How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
2x05: World's Greatest Couple
Original Airdate: 10/16/2006
Written by: Brenda Hsueh
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
(flashbacks of Barney sitting with a cigar, sitting at his office desk, on the phone while getting a massage, winking at a girl at the bar)
Future Ted VO: Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in New York none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did.
INT. BARNEY'S BEDROOM
(Barney asleep with a girl's arm over him, Barney rolls over towards girl, looks at girl and screams, Lily gets up next to Barney and screams)
Future Ted VO: It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role. It all started two weeks earlier at Lily's housewarming.
EXT. LILY'S APARTMENT BUILDING
INT. LILY'S APARTMENT
(Lily opens door to let Ted and Robin in)
Ted: Hi.
Lily: Hey, welcome to my new home.
Ted: Oh, wow, Lily, this is...Oh, this is all of it.
Lily: Yeah, I know it's small but it's got character.
(Lily takes gift basket from Ted and puts it in the bathtub)
Lily: Thank you. And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice.
Ted: Is that a toilet in your kitchen? Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom? Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove. That's a stoveinkerator. A combination of stove, oven, sink and refrigerator. Stoveinkerator. Isn't that futurist?
Ted: God, I hope not. Hey, cool Murphy bed.
Lily: Yeah, It's kind of a mess. I didn't make my bed this morning, so...
(Ted takes bed down and one corner of the bed can't touch the ground because it's up against a corner of a wall)
Robin: You know what? I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you, for some reason.
Ted: I got it.
(Ted tries to push bed corner down onto the ground, hear yelling in foreign language through the wall)
Lily: That was something something I am going to something you like a something donkey.
Robin: Huh. Other cultures!
Lily: Hey, let's break out the fruit basket.
(Lily takes basket out of bathtub, hear squeaky sounds)
Lily: Hey, who ate all the...?
(Lily suddenly drops the basket and backs away from it)
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MAC LAREN'S
(Ted, Robin and Barney sitting at booth)
Ted: OK, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place but I've got dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's a little more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The fortress of Barnitutude? No way.
Robin: Come on, she's desperate.
Barney: Normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.
(Marshall sits down next to Barney)
Marshall: One of you guys is a very, very lucky because I have, a boom! An extra ticket to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in?
Robin: Absolutely not.
Ted: No.
Marshall: Damn. I got these tickets, like, months ago for me and Lily, and now I can't find anyone to go with me. This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch.
Ted: I guess you could try going to brunch alone.
Marshall: Oh, you don't think I've tried?
(flashback to Marshall entering Popover Pantry)
Marshall: Table for one.
Maitre d': One couple?
Marshall: No, just me.
Maitre d': Really? For brunch?
Marshall: You're right, who am I kidding?
(Marshall leaves)
(back to present scene) Robin: Ooh, the Popover Pantry. That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?
Ted: Of course sweetie.
(Ted and Robin kiss)
Marshall: Can I go with you guys?
Ted: Really? For brunch?
Marshall: God, I hate being single.
INT. BARNEY'S APARTMENT
(Barney enters front door talking on his cell phone)
Barney: OK, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game. Oh, and p to the s, I never got my payout from Seattle two weeks ago. Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there. All right? All right? OK, I love you too, Mom, take care.
(Barney hangs up phone and starts to pour himself a drink, camera pans to show Lily sitting on his couch)
Barney: Hello, Lily. You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. How did you do it?
Lily: Ted gave me your spare key.
Barney: Spare key. Brilliant.
Lily: Loook, I'm sorry, you know I'd only come here if I had no other choice. But earlier today I was getting ready to go to sleep and...
(flashback of Lily pulling down her Murphy bed and tearing down wall with it, big guy in under clothes sitting on easy chair eating food staring at Lily)
Lily: Svetkas! (subtitled 'hello')
(Lily waves)
(back to present scene)
Barney: Terrible. Well, see ya.
Lily: Wait, well, can I stay here maybe?
Barney: Oh. I'd let you but I don't have any room.
Lily: You live in a two-bedroom apartment. You have one room just for your suits.
Barney: Hey, I'm in a point in my life where my suits are my family. Look around, Lily, You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa but that only lasts for twelve hours, fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry.
Lily: Ewww...is something some lame judgmental chick would say but I say give me multiple high-fives.
Barney: Wow, you really are desperate.
Lily: I really am.
Barney: OK, you can stay here for two days. But I have only one rule. You can't change anything.
Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is... (notices Storm trooper in corner) perfect, except for the fact that you don't have a TV.
Barney: See that wall?
(Barney points to wall they're facing while sitting on couch, clicks remote control and very bright light diffuse light shines on them with sound)
Barney: 300 inch flat screen. They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tug boat like freakin' King Kong.
Lily: It hurts my eyes.
Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin and Ted sitting on couch, Marshall enters front door)
Marshall: Hey.
Ted: Hey, where you been? Marshall: Um, the Alanis Morissette concert.
Ted: By yourself?
Marshall: No, actually I went with a friend from law school.
Robin: Oh really? Who's this friend?
Marshall: Brad.
(flashback to Brad and Marshall entering MacLaren's after concert)
Brad: Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks.
Marshall: Totally. I can't believe I almost didn't come tonight.
Brad: Let me guess, bought the tickets for you and Lily right before she dumped you.
Marshall: Yeah, how did you know?
Brad: I just got dumped myself.
Marshall: What? Kara broke up with you? Sorry, man, that sucks.
(Marshall turns towards bar and turns back to Brad)
Marshall: Brad, do you like brunch?
(back to present scene)
Ted: You invited him to brunch?
Marshall: Yeah. I invited him to brunch. Why, is that weird? Ted: Yes, that's why I was all " you invited him to brunch?"
Marshall: Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?
Ted: Because brunch is kind of...
Robin: Girlie.
Marshall: Girlie? Breakfast isn't girlie. Lunch isn't girlie. What makes brunch girlie?
Ted: I don't know. There's nothing girlie about a horse. There's nothing girlie about a horn.
But put them together and you get a unicorn.
Marshall: I don't care what either of you say. I am going to the Popover Pantry with Brad. We're here, we're hungry, get used to it, brunch!
INT. BARNEY'S APARTMENT
(Lily is cooking breakfast, Barney walks into kitchen area)
Barney: Mmm, smells delicious.
(Lily hands Barney a plate of breakfast)
Lily: Thank you. There was no food in the fridge so I picked up...
(Barney dumps the food in the garbage)
Lily: What are you doing?
Barney: Lily, what was the first rule again?
Lily: Don't change anything.
Barney: And what was the second rule?
Lily: There was no second rule.
Barney: Exactly. There was only one rule and you broke it!
Lily: I bought groceries. That counts as changing something?
Barney: Lily, if I wanted a fridge full of fresh groceries or fresh coffee in the morning, I'd be in a relationship.
(Barney dumps coffee down the sink)
Barney: But I don't want to be in a relationship. That's why I make it crystal clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. This is a place to leave.
(Lily looks at Barney bewildered)
Barney: Come on, I'll give you a tour. Uh, no flash photography please.
(Barney leads Lily around the apartment)
INT. BARNEY'S BEDROOM
Barney: Bienvenido to the bedroom. Dig this, king size bed, full size blanket, one pillow.
Everything about this bed says our work here is done.
INT. BARNEY'S BATHROOM
Barney: Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. What? Only one towel. What? No hair dryer. You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it. And, the coup de grace...
(Barney goes over to the toilet, toilet seat is up, he puts toilet seat down and it goes up automatically)
Barney: Yeah, that's right.
(Barney tries to put toilet seat down again and it goes up automatically)
Barney: Patent pending.
INT. BARNEY'S HALLWAY
Barney: And welkommen to the hallway. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily: Marshall doesn't have porn.
Barney: (laughs) That's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn, I have mine professionally lit.
(Barney turns on a switch and a red light comes on behind bookshelf)
Barney: Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.
Lily: And if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-size Storm trooper.
Barney: No, that's just awesome. So, you see, whenever a girl wakes up here, I never have to tell her to build her nest somewhere else. My apartment does it for me.
INT. POPOVER PANTRY
(Marshall and Brad eating brunch together)
Marshall: God, I love brunch.
Brad: Damn, zucchini bread is ridonculous.
Marshall: This isn't weird, right? Brad: I sorta thought it might be, but it totally isn't. And b-t-dub, you totally didn't oversell the eggs bennie
Marshall: Right, right?
Brad: I mean, why can't two single bros go out and rock brunch Sunday-morning style.
Marshall: Exactly. Thank you. That's exactly what I've been saying.
Brad: This must be destiny.
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Brad: I have two tickets for Mamma Mia Friday night. You like Abba, right? What am I saying, who doesn't? Anyway, I was gonna take Kara but now, it's all you and me. We're gonna do Broadway, bro-style. What do you say?
Marshall: Yeah!
(Marshall looks excited and then starts thinking about it)
INT. BARNEY'S BEDROOM
(Barney sleeping on bed under blanket with girl lying next to him, Barney wakes up)
Barney: Hey. Did the cold wake you?
Girl: No. I've just been watching you sleep.
Barney: Did you try to take a shower? Sorry I have only one clean towel.
Girl: I don't buy into the myth that we need to shower everyday.
Barney: OK, I'd offer you some coffee but I don't have any so you're gonna have to...
Girl: I'm boycotting coffee. You might as drink the tears of a Colombian peasant farmer. God, I love this place. It's a good thing I don't have a job 'cause I could stay here all day.
(Girl hugs Barney)
INT. BARNEY'S HALLWAY
(Barney walks toward his bookshelf)
Barney: I think I left something on the bookshelf.
(Barney turns on light)
Barney: Whoa, whoops, oh no, oh look.
(Barney takes out some DVD's and shows them to girl)
Barney: I'm disgusting.
(Barney hangs down his head)
Girl: Wow, you're open about your sexuality and that's one of the reasons I love you.
(Barney looks at girl suddenly)
Girl: Did I just say that? Oh well. Cat's out of the bag. I love you.
Barney: Whoa. Uh, OK, beep beep, backing up, uh...
(Barney backing up into kitchen area, Lily enters through front door)
Lily: Barney.
(Lily notices Barney with girl)
Lily: Oh.
Girl: Oh my God, are you married? Is this your wife?
Barney: What? No.
(Barney looks at Lily and points at her)
Barney: Yes!
Girl: Yes?
Barney: Yes. (hangs his head)
Girl: You son of a bitch. I can't believe I let you into my sacred temple.
(Girl walks toward front door, Barney pretends to try to stop her)
Barney: Baby, please. No. Oh, you don't understand. What have I done? This is the worst.
(Girl walks out of front door)
Barney: You're not going anywhere.
(back from commercial)
Barney: Wow, that was close. That hippie chick wouldn't leave. She was ready to squat here.
Lily: Well, she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?
Barney: She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment except you. You're better than porn.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: How would you like to extend your stay here? All you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife and scare off the occasional one-night stand. I know, I know, you've got your ethics. You've got your principles.
Lily: I'll do it.
Barney: Really?
Lily: Barney, you've clearly got some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But in my other apartment I would be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.
Barney: I'll take it.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Rbin, Ted and Marshall sitting around a table)
Ted: Mamma Mia?
Marshall: Mamma Mia. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, OK? It won all sorts of Tony's and stuff.
Ted: No, totally, it sounds like a really, really fun, exciting third date.
Robin: Ooh, third date. You know what that means? (makes squeaking sounds)
Marshall: It is not a date, OK? It's two bros taking in a Broadway show.
Ted: You bros gonna get dinner beforehand?
Marshall: We might grab a steak, yeah.
Ted: Mm-hm. Where at? Marshall: Café L'amour.
(Ted and Robin laugh)
Marshall: Brad says the food is really good there, OK?!
Robin: Sounds like Brad has quite the night planned out. You better bring you're A game. That means no granny panties.
Marshall: You know what? You two are just threatened because I'm a single guy moving on your couples turf. Well, guess what, it's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right, Brad and I are taking back Broadway.
Ted: What are you gonna wear?
Marshall: I was thinking like this collared shirt and...
(Ted and Robin laugh)
Marshall: You know what? Shut up.
INT. BARNEY'S APARTMENT
(Barney and another girl sitting in dining area, reading the newspaper)
Barney: Can you pass the Arts & Leisure?
(Girl passes newspaper section to Barney, Barney takes paper and looks at the door)
Barney (a little more loudly): Can you pass the Arts & Leisure.
Girl #2: I just did.
(Lily enters front door)
Lily: Honey, I'm...
(Lily notices Barney sitting with another girl)
Lily: Barney. What the hell is going on here?
Barney: Lily, I can explain
Lily: How could you? In our own home.
(Lily slaps Barney)
Lily: You bastard.
Girl #2: I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
(Girl walks toward front door)
Lily: Get out. This is what I get after working as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school. I got breast implants for you. I...
(Girl walks out front door)
Lily: ...was just about to turn on the tears.
Barney: (clapping) Brava. That was incredible. And that slap was genius, you did not hold back.
Lily: Yeah. That, I just always wanted to do.
Barney: Fair enough. I have to say, it's kinda nice having food around here for a change.
Lily: You know...nah, never mind.
Barney: What? You're my wife, you can tell me anything.
Lily: Well, if you really wanted to sell this ruse, we should try to make this place a little more, you know, homey, like a woman would live here.
Barney: What did you have in mind?
(pillows appear on couch, flowers appear on table behind couch, Barney rolls up golf green, Lily rolls out area rug in its place, Lily looks at Barney and he nods, Barney and Lily argue over Storm trooper versus a plant, Lily brings a cantaloupe over to Barney which he smells, Barney moves Storm trooper to move plant in its place, Barney covers Storm troopers eyes as he moves him out of living room, Lily takes down DVDs from bookshelf and replaces them with books, Lily hands Barney a "Relationships for Dummies" book)
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall walks in front door, Ted walks from kitchen to couch where Robin is)
Ted: You're home. I didn't think we'd be seeing you till tomorrow morning.
Marhall: Ha ha ha ha, It wasn't a date.
(Marshall sits down and looks awkward)
Marshall: OK, it was a date and it got way weird.
(flashback to dinner with Brad, Brad takes out his credit card to pay for dinner)
Marshall: You really don't have to do that.
Brad: No, I insist. You're my guest.
Marshall: Thanks Brad.
Brad: Bro, you got some chocolate on your chin.
(Marshall wipes his chin with his napkin)
Brad: It's still there. I'll get that, bad boy.
(Brad licks his napkin and wipes chocolate of Marshall's chin)
(back to present scene)
Ted: Whoa.
Robin: Well, it could have been worse. It could have fallen in your lap.
Marshall: It gets worse.
(flashback to Brad helping Marshall with his coat)
Marshall: No, I can do it, Brad. OK, thank you.
Brad: So, anyway, it's this Saturday. You wanna come?
Marshall: You want me to go to a wedding with you?
(back to present scene) Ted: OK, that's not too bad. Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like Wedding Crashers.
Robin: Just keep Brad away from the bouquet.
Marshall: It gets worse.
(flashback to Brad talking to Marshall)
Brad: It gets better. The foliage in Vermont this time of year is ridonk.
Marshall: Vermont?
Brad: Yeah, the wedding's at this awesome B & B. Kara and I used to go there. Anyway, there was one room left and we got it. Walt Whitman suite, bro.
(Brad puts out his fist, Marshall hits it with his)
(back to present scene)
Ted: You said no, right? Marshall: Of course.
(flashback to Brad and Marshall)
Brad: I understand. It's cool. It's the first time I was gonna see my college friends since Kara left me. I just...
(Brad starts to cry) Brad: I just miss her so much.
Marshall: I'll go to Vermont with you.
Brad: That's great.
(Brad hugs Marshall)
Brad: You know, they're registered at Pottery Barn. I figured we could go halfsies on a gravy boat.
(back to present scene)
(Robin and Ted laughing)
Ted: Sorry, it's not funny.
Brad: Damn you brunch! This guy's crazy, right?!
Ted: Look, I don't think he's crazy. I just think he's suffering from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. And unfortunately you're his nicotine patch.
Robin: And now you have to do what every dysfunctional couple has to do – break up.
Marshall: You're right, you're right. I promised Brad I'd go to the wedding with him and then that is it.
Ted: Good man.
BARNEY'S BEDROOM (Lily and Barney put pillows on bed)
Lily: I think we made the right decision going for the custom-made Italian sheets.
Barney: Hey, if my bed's gonna suit-up, it's gonna do it right. Wanna give it a whirl?
(Lily jumps onto the bed)
Lily: Oh. Oh.
Barney: All right, I'm gonna head out, hit the bars. What are you gonna do tonight?
Lily: Oh, I was just gonna watch Letterman, but God, this bed is so comfy. I wish you had a TV in here.
(Barney grabs remote and turns on large wall TV0
Lily: OK, seriously, what do you do for a living? Barney: (laughs) Please.
(Barney sits down on bed)
Lily: I thought you were going out.
Barney: After the monologue.
EXT. STREET
Future Ted VO: The next morning as the sun rose over Manhattan, your Uncle Marshall headed over to Brad's apartment to leave for the wedding in Vermont. But when he got there...
(Marshall walking in suit, stops walking)
Marshall: No. No.
(Brad looking at watch holding flowers)
Marshall: No. No! No!
(Marshall takes out his cell phone and makes a call)
Marshall: Ted. Um, Brad got me flowers.
INT. KITCHEN
(Ted walks over to Robin while on phone)
Ted: Hold on. (to Robin) Brad got him flowers.
(Ted and Robin laugh)
Ted: I'm sorry, it just got funny again.
(Marshall hangs up phone and walks toward Brad)
Brad: Oh, hey.
Marshall: You know, Brad, I don't want to hear it. I do like you. And calla lilies are my favorite flower, I don't know how you knew that, I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man, I can't believe that you would...
(Kara walks up to Brad and grabs his arm)
Kara: Hey sweetie.
Brad: Hey.
(Brad and Kara kiss, Brad gives Kara flowers)
Kara: Ohh. (to Marshall) Hey Marshall.
Marshall: Hey Kara. I see you guys are back together now.
Brad: Yeah, happened last night.
(Brad and Kara hug)
Brad: Ah, I'm sorry bro, I should have called you.
Marshall: Yeah you should have.
Brad: I didn't mean to hurt...
Marshall: Don't Brad, just don't.
(Marshall walks away)
Kara: What's with him? Brad: I don't know. I think he's in love with me.
INT. BARNEY'S BEDROOM
(Barney asleep with a girl's arm over him, Barney rolls over towards girl, looks at girl and screams, Lily gets up next to Barney and screams)
Barney: I can't believe we just...you and I...what have we done?
Lily: Nothing. Nothing happened. We, we just went to sleep.
Barney: Just went to sleep? I don't' sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. You spooned me against my will.
Lily: It takes two to cuddle.
(Barney gets out of the bed)
Barney: We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch Letterman and then slept together and didn't have sex. Oh my God, we're in a relationship.
Lily: That's what you think a relationship is?
Barney: You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go.
Lily: Barney, I don't think you're mad at me, you're mad at yourself. You let down your guard and let someone into your life and it actually felt OK. That terrifies you.
Barney: Uh huh, you gotta go.
Lily: Hey, you can't just kick me out. I put a lot of work into this place and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living.
Barney: Certain standard of living?!
(Lily and Barney continue arguing loudly)
Future Ted VO: So, Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, after two weeks of marriage decided to call it quits. Fortunately they reached a settlement. And that's the story of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment.
INT. LILY'S APARTMENT
(Lily sleeping in her crooked bed with nice sheets from Barney's place)
EXT. STREET
(Ted and Marshall walking
Future Ted VO: Marshall ran into Brad again sometime later.
Marshall: Oh my god, it's Brad. Laugh like I said something really funny.
(Ted starts laughing)
Marshall: Right? Right?
Brad: Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Oh, hey, hey, how's it going?
Brad: It's good.
Brad (introducing himself to Ted: Hey, I'm, uh...
Ted: Yeah, I know who you are.
Brad: Well, I gotta go. I got this thing.
Marshall: Yeah, me too, but more important.
Brad: So, I guess I'll see you around.
Marshall: Sure.
Brad: Sure.
(Brad walks away, Ted and Marshall continue walking in opposite direction as Brad)
Marshall: Even if you don't believe it, tell me he looks fat.
(Ted looks back)
Ted: Totally looks fat.