How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
1x02: Purple Giraffe
Original Airdate: 9/26/2005
Written by: Carter Bays & Craig Thomas
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
YEAR 2030, GIRL AND BOY SITTING ON COUCH
Future Ted: OK, where was I?
Daughter: You were telling us how you met Mom.
Son: In excruciating detail.
Future Ted: Right.
(scenes from episode one that go along with following recap)
Future Ted V.O.: So back in 2005 when I was 27, my two best friends got engaged, and it got me thinking, maybe I should get married. And then I saw Robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your Uncle Barney came in.
INT. BAR
Barney: I suggest we play a little game I like to call, "have you met Ted?"
Ted: No, no no no, we're not playing have you met Ted.
Barney: (tapping girl on shoulder) Hi, have you met Ted?
Future Ted V.O.: So I asked her out, and I know this sounds crazy, but after just one date, I was in love with her, which made me say something stupid.
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
Robin: What?
Daughter: Oh, Dad
Son: So then what happened?
(shots of New York)
Future Ted V.O.: Nothing. I mean, I made a complete fool of myself. So a week went by and I decided not to call her.
INT. BAR
(Marshall and Ted walk in)
Marshall: So, you're not going to call her? You went from 'I think I'm in love with you' to 'I'm not going to call her.'
Ted: I wasn't in love with her, OK? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept of getting married. It had absolutely nothing to do with Robin.
(Marshall and Ted walk up to Lily and Robin sitting together)
Ted: Robin!
Robin: Hey
Lily: Look who I ran into.
Ted: Since when do you guys know each other?
Robin: Since about, here. (Robin points to top of glass) Lily recognized me from the news and ...
(Robin notices Marshall and Lily kissing)
Robin: Hello sailor!
Ted: They just got engaged.
(Lily shows off engagement ring while still kissing Marshall)
Robin: Well, I should get back to the station. See you guys.
(Marshall waves while continuing to kiss Lily)
Robin: Nice seeing you, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you too.
(Ted sits down)
Ted: Dammit.
Lily: What?
Ted: I'm in love with her.
(Barney slaps Ted on back of head)
Barney: No! As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse. You blew it, it's over, move on.
(Barney sits down next to Ted)
Ted: I don't know, I just have this feeling. She's the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.
(Lily makes squeaking noise)
Ted: Lily, you squeaked. She said something about me, didn't she? Come on, spill it, Red.
Lily: Fine
(cut to Lily and Robin at bar)
Lily: So, what do we think of Ted/
Robin: Ted's something else.
(cut to Ted sitting by Barney)
Ted: Huh. I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are something. I'm something else.
(cut to Lily and Robin at bar)
Robin: Comes on a little strong.
(cut to Ted)
Ted: But that's part of my charm.
(cut to Lily and Robin at bar)
Lily: But that's part of his charm.
Robin: Oh, totally, I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am. I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right?
Lily: Are you kidding? This flapper, Fort Knox.
(cut to Lily sitting)
Lily: Oops.
Ted: She wants casual. OK. I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? Because it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.
Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yeah. No. I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm asking her out. So how do I ask her out without asking her out?
Lily: Did you guys get high?
Ted: I got it. I don't ask her out. I invite her to our party next Friday.
Marshall: We're having a party next Friday?
Ted: We are now. Casual.
Barney: Yeah, 'cause nothing says casual like inviting 100 people over just to mack on one girl. Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.
Lily: You waited five minutes to tell me that.
Marshall: All right, so call her up.
Ted: No, calling's not casual. I just gotta bump into her somewhere. Now if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter.
Lily: That's great, Ted. You'll be the most casual stalker ever.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily and Marshall sitting at table, Marshall typing at laptop)
Future Ted V.O.: Now ever since Marshall put that ring on her finger, Lily had been, well, extra affectionate.
Marshall: Baby, no. I have a 25-page paper on constitutional law due Monday, I've barely started.
Lily: Hey, I'm just sitting here, wearing my ring, my beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. I kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. That's right, I'm not wearing any.
(Marshall closes laptop)
Marshall: No underwear
Lily: Not even slightly
(cut to Ted sitting at couch, watching TV)
Ted: Guys. Boundaries. There she is.
(cut to Robin on TV)
Robin: Thanks, Bill. I'm reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket on 75th and Columbus...
Ted: 75th and Columbus. Game on!
(Ted runs out the door)
(cut to Robin on TV)
Robin: ...where 4-year-old Leroy Aaron Burke has climbed inside a Grab-a-Prize machine and gotten stuck...
(cut to Ted running)
Robin: ... and all in the pursuit of a stuffed purple giraffe. For Metro News 1, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
(Ted runs into background of Robin reporting and runs back out)
(Ted walks back into supermarket)
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Robin, wow, what are the odds?
Robin: What are you doing here?
Ted; Oh, you know, just shopping for, uh, dip. I love dip. I don't love dip, I like dip, as a friend. So, hey, are you reporting a news story or something?
Robin: Yeah, kid's stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news.
Ted: Wow, kid in a crane machine. Just had to have that toy, didn't you? Couldn't play the game like everyone else
Kid: You're all sweaty
Ted: Cute kid. Um, it's so funny I should run into you, we're, uh, we're having a party next Friday if you feel like swinging by. But, you know, whatever.
Robin: Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight.
Ted: It is. It's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, I guess I've been saying next Friday all week, but, yeah, it's tonight. The party's tonight. But, you know, whatever.
INT. BEDROOM
(Marshall and Lily in bed together, phone rings, Marshall answers)
Marshall: Hello.
Ted: Hey, am I interrupting anything?
Marshall: No, no, I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books.
Ted: Yeah, well, you and Lily might want to put some clothes on. We're throwing a party in two hours. OK, bye.
INT. APARTMENT
(lots of people milling around)
Marshall: So, Gatsby, what are you going to do when robin shows up?
Ted: OK, I got it all planned out.
(cut to fantasy scenes that correspond to following plan in Ted's head)
Ted: She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these: 'Hey, what's up?"' She says, hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera. And then I say, 'well, make yourself at home' and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, 'oh, you're still here,' I say, like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually, 'wanna see the roof?'
Marshall, Lily (in unison): The roof.
Ted: Get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest.
Barney: What's so special about the roof?
Lily: Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof.
Marshall: We do it up there sometimes.
Barney: Solid plan, my little friend...
Ted: We're the same height.
Barney: ...but may I suggest one little modification?
(cut to scenario in Ted's head)
Barney: That foxy young thing you were chatting up, take her up to the roof and have sex with her crazy monkey style...
Ted: That's not the plan.
Barney: It should be the plan. I mean, look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smoking.
Fantasy Girl: Thank you
Ted: But she's not Robin.
(cut to party in apartment)
Barney: Exactly. Ted, let's rap. Statistic. At every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know. And you will never see her again. Do you see...where I'm going...with this?
Ted: Barney, I don't think so.
Barney: Ahhh. (pulls down imaginary periscope) Scoping, beep, scoping, beep.
Lily: Man, you're a dork.
Barney: Beep beep beep beep beep. Target acquired. And now it's time we play a little game I like to call, have you met Ted?
(Barney drags Ted towards girl)
Ted: Oh, come on, not this.
Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
Girl: No.
Ted: Hi.
Girl: Hi.
Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily?
Girl: No.
Barney: Hm, do you know anyone at this party?
Girl: I work with Carlos.
Barney: Excuse me.
(Barney turns to Ted, Marshall and Lily)
Barney: Anyone know a Carlos?
Ted: No.
Lily: No.
Barney: On a silver platter. Bon appetit.
Ted: I don't think so.
Barney: Your loss, her gain.
(Barney turns back to Girl)
Barney: Excuse me. Can I show you the roof? It's magical up there.
Girl: Sure.
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, hey, hey, I got that roof reserved.
Barney: Dude, Robin's not coming.
Ted: Hey, she's gonna show up! She'll show up.
(cut to Lily, Ted, and Marshall sitting on couch alone)
Future Ted V.O.: She didn't show up.
Lily: At least it was a great party.
Marshall: I ate like four whole cans of dip.
Ted: You always know what to say, old friend.
(cell phone rings, Ted looks at it)
Ted: It's Robin.
Lily: Answer it.
Ted: No no no, not right away. Gotta seem casual.
(answers phone)
Ted: Hello.
(cut to Robin in her apartment on phone)
Robin: I'm so sorry I missed your party.
(cut to Ted on phone)
Ted: Who is this? Meredith?
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: Robin.
(cut to Ted on phone, stands up from couch)
Ted: Oh, Robin! Hey, yeah, guess you never showed up, did you?
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: No, I got stuck at work. But, they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.
(cut to Ted oh phone)
Ted: Did he get to keep the purple giraffe?
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders.
(cut to Ted on phone)
Ted: Ha
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: I wish your party was tonight.
(cut to Ted on phone, Marshall stands up quickly)
Ted: It is. The party's tonight. Yeah, uh, it's a two-day party 'cause that's just how we roll. Uh, so if you want to swing by, it's casual. See ya. (hands up phone) So that was Robin.
Marshall: What are you doing to me, man? I got a paper to write.
Ted: I know, I'm sorry, it's terrible. I'll buy more dip. (runs out the door)
Marshall: Ted. Ted, wait! Get French onion!
(Marshall closes the door)
Marshall: Can you believe this guy? I got a paper to write.
(Lily looks at Marshall coyly)
Marshall: OK, fine, but it's gotta be like super-quick and no cuddling after.
Lily: I'm the luckiest girl alive.
(Lily goes into bedroom, Marshall throws off robe and follows her in)
INT. APARTMENT
(next evening, people milling around)
Barney: Aw, you were so right about the roof. That girl from last night, I took her back to my place. Then, this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple of times, and sent her walking. She will never find her way back...and there she is. How did she get here? Did you invite her?
Ted: I have no idea who that is.
Barney: She said she works with Carlos. Who's Carlos?
Ted: I don't know any Carlos.
Barney: Grr...hi, you! You're back.
Girl: I sure am. (kisses Barney) Come on, sweetie, I need a drink.
Barney: Sweetie? Really?
(Girl and Barney go into kitchen)
(Marshall and Lily head towards window to roof, Ted stops them)
Ted: Whoa, no, rabbits, come on. I got that roof reserved.
(Barney walks out of kitchen)
Barney: So, it's over between me and works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted: Oh, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met.
(cut to Barney talking to works-with-Carlos Girl in kitchen)
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Works-with-Carlos Girl: What?
(cut to Barney talking to Ted)
Barney: Thanks, bro.
(Barney walks away)
Ted: Glad I could help.
(Ted sees Marshall and Lily going up to the roof)
Ted: What the? No, no, come on!
Marshall: Sorry, Ted.
Ted: Great. What am I going to do when robin shows up? She'll show up.
(cut to Lily, Ted, and Marshall sitting on couch alone)
Future Ted V.O.: She didn't show up.
Marshall: All right OK, we threw two parties. Everyone had fun. Everyone Wang-ed, everyone Chung-ed. Now The Kid has got to get to work.
(Marshall gets up from couch) Marshall: And The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me. I will not have sex with Marshall.
Lily, Ted (in unison): I will not have sex with Marshall.
(phone rings)
Ted: It's Robin. (Ted answers phone) Hello.
(cut to Robin in her apartment)
Robin: Hi, Ted.
(cut to Ted on phone)
Ted: Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry, you totally sounded like Amanda.
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: It's Robin.
(cut to Ted on phone, gets up from couch)
Ted: Oh, Robin. Hi.
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: I totally wanted to come. I got stuck at work again, I feel like I live there. Sorry I missed your party again.
(cut to Ted on phone)
Ted: Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita.
(Ted puts down phone and says to Marshall and Lily...)
Ted: Who am I?
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: I guess there's no chance that your two-day-er turned into a three-day-er.
Ted: It did indeed. The party continues tonight.
(Marshall gets up quickly towards Ted) Ted: Yeah, last night, people were like, keep it going, bro! Party trifecta!
(Ted tries to run away from Marshall)
(cut to Robin on phone)
Robin: Wow. OK, well, I'll be there.
(cut to Ted)
Ted: Great. See ya tonight.
Ted: So that was Robin.
INT. APARTMENT
(not as many people milling around)
Future Ted V.O.: So I threw a third party for Robin ... on a Sunday night.
Barney: Oh, this is lame.
Ted: Lame, or casual?
Barney: Lame.
Ted: Or casual?
Lily: Hey, Law Books, ready for a little 15 minute recess.
Marshall: Sorry, baby, I gotta work. I need all my blood up here. Has anyone seen a Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923? Anyone seen a big-ass book?
(people murmur): No.
Works-with Carlos Girl: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Of course.
Works-with Carlos Girl: You look well. Is it weird they invited both of us?
Barney: Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are.
Works-with Carlos Girl: I understand you're hurt, but you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you.
Barney: Who is Carlos?!
Marshall: Hey, where the hell is my...oh! OK. Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923 is NOT A COASTER! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw, not one, not two, but three parties for some girl you that just met who's probably not even going to show up. I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin?
(Marshall turns around and sees Robin)
Marshall: Hi. Hi, Robin.
(Marshall throws down law book and grabs Lily's hand and drags her to bedroom)
Robin: So, you threw all these parties for me?
Ted: No, oh you thought that I, no...OK, yes, you got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so that I could introduce you to this guy.
(Barney pushes some guy towards Ted)
Ted: Uh, I figured, you know, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it. Anyway, Robin, this is...
Carlos: Carlos.
Barney, Ted: Ohhh.
(cut to Ted, Lily, Marshall and Barney at drafting table)
Ted: She's still talking to Carlos. I can still win this, it's not over.
Lily: OK, buddy, time for the tough talk. Robin seems great, but let's look at the facts. You want to get married. And right now, there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you. But Robin ain't one of them.
Ted: She's not just one of the them. She's The One.
Barney: Yeah, well, The One is heading up to The Roof.
(cut to Robin and Carlos heading out window to roof)
Marshall: What are you gonna do?
Ted: Nothing. It's a game, I gotta just keep playing it.
(music plays while scene cuts back and forth - Ted looking at open window - kid pressing start button on crane game, moving joystick, and crane moving - Ted remembering seeing Robin for first time - kid presses drop claw button, crane moving down towards purple giraffe - Robin laughing on first date - claw grabs purple giraffe - Ted looking at window - Ted and Robin dancing in her apartment - giraffe slipping off crane - window - Ted looking at window - kid crawling into crane machine - Ted crawling out window to go up to the roof)
EXT. ROOF
(Ted lands on roof where Robin and Carlos are)
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Hey, Carlos, can you give us a minute?
Carlos: Hey, no sweat, hombre.
(Carlos leaves)
Robin: See ya.
Ted: Robin, look, I didn't throw this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.
Robin: Well, here I am.
Ted: There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy.
Robin: You're not crazy. I don't know, Ted. I mean, we barely know each other, and you're looking at me with that look and it's like...
Ted: It's like, what?
Robin: It's like, let's fall in love and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.
Ted: I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested
Robin: It's a great look, but you're looking at the wrong girl.
Ted: No I'm not.
Robin: Yes, you are. I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever. And if we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you or break your heart. And I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel.
Ted: Click. Off. Let's make out.
Robin: What?
Ted: What, that was the off switch? And I turned it off. I mean, look, sure, yes, I want to fall in love and get married, blah blah blah, but on the other hand, you, me, the roof.
Robin: There's no off switch.
Ted: There is an off switch and it's off
Robin: No it's not.
Ted: Yes it is.
Robin: No it's not.
Ted: Yes it is.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
Ted: No it's not. You're right, there's no off switch. God, I wish there was an off switch.
Robin: Me too.
(both laugh)
Ted: So, um, what do we do now?
Robin: We could be friends.
(Ted puts hand over heart as if shot)
Robin: Look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that, but we could.
Ted: I don't know, Robin. I made such a jackass of myself here, we start hanging out, every time I see you, it'll be like, oh, that's right, I'm a jackass
Robin: You're not a jackass. Look, I'm sorry, I only moved here in April and I'm always working and I just haven't met a lot of good people so far. But I understand.
Ted: Well, uh, maybe in a few months, after it's not so fresh, we can all get a beer.
Robin: Yeah, that sounds good. I'll see ya, Ted.
(Robin walks towards the ladder of the roof)
Ted: Or, you know, now. We could all get a beer now.
Robin: I'd like that.
(Ted walks towards ladder)
Ted: My friends are gonna love you, like you, you know, as a friend. Jackass.
INT. BAR
Barney: Unbelieveable.
(cut to Carlos and Works-with-Carlos Girl making out at bar)
Barney: That's just a recipe for disaster. They work together.
Ted: You jealous?
Barney: Oh, please, what does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight.
Ted, Marshall, Lily: Ohhhh.
Lily: Stop the tape, rewind, play it again.
Robin: (makes tape rewinding sound) A date tonight.
Barney: I'm not sure I like her.
Ted: Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall: Dude, you're talking to The Kid.
Ted: I know it.
Marshall: I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna write a 25-page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Future Ted V.O.: He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good.
Ted: At least let me buy you a beer. Come on, I'll buy everyone a beer.
Robin: I'll carry.
(Ted and Robin walk towards bar)
Robin: You know something, Ted?
Ted: What?
Robin: You are a catch. You're gonna make some girl very happy, and I am going to help you find her.
Ted: Well, good luck. Maybe New York's too big a town. I mean, there's millions of people in this city. How, in all this mess, is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin?
(Robin turns to girl next to them)
Robin: Hi, have you met Ted?
(Robin walks away with beer, Ted shakes hands with girl, Robin smiles at Ted from table, Ted smiles back and continues talking to girl)