How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
1x01: Pilot
Original Airdate: 9/19/2005
Written by: Carter Bays & Craig Thomas
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
YEAR 2030, GIRL AND BOY SITTING ON COUCH
Future Ted: Kids, I'm gonna' tell you an incredible story - the story of how I met your mother.
Son: Are we being punished for something?
Future Ted: No.
Daughter: Yeah, is this gonna' take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. 25 years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.
OPENING SONG STARTS WITH SNAPSHOTS OF 2005
Future Ted: It was way back in 2005. I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect, and living in New York with Marshall, my best friend from college. My life was good and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.
MARSHALL DOWN ON ONE KNEE OPENS UP RING BOX
Marshall: Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes! Perfect! And then you're engaged. You pop the champagne, you drink a toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily! I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily: the night you met, your first date, other first things...
Marshall: Huh-uh-uh, yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. My God, you're getting engaged tonight.
Marshall: Yeah. What are you doing tonight?
Future Ted (V.O.): What was I doing? Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life. And me, I'm calling up your Uncle Barney.
CUT TO BARNEY GETTING A SHAVE
Barney: (on phone with Ted) Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite - Lebanese girls. Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
Ted: Hey, you want to do something tonight?
Barney: OK, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes, and SUIT UP! (hangs up phone)
INT. BAR
(Barney is at the bar waiting for Ted)
Ted: Hey.
Barney: Where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did, that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer.
Ted: You know, ever since college, it's been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily...and me. They'll get married and start a family. Before long, I'm that weird middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted.
(Barney slaps Ted on the side of the head)
Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
FLASHBACK INT. BAR
(Barney slides into seat next to Ted)
Barney: Ted, I'm gonna' teach you how to live.
(Ted looks at Barney weird)
Barney: Barney. We met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh, right, right.
Barney: Lesson 1, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson 2, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A. (points to self) Lesson 3, don't even think about getting married till you're 30.
FLASH FORWARD BACK TO PRESENT
Ted: 30, right, you're right. I guess it's just your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff
Barney: I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I'm your best friend
Ted: You're my best friend, Barney.
Barney: Good. Then as you're best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call, "have you met Ted?"
Ted: No, no no no, we're not playing have you met Ted.
Barney: (tapping girl on shoulder) Hi, have you met Ted?
Ted: (to girl) Hi, I'm Ted
Girl: Yasmin.
Ted: That's a very pretty name
Yasmin: Thanks, it's Lebanese.
LILY ENTERS APARTMENT
Marshall: Hey.
Lily: Ugh, I'm exhausted. It was finger-painting day at school, and a 5-year-old boy got to second base with me. Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes I am
Lily: Awww. (Lily walks over to kiss Marshall) Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows.
Marshall: I can handle this. I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight.
Lily: So there's more surprises? Like what?
Future Ted V.O.: Marshall was in his second year of law school so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet.
Marshall: Buggity-boo! That's all. I'm gonna go. Cook.
INT. BAR
Ted: I'm really happy for Marshall, I really am. I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.
Yasmin: So do you think you'll ever get married?
Ted: Well, maybe eventually. Some fall day, possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. Band, no DJ. People will dance, I'm not going to worry about it. Dammit, why did Marshall have to get engaged? Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding.
Yasmin: Actually, I think it's cute.
Ted: But you're clearly drunk. (Ted says loudly to bartender): One more for the lady.
MARSHALL AND LILY IN KITCHEN OF APARTMENT
Marshall: Oh, hey, look what I got? (brings out bottle of champagne and hands it to Lily)
Lily: Aww, honey. Champagne. (hands bottle back to Marshall)
Marshall: Yeah. (hands bottle back to Lily)
Lily: No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.
Marshall: I'm not scared.
Lily: Then open it. (hands bottle back to Marshall)
Marshall: Fine. Please open it. (hands bottle back to Lily)
You are unbelievable, Marshall...
(Lily's voice fades out while screen splits to two scenes - Lily and Marshall in kitchen and Ted and Yasmin at bar)
Future Ted V.O.: There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. One you plan out for months. The other just slips out when you're half-drunk at some bar.
Marshall: Will you marry me?
Ted: Do you want to go out sometime?
Lily: Of course, you idiot!
Yasmin: I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.
(Ted and Carl look at each other from across the bar)
Ted: What's up, Carl?
KITCHEN
(Lily and Marshall sit up at the same time)
Marshall: I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.
Lily: Did you know there's a Pop-Tart under your fridge?
Marshall: No, but dibs. Where's that champagne? I wanna drink a toast with my fiancé.
(Lily claps and kisses Marshall)
Marshall: I don't know why I was so scared of this. Pretty easy, right?
(Marshall pops the cork, Lily screams)
INT. BAR
Ted: Why am I freaking out all of sudden? This is crazy. I'm not ready to settle down.
Barney: How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?
Ted: The plan's always been don't even think about it till you're 30.
Barney: Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit.
Ted: Plus Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was, it's like, OK, I'm ready, where is she?
Future Ted V.O.: And there she was.
(return from commercial break)
Future Ted V.O.: It was like something from an old movie where the sailor sees the girl across a crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, see that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday.
Ted: Hey, Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeah, you just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.
Ted: I can't just go say hi. I need a plan. I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom and strategically place myself by the jukebox...
Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
Ted: Hi.
Girl: Let me guess. Ted.
LILY AND MARSHALL GET INTO CAB WITH LILY HOLDING ICE PACK OVER LEFT EYE
Marshall: Sorry, Lily, I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.
Cab driver: Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you hit her?
Lily: Me, hit me? Please, this guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun. He's all like, oh, honey, did that hurt? And I'm like, come on, let me have it, you pansy. Wow, complete stranger.
Cab drive: No no no no, it's OK, go on. So, these spankings, you in pajamas or au naturale?
TED AND GIRL IN BAR
Ted: So what do you do?
Girl: I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.
Ted: Oh.
Girl: Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know, like, um, monkey can play the ukulele. But I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.
Ted: Bigger, like gorilla with an upright bass. Sorry, you're really pretty.
(Girls waves to girlfriends at other end of bar)
Ted: Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
Girl: Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight every guy is the enemy.
Ted: You know, if it'll make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
Girl: She would love that. It does look fun in the movies.
Ted: Hey, you wanna' have dinner with me Saturday night?
Girl: I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy is attempting to make the world's biggest pancake. Guess who's covering it?
Ted: That's gonna' take a week?
Girl: Yeah, he's gonna eat it too. It's another record.
Dumped Girl: Hey, what's taking so long?
Ted: I know this is a long shot but how about tomorrow night?
Girl: Yeah, what the hell?
(Robin passes card to Ted and then throws drink in Ted's face)
Girl: Jerk! That was fun.
Barney: De - wait for it - nied! Denied.
Ted: We're going out tomorrow night.
Barney: I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night.
Ted: Yeah, I was never gonna' go play laser tag.
INT. RESTAURANT
(Ted and Girl having dinner)
Future Ted V.O.: The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
Girl: Wow, that is one bad-ass blue French horn.
Ted: Yeah. Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.
Future Ted V.O.: Son, a piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don't want to say Smurf penis. Girls don't ordinarily like that. But, this was no ordinary girl
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall and Lily sitting on couch together)
Marshall: Lily?
Lily: How long have you been sitting there? Stupid eye patch.
(Ted enters apartment)
Ted: Mom, dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby. Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman.
Marshall: Ah, let's see, she likes dogs.
(cut to Girl at restaurant)
Girl: I've got five dogs.
(cut to Marshall in apartment)
Marshall: She drinks Scotch.
(cut to Girl at restaurant)
Girl: I love a Scotch that's old enough to order its own Scotch.
(cut to Marshall in apartment)
Marshall: Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters.
(cut to Girl at restaurant)
Girl: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes.
(cut to Ted in apartment)
Ted: And I'm saving the best for last.
(cut to Girl at restaurant)
Girl: Do you want these? I hate olives.
(cut to apartment)
Marshall: She hates olives! Awesome!
Lily: The olive theory!
(cut to restaurant)
Ted: The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way, that's what makes them such a great couple - perfect balance.
Girl: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
Ted: I can take them off your hands.
Girl: They're all yours.
(cut to apartment)
Marshall: Oh, it is on. It is on till the break of dawn. (doing robot)
Lily: But wait, it's only the break of 10:30. What happened?
EXT. GIRL'S APARTMENT
Girl: I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.
Ted: No green clarinet.
Girl: No.
Ted: Come on, no purple tuba.
Girl: It's a smurf penis or no dice.
(Metro 1 News van drives up to apartment)
Producer: There you are. We got a jumper, some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you're covering it.
Girl: Um, all right, I'll be right there.
(girls turns to Ted)
Girl: I'm sorry, I had a really great time tonight.
Ted: Yeah.
(cut to apartment)
Marshall: So, did you kiss her?
Ted: No, the moment wasn't right. Look, this woman could actually be my future wife, I want our first kiss to be amazing.
Lily: Ah, Ted, that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch.
Ted: What? I did not chicken out. You know what? I don't need to take first-kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week in college.
Lily: Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing, even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don't believe me, call him.
(split screen Ted calling Barney, Barney answering call while playing laser tag)
Barney: Hey, loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you, Connor! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, I need your opinion on something
Barney: OK, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes, and SUIT UP!
INT. BAR
Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?
Barney: I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.
Ted: She didn't even give me the signal.
Barney: What? Is she gonna, is she gonna bat her eyes at you in Morse code. Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Ted: Not if you don't get the signal.
(Barney kisses Marshall)
Barney: Did Marshall give me the signal? Marshall: No! (turning to Lily) I didn't. I swear
Barney: But, see, at least, tonight, I get to sleep knowing that Marshall and me, never gonna happen. You should have kissed her.
Ted: I should have kissed her. Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.
Barney: A week! That's like a year in hot-girl time. She'll forget all about you. Mark my words, you will never see that one again.
Ted: There she is.
(Girl on TV)
Lily: Ooh, she's cute. Hey, Carl, turn it up.
Girl: ...him to reconsider. At which point, the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending. Reporting for Metro 1 News...
Marshall: Hey, the guy didn't jump.
Ted: I'm going to go kiss her. Right now.
Marshall: Look, dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer, I'm going to advise you that's freakin' crazy.
Ted: I never do anything crazy. I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. Well, she's leaving tomorrow, this may be the only moment iI'm gonna get. I gotta do what that guy couldn't. I gotta take the leap. OK, not a perfect metaphor 'cause for me it's fall in love and get married. For him, it's death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.
(Barney looks at Marshall and Lily)
Barney: By the way, did I congratulate you two?
Ted: I'm doing this.
Lily: Let's go.
Marshall: Word up.
Lily: We're coming with you
Ted: Barney?
Barney: All right, but under one condition.
INT. CAB
Barney: Look at you , you beautiful bastard, you suited up. This is totally going in my blog.
Ted: Stop the car. Pull over right here. I gotta do something.
INT. RESTAURANT
(Ted runs in and grabs blue French horn)
Ted: Excuse me, pardon me, just a second. Enjoy your coffee.
Waiter: Hey! Hey!
Ted: Go, go, go!! Everybody brings flowers.
EXT. GIRL'S APARTMENT
Ted: Whew. OK, moment of truth, wish me luck.
Barney: Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. This just in. OK!
(Barney motions for a high-five)
Lily: Kiss her, Ted, kiss her good.
Marshall: Kiss the crap out of that girl.
Ted: Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding, when you give a speech, you're gonna tell this story
Barney: Why does he get to be the best man? I'm you're best friend.
(Ted gets out of cab and walks toward the front door of building)
Future Ted V.O.: As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my mind. Unfortunately, one particular thought did not.
(cut to Girl at restaurant)
Girl: I've got five dogs.
(dogs barking)
Ted: Not good, not good.
Lily: No!
Marshall: Get back in there!
Barney: You're wearing a suit!
Girl: Ted? (looking out her window)
Ted: Hi. I was just, uh, (holds up horn)
Girl: Come on up.
Marshall: He's in.
Barney: So, Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl?
Lily: OK, that's my Barney limit. I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom.
(Lily gets out of cab)
Ranjit: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: Mm-hm. The women hot there?
Ranjit: Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney: (to Marshall) A simple no would have sufficed.
Barney: (to Ranjit) She's lovely.
INT. GIRL'S APARTMENT
Girl: So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a suit.
Ted: I was just hoping to get those olives that you said I could have.
Girl: Would you like those olives wtth some gin and vermouth?
Ted: Are you trying to get me drunk?
Girl: For starters.
(Girls turns on music and walks toward kitchen)
(Ted mouths "thank you")
INT. CAB
Barney: So, Marshall, this olive theory, based on you and Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Barney: You hate olives. Lily loves them, you can't stand them.
Marshall: Yeah, hate olives.
Barney: Two weeks ago, Spanish Bar on 79th Street, dish of olives, you had some. What up?
Marshall: You have to swear that this does not leave this cab?
Barney: I swear.
Ranjit: I swear.
Marshall: On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad. Lily asked if she could have my olives, I said, sure, I hate olives.
Barney: But you like olives.
Marshall: Well, I was 18, OK? I was a virgin. I've been waiting my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.
Barney: Marshall, I'm gonna give you an early wedding present. Don't get married.
INT GIRL'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Girl dancing)
Girl: I think I like your olive theory.
Ted: I think I like your new French horn
Girl: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
(cut to int. bar)
Lily, Marshall, Barney: What?
(cut to kids on couch in 2030)
Daughter, Son: What?
(cut back to int. girl's apartment)
Robin: What?
INT. CAB
Barney: Come on, Man, you said your stomach's been hurting. You know what that is. Hunger. You're hungry for experience, hungry for something new, hungry for olives. But you're too scared to do anything about it.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm scared, OK? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily, committing forever, no other women, doesn't scare me at all. I'm marrying that girl.
(Lily stands outside of cab and leans in toward Marshall)
Marshall: Lily. Lily, I like olives.
Lily: We'll make it work.
Ranjit: Aww.
INT. GIRL'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Girl sit on couch)
Ted: So, Orlando. You gonna hit Disneyworld?
Girl: You love me?
Ted: I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go.
Girl: Hold on, wait a minute. Promised you these.
Ted: Olives, thanks. I love you. What is wrong with me?
INT. CAB
Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let's go, we can still make last call. What do you say, Lil? Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum? Cuz you're a pirate?
Lily: OK, eye patch gone. We can't just abandon Ted. If it doesn't go well up there, he's gonna need some support.
Marshall: It's been like 20 minutes. You think they're doing it?
Barney: You think they're doing it in front of the dogs?
Marshall: Doggy-style.
Barney: Hey, there was a girl in college, she had a golden retriever..,
Lily: OK, we can go to the bar, just stop talking.
Barney: Hit it, Ranjit.
(cab drives off)
(door to building opens and Ted is walking out)
Ted: So, when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word "psycho"? I prefer "eccentric".
Girl: Good night, Psycho.
(Ted pretends to be shot in heart then turns around and notices cab is gone)
Ted: Great.
(Ted turns back towards Girl as she's about to close the door)
Ted: Um, how do I get to the F train?
Girl: Oh, two blocks that way and take a right.
(Ted starts to walk away and then turns back around towards Girl)
Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously, you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. But, it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, would to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband because that's the stuff I'd be good at, stuff like making her laugh, and being a good father, and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.
Girl: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references.
Girl: Good night, Ted.
Ted: And I'm a good hand shaker
Girl: That's a pretty great hand shake.
INT. BAR
Ted: And that was it, I'll probably never see her again. What?
Marshall: That was the signal!
Lily: That long, lingering handshake. You should have kissed her!
Barney: There's no such thing as the signal, but, yeah, that was the signal.
Ranjit: Signal.
Marshall: Ah, Carl, thank you. Something I gotta do.
Carl: By the way, you should have kissed her.
Ted: Carl! You guys weren't there!
(Marshall pops cork)
Lily: I am so turned on right now.
Ted: Guys, trust me, I've seen the signal. That was not the signal.
Barney: Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore.
Marshall: To my fiancé
Lily: To the future.
Ranjit: To one hell of a night!
(everyone clinks glasses)
Ted: That was not the signal!
Future Ted V.O.: I asked her about it years later, and, yeah, that was the signal. I could have kissed her. But that's the funny thing about destiny. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again. But it turns out, I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.
YEAR 2030
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was how you met Mom?
Future Ted V.O.: Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.