How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
2x01: Where Were We?
Original Airdate: 9/18/2006
Written by: Carter Bays & Craig Thomas
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
YEAR 2030, GIRL AND BOY SITTING ON COUCH
Future Ted: OK, where were we? It was June of 2006 and life had just taken an unexpected turn.
Daughter: Dad, can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom? I feel like you've been talking for like a year.
Future Ted: Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. It's all part of the story.
Son: Can I go to the bathroom? Future Ted: No. The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful.
(flashback to Ted rushing through Robin's front door to kiss Robin)
Future Ted VO: For me, it started out great. In fact, day one was amazing. I'd finally gotten together with Robin.
(Ted in cab smiling, gets out and sees Marshall sitting sadly on front steps, Marshall holds up engagement ring, Ted sits down by Marshall)
Future Ted VO: But while I'd been off having one of the best nights of my life, your Uncle Marshall was having one of the worst of his.
(flashback to Marshall and Lily breaking up)
Marshall: So, that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and, and figure out who I am outside of us. The only way I can do that is if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, OK? You walk out that door, and we're done. You're never gonna hear my voice again.
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall and Ted sitting on couch)
Marshall: I should call her.
Ted: No, no.
(Ted jumps up and takes phone away from Marshall's reach)
Marshall: Ted, please.
Ted: If you call her when she asked you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Now listen, whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.
(knock on door, Robin walks in)
Robin: Hey, so did you hear the big news?!
Ted: You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up and Lily's gone and nothing else even remotely important happened last night. Yeah, I think he knows.
Robin: Oh my God, I'm so sorry, what happened?
Marshall: Well, she left and I don't even know if she's coming back.
(Barney walks through front door)
Barney: I didn't get your message until I woke up. Bro, I am so sorry.
Marshall: Thanks.
Barney: I know, it must be tough. But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you?
Marshall: Sure.
Barney: For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I have dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be legendary. Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sun roof shouting 'what's up New York,' we will be what is up New York. Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...
(Barney looks back and forth at Ted and Robin)
Barney: Ah, man, you guys did it, didn't you?
OPENING CREDITS
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin walks up to Ted sitting at his drafting table and they kiss)
Future Ted VO: One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning
(flashback to Lily leaving apartment with her luggage)
Future Ted VO: and love is ending, the first 30 days are remarkably similar. For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed.
(subtitled 'day 1,' Ted and Robin in bed)
(subtitled 'day 1,' Marshall groaning in bed)
Future Ted VO: Your friends can't stand to listen to you.
(subtitled 'day 8,' at bar, Ted and Robin kissing and tickling each other in front of Barney, Barney pretends to shoot self in mouth and die)
(subtitled 'day 16,' at bar, Marshall talks about Lily and looks like he's about to cry, Barney pretends to hang self
Marshall: It was a really beautiful song...so stupid now...
Future Ted VO: And you never seem to wear pants.
(Robin sneaks out of Ted's bedroom with only shirt and runs towards bathroom with Marshall sitting on couch in his boxers)
INT. APARTMENT
(subtitled 'day 22,' Ted walks out of his bedroom, Marshall is sitting on couch)
Ted: Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Hey, Ted.
Ted: You hungry?
Marshall: What's the point. I could eat some food, it's just gonna leave me.
Ted: Well, at least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping. Come on, it's Sunday, pancakes day.
Marshall: Lily always made the pancakes. God, I loved her pancakes. So soft. So warm. So perfectly shaped.
Ted: Are we still talking about her pancakes? Come on, you gotta eat something. What can I get you?
Marshall: Beer.
Ted: No, that's what you had for dinner.
Marshall: Fine, then I'll just have leftovers.
(pulls out beer from crack of the couch)
INT. BAR
(Barney, Ted and Robin sitting at booth)
Barney: So he stays home all the time, not getting laid. No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancé. He should be here celebrating. He's free. He got that red-headed tumor removed.
Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do, he needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.
Ted: It's only been a month. He just needs to go at his own pace. Anyway, Lily's the one who caused this whole mess.
Robin: Hey, give her some slack. She's our friend too. She's just trying to figure out who she is.
Ted: Figure out who she is? Yeah, she should call me, I have a whole list. She's selfish, she's immature, she's...
Robin: What?
Ted: God, your eyes are so blue.
Robin: Teddy bear.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
Barney: Shing.
(Barney pretends to perform hara-kiri, Ted looks at him, goes back to kissing Robin)
Future Ted VO: Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad. I was dating the woman of my dreams. Things were going great. Well for the most part.
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin and Ted sitting on couch, watching TV with lights very low, Marshall walks into living room area from bathroom area)
Marshall: So I found her shampoo. I guess she left it her Smells like her. (smells shampoo bottle top) Like lavender, sea shells, hope. (smells shampoo again) Somehow erotic and comforting, all at the same time.
Robin: That's my shampoo.
Marshall: Sorry.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted and Robin kissing on his bed)
Robin: I thought he'd never go to sleep.
Ted: Uh-oh.
Robin: Already?
Ted: He's calling her.
Robin: I don't hear anything.
(Ted runs out of his room)
Ted: He's calling her!
(Ted tackles Marshall holding the phone)
Marshall: OK, you're right, I won't call her. I will not call her.
INT. BATHROOM
(subtitled 'day 34,' Marshall walks in while Ted and Robin are in shower together)
Marshall: Well, I called her. And get this, she changed her number. Well, like I'm gonna stalk her or something. Like she's so special. Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there. Cuz there are four others in the San Francisco alone and they all seem a lot better than her based on the brief conversation I had with them.
Robin: Does he know I'm here?
Marshall: Yeah, hey, Robin.
Marshall: Anyway, one of the Lily Aldrins...
INT. BAR
(Barney, Robin and Ted sitting at booth)
Robin: This has to stop. Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast and yet somehow we have a baby. He can't feed himself. He cries a lot. He keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breastfeeding? Nailed it!
Ted: They were together nine years. It's only been a month and a half He just needs to go at his own pace.
Robin: He slept on our floor last night.
Ted: He watched a scary movie.
Robin: It is time for some tough love. We need to get him out of that apartment. He needs fresh air. He needs sunshine.
Barney: Mm, Sunshine.
INT. STRIP CLUB
(Girl walks out onto stage, subtitled 'day 41,' Barney and Marshall sitting by stage)
Announcer: Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Sunshine!
Marshall: Barney, I really don't think this is gonna help.
Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's cuz you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or bpegs, and your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's.
Marshall: There are a lot of them.
Barney: Well, They won't go away until you override them with images of other women's boobs. Now this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight, my friend, two at a time. Those count as four.
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM
(subtitled, 'day 44,' Ted and Marshall sitting in seats)
Ted: Yeah, this is fun, right? We're outside. It's a beautiful day. The Indians are winning.
Marshall: I gotta admit,it is really nice to be outside
Announcer: Yankee fans, please turn your attention to the diamond vision for a special 7th inning stretch surprise.
(guy on big screen getting down on knee to propose to girl)
Ted: Oh no.
(big screen shows girl nodding her head, guy and girl hug, the words 'Congrats Chris & Hilary!' flash on screen)
(Marshall throws his hot dog at newly engaged couple)
(big screen shows guy and girl surprised by hot dog thrown at them)
Marshall: It's all a big lie! She's just gonna break your heart! OH, you don't know my pain.
Crowd: Boo.
(big screen shows Marshall yelling and security guys taking him away)
Marshall: She has no soul!
INT. BAR
(subtitled 'day 46,' Ted, Robin and Barney sitting at table)
Ted: We tried everything. Baseball. Strippers. The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. I think he's beyond repair.
Robin: See, this is the problems with guys. You don't know how to deal with heartbreak.
Barney: Oh, and what's your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love Actually till your periods sync up.
(Barney and Ted laugh, Robin crosses arms in front of her chest)
INT. GUN RANGE
(Robin shooting with Marshall standing behind her)
Robin: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Marshall: Oh my God, how long have you been doing this?
Robin: My dad taught me shoot when I was a kid. Whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here and it reminds me that, guns are fun.
Marshall: Uh, you know, Ted is kinda against guns.
Robin: And that's why Ted is never gonna find out about this. Whoa, that sounded kinda scary with me holding a gun, didn't it? No, I just mean please don't tell Ted. You wanna try?
Marshall: Only hell yeah!
(Marshall holds gun)
Marshall: Oh yeah, this is what I needed. I felt so powerless this whole time, but this, this is power. This is...
(Marshall shoots gun and gets hit on head with gun as it recoils and falls to ground)
Robin: Shoulda mentioned the recoil.
INT. BAR
(Ted and Robin at bar)
Ted: Gotta hand it to you, when he got home, Marshall was smiling. Did you sleep with him? Because I was actually like three days from suggesting that.
Robin: Sometimes all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side.
(cut to Marshall shooting gun and laughing) (cut back to Ted and Robin at bar)
Ted: Well, congratulations, you're the first person to cheer him up all summer. You win.
Robin: What do I win?
Ted: I'll tell you what you win. I'm taking you away this weekend.
Robin: You are? That's so nice.
Ted: Yeah, My aunt and uncle have a beach house out in Mantauk. It's really romantic. My uncle's had like three affairs there.
Robin: Wow, must be a nice house, I've seen pictures of your uncle. This is gonna be so great. Finally get some time alone. Are you sure Marshall's gonna be OK with this?
INT. APARTMENT
(subtitled 'day 55,' Marshall and Ted talking)
Marshall: Yeah, absolutely. Dude, I'm doing much better. In fact, take my car.
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Hey, thanks. And, hey, if you need anything, day or night, just call me. You know what? Please don't call me. What. What's wrong?
Marshall: It's Lily's credit card bill. She must have forgotten to switch her address.
Ted: So?
Marshall: So, I wonder what kind of charges she's making out there in San Francisco.
Ted: No, no good can come from looking at this. You've made too much progress already.
Marshall: I know, I just...
Ted: No, You're gonna thank me for this.
(Ted rips up credit card bill, Ted takes trash out)
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.
INT. BAR
(Marshall holding taped, wrinkled paper, subtitled 'day 56,' pan up to see Marshall sitting in booth with Barney, Ted and Robin)
Marshall: August 5th, one charge, tickets to, what? George Clinton and the P Funk All Stars.
August 10th, one charge, Tennis Emporium. August 18th, two charges. Mario's Bistro and get this, Pet Palace. You guys see what this means, right?
INT. RESTAURANT
(Lily sitting at table)
Lily: Wow, Mario's bistro, what a perfect place to whore around.
(George Clinton sitting at table across from Lily)
George Clinton: Only the best for my little Lilypad.
Lily: Oh, funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert and dragged me onstage to dance with you Courteney Cox-style.
George Clinton: And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me.
Lily: Aw. You know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years, but I didn't do it because I never truly loved him.
George Clinton: I got you a gift.
(George Clinton leans over and comes back up with a ferret)
Lily: A ferret! Oh, I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. I've always wanted one, but Marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets.
George Clinton: I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody.
Lily: It was! Ah, I love you funk legend, George Clinton.
George Clinton: I love you too Lily.
(George Clinton looks into camera)
That's right Marshall, she's all mine. Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.
(Lily starts to play with George Clinton's hair)
INT. BAR
Ted: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
(Ted takes paper away from Marshall)
Robin: Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets? They're adorable.
Marshall: Because, Robin, they're like fuzzy tube-shaped rats.
Barney: Plus those charges are from like a month ago.
Ted: Exactly.
Barney: For new charges, you'd have to go to her online account. You could see credit card activity from like two hours ago. But, you know, don't.
(Marshall gets up and runs out of bar)
Ted: Why do you talk? Why do you talk?!
(Ted, Barney and Robin follow after Marshall)
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall at laptop; Ted, Robin and Barney come in through front door)
Barney: He needs her password. It's not like he has her password. This is good, he has her password.
Marshall: There's a charge from earlier today: the Kellet Hotel on 5th. I can't believe this, Lily's back in New York.
(back from commercial break)
(Marshall and Barney sitting at table, Ted and Robin walk out of Ted's bedroom with some luggage)
Marshall: I can't believe this. Lily's in New York? I guess I've been thinking when she got back, she'd call me. That's really the only reason I've been able to hold it together so far this summer.
Robin: This has been holding it together?
Marshall: OK, you know what? I'm calling her.
(Marshall gets up and walks over to phone, Ted gets to phone before Marshall and keeps it from him)
Ted: No no no no no, you're not calling her. This changes nothing. (to Barney) You come here.
(Ted, Robin and Barney go into kitchen)
Ted: Look, while we're away this weekend, you keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't call that hotel.
Barney: You want me to babysit him? $20...an hour...and money for pizza.
Ted: Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free or every time we hang out we do this.
Ted (baby talk to Robin): Come here, my little blue-eye...
Robin: Ooh, sugar, sugar...
(Robin comes over and they start kissing)
Barney: OK, I'll do it. Stop being a couple.
Robin: Marshall.
Ted: Marshall, Marshall!
(Ted runs into living room, Marshall is on phone)
(Marshall and Ted talk at same time)
Marshall: Ted, I know I shouldn't do this but I have to. We've been together for nine year
Ted: you've worked so hard for
(Marshall puts up finger, both stop talking at same time)
Marshall: Hello, Lily Aldrin's room please. Thank you.
(Marshall and Ted talk at same time)
Ted: Hang up now. Hang up now. Hang up now. Hang up now.
Marshall: Ted, I can't hang up now, the missiles are manned. I know that you don't
(Marshall puts up finger, both stop talking)
Marshall: Hello.
(Marshall hangs up phone)
Marshall: A guy answered. There's a guy in her room. I'm going down there.
(Marshall walks toward front door)
Barney: Dude, you can't...
Robin: No.
Marshall: I have to go down there and I have to tell her I love her. I have to beg her to take me back even if I have to get down on my knees.
Robin: Marshall, you can't do that.
Marshall: Really? Why not?
Future Ted VO: 56 days, that's how long it took me to get right about here.
Ted: Because you're pathetic!
Ted: I'm sorry, but right now, you are not Marshall. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall, and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line? Marshall. The real Marshall.
But if you go down there right now like this, you're going to blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say you're just gonna do the opposite. Have a great weekend. Good luck screwing up your life. Come on, Robin.
Ted: Is it still OK if we borrow your car? Barney: Bold. Bold to go for the car.
INT. FIERO
(Ted driving, Robin sitting in passenger seat)
Ted: What? Robin: I didn't say a thing.
Ted: You think I was too hard on him.
Robin: I didn't say a thing.
Ted: I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him. You're the one who said tough love.
Robin: Yeah, tough love, not hand the guy a noose.
Ted: Oh but it's OK to hand him a 9 mm. Yeah, he told me.
(back from commercial break)
Ted: So you're a gun nut.
Robin: No, I'm a gun enthusiast.
(Robin and Ted talking at same time)
Ted: You know how many people are killed...
Robin: The second amendment gives us the right to bear arms...
Ted: All right, all right. I was too hard on him.
Robin: A little.
Ted: I'm gonna call Barney to see how they're doing.
(Ted makes phone call)
(Barney answers phone, he's at strip club and girl is dancing over him)
Barney: Go for Barney.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Uh, hey, where are you guys?
(Barney on phone)
Barney: We're at a fundraiser helping young women raise money for community college.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Strip club, nice.
(Barney on phone)
Ted: Is Marshall OK? Barney: He's here and he's great. Hang on.
(Barney goes to give phone to person in chair next to him but chair is empty)
Barney: Marshall, tell Ted that...
(Barney puts phone back to ear)
Barney: Uh-oh.
Stripper: Already?
(Ted on phone)
Ted: What, what uh-oh?
(Barney on phone)
Barney: He's gone.
Ted: You lost him?
(Ted on phone)
Ted: I can't believe this. He's gonna go down to that hotel.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: Crap, you're right. OK, OK, here's the plan, here's the plan. You go down to the hotel and find him, I'll stay here and get a lap dance. On three. 1, 2...
(Ted on phone, Ted hangs up)
Ted: Barney!
Robin: Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place? Ted: A really nice one.
INT. HOTEL REGISTRATION DESK
Ted: (to person at registration desk) Do you know what room Lily Aldrin's in.
(Ted sees Marshall at hotel bar, Ted walks over to Marshall)
Ted: Marshall, hey. What happened? Marshall: Well, I went up to Lily's floor,
(flashback to Marshall walking up to hotel room 702)
Marshall: and I had this little speech in my head, everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer about love, loyalty, respect. I knocked on the door.
(Marshall knocks door, guy opens door, Marshall punches him in the face)
(cut to Ted and Marshall in hotel bar)
Ted: So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend?
Marshall: Yeah, it wasn't Lily's boyfriend.
Ted: What? Who was it?
(cut to mug photo of guy Marshall just punched)
Future Ted VO: His name was Joey Adalian, although he went by a number of aliases in his years as an identity thief. Apparently earlier this summer...
INT. THE COFFEE HOUSE
(Lily in front of line)
Lily: Oh, this is so embarrassing. I could have sworn I had some change.
(Lily fumbles around in her purse)
Lily: (to people behind her in line) I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Lily: (to guy behind counter) Oh, here we go. No, that's a button.
Lily: (to people behind her in line) It was a button.
Lily: (to guy behind counter) Do you, uh, take credit cards?
Joey: Yes I do.
INT. HOTEL BAR
Ted: So, Lily's not back in town, and she doesn't have a boyfriend. That's good news, right?
Marshall: Yeah. I don't know. Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her. I don't know where she is or what she's doing. She was my whole life, man, and now she's gone.
Ted: You know, the first day at college, I showed up. I was so freaked out and I got up to my room and there was my roommate, lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. He had headphones on, big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap. Happy. Confident. Not afraid of anything. That guy was you. You before you met Lily.
Marshall: Ted.
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: I was high that day. I was. I was so high I thought you were the dean.
Ted: What I'm saying is that there's a version of you without Lily, and it's not this. You can't let Lily steal your identity the way that guy stole hers.
Marshall: OK. OK. Resolved. Starting tomorrow I'm gonna start being OK.
Marshall: Cheers.
Ted: Cheers.
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall sitting on couch in his boxers, subtitled 'day 57'
Future Ted VO: But he wasn't. 'Cause that's not how life works. The next day he found one of her socks or something and we were back to square one.
(Marshall smells sock)
Future Ted VO: And then one morning...
(subtitled 'day 67,' Robin walks out of Ted's bedroom into living room area)
Robin: Ted, I think you should see this.
Ted: Oh, what now?
(Ted sees Marshall putting pancakes on plates on table)
Ted: Marshall, what are you doing?
Marshall: It's Sunday. It's pancakes day.
Future Ted VO: It took him 67 days and one really disgusting batch of pancakes.
Robin: Mm, so good.
Future Ted VO: But Marshall had come back from the dead. Because, while baseball, strippers and guns can help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time.
INT. BAR
(Barney, Ted, Robin and Marshall laughing around a table; camera pans up to window by front door to show Lily walking to the front door of bar, opening door, looking in through window, then closing it and walking away; end on scene of Barney, Ted, Robin and Marshall having good time around table)