How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
2x02: The Scorpion and the Toad
Original Airdate: 9/25/2006
Written by: Chris Harris
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
(Scenes from Marshall and Lily's past: Marshall and Lily at bar, Marshall and Lily at Thanksgiving table, Lily leaving Marshall, Marshall moping on bed)
Future Ted VO: Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years. Until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. The healing process was taking a long time. Then one night he made a giant leap forward
INT. BAR
(Barney, Robin, Ted and Marshall sitting at booth)
Robin: All right, I'll see you guys later.
Ted: I'll walk you out.
Marshall: See ya.
(Robin and Ted get up to leave, Marshall looks in their direction as they leave, Barney looks at Marshall looking at them)
Barney: You just checked out Robin's ass.
Marshall: What, no! I ... Barney, I was...
Barney: Dude, that's awesome. You're finally forgetting about that short redhead.
Marshall: Lily.
Barney: Yes, Lily, thank you. That was gonna drive me crazy all night.
(Ted sits back down at booth)
Barney: Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass.
Marshall: I did not, Ted...
Ted: That's awesome. You're finally getting better
Barney: This is the moment I've been waiting for. Starting tonight, I am gonna teach you how to live. Ted, you had your chance. You're out, Marshall's in.
Ted: Yes.
Marshall: Oh God.
Barney: Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like...What's something everybody likes?
Marshall: Candy.
Barney: Yes, it's like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. Yeah. Is Whoppers the best one?
Ted: Mounds
Barney: Milk duds.
Ted: Gob stoppers.
Barney: Um.
Future Ted VO: This went on for another hour. I'll just skip to the end.
(scene fast forwards)
Ted: Double bubbles.
Barney: Nice.
(Ted and Barney high-five)
Barney: Marshall, we're doing this. I am not taking no for an answer.
Marshall: Fine.
(Ted makes phone call)
Ted: Hey, Robin, Marshall checked out your ass.
Marshall: Ted, what is wrong with you?
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING
(Robin in hallway walking towards her apartment, on phone with Ted)
Robin: He checked out my ass? Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. Cool, see ya.
(Robin hangs up phone and turns around to see Lily in hallway)
Robin: Lily.
Lily: It is a great ass.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING
(Lily and Robin standing in hallway)
Future Ted VO: None of us had seen Lily in three months. There were so many unanswered questions, so many things to say.
Robin: Your hair is adorable.
(Robin and Lily hug)
INT. BAR
(Barney and Marshall walk towards girl at bar)
Future Ted VO: Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women for the first time since he was 17.
(Barney taps girl on shoulder)
Barney: Hi, have you met Marshall?
(Barney walks away)
Marshall: Hi. Look how sweaty my hands are. That's weird, right? Uh, sweat. Like this smelly water coming out of your skin.
(Girl looks at Marshall weird)
Marshall: It was nice meeting you.
(Marshall walks away but Barney walks back towards Girl with Marshall)
Barney: I, I, I hate to interrupt, but, uh, do you like magic?
Girl: Um, I guess.
(Barney sends spark from right hand and catches it with his left hand, opens left hand to reveal words 'ummm... I guess' written on hand)
Girl: Oh my God!
(Barney sends spark from left hand and catches it with his right hand, opens right hand to reveal words "oh my God!" written on hand)
Barney: Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. Salad in a bag, his idea.
INT. DINER
(Marshall sitting at counter with Barney)
Barney: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming. You were funny. You were totally working that girl. Marshall: You went home with her.
Barney: Yes I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me, you would have had a shot with her so in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. All right! Hypothetical high-five.
(Barney looks up with his eyes)
Barney: Nice. All right, tonight we are gonna go to the bar...
Marshall: Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again.
Barney: Come on. I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies.
Marshall: Oh really?
Barney: My favorite, #7: create a mystery about yourself; that way they become so intrigued they have to hang out with you all night.
Marshall: Oh, come on, does that really work?
Barney: Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't
Marshall: Dammit, that's intriguing. OK, I'm in.
(Barney chuckles)
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted walks over to front door to open it, Robin is standing there, Ted and Robin talk at same time)
Robin: I am so glad you're here.
Ted: You will not believe what just happened.
Robin: You go first.
Ted: I found a 1939 penny on the subway. Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy has seen.
Robin: Lily's back in town.
Ted: And you let me go first. Have you seen her?
Robin: Uh, yeah, I actually went apartment hunting with her today.
Ted: How's she doing?
Robin: You're not gonna like it.
(flashback to Robin and Lily going into an empty apartment)
Lily: I am doing great. Ah, this summer, best thing ever. San Francisco is so happening right now.
(cut back to Ted and Robin sitting on couch talking)
Ted: She's happy? Marshall had the worst summer of his life and she's happy.
(Ted stomps his foot)
Ted: And I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever.
(flashback to Robin and Lily in empty apartment)
Lily: Oh, the art program. Best thing ever.
(flashback to Lily in her art class painting at easel, professor walks up behind her and looks at her work)
Art Professor: Oh my God. This is your best work. In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so...needless to say, this is art. I can't teach you anything.
(back to Robin and Lily in empty apartment)
Lily: But the best part of SF, oh, that's what we call San Francisco. The people! Even just riding around on the bus all summer, it was like a human tapestry.
(flashback to Lily riding on bus, sitting next to different people in different scenes)
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer.
Paula: I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. Yeah.
Dan: I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way.
(back to Robin and Lily talking in empty apartment)
Robin: Wow, I'm so happy for you.
(back to Robin and Ted talking on couch)
Ted: Ah, she's such a
(Ted gets up from couch and walks toward refrigerator)
Ted: After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret.
(Robin follows him over there, Ted opens fridge and gets out beer for Robin)
Robin: You never chose sides. I respect that.
Ted: She's unbelievable, unbelievable.
(Marshall walks in front door)
Marshall: Unbelievable? What's unbelievable?
(Ted and Robin walk over to Marshall)
Ted: Uh, listen, Marshall.
Robin: Ted found a penny on the subway and it's old and that's interesting.
Marshall: Way to go.
(Marshall walks into his bedroom)
Ted: OK, first of all, that is interesting. Second, we have to tell him.
Robin: No we don't. He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. I mean, how do you think he's gonna feel when he hears Lily's moved on.
(Ted and Robin sit down at couch)
Ted: She's moved on?
Robin: It happens. I've fallen out of love faster than that before, sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. One day we're in love, the next day he's dead to me... But we're great. Honey.
(Robin and Ted clink bottles)
INT. BAR
(Barney and Marshall sitting at table)
Barney: Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. Lesson 2 corollary 5.
Marshall: Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive and she'll be putty in your hands.
Barney: Excellent. Have you chosen your entrée?
Marshall: I have. A sweet brunette, 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 10, 30, she's walking to the bar.
(Barney turns around to look at brunette girl walking toward bar)
Barney: Her? Really?
Marshall: Yeah.
Barney: No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. OK, hit it.
(Marshall gets up and walks toward brunette girl)
Marshall: What's the matter, Four-eyes, you got astigmatism or something? I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you but I just got out of a long relationship. I have no idea what I'm doing.
(Marshall kicks bar chair)
Marshall: I'm Marshall.
(Marshall and Amy shake hands)
Amy: Hi Marshall. Amy. Don't worry, I've been there. Hold on.
(Barney walks up behind Marshall)
Barney: Nice recovery, I think it's working
Marshall: Um, this is my friend, Barney. Barney, this is Amy.
Amy: Hi Barney, nice to meet you.
Barney: Hi. Amy, do you like magic?
INT. APARTMENT
(Barney and Marshall sitting on couch, Marshall has arms crossed)
Marshall: I hate you.
Barney: I am so sorry. It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here.
Marshall: Twice. Twice in a row you took my candy. That was my candy!
Barney: I know but tonight...
Marshall: No, forget it. You are such a jackass.
(Barney throws spark from left hand and catches it with his right hand, opens right hand to reveal words 'you're a jerk!' written on it)
Barney: I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. All right, I'm sorry. But I will make it up to you. Tonight we'll go to a college bar near NYU. The Scorpion and the Toad. I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly, and as a third-year law student, more smarter.
(Marshall leans forward and thinks about it)
Marshall: OK, but no magic.
(Marshall turns back towards Barney to see him gone)
Marshall: How did you do that?
(Barney peaks head around corner from bathroom)
Barney: I'm taking a leak, dumbass.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING
(Robin, Ted and Lily standing in hallway talking)
Future Ted VO: The next day Robin and I went apartment hunting with Aunt Lily.
Lily: But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, which was painting, but now I think it's music or spoken word. Maybe both. God, isn't life amazing? It is so great to see you Ted. Oh! I'm gonna get the key from the lock box.
(Lily walks away, Ted turns to Robin with a smirk on his face)
Robin: What?
Ted: She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. I love it.
Robin: Um, no, you just want Lily to be miserable. The truth is she's happy.
Ted: Trust me, I've known Lily for nine years.
Robin: Trust me, I'm a girl.
Ted: Yeah, but you're Canadian.
(Ted and Robin talking at same time)
Robin: Why do you always have to bring that up? You bring it up every time...
Ted: You are our weird neighbors from the north.
Ted: All right! Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Dammit. OK, so how do we get the truth out of her?
Ted: Tequila, it's her weakness. Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything.
(Lily returns with a key and opens the door to an apartment)
Lily: I hope this is my new home.
(Lily opens door and they walk into small dirty apartment)
Lily: Yeah, I'm gonna take that first apartment.
INT. APARTMENT
(knock at door, Marshall opens door, Barney walks in)
Barney: Marshall Eriksen, suit up!
Marshall: No way.
Barney: Yeah, you're good in that. Let's go.
(Barney turns to leave)
Marshall: Ehem, wait, empty your pockets.
(Barney takes out cards and handcuffs from pockets, does card trick, Marshall takes away his handcuffs and cards)
Barney: Come on.
Marshall: Ehem, sleeves.
Barney: There's nothing in my ...
Marshall: Oh, is that right?
(Marshall pulls out many handkerchiefs tied together and at end is a pair of boxers)
Barney: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Let's go.
Marshall: Ehem, behind my ear.
Barney: There's nothing behind ... oh!
Marshall: Oh!
(Barney pulls a coin out from behind Marshall's ear, flicks the coin to Marshall who catches it and closes the door behind him as they leave)
EXT. THE SCORPION AND THE TOAD
INT. THE SCORPION AND THE TOAD
(Marshall at bar talking to blonde girl)
Blonde Girl: Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The work load's killing me though.
Marshall: Oh, tell me about it, I'm third year at Columbia Law so ... if the work load does kill ya, I can probably get a conviction.
(Marshall and Blonde Girl laugh)
Marshall: Yeah.
(Barney leaning over booth where two girls are sitting)
Barney: You must be majoring in chemistry because what I'm picking up between us is...
(First girl walks away)
Barney: College lesbian phase.
(Second girl walks away)
Blonde Girl: Listen, I gotta go, but it'd be great to see you again.
Marshall: Yes, it would. It really would.
Blonde Girl: Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime.
Marshall: Probably not, I'm never here, so...
Blonde Girl: You know, I do have a phone number.
Marshall: Great. Nice.
(Barney walks up to them)
Barney: Hi, I'm Barney.
Marshall: Oh no.
Barney: Do you mind giving my friend your phone number?
(Barney hands blonde girl a card and pen)
Blonde Girl: Sure.
INT. CAB
(Marshall and Barney sitting in the back of a cab)
Marshall: Whoa! I did it. I got a girl's phone number.
(Barney chuckles)
Marshall: Oh and her handwriting is so cute. Look.
(Marshall hands card to Barney)
Marshall: Oh, I'm gonna take her for Chinese food and then maybe we'll walk through the park. It'll be so...what?
Barney: Sorry, buddy. I'm taking this one too.
(Barney puts card in his inner jacket pocket)
Marshall: I'll kill you!
(Marshall leans over to choke Barney)
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
(Robin, Lily and Ted sitting on ground around table drinking tequila)
Lily: And then I discovered this area, North Beach. Best beach ever! Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. How are you guys doing? And, hey, how's Marshall?
(cut to Marshall and Barney fighting in back seat of cab)
Marshall: Give me the card! I swear there aren't enough...!
Barney: I'm not giving you that card. What ... !
(back to Robin, Lily and Ted sitting around table)
Ted: Terrific.
Lily: That's so good to hear.
(phone rings inside Lily's bag)
Lily: Oh. Hold on, this could be about the apartment.
(Lily walks away to answer phone)
Ted: OK, we're way past truth-telling Lily and about the hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998 Lily and I'm not cleaning that up again.
(Ted reaches into pocket to get wallet)
Ted: So congratulations, you win. She's happy.
(Lily comes back in)
Lily: I didn't get it. That first apartment, I, I waited too long and somebody else got it.
(Lily sits down on couch and starts to cry)
Ted: Interesting. Wow, Lily, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction to losing an apartment. I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost because you couldn't commit.
Robin: No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding and the real hardwood floors. There's no deeper meaning. Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him.
Lily: The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall.
(Ted points to Robin, Robin gives him money, Ted takes it happily)
INT. CAB
(Barney and Marshall are still fighting in the back of the cab)
(Barney and Marshall are yelling at the same time)
Barney: Stop it! It has my name on it!
Marshall: You don't wanna see what I'm like when I'm angry!
Barney: Hold on! If we can't settle this like gentlemen, then no one gets the number.
(Barney throws the card out the window)
Marshall: No! Stop the cab!
(cab driver stops cab and Marshall gets out of cab)
Barney: Wait, no, wait, come on. Marshall!
(Marshall shuts cab door) Barney (to cab driver): 81st and 1st please. (looking at card) Ah, she does have cute handwriting.
INT. DINER
(Ted, Robin, Lily sitting at table)
Future Ted VO: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own remedy.
Waiter: Good morning, guys! What can I get you?
Lily: Shh! Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got and a milkshake.
Waiter: For you sir.
Ted: Gravy.
Waiter: You want that gravy on something?
Ted: Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. Just kidding. I'm good.
(Waiter leaves)
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I think so. Whoa!
Ted: Look, you want Marshall back so bad, how come it took you two days to even ask?
Lily: I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool, but really...
(flashback to Lily and Robin talking in first empty apartment)
Robin: But it's good. I mean, work is great.
Lily (thinking to self): Come on, say something about Marshall. Where's Marshall? How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now?
(flashback to Lily, Ted and Robin talking in hallway)
Lily (thinking to self): Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall.
(flashback to Robin, Lily and Ted sitting on floor in Robin's apartment)
Lily (thinking to self): Marshall, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall. I gotta ask!
Lily (out loud): And, hey, how's Marshall?
(cut back to present at diner)
Lily: It was such an awful summer. I just wanted to get back here and see him.
Ted: But I thought your summer was great.
Lily: Not exactly.
(flashback to Lily painting in art class)
Art Professor: Oh my God. This is your best work? In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless. To say this is art. I can't teach you anything.
(Professor takes away Lily's brush)
(back to scene at diner)
Ted: So all those interesting people you met on the bus...
Lily: Yeah, um.
(flashback to bus ride)
Guy: Hi, I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. Hey! I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way.
(Lily cringing away from guy)
(back to scene at diner)
Lily: I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. I screwed everything up. I have no job, no place to live. I lost the love of my life. I know I have no right to ask this but do you think Marshall would take me back?
Ted: In a heartbeat. If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms.
Lily: So maybe I should call him.
Ted: Maybe. No. (pounds fist on table) Listen...Hold on, look, if you're gonna go back to him, I don't wanna hear the word maybe. Maybe cannot be in your vocabulary. This breakup almost killed him and he cannot go through it again. So unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him.
(Robin smiling giddily)
Robin: This guy likes pennies.
INT. BAR
(Marshall sitting at bar, Barney sits down by him)
Barney: Hi Marshall.
Marshall: No. Go away, I don't want to talk to you.
Barney: OK, I know what I did a couple of nights back is in a moral gray area. But the great news is she loved you. If things had gone your way, you'd gone out a couple of times, I think she definitely would have had sex with you.
Marshall: There's no 'would' in sex.
(Marshall and Barney chuckle)
Marshall: I'm just no good at this, Barney. I'm good at being in a couple. I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. Being single, forget it.
Barney: You can't give up now. What if I told you that you can relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes, only this time, you get her and I don't?
Marshall: That's not possible.
Barney: Oh, but it is. She has...wait for it...here it comes...almost there...an identical twin. Yes.
Marshall: A twin isn't the same person.
Barney: Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 'Ident-,' same, '-ical,' person. Same person. Hey, we can double-date.
Marshall: Fine. But you have to promise me you're not gonna steal my new twin and leave me with your old, used up twin.
Barney: Used up? They're a human being, Marshall.
(Ted and Barney are on double-date at bar, sitting at a table)
Future Ted VO: So, Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out on a double-date with the twins.
(Barney and Marshall talk privately over by bar)
Barney: How you doing?
Marshall: Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. Me and the girl are really clicking.
Barney: You are, definitely are. Listen, you're gonna have to leave now. I just talked with the twins, get this, I'm going home with both of them. Yeah, that's happening.
Marshall: It is impossible that you are doing this to me again.
Barney: But they're twins!
Marshall: You, you said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store.
Barney: Well, it's not. It's not like a candy store. It's a lawless post-apocalyptic wasteland. I may be your best friend...
Marshall: Actually, Ted's my best friend.
Barney: But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. That's what being single is. And after nine years in captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two unique breasts and two duplicates waiting for me.
(Barney returns to the table with the twins with some drinks, Barney sees Marshall leave)
Barney: Bad news, Marshall got food poisoning.
Twin: What? That's too bad, I really liked him.
Barney: I guess we're just a threesome tonight.
EXT. BAR
(Marshall walking up steps from bar onto the street, Marshall sees Lily standing on street)
Marshall: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: Oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't...Oh, you mean New York? My program ended. It was just great, just lots of fun. It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. I'm so sorry Marshall. And hello.
Marshall: Lily, this was the worst summer of my life.
Lily: I know! It was the worst summer of my life.
Marshall: It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through.
Lily: Could we please get back together?
Marshall: All that crap you said to me about we need to figure out who we are outside of us and we need to learn to do things on our own, it broke my heart. Three months ago you broke my heart.
Lily: Could we please get back together?
Marshall: Lily, you were right. All that crap was right. So, no, no, we can't back together. We shouldn't. At least not right now.
Lily: Wow. OK. Yeah. Well, will we still see each other? Marshall: Yeah, yeah. I think so. I don't know. This is all really new to me. I just got out of a long relationship.
(Marshall and Lily laugh, Lily wipes tears from face)
Marshall: I like your hair.
Lily: Thanks. Yeah, I figured new city, new color...
(camera pans out)
(return from commercial break, Marshall and Lily sit on steps)
Lily: And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. I'm so glad to be back in New York. Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you.
Marshall: Actually there may be something you can do for me, but you can never, ever ask me why.
INT. BAR
(Barney sitting at table with twins)
Barney: So then I was promoted to assistant ménage, manager, why do I keep doing that?
(Lily walks into bar towards Barney)
Barney: Lily?
Lily: You gave me Chlamydia you jerk.
(Lily throws drink in Barney's face and walks out)
Barney: So where was I? Oh yeah, assistant ménage... I did it again. I can't believe it.
(Lily walks in again, now wearing beret)
Lily: You gave my twin sister Chlamydia, you slime!
(Lily throws drink in Barney's face, twins gets up to leave)
Barney: I know magic. Well played, Eriksen, well played.