How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
1x03: Sweet Taste of Liberty
Original Airdate: 10/3/2005
Written by: Chris Miller & Phil Lord
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
YEAR 2030, GIRL AND BOY SITTING ON COUCH
Future Ted: So there was this one night before I met your mother when I really wanted to go to the bar.
Son: The bar. Big surprise
Daughter: You sure spent a lot of time in bars.
Future Ted: Well, that's just what we did back then.
(snapshots of Ted, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin)
Future Ted V.O.: Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin. We all used to hang out at this one bar called MacLaren's. But then one night...
EXT. CITY STREET
(Ted, Marshall and Lily walking; Ted and Lily are both talking on cell phones)
Ted: Why don't we go to MacLaren's?
Lily: Let's go to MacLaren's.
Marshall: You guys talking to each other? Nobody's listening.
Ted: What's wrong with MacLaren's?
INT. CAB
(Barney on phone with Ted)
Barney: MacLaren's is bore, snore. Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies. It's gonna be legendary. Phone-five.
(Barney gives his phone five and frame freezes during VO)
Future Ted V.O.: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted. Come on, we always go to MacLaren's.
(cut to Ted on phone)
Ted: Yeah, 'cause MacLaren's is fun.
(cut to Barney on phone)
Barney: MacLaren's is this much fun. (Barney gestures fun level at chin height) What I'm offering is the chance to have this much fun. (Barney gestures fun level at forehead height)
Ted: See, you say that. You say it's gonna be this much fun, (Ted gestures fun level at forehead height) but most of the time it ends up being this much fun. (Ted gestures fun level at belt height) This much fun is good. (Ted gestures fun level at collar level) It's safe, it's guaranteed.
(cut to Barney on phone)
Barney: This hand gesturing thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?
(cut to Ted on phone)
Ted: No, it doesn't.
(cab stops in front of Ted, Marshall and Lily; Barney pops his head out of cab)
Barney (to Ted): Get in the cab.
Barney (to Marshall): Marshall, you too.
Marshall: Ah, I wish I could. I think Lily and I are just gonna...
Barney (interrupting): I understand. (to Ted) Get in the cab.
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uh, because he's getting laid.
Marshall: Consistently.
Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, right here. You keep going to the same bar. You're in a rut. And I am a rut-buster. I'm going to bust your rut.
Ted: It's not a rut, OK? It's a routine. And I like it
Barney: Ted, what's the first syllable in 'rut-tine'?
(Barney and Ted look at each other; Ted gives up and gets in cab with Barney)
Barney: (evil laugh) Peace out, suckers.
(cab drives away)
INT. CAB
Ted: All right, so what's this legendary plan?
Barney: First, we've got to pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: OK, I'm outta' here.
(Ted reaches for door)
Barney: Estaban, doors!
(sound of doors locking)
INT. AIRPORT
(Ted and Barney walk into baggage claim area with Barney carrying two pieces of luggage)
Barney: Just this one little thing and the rest of the night is ours.
Ted: Why do you have those suitcases? And who are we picking up?
Barney: I don't know. Mayber her. Or her! (Barney chuckles)
Ted: Wait, so when you said you were going to pick someone up at the airport, you meant you were going to pick someone up at the airport?
Barney: (clicks tongue) Scenario: couple of girls fly into town, looking for a fun weekend in NYC when they meet two handsome international businessmen just back from a lucrative trip to Japan. (puts hands together and bows slightly)
Barney: Sample dialogue: You have a wheelie bag, I have a wheelie bag.
Ted: You've got to be kidding me.
Barney: False. Sidebar, tuck in your shirt. You look sketchy.
Ted: I'm sketchy?
Barney: Trust me, it's gonna be legendary.
Ted: Don't say legendary, OK? You're too liberal with the word legendary.
(cut to Barney standing at apartment door in snowsuit, holding shovel)
Barney: We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's gonna be legendary. Snow suit up!
(Ted closes door on Barney)
(cut back to Ted and Barney at airport)
Barney: (Barney points to his eyes, Ted's eyes, his eyes, Ted's eyes with fingers in V-formation)
Ted, Ted, Ted, right here. This is happening. Now you can either put the bags on the carousel now or you can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel. Your move.
(Ted sighs)
Barney: Ted, since the dawn of time, mankind has struggled ...
(Ted puts bags on carousel quickly)
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall studying at table)
Future Ted V.O.: That night, Marshall had a ton of studying to do, so Lily went out with Robin who was new to New York and looking for a friend.
(screen splits in two with Marshall studying in one half and Robin and Lily at bar in second half)
INT. BAR
(Robin and Lily sitting at bar)
Lily: I'm so glad we finally get to hang out, just the two of us.
Robin: Yeah.
Lily: Are you sure you're OK giving up your Friday night to hang with an old, almost married lady?
Robin: Oh, please, I am so sick of the meat market scene. Guys are like the subway. You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes.
Lily: Unless it's the end of the night, and then you get on anything.
Robin: Hey-yow!
(Robin and Lily high-five)
Carl: Compliments of that guy. (gestures towards guy at another table)
(Guy lifts drink towards Robin and Lily)
Lily: Really? Sweet.
Carl: Oh, for you, it's $6.
Lily: I guess that's one drawback to being engaged. I'm sure that's why he didn't...
(Guy saunters up to bar between Robin and Lily)
Guy (to Robin): Hey.
Lily (around Guy's back): Oh, hello.
INT. AIRPORT BAGGAGE AREA
Ted (talking to girl next to him): So, uh, did you just get in from Detroit? (points both thumbs towards self) Japan.
(Girl picks up her luggage and walks away)
Barney: OK, carousel 4 is tapped out. Ready? Because I'm about to drop some knowledge. Cute girls are not from Buffalo. (notices two girls) Time out, ten o'clock. You ready to rock this, Tiger?
Ted: All right, um, I think we need to refine our back story first. How did we...
Barney: Ted, you klutzy great guy, you!
(Barney pushes Ted so that he falls over two girls' luggage cart)
Barney: Hey. Barney.
Blonde Girl: Hi.
Brunette Girl: My God, are you OK?
Ted: I, I'm so sorry.
Brunette Girl: It's fine, no. You were a little shaky on your landing. I'd give you a 9.2.
(Ted jumps up with arms over his head)
Ted: Hi, I'm Ted.
Brunette Girl: Laura. Look, I'm really sorry that we have to hit and run but we've got a plane to catch.
Ted: Oh, where you headed?
Brunette Girl: Philadelphia.
Barney: Philly? That's where we're headed.
Laura: You are? Then we'll see you on the plane.
Barney: Yes you will.
Barney: Follow them. Tickets on me.
(Barney runs out)
Ted: No. Barney, don't you get on that escalator! And don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator!
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall studying at table)
Marshall (singing to self): Studying law, making a responsible choice for my future, on a Friday night. Being a lawyer had better be awesome
(phone rings, Marshall answers)
Marshall (singing): What's up, Ted?
(cut to Ted on phone in airplane)
Ted: Are you all right?
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Yeah.
(cut to Ted)
Ted: Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a - ready? - plane - you ready? - to Philadelphia.
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: That is awesome.
(cut to Barney and Ted on airplane)
Barney: Is that Marshall?
(Barney takes phone away from Ted)
Barney: Marshall, stop whatever you're doing, get into that hoopty-ass Fiero of yours and come meet us in Philly. It's gonna be legendary!
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Man, I wish I could, guys.
(cut to Barney)
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I sent you some pictures on my phone. Check it.
(Marshall looks at phone to see picture of Barney points V-fingers towards his own eyes, next photo V-fingers pointed away from him)
Barney: Philly! (Barney hangs up phone call)
Barney: Admit it, you're having fun. This much f-- ... 35000 feet of fun. (gesturing fun level at forehead height)
Ted: Well, I didn't think I would be flying to Philadelphia when I woke up this morning, I'll give you that.
Barney: Atta' boy. Now let's go talk to those girls.
Ted: Whoa whoa whoa, the seat belt sign's on.
Barney: Ted, you've been living your whole life in a seat belt. It's time to unclick. (takes off seat belt and starts to stand up)
Flight Attendant: Sir, seat belt light's on.
Barney: Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. (sits back down)
INT. BAR
(Lily and Robin sitting and talking at bar)
Lily: Well, I grew up in Park Slope.
Robin: Oh, I love Park Slope. When did you move to Manhattan?
Guy #2 (to Robin): You're from Park Slope.
Robin: No, she is. (pointing to Lily)
Guy #2 (to Robin): So, where you from? Heaven?
Robin: Yeah, I'm a ghost. I died 15 years ago, like that pick-up line.
Lily: Hey, yo!
(Guy #2 walks away)
Robin: God, I'm so sorry.
Lily: Oh, believe me, I've been there. I have this line that I use when guys ... check it out.
(another guy walks toward them and leans up against bar between Robin and Lily)
Guy: Hey.
Lily: You take this one. I'll save it for the next one.
INT. AIRPLANE
(Ted and Barney talking to two cute girls)
Ted: So, what brings you guys to Philly?
Brunette Girl: We're visiting our boyfriends.
Blonde Girl: I think Chris is going to propose this weekend.
Brunette Girl: Isn't that great? Ted: So great.
Future Ted V.O.: So, there we were, stuck on an airplane to Philadelphia with two very un-single girls, all thanks to your Uncle Barney.
Brunette Girl: Aren't they cute? They're both linebackers for the Eagles. (passes picture to Ted and Barney)
Ted: Both. Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.
INT. BAR
(Lily talking on phone)
Lily: Going to Philly, why?
(cut to Marshall in car talking on phone)
Marshall: I didn't ask.
(cut to Lily)
Lily: Well, it sounds like you're having a lot more fun than I am. I'm just talking to guys' backs while they hit on Robin.
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Oh, yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.
(cut to Lily)
Lily: Don't you bet I get that a lot?
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Not with a ring on your finger. I mean, you know, guys see the ring, it's like, ch-chong, Marshall parking only.
(cut to Lily)
Lily: Oh, of course, that's it, the ring. I guess I'm not used to it yet.
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Oh, it's totally the ring. If you took that ring off you finger, you'd have a ton of guys crowding your junk.
(cut to Lily)
Lily: I'm not gonna to take off my ring. Wouldn't you be jealous of guys swarming all over my beeswax?
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Oh yeah, you know me, I'm the jealous type. Any goon so much as looks at you, I'll sock him in the kisser. No, seriously, you girls have a good time tonight. (hangs up phone)
Lily: Bye.
(Lily hangs up phone, looks at ring, looks around bar, takes off ring and puts it in her pocket)
Lily: Robin. Robin. Hey, I'm over here. (waving wildly with her left hand)
INT. MARSHALL'S CAR
Marshall (singing into phone): G-g-g-going to Philly.
(screen splits in two with Marshall on phone on bottom half and Ted on phone and Barney in airplain)
Ted: Marshall, don't come to Philly.
Marshall: But we're on an adventure.
Ted: We're on a tarmac in Philadelphia. Crazy adventure.
Marshall: Fine. (both Marshall and Ted hang up)
INT. AIRPLANE
Barney: No, no, the night is just started. Look, airport bar, flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in its full upright position. Say what! (puts up hand waiting for high-five)
Officer: Passengers Mosby and Stinson, please come with us, gentlemen. Keep your hands where I can see them.
(Security personnel escort Ted and Barney off plane)
Ted: Barney, I am going to kill you.
Barney: Don't say you're gonna to kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool. (looks back at officer) Not cool
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
Barney: This is an outrage. We are international businessmen on a very important international business trip. I demand you release us immediately!
Ted: You demand! No no no no no, he does not demand. We have no demands.
Officer: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remain calm.
Ted: OK, I'm calm. I'm totally calm.
Officer: We've got footage of you placing two bags on JFK carousel 3 and abandoning them to purchase a last-minute flight with cash.
Barney (to Ted): The bags were your responsibility.
Ted (to Barney): They were your bags!
Officer: Sir, please, we're assessing the bag situation.
(cut to two Bomb Squad guys waving wand over two bags on baggage carousel)
(cut back to interrogation room)
Ted: Look, this is all just a misunderstanding.
Barney: (to Ted) Please. (to Officer) We are international businessmen. My colleague accidentally left the bags there. Now, please, let us go before we miss our international business meeting.
Officer: I can't remember the last time I saw an international businessman with an untucked shirt.
(Barney looks at Ted)
Officer: In addition, we've received this footage taken over the last few months.
(Officer turns on TV with remote control)
(cut to TV with footage of Barney at baggage carousel on 2-24-05 leaving luggage on carousel, on 3-17-05 leaving long ski-shaped luggage at carousel, and 5-23-05 coming out of luggage on carousel)
Barney: Believe it or not, that duffel bag thing worked.
Ted: The truth is, my friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls. And we followed some here to Philadelphia. Th-th-that's it. That's all this is.
Officer: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: We are international businessmen.
Ted: Oh come on!
Officer: Sir, lower your voice or I will restrain you.
Barney: Dude, seriously, relax.
Ted: We at least get to call our lawyer.
Barney: Exactly. (turns to Ted) We have a lawyer?
(cut to Marshall in car on phone)
Marshall: Listen to me. You're both American citizens. Don't let them pull any Patriot Act voodoo. You both retain the right to refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present, so don't say anything till I get there, all right? OK, good-bye. (hangs up phone and makes U-turn)
Marshall (sings): Philly! Adventure continues. Destroy
INT. BAR
Robin: It's ridiculous in here. Why don't we go somewhere else?
Lily: No, this place is great. (unbuttons sweater and puckers up mouth)
Robin: What are you doing?
Lily: What?
Robin: With your lips and everything.
Lily: My lips are always like this. (takes a drink and spills drink down her front)
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
(Both Ted and Barney have hands tied behind back)
Ted: You had to play the race card.
Barney: Relax, Ted, we didn't do anything wrong. And, BTW, we'd be out of here by now if you'd tucked in your shirt.
Officer: Go ahead, JFK, what is the baggage status?
(cut to Bomb Squad Guy)
Bomb Squad Guy: They're clean. It's just a whole bunch of condoms. And a Power bar.
(cut to interrogation room)
Officer: You're free to go.
(cut to Marshall driving in car on phone)
Ted: Don't come to Philly.
Marshall: Man, I'm almost halfway there.
(screen splits in two with Ted on phone in top half and Marshall on phone in bottom half)
Ted: Yeah, we just got released and we're heading back on the next flight. Meet us at MacLaren's, maybe we can still make last call.
Marshall: Can we just, just?
Ted: No, we can't just. We're going home.
(Barney enters scene on top with Ted)
Barney: We're going to Sascha's.
Ted: Who the hell is Sascha?
Barney: Sascha. She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's going to be legen - wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is - dary.
Ted: No.
Barney: Legendary!
Marshall: Legendary, that sounds awesome.
Ted: No, Marshall, we're going back.
Marshall: Fine, hold on, I have another call.
(Marshall answers second call)
Marshall: Hello.
(top half of screen splits in two and Barney is on phone in left half and Ted is still on phone in right half)
Barney: Marshall, we're going to Sascha's.
Ted: No we're not.
(Barney enters Ted's half of the screen)
Barney: (pointing fingers at Ted's eyes and his eyes) Ted Ted Ted, right here. Yes we are
Marshall (switches back to first call): Sorry, buddy, two against one.
INT. BAR
Robin: Ooh, look, a booth opened up.
Lily: Really. (playing with hair and smiling at some guy)
Robin: Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk...and you're not listening to me so I'm gonna walk away.
Lily: Yeah, yeah, booth. (gives her bag to Robin as she walks away)
(Guy walks over to Lily)
Guy #3: Hey.
Lily: Hey. I'm engaged. (takes ring out of pocket) I'm sorry, I took my ring off. It's very, very sweet of you to come over and talk to me but I just...
Guy #3: Yeah, I'm gay. I just came over to let you know that you sat on a grape.
(Lily looks and sees grape on back of her skirt)
Lily: Oh, dammit.
EXT. CITYSCAPE
Future Ted V.O.: So, Barney and I hit the town, Philadelphia, PA. Our first and only stop - Sascha's party.
INT. SASCHA'S PLACE
(Ted and Barney sitting on couch between two other guys)
Barney: So, you're Sascha's friends, huh?
Dana: You know it.
(Sascha walks down the stairs)
Sascha: You guys, keep the volume down. You're gonna wake my grandpa. Who wants hard lemonade?
(Sascha passes drinks to guys on couch)
Barney: Philly!
Sascha: Shhh!
Barney (whispers): Philly!
INT. BAR
Future Ted V.O.: Back at the bar, girls night out wasn't going as Robin had hoped.
(Lily and Guy talking at bar)
(Robing sitting alone in booth)
(cell phone rings in Lily's bag, Robin answers)
Robin: Lily's phone.
(cut to Marshall in car on phone)
Marshall: Robin, where's Lily?
(cut to Robin)
Robin: She's, uh...
(cut to Marshall)
Marshall: Is she talking to some hot guy? Well, you can tell me, it's totally cool, it was my idea. Hell, I told her she could take the ring off.
Robin: Really, I thought it was kinda weird, but if you're cool with it, yeah, it's off and she's talking to some guy. Do you want me to go over and...
(cut to Marshall on phone)
Marshall: No, don't interrupt, it's awesome. So, the ring's really off. Awesome. Well, just tell her I called. And tell her that she's awesome. (hangs up phone)
Marshall (sings): Really, really awesome. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. Can't breathe.
INT. SASCHA'S PLACE
Barney: You hear that, Ted. Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.
Dana: I do OK.
Barney: Ha, must be really well-cordoned off over there. You ever go behind the rope and touch it.
Dana: Only all the time
Barney: You ever like stick your head inside it?
Dana: Yeah.
Barney: You ever lick it?
Dana: Nope. I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I dare say it would be, what's the word?
Ted: Well, this is my stop. (gets up from couch)
Barney: Legendary. Ted, legendary.
Ted: Barney, I'm going to the airport. Sasha, thank you. And, uh, tell your grandpa I'm sorry I walked in on him in the bathroom.
INT. BAR
Guy #3: I'll get some club soda for that stain. (walks away)
(Robin walks up to Lily)
Robin: Lily, I thought tonight was about us hanging out. What are you doing?
Lily: Just fending off the advances of that totally hot guy.
Robin: Dude, I think that guy is gay
Lily: Oh, I know that guy is gay. It's just Marshall and I have been together for 9 years. I haven't been single since high school.
Robin: You want to be single? You want to fight off loser guys all night? Does that seem like fun to you?
Lily: I guess I just wanted to throw this net back into the ocean and see how many fish I could catch. So far one; one gay dolphin.
Robin: And Marshall. Lily, all these girls here tonight are all hoping to catch what you've already got.
Lily: You're right, I know. Hey, do you wanna go get coffee and have an actual conversation?
Robin: If by coffee, you mean cheesecake, then yes.
(Guy #3 comes back)
Guy #3: Hey, I got that club soda. Let's see that bootie.
Lily: Thank you so much.
(Marshall walks into bar)
Marshall: You wanna mess, pal? That's my fiance's hot backside that you're dabbing.
Lily: Marshall, no!
Marshall: Baby, please, don't ever take that ring off again no matter how awesome I say that it is.
Guy #3: It's OK, man.
Marshall: Back off, hombre. I'm not that afraid to fight you. You wanna test this, guy? Be my guest
Lily: Marshall, he's gay.
Marshall: Oh, Thank God, I've never been in a fight before. (hugs Guy #3)
Guy #3You don't say.
Future Ted V.O.: So it turned out that Uncle Marshall really was the jealous type. Unfortunately that guy's boyfriend? Also the jealous type.
(Aother guy comes and pull Marshall off Guy #3)
INT. CAB
Barney: Coulda licked the Liberty Bell.
Ted: We're going to the airport.
Barney: Bong, bong
Ted: Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer in my regular bar with my regular friends in my regular city.
Barney: Ted, Ted, you're not even looking.
Ted: No I'm not.
Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, OK? Not for the sit-around and wait of happiness. Now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day. Or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
Cab Driver: That was beautiful, Man.
Barney: Thanks, Leonard.
Barney: Ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson here.
Ted: Look, I don't need you to teach me how to live, OK? I know how to live. If you want to go lick the Liberty Bell, just go lick it yourself.
Barney: No, it has to be the two of us.
Ted: Why? Why do you need me?
Barney: Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno. Fine, if you want to go home, then we'll go home.
Ted: (sighs) Fine. We'll go lick the Liberty Bell.
Barney: Good, 'cause we're here.
Ted V.O.: I had no idea how Barney redirected the cab without me knowing but we got out, Dana let us in, and by God, we licked the Liberty Bell. And, you know what it tastes like?
(cut to MacLaren's, Ted talking to Girl at bar)
Girl: What?
Ted: Freedom. No, actually, it tastes like pennies.
Girl: My God. Did you guys really do that?
Future Ted V.O.: We really did. And that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney. I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story.
INT. LIVING ROOM YEAR 2030
Daughter: So, that girl you were talking to, that was Mom?
Future Ted.: Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot in an Impressionist painting.
Son: So, that's a no.
Future Ted: Yeah, that's a no. What? Come on!