How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
1x04: Return of the Shirt
Original Airdate: 10/10/2005
Written by: Kourtney Kang
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
YEAR 2030, GIRL AND BOY SITTING ON COUCH
Future Ted: Kids, when you're single, all you're looking for is happily ever after. But only one of your stories can end that way. The rest end with someone getting hurt. This is one of those stories. And it starts with a shirt.
Daughter: A shirt?
Future Ted: Just listen,
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted pulls out shirt from closet)
Future Ted V.O.: because none of this would have happened if if hadn't been for that shirt.
INT. BAR
(Ted walks in towards where Lily, Robin, Barney and Marshall are sitting at a booth)
Robin: Nice shirt.
Ted: Right, right?
Lily: Look at those colors. Green and brown together at last!
Marshall: Hot top, bro! Is it new?
(Ted pulls up chair to the booth and sits down)
Ted: That's the crazy part. I've had this shirt for like six years. Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all, but, now, it's like my tastes have changed.
Barney: Booger
Ted: Yes, hello, Barney.
Robin: Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I'm not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What! Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people. Babies. Monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to ... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall, Miss Thang!
(Lily affectionately taps Robin on arm)
Robin: So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion by saying 'booger' for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not, because now you're saying 'nipple' and it's 100. Step into my web.
(Barney crooks his index finger and moves it in a 'come here' motion)
Ted: Mm, who's bourbon is this?
Lily: I don't know. It was here when we sat down.
Ted: The point is I seem to like bourbon now. I could have sworn I hated bourbon. First, the shirt, now bourbon. I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right? The movie I saw once and hated. The city I'll never go back to because it was raining the day I visited. Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions.
Marshall: You're finally gonna watch Goonies again! Sloth love chunk.
Ted: Not Goonies, girls. What if there's someone from my past who I thought was wrong for me at the time, when in fact she, like this shirt, is actually a perfect fit?
Barney: Hold up, there are only two reasons to ever date a girl you've already dated. Breast implants. (Barney counts with his fingers)
Lily: This isn't a bad idea. Let's think, Ted's greatest hits. What about that girl, Steph?
Ted: Steph...
(cut to Ted and Steph's date)
Steph: This is difficult to say. Back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke, so I spent a month making adult films.
Ted: Wow. OK. How many did you make?
Steph: 175.
(cut to bar)
Lily: Say what you will about the porn industry, they're hard workers.
Marshall: What about that chick, Jackie?
(cut to Ted and Jackie's date)
Ted: ...and my bathing had fallen completely off.
(Ted and Jackie laugh)
Jackie: I know the feeling. Once, when I was 16, I was driving, and I hit this hitchhiker. Don't know what happened to him, just kept driving.
(Jackie laughs)
(cut to bar)
Ted: Ah, no.
Lily: What about Natalie?
Marshall, Ted: Natalie...
Robin: Who's Natalie?
Future Ted V.O.: Natalie.
(cut to memories of Natalie)
Future Ted V.O.: I had so many fond memories of her: the tea candles on her dresser; the sock monkey collection on her bed; that one Belle and Sebastian song she always listened to; her smile.
(cut to bar)
Ted: Man, I haven't seen her in like 3 years.
Robin: Why did you guys break up?
Ted: I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time. Of course, now, a big commitment doesn't seem so bad. Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think?
Barney: You dumped a porn star! Friendship over.
(Barney stands up to leave)
Barney: (yelling down at Ted) Friendship over!
INT. MR. ADAMS OFFICE
Mr. Adams: Come in.
Mr. Adams (into phone) : All right, get back to me.
Robin: You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams?
Mr. Adams: Yes I did. I need you to cover a story. It's down at City hall.
Robin: City Hall? Oh my God.
(cut to TV showing Robin giving newscast in front of City Hall)
Robin: So, next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart. Today a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50, but back when the stand first opened in 1955, you could get one for only a nipple. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.
INT. APARTMENT
Robin: I said 'nipple' on the news. That was so unprofessional. I said 'nipple' on the news.
Lily: At least it's better than booger. (chuckles to self) Booger.
(Barney knocks and enters apartment)
Barney: There she is. Hey, Is it cold in here? 'Cause I can kinda' see Robin's nickels.
Barney: Now, for your next challenge.
Robin: There's not gonna be another challenge. I don't care how much you offer me.
Barney: Oh, search your soul, Robin. You and I both know this wasn't about the money. Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack. And, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me and Mr. McGee.
Lily: Seriously, who talks like that?
Barney: What Baby really likes is the thrill of pulling one over on those bean counters who under-appreciate you and still haven't promoted you. And so for two more hundisticks, Baby is going to look in the camera and say this.
(Barney whispers into Robin's ear)
Lily: Eww.
(Barney looks at Lily)
Lily: I'm just assuming.
Robin: I gotta get back to work.
Robin: (to Lily) See ya.
Lily: Bye.
Robin: (to Barney) Baby's gonna think about it.
(Robin exits apartment)
(Ted walks into living room from his bedroom)
Ted: Found it. I found Natalie's number.
Lily: Hey, Ted, nice shirt. Is it yesterday already?
Ted: I am calling her.
(Ted picks up phone and starts dialing)
Ted: This is crazy. I haven't talked to her in like 3 years. I wonder if she even remembers me.
INT. NATALIE'S APARTMENT
(phone rings, Natalie answers)
Natalie: Hello.
(cut to Ted)
Ted: Natalie, it's Ted Mosby.
(cut to Natalie)
Natalie: Go to hell. (hangs up phone)
(cut to Ted who also hangs up phone)
Ted: She remembers me.
(return from commercial break)
Lily: Why would Natalie hang up on you?
Ted: I don't know.
Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No.
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No.
Barney: Losing interest in your story.
Lily: Well, you must have done something. Why did you guys break up?
Marshall: He wasn't ready for a commitment.
Lily: Uh-huh.
Ted: And her birthday might have been coming up.
Lily: Uh-huh.
Ted: OK, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift for a girl I was just about to break up with.
Lily: So you dumped her right before her birthday?
Ted: No, I didn't dump her right before her birthday.
Marshall: Oh.
(flashback to Ted on the phone)
Ted: Natalie, hey! Happy Birthday. Listen...
(cut to present)
Lily: (hitting Ted once for every word) Never break up with a girl on her birthday!
Ted: Lily, please! The shirt! I know, it was a mistake.
Lily: Well, did she cry her eyes out?
Ted: I don't know.
Lily: How do you not...? You didn't.
(flashback to Ted on phone)
Ted: Natalie, hey! Happy birthday! Listen...
(answering machine blinking entering screen on left)
Ted: ... you're awesome. You really are...awesome. I'm just like super busy right now so maybe we should just call it a day. But you're awesome.
(cut to present)
Lily: (hitting Ted) On her answering machine!
Ted: Ow. Ow.
Lily: (hitting Ted) And on her birthday!
Ted: Lily, come on.
Lily: (hitting Ted) Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday?!
Marshall: Yeah, dude, e-mail.
Lily: Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall. That is a terrible way to break up with someone.
Marshall: OK, in my client's defense, is there an un-terrible way to break up with somebody? No. Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?
Lily: (into phone) Hi, Marshall, it's Lily, we're not gonna have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. OK, bye-bye.
Barney: No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing.
Ted: OK, it was childish and stupid. I just, I didn't want to see her cry.
Lily: Well, guess what, she cried. You just didn't have the sack to face those tears.
Ted: That was me then, OK?. This is the new old-shirt wearing, sack-having Ted. I'm gonna make this right.
Barney: You know what else? My-younger-sister-just-got-married-and-I'm-about-to-turn-30 sex. Fantastic.
(Robin giving newscast)
Robin: An occasion that was supposed to joyous suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis, New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their 100th birthday.
I'm a dirty dirty girl. (spanks self) Ow. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.
Producer: Joel Adams wants to see you in his office.
INT. MR. ADAMS' OFFICE
(Robin sitting down in front of Mr. Adams sitting at his desk)
Robin: Before you say anything, I just want to say that I really like working here at Metro News 1.
Mr. Adams: That's great. So, my dog keeps going (makes hairball-ish noise). What do you think that means?
Robin: What?
Mr. Adams: You have dogs, right? What do you think that means?
Robin: Take him to the vet?
Mr. Adams: Genius. That's one I owe ya!
Robin: Was that all?
Mr. Adams: Yep.
(Robin stands up to leave office)
Robin: And nothing about the twin story.
Mr. Adams (without looking up): Oh yeah, great job on that one. New York loves ya, you're a superstar. Bye-bye!
Future Ted V.O.: That's when Robin realized no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News 1.
INT. NATALIE'S APARTMENT
(doorbell rings)
(Natalie walks to door and looks through peephole to see sock monkey, opens door)
Ted: Hi.
(Natalie slams door in Ted's face)
Ted: (knocking) Natalie, come on. I just wanna say I'm sorry. I only came down here cuz you wouldn't take my call.
Natalie: Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you leave a message?
Ted: Good one. OK, fine, I'm just gonna leave this sock monkey here. Good-bye. (pretends to walk away)
(Natalie opens door to pick up monkey, Ted sneaks up to her and she lets out little scream)
Ted: OK, OK, look look look, I know you're mad, but happy birthday three years ago.
Natalie: Oh yeah? Up yours, three years ago.
Ted: Look look, I was an idiot leaving that message. I realize how much that sucked.
Natalie: No you don't.
(flashback to answering machine while Ted is leaving break-up message; image pans out to show lots of people in Natalie's apartment crouching down, getting ready to surprise her)
...maybe we should just call it a day. But you're awesome. OK, bye.
(Natalie enters apartment)
Natalie's friends: Surprise.
(cut back to present)
Ted: There was a surprise party that night?
Ted: How come nobody told me? People think I can't keep a secret but I totally can. Sorry, not the issue. Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment.
Natalie: And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down.
Ted: Well, yeah, actually. I'm a different guy now. Give me another chance.
Natalie: You must think that I have absolutely no self-respect.
Ted: Come on, just a cup of coffee.
Ted: (talking behind sock monkey) Please, Natalie, give the guy a chance. Self-respect is overrated.
(Natalie laughs)
INT. NATALIE'S BEDROOM
(Ted and Natalie in bed together)
Natalie: Wow. Maybe it was the caffeine. But you've really brought your game up to a whole new level.
Ted: Thanks. I did just start subscribing to Esquire. They have some helpful columns. The following is from the October issue. (kisses Natalie)
Future Ted V.O.: So Natalie and I started dating again. And just like that, it all came back: the tea candles, the sock monkeys, Belle and Sebastian, all of it. It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off.
INT. BAR
(Lily, Ted, Natalie, Barney, Marshall sitting at booth)
Natalie: Well, I better run. I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.
Ted: Krav maga. How cool is it that she does Krav Maga?
Natalie: Thanks, honey. (kisses Ted)
Natalie: Bye guys.
(Natalie leaves)
Marshall: Bye.
Lily: Bye.
Barney: Take it easy.
Marshall: Dude, what's Krav Maga?
Ted: I have no idea. Some kind of yoga?
Barney: Yeah, that Natalie, she's good times.
Marshall: She's like the best girl you've dated in years.
Lily: Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one.
Ted: Yeah, I have to break up with her.
(return from commercial break)
Marshall: I don't get it, man, Natalie's awesome.
Ted: I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her.
Lily: (hitting Ted once for each syllable) Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone?
Ted: I know, I hate this. These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love with her but I'm not feeling that thing. It's ineffable.
Marshall: Ineffable, good word. So when are you going to do it?
Barney: She's probably on the subway by now. You can call her voicemail. Beep. Dumped. Click. Done.
Ted: I have to do this face to face. I just, I don't know what to say.
Marshall: I'm not ready for a commitment.
Lily: Ah, that's such a cliché.
Marshall: It's not a cliché. It's a classic. It's the Stairway to heaven of break-up lines.
Lily: Well, I think Natalie deserves better.
Marshall: Better. There's no better in breaking up. There's only less awful. A cliché is a cliché for a reason. It's comforting.
Ted: It doesn't matter. I already told her I am ready for a commitment. Oh my God, there's no way out, I'm gonna have to marry her.
Marshall: No, no, we're going to get you out of this. How about ... it's not you, it's me.
Barney: Six words.
(Barney counting with his fingers)
Barney: You look fat in those jeans. You're free to go.
Lily: Ted, have you considered telling her the truth?
(Barney and Marshall laugh)
Barney: Seriously, honey, men are working here.
Lily: Ted, what is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her?
Ted: The truth? She's not The One.
Lily: So, tell her that.
Marshall: Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible.
Lily: Why? What is so horrible about that?
Ted: Yeah, what is so horrible about that, that she's not The One? Why is that such a heartbreaking thing to hear? The chances of one person being another person's The One are like 6 billion to one.
Lily: Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.
Ted: Exactly. You wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery.
Marshall: All right, man. Tell her the truth. She's gonna cry.
Lily: And he's gonna sit there and he's gonna take it like a man.
Ted: I have to do the mature thing.
(Robin walks up to their booth)
Robin: Wanna talk mature? I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.
Barney: And great TV was had by all. All right, Scherbatsky, new challenge. And this one's big, but so is the cash reward. For $1000, you heard me, all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these...
(Barney does Ickey shuffle, a sort of touchdown dance)
Robin: What the hell is that?
Lily, Ted, Marshall (in unison): The Ickey shuffle.
Barney: Then, as you do it, you say this (Barney does Ickey shuffle while saying...), 'Elbert "Ickey" Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1525 rushing yards and 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. So Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse.'
Robin: Just write it down for me. What do I care? It's not like anyone's watching anyway, right?
(Robin sits down)
Ted: Man, she's gonna cry.
(Lily puts arm around Ted)
Lily: Sloth love chunk.
Ted: Thanks Lily.
INT. RESTAURANT
(Ted and Natalie sitting at table, on date)
Future Ted V.O.: So the next night I took Natalie out to dinner to do the mature thing.
Ted: Look, uh Natalie, there's something I have to say.
Natalie: Oh, wait wait, there's something I have to say first. At work today, I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes. So, tonight, can we just skip the cake?
Ted: Today's your birthday?
Natalie: Yeah. No, it's OK, I wasn't telling anyone about it.
Ted: Today's your birthday! I...I didn't get you anything.
Natalie: Oh, it's OK. You know, you've already given me the best present of all: I can trust again.
Ted: You're welcome.
(Ted down wine in glass and grabs waiter with both hands)
Ted (to waiter): Oh so much more wine.
METRO NEWS 1 NEWSCAST
(Robin interviewing hansom cab driver)
Robin: Henry, as New York's oldest hansom cab driver, you've seen quite a lot.
(see Robin's newscast in TV)
Robin: In your past 60 years on the job, what is your most exciting memory?
Henry: Well...
INT. BAR
Barney: Ah, this is it.
Lily: Oh boy, here we go.
Barney: Everyone, everyone, if I may direct your attention to the television, you are about to see something amazing.
(cut to TV)
Henry: ...and then in '72, Mickey Mantle rode in my cab for the fourth time.
(cut to bar)
Barney: Come on, baby, bring it home.
(cut to TV)
Henry: But the most exciting moment? That would have to be this one, right now.
Robin: What?
Henry: Look at me, I'm on TV. I never thought I'd have my story told. Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky. Thank you.
Future Ted V.O.: And right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was.
Robin: It's an honor to tell your story, Henry. You know, Metro News 1 may not be #1 in viewership, but this reporter takes pride in...whoa!
(Robin falls off hansom cab with a splash)
Robin: Oh my God, I'm covered in horse crap. And it's in my hair! Oh my, Ow, my knee. Ow ow ow
Marshall: Planned that?
Barney: No, Marshall, that was beyond my wildest dreams.
(cut to Ted and Natalie's date)
Natalie: So, if you ever come to Alabama, my mom throws these huge crawfish boils and she's dying to meet you, by the way.
Ted: Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say and there's no good way to say it. I want to break up. I don't think you're The One for me. I don't want to waste your time because I really like you. I wanna do right by you and I think the best way for me to do that is to be honest. I'm sorry.
(Natalie puts her hand over her face)
Ted: Just let it out. They're only tears.
(Natalie throws spaghetti at Ted's shirt)
Ted: Ah!
Natalie: I'm not the one for you!
Ted: I'm sorry, I just, I thought the mature thing to do would be...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know. I didn't realize ...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me that I'm not the one for you.
Ted: It's really not a big deal. I mean, the odds, it's like you lost the lottery.
Natalie: Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery.
Ted: No, no no, I didn't mean that.
Natalie: OK, so what's the problem?
Ted: I, I, I can't explain it.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: It's ineffable
Natalie: I'm not effable?
Ted: Ineffable. Ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: Oh so I'm stupid?
Ted: Oh, God, what's going on?
Natalie: What's going on is you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday, waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again only so that you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No, it's not like that. It's, it's, it's ...
Natalie: What?!
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted V.O.: Remember when Natalie said
(flashback to Natalie saying)
Natalie: "I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour"?
(cut back to Ted and Natalie's date)
Future Ted V.O.: Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army.
(Natalie kicks Ted down to the ground) INT. BAR
(Barney, Robin, Lily, Marshall sitting at booth. Waitress comes over with drink for Robin)
Waitress: This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar.
(Two guys lift their drinks to Robin)
Guy #1: My knee!
Guy #2: It's in my hair!
(Robin puts her face in her hands)
Barney: But isn't it nice to know that people are watching?
(Ted walks into bar with shirt torn up)
Marshall: Oh my God. Are you all right?
Lily: What happened to you?
Ted: I told the truth, and it turns out that the truth has a mean roundhouse kick.
Marshall: Oh, man.
Lily: Oh, you did the right thing. I'm proud of you.
Ted: I'm bleeding internally.
Barney: Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune. You missed something so amazing.
Robin: Please, can we just have one person in this bar who didn't see it?
Barney: Fine.
Lily: Are you OK?
Ted: I thought I was doing it the good way this time. I guess there is no good way. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back, flailing around in a big pile of horse crap.
Robin: You saw it.
Ted: My phone gets the Internet now.
Ted: It's OK, Scherbatsky
(snapshots of Natalie memories being erased)
Future Ted V.O.: And that's how it ended with Natalie. No happily ever after, just a whole lot of hurt. And just like that, all those wonderful memories were replaced by this one.
(Natalie beating down on Ted)
Future Ted V.O.: But you know, bad as that night was, within a year, Natalie was married. Now she has three beautiful children. So that's the upside of hurt. Sometimes it happens for a reason
INT. LIVING ROOM YEAR 2030
(Son and Daughter sitting on couch)
Son: Wow. So you got beat up by a girl?
Future Ted: Is that all you're taking away from this story?
Son: You got beat up by a girl.
Future Ted: Hey, she knew Krav Maga.