennifer:	The counter will be fine.
Simon:		Jennifer I've been- (sees Alex) who's the guy?
Jennifer:	That's my brother.
			(Simon waves)
Alex:		(Waving back) Hi.
Jennifer:	(Through teeth) Don't encourage him Alex (Alex shrugs)
		Simon it was really nice of you to carry my books home
		and all but I really think you should be going now.
Simon:		Jennifer I've been in love with you ever since I
		spotted you across a crowded auditorium, during that
		school bus safety assembly.
Jennifer:	Yes, that was a powerful moment.
Simon:		Tell me you love me.
Andy:		Yuck!  I can't take this.  (Andy leaves)
Jennifer:	We can't keep going on like this I mean you're just
		not my type.
Simon:		It's because I'm a nerd isn't it?
Jennifer:	Yes.
Simon:		Maybe this'll change your mind, (Takes earrings out of
		pocket) diamonds.
Alex:		Go for it!
Jennifer:	Simon, you shouldn't have done that.
Simon:		No, no it's okay my mother won't miss 'em.
Jennifer:	Simon, I'm not gonna accept your mother's earrings.
Simon:		How about her broach.
Jennifer:	Simon, forget it!
Simon:		Will you go with me to the sophomore dance?
Jennifer:	Simon, I said no, all right?
Simon:		I'm not leaving until you give me at least a maybe.
Jennifer:	Okay, maybe.
Simon:		Really?
Jennifer:	No!
Simon:		(Begging) Please, don't make me beg.
Jennifer:	All right maybe, boy Simon this is about as much fun
		as a bloodletting.
Simon:		(Kisses hand) I am one step closer to paradise.  (Goes
		towards door) until later my love (Opens door and hits
		himself in the face with it).
			(Simon leaves)
Alex:		Geez Jen you know you really shouldn't lead the guy on
		like that.  Oh give him a break will yer, go to the
		dance with him.
Jennifer:	Alex, he's a nerd!
Alex:		True.  But he's a nerd bearing gifts.
			(Mallory enters)
Mallory:	Who was that guy I saw skipping across the front lawn?
Jennifer:	Oh, that was Simon.
Alex:		A young gentleman suitor that I think Jennifer should
		consider going out with.
Mallory:	Alex, he's a nerd.
Alex:		He gave her diamond earrings.
Mallory:	He did have a certain charm.
Jennifer:	I don't need this kind of pressure, I mean being in
		high school by it's self is hard enough.
Mallory:	Oh stop!  What is so hard about high school, high
		school as not hard for me.
Alex:		Yeah, but she actually goes into the class rooms.
Jennifer:	I can't believe the social pressures in high school, I
		mean it's not enough just to be smart anymore.  Now
		you have to worry about what you wear, who you hang
		out with, who you date.
Mallory:	That's what I loved about high school, your outward
		appearance is everything.
			(Steven and Elyse enter)
Steven:	H	i oh boy the streets are getting dangerous, we almost
		got ploughed down by this kid skipping down the middle
		of the street.
Jennifer:	Oh that's Simon.
Alex:		Yeah, it's Jennifer's now boyfriend. 
Steven:		Oh?
Jennifer:	He is not my boyfriend, I don't even like him.
Mallory:	He likes Jen, he offered her diamond earrings.
Steven:		Boy things have sure changed since I was in high
		school.
Jennifer:	Actually there is this boy I kind of like in high
		school, his name is Roger, he's a sophomore and a
		total unmitigated hunk.
Mallory:	Really have you talked with him?
Jennifer:	Actually, he talked to me.  (Mallory has a sharp
		intake of breath) He's gonna be at the sophomore dance
		on Friday night.
Elyse:		Are you gonna go?
Jennifer:	(Whining) I can't I'm not a sophomore, I probably have
		to go to the dumb freshman dance.
Steven:		What's wrong with that?  You are a freshman aren't you?
Mallory:	Dad you can't go to your won class dance that's so
		embarrassing.
Steven:		Oh, of course, I forgot.  Why not?
Mallory:	Because it's just not done, that's all.  I mean girls
		have to aspire to something bigger than their own
		class dance, the freshman girls go to the sophomore
		dance, the sophomores go to the junior dance, the
		juniors go to the senior dance and the seniors, well
		they hand out at the jack in the box.
			(Steven nods)

Scene 2

(Living room: Jennifer present)

			(Mallory enters)
Mallory:	Hi Jen.
Jennifer:	Hi.
Mallory:	What's the matter?  You look kinda down.
Jennifer:	Mallory the sophomore dance is only two days away and
		no-one's asked me to go yet, I've gotta go, I just
		have to, Roger's gonna be there, he smiled near me
		today.
Mallory:	How close?
Jennifer:	Eight lockers away.
Mallory:	That's meaningful.
Jennifer:	There is nothing like a smile from a hunk.
Mallory:	I know, it's even better than when you walk into your
		classroom and you see a movie projector set up.
Jennifer:	Yeah, right, I've gotta go Mal!
Mallory:	Well you could crash it.
Jennifer:	I'd be too scared to.
Mallory:	You could go with Simon.
			(Alex enters)
Jennifer:	Yeah, but then I'd have to dish him right when I got
		there I'I just couldn't do that.
Mallory:	Yeah, I guess not.
Alex:		What? What? Couldn't do what?
Jennifer:	This is not your area Alex.
Alex:		Hey, how do you know?
Jennifer:	Because it involves feelings, thought and emotions of
		a non-monetary nature.
Alex:		Yeah, you're right.	
Mallory:	Jen I know how important this is to you right, so I'm
		gonna go upstairs, put my mind to it and I won't come
		back until I have an answer.
Alex:		We're never gonna see her again!  What's the problem?
		Don't tell me teen problems right?  You need braces?
Jennifer:	Not exactly.
Alex:		You uh want a phone in your room?
Jennifer:	No.
Alex:		Need your ears pierced?
Jennifer:	No.
Alex:		Well you haven't got any teen problems.
Jennifer:	Alex there's this gut at school Roger, whenever I see
		him in the hall way I get this kind of light feeling
		in my stomach, Do you get that way?
Alex:		Is it kind of excitement bordering on nausea, yeah,
		yeah, whenever I hear the words tax free.
		(Experiences sensation)
Jennifer:	I don't know what happens to me I'g I get so I get
		nervous I freeze up, I can't even speak.
Alex:		I know the feeling I'm telling you.  If Roger were tax
		free, we'd both be deeply in love.
Jennifer:	But Roger doesn't even know I'm alive, meanwhile Simon
		won't stop bugging me to go to the dance with him.
Alex:		Oh hey I like that Simon I mean I'm telling you he
		compensates for his complete lack of co-ordination,
		poise and social grace with expensive gifts.  I love
		the guy.
Jennifer:	Alex, do you think it's okay to manipulate-
Alex:		Absolutely!
Jennifer:	I didn't finish my question yet.
Alex:		Jen it doesn't matter as a general rule, manipulation
		is a great way to go.
Jennifer:	But what if it might hurt a person?
Alex:		If you do it right nobody gets hurt all right, I'll
		give you an example okay Santa Claus right, nice guy
		right?
Jennifer:	He's cute.
Alex:		Now there he is every Christmas whipping toys down
		chimneys, every kids dream.  Now he thinks he's doing
		it to make all the little boys and girls happy what he
		doesn't realize is, is that he's just a sales rep for
		Mattel.
Jennifer:	What are you talking about Alex?
Alex:		He's a pawn, he's a pawn for the big toy
		conglomerates, he's a big, chubby, ruddy faced pawn.
Jennifer:	I don't get it.
Alex:		Jen, Santa is being completely manipulated by the toy
		companies but, but, but, he's you know flying around
		with his reindeer, he's chugging eggnog, he's having
		to Yule tide time of his life.
Jennifer:	There's only one small flaw in your theory Alex.
Alex:		Yeah, what's that Jen?
Jennifer:	Santa Claus doesn't exist.
Alex:		(Laughs to himself) What're you talking about?
Jennifer:	Santa Claus, he doesn't exist.
Alex:		(Pause) You know I hate when people say that.
Jennifer:	I'm sorry Alex I thought you knew.
Alex:		That's all right, that's all right I try to give a
		little pep talk in favor of manipulation and I get
		my feelings crushed.  It'll work Jen, okay just trust
		me.  # Here comes Santa Claus. # (whilst singing Alex
		leaves)
Jennifer:	(Goes to telephone, dials and speaks) Hello Simon,
		this is Jennifer, okay I'll go to the dance with you,
		hello Simon, are you okay?

Scene 3

(In kitchen: Steven, Elyse, Alex, Mallory present)

(Jennifer enters with a dress)
Elyse:		Hey honey what d'you have?
Jennifer:	Oh nothing much just a dress, I borrowed it from my
		friend Jane.
Mallory:	Jennifer let me see this, Jennifer this is not just a
		dress, this is a Jocaminy original in iridescent
		emerald green cloquet from the Reeve Gauche resort
		collection circa nineteen eighty-four.
Alex:		Mal, how is it humanly possible for you to have all
		that in your head, and nothing else?
Mallory:	Jennifer what is this for?
Jennifer:	Nothing much, this, that, I'll wear it around the
		house, maybe to the sophomore dance.
Steven:		Oh you're going, that's great, who's the lucky boy?
Jennifer:	Oh um no-one you.
Elyse:		Oh, uh, what's his name?
Jennifer:	Anthony Quinn.
Steven:		Zorba?
Mallory:	Isn't he a little old for you?
Jennifer:	All right it's Simon.
Steven:		Si, I'I thought you didn't like Simon.
Jennifer:	I kinda don't.
Elyse:		Then why're you going with him?
Jennifer:	Because Alex told me to!
Alex:		Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, don't blame me, I'd
		rather you go with Zorba.
Jennifer:	All right, I'm going with Simon because I want to go
		to the sophomore dance and that's the only way I can
		get in, besides, once I'm there anything can happen,
		I might bump into Roger.
Elyse		Oh Jen I'I'm really surprised at you I mean you, you
		must realize what you're doing, you're just using
		Simon to get to Roger.
Jennifer:	Look this isn't as one sided as it seems if I go out
		with Simon he'll be happy, he'll stop bugging me,
		calling me all the time, coming over.  Besides it's
		not that big of a deal Simon doesn't care about me
		that much anyway.
		(Simon enters with wedding cake)
Alex:		Oh, no?
Jennifer:	Simon, what are you doing?
Simon:		Oh I just wanted to say that- (Sees Steven) who's the
		guy?
Jennifer:	That's my father.
Simon:		How do you do Mr Keaton?
Steven:		Fine.	 
Simon:		It is such a thrill.
Steven:		That, um. (Pointing to cake)
Simon:		Oh um don't worry about that sir, i'it's not what it
		looks like, I mean it is a cake, it's all they had
		left at the bakery.
Steven:		That's a relief.
Simon:		I always believed that I would meet a girl like you
		one day, a girl who saw past what everyone else say
		a'and really liked me, really liked the me in me,
		congratulations on being that girl Jennifer.
Jennifer:	Simon I-
Simon:		Ssh, not another word my sweet.  I just want you to
		know that if I die at this very moment I will die
		happy.
			(Simon opens door and crashes into it again)
Alex:		You still happy?
Simon:		A little dizzy but, still happy.

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Scene 4

(The living Room: Alex and Andy present sitting on couch.)

Alex:		All right Andrew you're really coming along with your
		reading, I'm very proud of you.
Andy:		Thanks, I owe it all to you.
Alex:		Well, let's not get mushy, okay what is this word
		right here? (Pointing to book)
Andy:		Impeach.
			(Steven and Elyse come down stairs)
Elyse:		(To Steven) Isn't that sweet?
Steven:		(To Elyse) It really is.
Elyse:		(To Steven) You know sometimes I think we're too harsh
		on Alex h'he's not just a callous arch conservative
		republican, sometimes he can be a'a warm, loving son
		and brother.
Alex:		Okay now read this one with me okay?
Alex+Andy:	I-am-not-a-crook.
Steven:		Hey, hey, hey.  Whatever happened to books like uh the
		little engine that could or the cat and the hat or the
		grinch that stole Christmas?  This, this-
Alex:		Come on dad this is real reading, besides those other
		books they scare kids.  Give 'em nightmares.  I mean
		what's scarier the, the grinch or uh or, or, or little
		pop-up Richard Nixon?
Elyse:		It's hard to say they look so much alike.
			(Door bell rings, the door is answered by
			Elyse, it is Simon wearing a tuxedo)
Elyse:		Hi Simon.
Simon:		Hi.
Steven:		Oh my, my, aren't you, aren't you dapper?
Simon:		Yeah, it's a rental.
Steven:		Oh.
Elyse:		Ajax rent-a-tux.
Simon:		Yeah, how d'you know?
Elyse:		You've got the bill pinned to your back.
			(Steven removes bill)
Elyse:		You also rented shoes, socks and glasses.
Steven:		Oh, nothing's too good for your little girl Mr Keaton.
		Oh, hey, follow me.
Steven:		Oh (Simon leads them to frond door and opens it- they
		look up) what?
Simon:		I want everyone to see my latest gift to my beloved
		Jennifer.
Elyse:		What, what is it?
Simon:		It's a love message, in sky writing.
Alex:		Happy-birthday-ounita.
Simon:		Huh, I got a deal.
Steven:		It's lovely.
Alex:		Oui oui, oui oui.  You know Simon I like your style,
		you're really starting to grow on me and I'm really
		worried about it.
			(Mallory and Jennifer enter)
Mallory:	Jennifer's wearing a Jocaminy original in an
		iridescent emerald green cloquet from the Reeve Gauche
		resort collection circa nineteen eighty-four.
		Borrowed form Jane.  Well Simon, what d'you think?
			(Simon puts on glasses)
Simon:		There that's better.
			(Looks at Jennifer and faints)
Alex:		Woah, look out there.

Scene 5

(The sophomore dance: Simon and Jennifer standing, others dancing.
Music playing.)

Simon:		Do you want to dance?
Jennifer:	No, why would I want to dance?
Simon:		I don't know, I'I mean it is called the sophomore
		dance, not the sophomore stand-around.
			(Music changes)
			(Nancy and Brad dance over)
Nancy:		Oh, hi Jen.
Jennifer:	Hi Nancy.
Nancy:		Jen, this is Brad Hallahand, my date.
Jennifer:	Hi Brad, nice to meet you.
Brad:		Hi.
Jennifer:	This is Simon, (To Simon) what's your last name?
Simon:		Wickerson, Simon Wickerson.
Brad:		Simon Wickerson, don't I know didn't I beat you up
		last week?
Simon:		I don't think so, oh but I could pencil you in for
		next Wednesday if you like.
Brad:		You know are you sure?  I'd never forget a face like
		that.
Simon:		Sorry to disappoint you.
Brad:		All right if you're sure.
Nancy:		Yeah well see you late Jen, Simon.
Jennifer:	Bye.
			(Nancy and Brad dance away)
Simon:		So we're on for next Wednesday right?
			(Roger enters)
Jennifer:	It's him, it's him!
Simon:		Who him?
Jennifer:	Let's dance.
Simon:		But you just said- (They dance)
			(Simon begins solo disco dancing)
Simon:		Hey!
			(Simon continues disco dancing solo)
Simon:		Yeah!
Jennifer:	(To Roger) Hi, hi.
Roger:		Do I know you?
Jennifer:	I've seen you around.
			(Simon finishes dancing and joins group)
Roger:		Hey, who's your date?
Jennifer:	No-one uh he must have stepped out for a minute I'I'll
		introduce you when he comes back.
			(Simon coughs)
Simon:		Jennifer!
Roger:		This is your date?  Hey didn't I beat you up last
		week?
Simon:		Yeah you did as a matter of fact.
Roger:		Yeah, yeah I really enjoyed it, are you free on
		Wednesday?
Simon:		No, no I'm all booked up on Wednesday.  But perhaps I
		can fit you in after the holidays.
Jennifer:	He's not really my date I mean I am available if you'd
		like to dance or something.
Roger:		What makes you think I'd wanna dance with you?
Rogers girl:	Come on Roger.  What're you doing hanging around these
		dorks?
Simon:		Dorks?  Hey wait a minute there's only one dork
		here-that's me!  This is Jennifer Keaton, she is once,
		twice, three times a lady.
Rogers girl:	Wait a minute, didn't I beat you up last week?
Simon:		You did as a matter of fact, you know you two could
		get the group rate.
Rogers girl:	Come on Roger, let's dance. (They dance)
Simon:		I don't get it Jennifer, why did you say that, why did
		you say I wasn't your date?
Jennifer:	Simon, I only came here with you so I could get into
		the sophomore dance.
Simon:		You mean you just used me for my sophomoreness, I'I
		thought you were different that all the others
		Jennifer, I'I thought you were smarter, well you're
		not.  Boy will you be sorry when I grow into my looks.
			(Simon runs off)

Scene 6

(In kitchen.  Present: Alex, Andy and Elyse)

Alex:		Okay big feller, time t'go t'sleep.
Andy:		I don't wanna go to sleep.
Alex:		Well everybody in the white house is gonna sleep.
Andy:		Oh no they're not.
Alex:		Oh no?  listen to this, (Reagan accent) (Holds up
		pop-up book) well Nancy, I'm really sleepy after a
		long day of punishing naughty democrats (Steven,
		Elyse and Mallory enter) Good night Nancy, (Nancy
		accent) goodnight admiral poindexter, night ollie.
Steven:		And so ends another night of toddler republican
		theatre.
Elyse:		It's way past your bed time Andy, it's awfully late.
Andy:		I know I stayed awake longer than President Reagan.
Steven:		Well that's no great feet Andy.
Mallory:	Come on Andy I'll take you upstairs and read you
		something normal, I've got just the thing.
Alex:		No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not reading to him
		from the Bloomingdale's catalogue again.
			(Alex, Mallory and Andy leave)
			(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer:	If anybody wants me I'll be upstairs trying to piece
		together the shattered fragments of my tragic high
		school existence.
Steven:		What happened?
Jennifer:	It was a complete disaster Dad, Simon found out that
		I only went with him to the sophomore dance to meet
		up with Roger.  And to top that off, Roger was
		horrible to me, he was mean, he was rude, he treated
		me like-
Steven:		Like uh, like you treated Simon.
Elyse:		I hate to say this when you're, when you're, when
		you're already hurting honey but what you did wasn't
		right, I'I'I think you know that.
Jennifer:	I don't know what happened, somehow Simon's feelings
		didn't seem important, it was almost like I didn't
		think he had feelings.
Elyse:		He really cares about you honey.
Jennifer:	I know' I don't know how I didn't see that.
Steven:		It was hard to miss, the sky writing was a sure
		tip-off.
Jennifer:	I feel so terrible, I mean even after I was mean to
		Simon, he stood up for me, I don't think I can ever
		look him in the eye again.
Elyse:		Did you at least have a chance to apologize to him?
Jennifer:	I tried but he ran off so fast I couldn't catch him.
			(Simon appears at door)
Elyse:		Oh well honey, now is your chance.
Steven:		If you want to talk later, we'll be upstairs.
			(Jennifer opens door)
Simon:		Hi Jen.
Jennifer:	Hi Simon, come on in.
Simon:		I don't have long, the tux has to be back by midnight,
		it's only rented for three hours.
Jennifer:	I looked all over for you.  Where d'you go?
Simon:		I went across to the freshman dance, there was no-one
		there, so I danced with Mrs Plumikki, the school
		nutritionist.
Jennifer:	Look Simon I'm really sorry what happened tonight.  I
		shouldn't have done what I did.  It was mean but
		believe me I got a big dose of mean right back, could
		you ever forgive me?
Simon:		Yes.
Jennifer:	Really?
Simon:		Yes, I forgive you, I see you for what you are, not
		what you were at the dance but what you are right now.
		Know why?  Because I am highly evolved!
Jennifer:	So then we can start over right, you know just as
		friends?
Simon:		It would be a lot cheaper.  See I had a great time
		tonight, I got to be seen at the dance with you, it
		did a world of good for my prestige and it was a real
		honor for me.
Jennifer:	Believe me Simon, the honor was all mine, you are one
		of the sweetest, nicest guys I'll ever go out with.
Simon:		Hey, how d'you like an ankle bracelet, it's my Moms
		but I think I can get it off her leg.  She's a heave
		sleeper.

END CREDITS