How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
1x05: Okay Awesome
Original Airdate: 10/17/2005
Written by: Chris Harris
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
YEAR 2030, GIRL AND BOY SITTING ON COUCH
Future Ted: So, kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf?
Son: Why does he even ask?
Daughter: I know, he's just gonna tell us anyway.
Future Ted: I sure am. It all began when Robin strolled into the bar and said...
INT. BAR
(Ted and Barney sitting at table, Robin enters bar)
Robin: Say you're my bitch. (pointing to Ted)
Ted: I'm your bitch. Why this time?
Robin: Because tonight I'm getting us all into Okay.
Barney: Okay! Awesome!
Ted: What's going on? Did I just have a stroke?
Barney: Okay is the name of a club. Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive. This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, couldn't get in.
(Robin sits down at table)
Ted: A friend of yours named you.
Barney: No, a friend of mine named shut up.
Robin: Yeah, well, the owner goes to my gym. It turns out that he's a fan of my reporting for Metro News 1. So now I'm on the list for tonight.
Ted: Nice going, Scherbatsky. You're becoming a long and difficult-to-spell household name.
Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Barney: He just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean.
Robin: All right, what does VIP stand for in your little universe?
Barney: Well, I know that the 'p' is penis.
Robin: Great. So, you guys are in. Should I invite Marshall and Lily?
(Ted and Barney laugh)
Future Ted V.O.: Why was this funny? I'll explain.
(picture of Lily and her kindergarten class)
You see, Lily was a kindergarten teacher, and so, one fateful naptime...
INT. KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM
(Lily and Clare sitting around desk)
Claire: Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming little bed and breakfast. It was so nice. What did you do this weekend?
(flashback to Lily chugging beer at bar) Barney, Ted: Chug, chug, come on, chug, chug!
Marshall: 10 seconds!
Lily: Suck it, losers!
(Lily burps loudly)
(cut back to Lily and Claire talking in classroom)
Lily: You know, quiet time with the fiancé.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily and Marshall sitting on couch talking)
Lily: I don't know, I just felt embarrassed. Claire's my age and she and her husband do all this classy, grown-up stuff. Maybe we should start doing some grown-up stuff?
Marshall: That was some pretty grown-up stuff we did this morning.
Lily: Yeah, but it wasn't classy. Maybe we should have a wine-tasting party.
Marshall: I like wine. I like tasting. You know I can party. Let's do it, let's rock it, maturity style.
(Lily kisses Marshall on cheek)
INT. BAR
Ted: And ever since then, she's been signing him up for book clubs, cooking classes.
Barney: All the things you do when you know where your next thousand lays are coming from.
Ted: So, no, Lily and Marshall will not be joining us.
Robin: Got it. Anyway, Ted, part two of my story. My friend, Kelly's gonna be there.
Ted: Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love.
Robin: Oh, you are gonna love Kelly. She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.
Barney: Translation: She's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.
Robin: Oh, and she's totally hot.
Ted: OK, I guess I can take her off your hands for an evening.
Barney: So, do you have any other hot single friends?
Robin: No. Kelly works at this ...
INT. APARTMENT
Lily: Oh no Ted, your blazer.
Ted: What what what
Lily: Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it. Love it!
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: (as he's entering apartment) And his hair was perfect.
Lily: We're wearing the same shirt. Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
Barney: One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?
Ted: All right, Tin Man, let's hit it.
Marshall: All right, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.
Barney: What the hell happened to these two?
Lily: Marshall and I are just growing up.
Marshall: And it's gonna be sweet too. Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool, gourmet cheeses.
Barney: Wow. Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.
Ted: All right, cool kids are leaving now. Grandma, grandpa, don't wait up.
EXT. OKAY
(Ted and Barney walk up to club)
Barney: My oh my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. All right, hook-up strategy, colon! Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.
Ted: Strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is do these strategies ever not work for me. Either way, the answer is about half the time.
(Robin walks out door of club)
Robin: My bitches!
Robin: Check this out
Robin: (to bouncer) Um, they're with me.
Nerdy Guy #2: Uh, we're her bitches too.
(Bouncer looks at him)
Nerdy Guy #2: We'll wait here.
INT. APARTMENT
Wine Tasting Guy: And with today's interest rate climate, you gotta go for the 30-year fixed mortgage.
Austin: Oh, totally.
(Austing and Wine tasting guy high-five)
Austin: So, Marshall, what about you? You guys thinking house, baby.
Marshall: Nah, I think we're gonna wait on the baby thing. I mean, I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms. But, they make you old. They're kinda like this anchor weighing you down to one spot, forever.
Claire: I'm three months pregnant.
Marshall: Not awkward, guys. Not awkward unless we let it be awkward.
(Marshall gets up and walks toward kitchen)
INT. OKAY
Ted: This place seems great. Is Kelly here?
Robin: Yeah, she's around somewhere. Uh, let's go find her. I'll introduce you guys. Then I should probably duck into the VIP room. So stupid and arbitrary, isn't it, who gets to be a VIP and who doesn't?
Ted: Can we come?
Robin: It's not that arbitrary.
Ted: Whoa, this place is loud
Barney: You think? (Robin, Ted and Barney walk up stairs and into dancing area where they're playing very loud music)
Barney: (subtitled ... because it's so loud) OK, it is a little loud.
Robin: (subtitled) There's Kelly!
(Robin drags Ted toward Kelly)
(Barney fixes shirt collar and wanders into dancing area)
(Robin taps Kelly on shoulder, Kelly turns around and they hug)
Robin: This is Ted, This is Kelly.
Ted: (subtitled) You want to go somewhere we can talk?
Kelly: (subtitled) Totally!
(Kelly drags Ted towards the center of the dance floor)
Ted: ..okay...
(Barney looks around dance floor and notices a guy leaving dancing with a girl so sneaks behind her and starts dancing with her)
INT. KITCHEN
(Marshall and Lily talking)
Marshall: Did you think it was kinda weird that Ted didn't invite me out with him?
Lily: Why? Would you rather be out in some dance club all noisy and sweaty with the duncha-duncha-duncha-duncha? Is that what you want? Duncha-duncha-duncha-duncha.
Marshall: Is this what you want? 30-year-fixed mortgage. I'm three months pregnant.
(Lily looks behind Marshall so Marshall looks behind him to notice Claire standing in doorway)
Marshall: That was awkward.
(Lily grabs two wine bottles and goes into living room)
Lily: Let's start drinking.
Wine Tasting Guy: Not to fast. In order for the tannins to mellow, we should let it breathe for about 30 minutes.
Marshall: Freakin' tannins.
INT. OKAY
(Robin talking to VIP room bouncer)
Robin: (subtitled) Robin Scherbatsky?
(Bouncer shakes head)
Robin: (subtitled) Robin Scherbatsky!
(Bouncer shakes head and hand and crosses arms in front of chest)
(cut to Ted and Kelly dancing_
Ted: (subtitled) So, how do you know Robin? Kelly: (subtitled) Sagittarius!
Ted: (subtitled) Is that near Westchester?
Kelly: (subtitled) I would love one! Just a beer!
(Ted looks puzzled, Kelly makes drinking motion and points over to bar, Ted nods and heads over to bar)
INT. KITCHEN
(Marshall and Lily talking)
Marshall: Do you know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video, and I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.
Lily: Come on, it's not that bad. We're really starting to click with these guys. Claire and Austin just invited us to their fondue-fest next Saturday night.
Marshall: You're honestly trying to get me excited about fondue?
Lily: It's dipping stuff in hot cheese, what's not to love?
Marshall: OK, that does sound good. But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.
Lily: Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.
(Lily walks out of kitchen)
Future Ted V.O.: Marshall knew she was right. He had to stop acting like a kid. (Marshall walks into bathroom and opens window) But not tonight. Now, our apartment was on the third floor so I'm not sure if this part is actually true, but Uncle Marshall swears it happened.
(Marshall lands in alley)
Marshall: Taxi!
INT. OKAY
(Ted tries to get bartender's attention but the bar is lined with girls, Ted sneaks in front of girls and motions for two, bartender gets him two beers)
Bartender: (with his fingers and subtitled)"34"
Ted: (with his fingers and subtitled) "14"
Bartender: (with his fingers and subtitled) "34"
Ted: (with his fingers and subtitled) "7?"
Bartender: (writes on Post-it and subtitled) 34!
INT. APARTMENT
Wine Tasting Guy: The new album is great. It's all smooth and polished, not all dark and heavy like the early stuff.
Claire: Oh yeah, Nora Jones, just keeps better and better.
Lily: Please tell me we can drink the wine now.
Wine tasting guy: Five more minutes. We don't want to rush those tannins.
Lily: Freaking tannins.
INT. OKAY
(Ted walks over to Kelly with beers and gives her one)
Ted: (subtitled) You really like this place?
(Kelly smiles and nods)
Ted: (subtitled) You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
(Kelly smiles and nods)
Ted: (subtitled) I'm from outer space!
(Kelly smiles and nods)
Ted: (subtitled) I got thrown out of Sea World for humping a dolphin!
(Music suddenly stops)
Ted: I'm wetting my pants!
(Kelly looks down at Ted's pants and walks away while Ted tries to explain, Kelly starts dancind with someone else)
Future Ted V.O.: I think that's when I realized that clubs weren't awesome. Clubs weren't even OK. Clubs sucked. I had to get out of there.
EXT. OKAY
Marshall: Hey, Robin.
Robin: Hey.
Marshall: Why aren't you inside?
Robin: Calling the owner. There's a guy in there who won't let me into the stupid VIP room. What are you doing here?
Marshall: Oh, I had this move so I came here to bust it. Can you get me in?
(Robin motions to bouncer to let Marshall in who lets him in)
Robin: Great, voicemail.
Marshall: Thanks, I'll see ya.
Robin: Bye.
Nerdy Guy #3: Oh, come on, he just got here.
Nerdy Guy #1: Probably famous.
Nerdy Guy #2: Oh yeah, isn't there a third Affleck brother? Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something.
Nerdy Guy #3: Holy crap, we just saw Brian Affleck!
(Nerdy Guy #2 and Nerdy Guy #3 high-five)
Robin: (on phone) ...and it's not like I care so much about getting into the VIP room. I have been in tons of VIP rooms. Not exactly a VIP room virgin. Seriously, call me back.
(Another bouncer comes to relieve the first bouncer)
Robin: Oh, um, I was just in there. Robin Scherbatsky, I'm on the list.
Bouncer: Name's already crossed off, sorry.
Robin: But I'm Robin Scherbatsky. I'm a reporter for channel 1.
Bouncer: There's a channel one? Back of the line.
Nerdy Guy #3: Shoulda snuck in with Brian Affleck.
INT. OKAY
Ted: (subtitled) I'm bailing. See ya
Barney: (subtitled) Oh hey, I can't see her face. Is she hot?
(Ted dances around so he can see girl's face)
Dancing girl: (subtitled) Hi.
(Ted dances back to Barney)
Ted: (subtitled) Nice eyes. Cute smile. Out of your league. (gives two thumbs up)
(Barney gives two thumbs up and returns to dancing with girl)
(Ted goes down the stairs and is about to hand coat check ticket when Marshall sees him)
Marshall: Coat wench, do not uncheck that man's jacket. Sorry, just being dramatic. You're not a coat wench.
Coat check girl: No no no, coat wench, I like it. I should get a sign made up.
Ted: What are you doing here? Lily let you go?
Marshall: Lily? Pfft. Who cares, right?
Ted: You are so dead.
Marshall: Oh, I am so dead.
Ted: I'm going home.
Marshall: I put my ass and probably other part of my body on the line to come down here and party with my bro. And dammit, we're gonna party.
Ted: All right, one beer.
Marshall: Yes! Finally, I don't have to wait half an hour for a drink.
(Ted and Marshall go up the stairs)
(subtitled "ONE HALF HOUR LATER...", Ted and Marshall walk away from bar with drinks)
Marshall: (subtitled) Yeah! No tannins!
Future Ted V.O.: Oh, man, I can't believe I forgot to tell you this, this is important to the story.
Earlier that day, Marshall went to the dentist and got a temporary crown put in. OK, so anyway.
Marshall: (subtitled) AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!
(Marshall pulls crown out of his mouth)
Ted: (subtitled) Come on, let's go
Marshall: (subtitled) I'm staying.
(Marshall starts dancing with hand over left side of face)
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily knocks on bathroom door)
Lily: Marshall, are you OK?
(Lily opens door to bathroom to find Marshall not there and notices window open; Lily goes out and grabs purse and closes bathroom door; Lily grabs phone out of purse and dials; screen splits to show Marshall picking up his phone; Lily gets angry and hangs up phone; looks at window)
Future Ted V.O.: Again, I wasn't there, so I'm a little foggy on the details.
(Lily lands in alley)
Lily: Taxi!
EXT. OKAY
(Lily walks up to club and sees Robin sitting on the curb)
Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Can you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in.
(Lily sits down next to Robin) Robin: I'm such a dork. I get recognized one time and I starting thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP. I'm not even an IP. I'm just a lowly little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
(Lily looks puzzled as she realizes what she said; Robin and Lily laugh)
INT. OKAY
Ted: There's Barney. I'm leaving.
(Marshall dances over to where Barney is dancing with the same girl)
(Marshall taps him on shoulder and he turns around) (Loud music has spaces with no sound so Marshall talks fast when it's quiet)
Marshall: I broke my tooth. Do you have... any aspirin?
(Barney shakes head)
Barney: Maybe there's.... a machine in ... the restroom?
(Marshall walks over to bathroom)
Future Ted VO: Now, to this day, I don't know what happened in there but when Marshall came out a few minutes later...
(Marshall walks out of bathroom looking very happy)
(Ted walks down the stairs and gives coat check girl his ticket)
Coat check girl: Rough night?
Ted: Yeah. These clubs are supposed to be fun, right? Why do I hate them so much?
Coat check girl: Because all of the stuff that you're supposed to like usually sucks. Like these clubs. Or cruises
Ted: Or New Years Eve.
Coat check girl: Or the Super Bowl
Ted: Or parades
Coat check girl: The rockettes
Ted: Or parades
Coat check girl: You said that already.
Ted: I really hate parades.
Coat check girl: Okay.
EXT. OKAY
Lily: He just left in the middle of our own party. You don't do that. Unless of course you're chasing after somebody who's already done it and then I think it's OK.
Robin: Well, I hate to take his side. But come on, a wine tasting? What's the big plan for next Saturday? Scrabble night?
Lily: Don't check your email.
Robin: Why are you becoming this person? I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.
Lily: Once on a dare. The other times were just for fun.
Lily: I'm not in college anymore. I'd love to go back and be that person again. But, you can't move backwards. You can only go forward.
Robin: Um, false. You go wherever you want. I guess the question is where do you want to go.
Lily: I want to go into this club and find my fiancé.
Robin: Well, that you can't do.
Lily: You wanna bet.
Lily: Follow my lead.
(gets up and walks over to bouncer)
Lily: Hey, big guy.
(flashes bouncer, three nerdy guys stand there with mouths agape)
Lily: I said follow my lead.
Nerdy Guys: Do it. Come one. Please. Follow her lead. She did it. You have to follow.
(Robin also flashes bouncer; bouncer lets both of them in)
Nerdy Guy #2: Those were the four greatest and only breasts I've ever seen.
INT. OKAY
(Robin and Lily walk by coat check area)
Coat check girl: Yeah, see, if everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not.
Ted: Right, so by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date ...
Coat check girl: Then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.
Ted: right. The DMV it is.
Coat check girl: Then we'll get our teeth clean.
Ted: Sounds awful, it's a date.
Coat check girl: Okay.
Ted: But there's still one big question that needs to be answered.
(Coat check girl looks at Ted quizzingly)
Ted: How many of these coats do you think I can put on all at once?
(Robin and Lily are in dancing area; Lily motions to Robin to go look in a different area; camera pans out to show Marshall dancing alone in center of dance floor with everyone standing around him in a circle with Lily watching also; Marshall sees Lily and stops mid-dance; Lily smiles at Marshall)
INT. APARTMENT
Wine Tasting Guy: OK, for the wedge.
INT. OKAY
(Barney and Girl dancing; Girl turns around to see Barney)
Dancing girl: Barney??
(Girls pushes Barney away; Barney looks horrified and runs out of dancing area and down the stairs)
Ted: Barney?
Barney: Ted. Get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What? What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin, Leslie.
Ted: What?
Barney: No, no, no, we are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like hey, remember that time when you were grinding with...no. And you know why. Because, Italics. This night did not happen. And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another living soul what transpired here tonight. You promise. Promise.
Ted: All right, I promise. Let's get Marshall and go.
Ted: (to coat check girl) Hey, thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon?
Ted: Hey, tip her, Barney.
Barney: Why? I didn't check a coat. And even if I did, on principle, tip jars have become so...
Ted: Funny story, Barney was grinding with this girl all night...
Barney: Fine.
Ted: That's a handy new trick.
(Barney and Ted run up the stairs; they see Marshall and Lily dancing together and kissing; Robin joins them)
Future Ted VO: So, Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth. It was nice. And then it got icky.
Barney, Ted, Robin: (subtitled) Eww.
INT. CAB
(Marshall, Lily and Ted sit in back seat with Lily sleeping with her head on Marshall's shoulder; Barney is sitting up front with driver)
Ted: (talking loudly) I'm really glad you guys came out tonight.
Marshall: (talking loudly) You know, dude, can I just say something? It kinda hurt that you guys didn't invite me out. I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged. But it would have been nice to be asked.
Ted: (loudly)I'm sorry. I just assumed you had other plans.
Barney: (talking loudly over Ted) They played some good songs tonight.
Ted: (loudly) I mean, lately
Marshall: (interrupting) I know, I know, it's just, like suddenly we're living in two different worlds. Maybe you've got more in common with Barney?
Barney: What?
Ted: Are you crazy? You think I like going to those clubs? I'd so much rather go to your fruity little wine tasting.
Lily: (gets up suddenly) Oh my God, I'm gonna barf. Where's my purse? (settles back down on Marshall's shoulder)
Ted: The problem is you can't do any of that couple stuff unless you have someone to do it with. And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out and doing stupid single stuff with Barney.
Barney: What?
Ted: But man, when I find her, we're gonna have some bad-ass wine tastings.
Marshall: It's a plan. Hey, maybe it'll be that cute coat check girl.
Ted: Yeah, maybe it will be.
Future Ted VO: It wasn't.
Marshall: You know, Ted, I don't say this nearly enough but I really value
Barney: (talking loudly over Marshall) Hey, that place has great salads.
(Lily puts her head on Ted's shoulder; Ted and Marshall smile at each other; Barney dances by himself in the front)