How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
2x04: Ted Mosby: Architect
Original Airdate: 10/9/2006
Written by: Kristin Newman
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
(flashback of Ted and Robin talking at bar, flashback of Ted and Robin kissing at Ted's drafting table)
Future Ted VO: Kids, sometimes your relationship goes so smoothly for so long that you think it will be that way forever. It never is.
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted sits down at booth that Barney and Marshall are sitting at)
Ted: Well, we just had our first fight.
INT. NAIL SALON
(Lily is getting pedicure and listening to ipod, Robin enter_
Robin: We had our first fight.
(Lily takes out ear buds)
Lily: Oh no, what did you fight about?
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted, Barney and Marshall sitting at booth)
Barney: Oh no, what did you fight about?
(Barney puts in ear buds and closes eyes and rocks to music)
Ted: A few months ago, my architecture firm was approached to design this new building.
INT. NAIL SALON
(Robin continues story to Lily)
Robin: Well, it's this big skyscraper in Spokane. It'll be a huge project for his firm.
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted continues story to Barney and Marshall)
Ted: And if we don't get it we could go under.
INT. NAIL SALON
(Robin continues story to Lily)
Robin: So anyway, the head architect unveils his new design to the whole company...
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(someone unveils picture on easel, everybody claps, Ted looks at it and looks around without clapping)
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted, Barney, Marshall sitting at booth)
Marshall, Barney: No.
Ted: Yes.
Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kinda look like
Ted: Marshall, it's a 78-story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front.
Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package.
Barney: Yeah, you did.
Marshall: Had to.
(Barney and Marshall hit fists)
Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos, you gotta get me in. And don't give me the shaft.
Marshall: Yeah you did
Barney: Had to.
(Barney and Marshall hit fists)
Ted: It's a travesty It's gonna define the the skyline of the city. If it was me, I could have designed something amazing. Instead I'm spending twelve hours a day designing the cornices.
Marshall: Yeah you did.
(Marshall puts his fist out towards Ted)
Ted: That wasn't one.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. NAIL SALON
(Robin and Lily both getting pedicures) Lily: So you and Ted had your first fight. It obviously ended well. I mean, you're here with me.
Robin: Actually it didn't end at all. I started getting bummed out, so I came here. It's what I do.
When my grandma died, I got a perm.
Lily: Ooh, two tragedies in one day.
Robin: The thing is, Ted has been literally complaining about work nonstop for weeks. So when I came over today, I was kinda done.
(flashback to Robin entering Ted's apartment)
Ted: Hey
Robin: Hey.
Ted: How was your day?
Robin: Good.
(Robin and Ted kiss)
Ted: Wow, you're a great interviewer. Aren't you gonna ask how my day was?
Robin: No, I know how it was. It was awful. Oh, you wanna rent a movie tonight?
Ted: You know, um, I listen to your work stories all the time.
Robin: Yeah, but, I don't wanna be rude here, my work stories are interesting. I'm a television news reporter.
(back to scene at nail salon)
Lily: Robin.
Robin: What? I knew exactly what he was gonna to say. I was just helping him get there faster.
Lily: You should work at a suicide hotline.
Robin: And then it got ugly.
(flashback to Robin and Ted talking in his apartment)
Robin: What I don't to is tell you the same story over and over again. I mean, you wouldn't watch the same movie over and over again, would you? Maybe a great movie like Die Hard, but Field of Dreams? Once is more than enough.
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Barney and Marshall look at Ted with their mouths agape)
(flashback to Ted and Robin talking in his apartment)
Ted: That's your go-to bad movie? The number one example on the tip of your tongue of a bad movie is Field of Dreams?
Robin: It's about ghost baseball players. I think it's stupid.
(Ted looks at Robin with his mouth agape)
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Barney and Marshall are looking at Ted with his mouth agape, Marshall stammers)
INT. NAIL SALON
(Lily and Robin getting pedicures)
Robin: So now he's all mad at me about this stupid movie.
Lily: Robin, he's upset because you wouldn't listen to him, not because you didn't like some movie.
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted telling story to Marshall and Barney)
Ted: How do you not like Field of Dreams?
INT. NAIL SALON
(Robin and Lily getting pedicures)
Lily: Listening is the foundation of a relationship, and if he's really droning on you can always practice saying the alphabet backwards, you know, in case you get pulled over for a DUI.
Robin: I guess I don't know how to do that.
Lily: Yeah, it's really hard even when you're sober. That's what I tried to explain to the cop.
Robin: No, I mean, I guess I don't know how to do this girlfriend thing. I've never been in a relationship this serious before. I should probably go tell him I'm sorry, shouldn't I?
(Lily looks off in space)
Robin: You're trying to do it right now, aren't you?
Lily: What the hell comes before Q?
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted, Marshall and Barney sitting in booth)
Ted: Then at the end of the movie, when he has a catch with his dad like he never did when he was young enough for it to matter.
(Marshall and Barney look like they're about to cry)
Barney: Can we talk about something else? Marshall: You know what, dude, forget about Robin, OK?. You're hanging with us tonight.
I've got an awesome party lined up.
Barney: Oh God. It's gonna be another one of your weird all-guy parties?
Marshall: That was a poker game. What is wrong with you? No, it's the first law school party of the year and it's gonna be awesome. I haven't seen these guys since like last year before Lily and I broke up so I'm gonna have to break the news to everybody. It's really gonna bum them out. This party's gonna suck.
Barney: Well, love to join you at that on but I got tickets to foxy boxing.
Ted: Yeah, I wish I could join you guys but I gotta get back to my apparently boring job.
Marshall: Your job's not boring
Ted: Robin thinks so.
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it. You create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.
Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies.
Ted: First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And third I can't imagine that working on anyone ever.
Barney: That's cuz you're always like (looking sheepish and awkward) Ted Mosby, architect. If it were me, I'd be like (very confidently) Ted Mosby, architect. Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall (very confidently: Marshall Ericksen, recently dumped and heading to a lame party.
Whoa, ladies, please take it easy.
(Marshall stands up and fends off imaginary ladies)
Marshall: There's enough of me for everyone. Oh, hello.
(Marshall puts both arms around imaginary ladies) Marshall: All right, we're gonna take off.
Barney: Wait up, I'll leave with you guys.
(Barney gets up to leave)
Barney: Ted Mosby, architect. Trust me.
(Marshall and Barney leave, Ted gets up to go and sees two girls at bar and approaches them)
Ted: Hey, just out of curiousity, if a guy told you he was an architect, what would you think of that?
Anna: Are you kidding? Architects are hot. How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol?
Ted: Solid point. She did have hair of gold.
Anna: She did.
(Robin and Lily enter MacLaren's)
Robin: Hey, Carl? Is Ted still here?
Carl: No. Hey, Lily! Still single?
Lily: Yes.
Carl: You know, I poured a lot of free drinks for you over the years. A lot.
Lily: Carl, do you really want to be with a woman who trades sex for beer?
Carl: Only if you're into it.
(Carl puts a glass of beer on the bar for Lily)
Carl: It's on me.
Lily: Thanks.
Robin: I wonder where Ted went.
Anna's friend: Ted Mosby, the architect?
Robin: Actually, yeah.
Anna's friend: Oh, he is such a cool guy. He was here earlier.
(flashback to Ted sitting at corner booth with Anna and her friend)
Anna: Hey, what made you decide you wanted to become an architect?
Ted: Well, you know, soul of an artist, hands of a master craftsman. It was inevitable I guess
Anna: I bet you can draw, can't you? You should draw me.
Ted: Well, I could try but you might end up looking like a mid-century tri-level.
(Anna and her friend laugh)
Ted: Hey, if you want, my friend, Marshall invited me to this party we could all go to. Marshall's great. He's just a lawyer but somebody has to push the papers for us creative types. Am I right?
Anna: Yeah.
(back to present scene at MacLaren's)
Lily: He asked her to a party. Oh my God, are you OK?
Robin: OK? It's awesome. It's a win-win. Ted got to vent and I don't have to hear it. Maybe after he's done with the talky-talk, he'll come over and I'll get the fun part
Lily: What is wrong with you? God, I feel like I'm teaching love as a second language here. OK, you know how when he tells you boring work stories, you're supposed to listen. Well, when he picks up some random girl at a bar, you're supposed to freak out.
Robin: I'm not freaking because in my mind she's fat.
Anna's Friend: She's a kickboxing instructor. Her ass looks better than my face.
Robin: All right, we'll swing by the party.
(Robin and Lily leave MacLaren's)
EXT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY
Future Ted VO: Now the party was for some of Marshall's classmates from Columbia Law School who by day were some of the sharpest most serious legal minds in the country.
By night, however...
INT. BRAD'S APARTMENT
(Robin and Lily enter front door and see lots of people at party)
Robin: Damn, these are some drunk almost-lawyers.
(Naked guy wearing just a belt of beers holds up shaving cream)
Law Student: OK, seriously, who wants to shave my ass? Future Ted VO: That guy went on to become a Supreme Court justice.
Lily: OK, where are the guys and the hooker?
Brad: Yo! What's up, ladies? Welcome to the party, yeah! I just need you to sign this release protecting the host from any and all responsibility should you harm yourself or a third party, then freaking rage.
Robin: Hey, drunk legal dude, have you seen Marshall Ericksen? He was with a guy named Ted.
Brad: You mean, Ted Mosby, the architect? Man, what a visionary. Yeah, they were here.
(flashback to Ted and Anna talking in Brad's apartment)
Ted: Awards are nice, they look good on my shelf. But none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over my first building.
Anna: Wow, I would love to watch the sun rise with you.
Ted: I know you would. It's the job.
(Brad walks over to Law Student)
Brad: Dude, you should let us shave your ass tonight.
Law Student: No way.
(Kara walks over to Marshall who's sitting down)
Kara: Hey Marshall. Where's Lily?
Marshall: I didn't want to ruin the party for everybody this early but, uh, everyone take a seat.
(Everyone sits around Marshall) Marshall: Um, Lily actually called off the wedding this summer to go to San Francisco, so we're broken up.
Brad: Her name wasn't on your lease, was it? 'Cause if not, New York state law, you're not obligated to give her half the deposit when you move.
Marshall: That's not really the part I was worried about, guys.
Kara: And don't forget the precendent set by Smith v. Rosenblatt, '74. Any personal effect she left in your house or dwelling become yours after 30 days.
Marshall: Guys, can we cease and desist with the lawyer-speak for a minute. Love died. The love that made you all believe in love, that's dead now.
Kara: You should sue her.
Brad: Uh, really? On what ground, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of shut-up.
(Kara takes drink and spits it up)
Future Ted VO: That's our attorney general.
(back to present scene)
Lily: See, Marshall's still hung up on our break-up. Why? Because I listened to him. It was a strong, nurturing relationship that I threw away like old gum.
Robin: Not that I'm worried or anything but, um, back to the sun rising over Ted and, uh, what tasteful way did you describe her...
Brad: The girl with the smackable ass.
Robin: Yes, that's the young lady.
(flashback to Ted and Anna talking)
Anna: So, I know the bouncer at this techno club, Posers. Do you feel like dancing?
(back to present scene)
Robin: Yeah, OK, there is no way that Ted went dancing. Ted hates clubs.
(flashback to Ted and Anna talking)
Ted: Hell, yeah, I love clubs. I mean, I was gonna to design a cathedral tonight, kinda take a whack at the whole relationship between God and man conundrum. But sure, let's go dancing.
Anna: Yay!
Ted: Wait, let me just check on my friend.
(Ted goes over to Marshall)
Ted: Hey, Marshall, you up for some superloud repetitive music that hasn't changed since the mid-90's.
Marshall: Um, only always.
Ted: Let's go.
(Ted, Marshall and Anna leave)
(back to present scene)
Robin: Dancing? He went dancing with this girl? OK, maybe this is a little bad. Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to sex.
Lily: Did you grow up in that Footloose town? Robin: I'm calling him. I'm telling him I was wrong and I'm sorry and I totally wanna listen to his stupid stories.
Lily: Yeah. Think of another way to phrase that.
(Robin and Lily walk out into hallway, Robin calls Ted on her cell phone) Robin: He's not answering. Calling Marshall.
(Robin dials Marshall's number)
(Marshall is dancing to techno music, answers phone)
Marshall: Hello.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Marshall, hi, it's Robin. Can I talk to Ted?
(Marshall looks around)
Marshall: Robin. Um, no, Ted's not here tonight. He's working.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Uh, OK. Bye.
(Robin hangs up phone)
Robin: Marshall just lied. Ted's cheating on me.
EXT. POSERS CLUB
(Robin and Lily walk up to bouncer)
Robin: Excuse me, I'm looking for a couple of guys who came in here earlier. One's about 6'4", 210, sandy brown hair and the other's a cheating bastard.
Bouncer: I'm gonna need to refresh my memory.
Lily: OK, fella, baby knows how this game is played. How's a 20 help your memory?
(Lily holds up $20, bouncer takes it)
Bouncer: Thanks, but seriously it was crazy tonight. I really do need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Can I have the...
(Bouncer smirks)
Lily: That's cool. You keep that.
Robin: So, these guys, one of them is an architect.
Bouncer: Ted Mosby, the architect?
Robin: That's the one.
Bouncer: Oh yeah, he was here.
(flashback to Ted and Anna leaving club)
Ted: Then I was all, no, Frank Gehry, you're on your own this time, and that, my dear, was the end of that hack's career.
Anna: I live across the street.
Ted: That is one hell of a non sequitur.
Anna: Wanna come over?
Ted: Well, I don't know. But I suppose I should at least give you a ride home. Hop on.
(Ted turns around and Anna jumps on his back)
Anna: I'll see you at book club, Vinny
Bouncer: Yeah, I'll be bringing the crudite.
Anna: Nice. Giddyup.
(Ted starts galloping, Marshall walks outside to them)
Marshall: What are you doing?
Ted: Galloping.
Marshall: OK, you proved it, all right? The whole Ted Mosby, architect, thing works.
Anna: Architects rule!
Marshall: Aren't you a little worried that a certain somebody might find out that you're doing this? This isn't you, Ted.
Ted: It is tonight.
(back to present scene)
Robin: You know this girl. Where does she live?
Bouncer: I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks.
Lily: I'm out of the money.
Robin: Um, cash too.
Bouncer: I'll take your purse.
Robin: My purse?
Bouncer: Yeah, my girl likes clutches.
Robin: OK, fine.
(Robin starts taking her things out of her purse and gives the purse to the bouncer)
Lily: You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot.
Robin: Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my gun. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live?
Bouncer: The building with the green light, apartment 3C.
Lily: Oh my God, Robin, are you gonna kick this girl's ass? Robin: Yeah, and steal her purse.
INT. HALLWAY
(Robin and Lily approach front door of Anna's apartment)
Robin: I can't believe he's cheating on me. You know how many times I could have cheated? Six, no seven. And you know two of them and they would surprise you.
Lily: 3C. Let's do this. You ready? Robin: Should I just kick the door in?
Lily: Those are really nice heels and you already lost a purse. Let's see if it's unlocked.
(Lily checks door knob)
Lily: It's unlocked. OK, get in there and kick some spankable ass.
(Lily gets behind Robin, Robin just stands there frozen)
Lily: Robin.
(Lily comes back around to look at Robin)
Robin: I'm the problem.
Lily: What?
Robin: You were right. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I took the nicest guy in the world and I made him a cheater.
Lily: Don't stand out here and beat yourself up, get in there and beat Ted up. I'll handle the slutty kickboxer. Actually I'll take Ted.
Robin: Let's do this.
Lily: Bring it!
(Robin puts her stuff on the ledge outside the door, Robin opens door and her and Lily go in)
INT. ANNA'S APARTMENT
(lights are off, someone is taking a shower, Robin and Lily sneak past the bathroom and see someone's foot through doorway, Robin and Lily barge into bedroom)
Robin: What do you think you're...?
(Robin turns on the light and sees Barney tied to the bedpost)
Robin: Barney?
Barney: Thank God you're here. Can you help with this? I need nails.
Robin: OK, I'm totally lost here. Where's Ted?
Barney: Ted? He's at work.
Robin: How did you get here?
Barney: Awesome story, as per us...
(flashback to Ted meeting Anna and her friend at MacLaren's)
Anna: How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol?
Ted: Solid point and she did have hair of gold.
Anna: Yes, she did.
(Barney walks back into MacLaren's)
Barney: Sorry, I forgot my binocs for foxy boxing. Whoa, looks like things got foxier right here.
Ted: Yes, they did. And you are just in time. Girls, I have to go but I'm leaving you in very good if slightly sullied hands.
Anna: Oh, don't go. We don't even know your name to look out for your buildings.
Barney: Yeah, stay.
(Barney mouths "go" to Ted)
Ted: Excuse us for one second.
(Ted and Barney walk away from Anna and her friend)
Ted: OK, you were right, the architect thing totally works. But I have a girlfriend and I gotta get back to work. This project is getting harder and harder.
Barney: Yeah you did.
Ted: Yeah, had to.
(Ted and Barney hit fists, Ted walks out of MacLaren's, Barney goes back to Anna and her friend)
Barney: Sorry, my, uh, intern had to leave.
Anna: That's too bad. I'm Anna, by the way.
(Barney looks behind him)
Barney: Ted Mosby, architect.
(flashback to scene at Brad's party)
Barney: But none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over your first building.
(flashback to Barney, Anna and Marshall outside techno club)
Anna: Giddy-up
Marshall: What are you doing?
Barney: Galloping.
Marshall: OK, you proved it, the whole Ted Mosby, architect thing works
Anna: Architects rule!
Marshall: Aren't you afraid that a certain somebody is gonna find about this? I mean, this isn't you, Ted.
Barney: It is tonight
(back to present scene)
Barney: And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you. We did it right here and here and here.
(Barney points to various locations in the apartment_
Robin: But why would you use Ted's name?
Barney: I've got some recent bad press on the world wide web so I'm taking an TO on the whole using my real name thing.
Lily: Oh, this is great. It wasn't Ted. Everything's OK.
Robin: Everything isn't OK. Look at me. I'm acting crazy and jealous and paranoid.
Lily: This is how people act in relationships
Robin: And that's why I avoid relationship.
Lily: Well, guess what. I haven't been crazy or jealous or paranoid in months. I really miss it.
Barney: And thus ended this chapter of "let's pour our hearts out in the bedroom of Barney's one-night stand." Come on, let's go before she gets out of the shower.
Robin: You're such a pig. You're not even going to say good-bye
Barney: I'll have you know that I composed a lovely form letter for use in such an occasion.
(Barney pulls out a folded sheet of paper from his inside jacket pocket)
Barney: Just fill out her name.
(Barney grabs pen from inside jacket pocket)
Barney: Something with an A... I'll just put "Resident."
(Anna finishes her shower)
Barney: Go go go go.
(Barney, Robin and Lily run out of Anna's apartment)
EXT. STREET
(Robin walking alone)
Future Ted VO: Robin took a long walk that night. She thought about how opening yourself up to another person usually opening yourself up to going a little crazy. She thought about how much easier it was to be alone. And then she came to see me.
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(Ted is working at his table, Robin walks in with food)
Robin: Hey.
Ted: Hey. What are you doing here? Robin: I brought donuts and I don't wanna brag, but they're filled with jelly.
Ted: So, uh, how was your night?
Robin: It was fine. Nothing exciting. How was yours? Ted: You really wanna hear about boring architect stuff?
Robin: Yes I do. I'm sorry about earlier. To tell you the truth I never even saw all of Field of Dreams. I fell asleep halfway through.
Ted: What? The best part is the last twenty minutes.
Robin: Well, maybe they should have moved that part up a little bit earlier because...You know what, what I'm trying to say is I love being the person you bitch to. So, how was your day, Mr. Architect? Ted: Ooh, I like the way you say that.
(Robin laughs)
Ted: Hey, you wanna see the building that'll make every man in Spokane feel inadequate?
Robin: Obviously.
(Ted shows Robin picture of skyscraper)
Robin: Wow.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: You know you didn't mention all the foliage around the base. If you trim that back the rest would look bigger.
Ted: You don't have to tell me. And, um, just for fun, I've, uh, I sorta have been working on my own idea of what I think the building should be.
(Ted shows Robin his design)
Ted: What do you think?
Future Ted VO: You know that time we went to Spokane and I pointed out that skyscraper? That was the first building I ever designed. And that night was the first time I showed anyone my first drawing of it.
Robin: Wow. Ted, this is amazing.
Ted: Thanks. It's not like it'll ever come to anything.
Robin: I don't know. It might come to something.
(Robin puts her arms around Ted)
Robin: You know, girls find architects very hot.
(Robin and Ted kiss)
Ted: OK, but I don't want you expecting 78 stories or anything.
INT. ANNA'S APARTMENT
(Anna reads Barney's form letter)
Barney VO: Dear Resident, the time we spent together, however long it was. Meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet Resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade, provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond. Barney.
Anna: Barney...Who the hell is Barney?