How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
2x06: Aldrin Justice
Original Airdate: 10/23/2006
Written by: Jamie Rhonheimer
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
Future Ted VO: Kids, when you reach your late 20's, you might be surprised to discover you still don't have life quite figured out. Like with Aunt Lily...
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
(Lily and Robin talking on couch)
Future Ted VO: Even though she was back from San Francisco, she was still on a quest to find herself.
Lily: It's just all I've ever done is teach kindergarten. I wanna get out there and change the world. I wanna find my passion.
Future Ted VO: And she did find it.
(Lily enters front door and announces...)
Lily: I'm gonna be a life coach.
Future Ted VO: In fact, she found it again and again.
(Lily enters front door and announces...)
Lily: I'm gonna be a marine biologist.
(Lily enters front door and announces...)
Lily: Slam poet.
(Lily enters front door and announces...)
Lily: Beekeeper.
(Lily enters front door with bee stings all over her arms and announces...)
Lily: Not a beekeeper.
(Robin walks into her living room while talking on her cell phone to Ted)
Robin: Newest lifelong dream, singing in a punk rock band.
(Ted on phone at his apartment)
Ted: What's she doing for money through all this?
(Robin talking on her cell phone)
Robin: Uh, she's waiting tables at Big Wave Luau.
(Ted talking on phone)
Ted: Wait, you mean that Hawaiian place where they wear those embarrassing outfits?
(Robin talking on phone)
Robin: No.
INT. BIG WAVE LUAU
(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Barney sitting at booth, waiter passes out menus to them)
Marshall: Thanks.
(Waiter walks away)
Marshall: Here she comes, here she comes.
(Lily, in Hawaiian outfit, walks over to their table without looking up)
Lily: Welcome to Big Wave Luau, may I take your drink order?
(Lily looks up and notices them sitting in front of her)
Lily: Oh crap.
Robin: I'm sorry.
Barney: Oh hi, Lily, we were just in the neighborhood, thought we'd get some lunch. We didn't even know you'd be here.
(Marshall takes a Polaroid of Lily)
Lily: What do you want?
Ted: Oh, I don't think that's how you're supposed to greet a customer at Big Wave Luau.
Lily: Aloha, island visitors, the big wave brought you to our humble luau. For that we thank you or in my native tongue, mahalo.
Barney: I didn't catch your name. Did you guys catch her name?
Ted, Marshall: No.
Lily: My name is Anuhea. It means cool and fragrant, much like any of our twelve specialty drinks.
Ted: Robin, nothing to add?
Robin: No. Lily is my friend and I'm not gonna make fun of her for trying to follow her dreams.
Lily: Thank you.
Robin: Although you might want to bring out the big Hawaiian drum because I'm pretty sure today is my birthday.
(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Barney clap and jump up and down in their seats)
OPENING CREDITS
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney, Ted and Robin sit at booth, Marshall walks over with a pitcher of beer and four cups)
Marshall: I have never needed beer more than I do right now.
Ted: I thought you said your semester was gonna be a piece of cake. I remember because you were eating a piece of cake at the time and you said, "dude, my semester is gonna be this."
Marshall: Yeah, it was supposed to be but my professor is like the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer, and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney: Really? Laid, you say.
Marshall: You wouldn't be into her. She's like in her late 40s.
Barney: Is she hot? Marshall: Yeah, she's kinda hot, yeah.
Barney: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin: A what? Barney: A cougar, an older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
Ted: What's a woman in her 60's or 70's? A turtle.
Barney: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.
(Lily enters and walks over to their booth)
Lily: So, I quit my job. I just couldn't take it anymore. Approximately fifty times a day some guy asked me for a lei.
Marshall: Classic.
Robin: Ted, didn't you tell me they need a new assistant in your office?
Ted: Yeah, somebody did just quit.
(flashback to Ted leaving his office with two of his co-workers)
Ted: So, where should we eat today?
(Ted turns around and sees assistant opening her large Tupperware full of food)
Ted: Oh, awesome, you brought lunch for everyone?
(Assistant looks upset and gets up and walks away)
(back to present scene)
(Everyone groans)
Marshall: Dude, that is cold-blooded.
Ted: It was an honest mistake. Look, when somebody opens up a container with an entire chicken in it, it's OK to assume they made lunch for everyone.
Robin: Ted, that girl didn't quit. You destroyed her.
Ted: It was a whole chicken. And did I mention that she had twelve sides?
Barney: Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. Real classy, Ted.
Ted: So, Lily, what do you say, do you want the job?
Lily: What would I be doing?
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(Ted showing Lily around the office)
Ted: Basically you're sort of a general office assistant. You'll sit there. My station is right over here. And, uh, things are a little bit crazy right now 'cause we're pitching a new building to a big client.
Lily: Oh, right, is that the ...?
Ted: Yeah, here's the model.
(Ted lifts up a dark cloth covering the model so Lily can see it)
Lily: Oh, you weren't kidding. It really does look like a giant penis.
Ted: I know. For whatever reason, Mr. Druthers just doesn't see it.
Lily: How can he not see it? I mean, there's the ...
Ted: I know.
Lily: And the way it...
Ted: I know.
Lily: And the two little...
Ted: I know.
Lily: Wow, it is just...
(Mr. Druthers walks up behind them)
Druthers: Spectacular? Why, thank you.
Ted: Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Uh, Lily's gonna be our new office assistant.
Druthers: Ah.
Lily: Nice to meet you.
(Lily extends her hand, Mr. Druthers shakes it)
Druthers: Isn't it?
Druthers: Ted, I looked at your design for the penthouse balcony. Tell me, do you want to be an architect? Ted: I, uh, I am an architect.
Druthers: Really. My six-year-old nephew plays with Legos. Is he an architect?
Ted: Not unless he somehow passed all his licensing exams.
Druthers: Ted, you've got promise, but you have to study what I do more carefully. Now, I want you to design some Styrofoam trees for the building model. Think you can handle that?
Ted: Absolutely.
Druthers: So, you are going to design the...?
Ted: Styrofoam trees
Druthers: Once again, with feeling.
Ted: Styrofoam trees.
Druthers: Styrofoam! Trees!
Ted: Styrofoam trees!
Druthers: That's the spirit. Now gather around.
(Ted notices that no one else is around so he steps a little closer to Mr. Druthers)
Druthers: This isn't just about trees, Ted, this is about life. And sometimes in life, you have to get the trees just right, or you're fired.
(Mr. Druthers walks away)
Lily: Man, that guy is a total, well...
(Lily points over to covered model)
INT. MARSHALL'S LAW SCHOOL
(Marshall and Barney walk towards Professor Lewis's office)
Marshall: OK, wait wait wait wait, that's Professor Lewis's office there.
Barney: OK, let's take a look.
(Barney and Marshall peer at Professor Lewis through her open door behind a large plant)
Barney: Oh yeah, it's a cougar all right. Fine specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair.
(subtitled "the hair,' camera focuses on the back of Professor Lewis's hairstyle)
Barney: The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now the blouse.
(subtitled "the blouse,' camera focuses on Professor Lewis's low-cut blouse)
Barney: The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws...
(subtitled, 'the claws,' camera focuses on Professor Lewis's nails)
Barney: ...long and sharp to ward off rival females or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut.
(Barney and Marshall stand up from hiding behind the plant)
Barney: OK, let the hunt begin.
(Barney walks towards Professor Lewis's office, Marshall stops him)
Marshall: No, wait. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law professor.
Barney: Who would you rather have grading your papers? A savage man-eating jungle cat or a purring satisfied kitty?
Marshall: Go Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.
(Barney walks into Professor Lewis's office)
Barney: (in Italian accent) Scusi. I am Luigi, Italian exchange student. I was, um, walking to class, but then I notice you, bella principessa
Professor Lewis: Tell me what you want and get out.
Barney: Direct, I like that. The name's Barney. What I want is you.
Professor Lewis: Turn around.
(Barney turns around)
Professor Lewis: My place, two hours, don't be tardy.
(Professor Lewis writes on a small piece of paper and gives it to Barney, Barney takes it and walks out of her office)
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily, Robin and Ted sit at table)
Lily: I can't believe how Mr. Druthers treats people. And that building, talk about overcompensating.
Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that the partners have made it very clear that this project is make or break for us so lately he's been a little testy.
(Robin and Lily look at each other and smile)
Ted: You know what I mean, crotchety.
(Robin and Lily look at each other and laugh)
Ted: I'm just saying it's been hard on him.
(Robin and Lily look at each other and laugh even harder)
Ted: All right, stop.
Robin: Did you show Lily your design?
Ted: No.
Lily: What design?
Ted: It's nothing.
Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia, at least not healthy male genitalia.
Lily: Ted, you should pitch your building to Druthers.
Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers, he's a legend. I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm so it's really important we don't blow it.
(Lily and Robin laugh)
Ted: All right, enough.
INT. PROFESSOR LEWIS'S BEDROOM
(Professor Lewis and Barney lie next to each other in bed)
Barney: Oh my God. Incredible.
Professor Lewis: Hmph. C-.
Barney: C-? What are you talking about? I pulled an all-nighter.
Professor Lewis: You didn't budget your time well. You glossed over some of the most important points. And your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(Lily walks over to Ted's work area where he's working on Styrofoam trees)
Lily: Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Stared at me until I laughed.
Ted: OK, I'm done.
Lily: Great, I'll put the paints away, you just go show him.
Ted: Great, thanks.
(Ted walks away with his trees, Lily tidies up his work area)
INT. MR. DRUTHERS' OFFICE
(Ted walks in with Styrofoam trees)
Druthers: Finally. I wondered whether you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own.
(Ted laughs politely)
Ted: Good one, sir. Uh, anyway, here they are.
(Ted puts his trees down on Druthers' desk)
Druthers: Hmm. Too green.
Ted: Too green?
Druthers: Yes, The leaves should really be more of a natural brown color, almost brunette. And think, bushier. See, I want this tower to rise from a thicket of wild, ungroomed brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted? Ted: I can't unpicture it.
Druthers: Good.
(Mr. Druthers turns away while Ted picks up his trees to leave, Mr. Druthers gets up and walks to table behind him)
Druthers: Oh my God, it's gone.
Ted: What? What's gone.
Druthers: My baseball, signed three times by Pete Rose.
Ted: Well, it's gotta to be around here somewhere.
Druthers: What do you think, Ted? It just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away? Somebody stole it.
Ted: Well, uh, I better get back to these Styrofoam trees.
Druthers: Oh, who cares about the trees. It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.
Ted: Inspiring as always, sir.
(Ted leaves Mr. Druthers' office)
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(Ted walks back over to his work area)
Ted: Lily? Where did she put those paints?
(Ted puts down his Styrofoam trees and walks over to Lily's desk, opens up top drawer looking for paints, opens middle drawer and baseball rolls forward)
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted sitting at booth, Lily walks in and sits down across from him)
Lily: Hey.
Ted: Hey. Um, Lily, question for you. Why did I find Mr. Druthers's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?
Lily: That's easy. I took it.
Ted: Why?
Lily: It's simple.
(flashback to Mr. Druthers eating lunch and Lily overhearing him berating sandwich delivery guy)
Druthers: I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef. I guess you were sick the day they taught that at Sandwich University.
(flashback to Lily in Mr. Druthers' office while he makes phone call)
Druthers: Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you. I didn't get you a birthday present.
(flashback to Mr. Druthers knocking ice cream off a little boy's ice cream cone)
Druthers: What? You gonna cry? Huh? Little crybaby's gonna cry? Hey, everybody look! Little crybaby's gonna cry!
(Mr. Druthers making crying sounds) Druthers: I lost my ice cream.
(back to present scene)
Lily: OK, I may have exaggerated that last one. The point is, he was mean. That's why I took away his ball.
Ted: What does this ball have to do with anything?
Lily: Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first, but then he'd learn to stop being mean.
(Robin walks in and sits down next to Ted)
Robin: Hey, guys, what's going on?
Ted: Lily stole my boss's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Robin: Why? Was he being mean?
(Lily nods)
Ted: You know about this?
Robin: Yeah, it's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about the time at The Gap?
Lily: Ooh, that was a good one. The salesguy was rude to Robin so I took a pair of khakis.
Robin: I gave them to you for your birthday.
Ted: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?
Lily: Well, I prefer to call them justice khakis.
Ted: It's not justice, it's shoplifting and it's a crime.
Lily: So is being mean.
Ted: Lily, your little system doesn't even make sense. In kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished. Druthers just thinks someone stole his ball.
Lily: Well, that's why I left a note.
Ted: A note? Lily: Yeah. When he finds it, he'll understand why his ball was taken away, he'll stop being mean, and the office will be an nicer place to work. Maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas.
Ted: Look, Lil, we're all tolerating this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny, but this is my career you're messing with.
Lily: I'm not sure I like your tone. You know what, now you've just lost the ball.
(Lily takes the baseball and leaves)
INT. APARTMENT
(Barney enters front door, Marshall is studying at table)
Barney: Hey.
Marshall: I'd ask you how last night went but we had a pop quiz today. No one got higher than a C-
Barney: I know, I know.
Marshall: You claim to have so much sex, I only assumed you'd be good at it.
Barney: Look, I miscalculated. I thought she'd be old and fragile like most cougars. But kitty's got claws. Don't worry though, tonight, I'm seeing her again.
Marshall: Ah, Just let it go, man, you're making things worse.
Barney: I promise you, after tonight, that cougar will be my pet and I its master.
INT. PROFESSOR LEWIS' BEDROOM
(Barney and Professor Lewis lying in bed)
Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you.
Professor Lewis: Oh, God, that wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.
Barney: No, we had sex yesterday.
Professor Lewis: Oh, right, that. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(Ted and Lily standing in hallway next to Mr. Druthers' office)
Ted: When Druthers goes to get his bagel, I'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back. If something goes wrong, yell out "who wants espresso?" so I'll know he's coming. Got it?
Ted: Give me the ball.
Lily: No.
Ted: What do you mean no?
Lily: I mean, I stand by what I did, Ted.
(Mr. Druthers walks past Ted and Lily)
Druthers: Everybody get in here now.
Lily: Who wants espresso?
(Ted and Lily follow Mr. Druthers, everyone sits or stands around Mr. Druthers in common area) Druthers: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose Pete Rose Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note. (reading) Dear Mr. Druthers, I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your ipod talking and he may shuffle off at any minute.
(Lily smiles and nudges Ted)
Druthers: Now, normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but, maybe that's the wrong reaction here.
Lily: Interesting.
Druthers: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick or tomorrow morning I'll begin firing three people an hour. And if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose, major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is travesty to the entire sports world, ever allegedly did.
(Mr. Druthers walks away)
Lily: Wow, looks like bye-bye ipod.
Ted: Give me his ball back right now. People are gonna get fired.
Lily: No they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.
Ted: This isn't kindergarten. Mr. Druthers is an adult and he wants his ball back.
Lily: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.
Ted: Uh, no, you'll give it back or you're fired.
Lily: I'm sorry, Ted, I just can't do that.
Ted: Then you're fired.
Lily: Fine.
(Lily turns around to pick up the baseball and gives it to Ted)
Lily: Here's the ball. At least you have one now.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall sitting at booth studying, Barney walks in while eating a Power Bar)
Marshall: Dude, you're killing me. You didn't tame the cougar, you just made her angrier.
Barney: Did you not see the Power bar in my hand? I'm fueling up.
Marshall: So, you're going back over there?
Barney: Oh yeah, and tonight, just like John Mellencamp, I'm gonna get rid of the cougar once and for all. Get it? 'Cause that's what he did with his name.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE PROFESSOR LEWIS'S APARTMENT
(Barney walking toward Professor Lewis's front door while guzzling down six-pack of Red Bull, tosses Red Bull aside and pounds his chest and slaps himself on the face, Barney pounds on front door, Professor Lewis opens door)
Barney: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.
Professor Lewis: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I wanna do when I get home.
Barney: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you. Holding back 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. This time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes, days, weeks, half a year.
Professor Lewis: Fine, come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.
(Barney walks into her apartment)
INT. TED'S WORKPLACE
(Everyone getting ready for clients to come, Mr. Druthers orders people around)
Druthers: Hurry up. Clients will be here any moment. Now slide it closer to his chair. I want this thing to really smack him in the face.
(Mr. Druthers sits down at table while Ted and coworker put covered model right in front of him)
Ted: Mr. Druthers, thank you again for understanding about Lily.
Druthers: Oh, well, I pity her. I mean, to steal from my office and then write that slanderous note. You might say that Lily was mentally deranged. You might say that Ted.
Ted: Lily was mentally deranged.
Druthers: You might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear.
Ted: (louder) Lily was mentally deranged.
(Mr. Druthers stands up)
Druthers: Whoa, that's a bit harsh, don't you think, Ted?
Office Worker: Clients are here.
Druthers: Excellent, bring them in.
(Some men enter the office and shake hands with Mr. Druthers, Druthers sits them down at the table the model is resting on)
Future Ted VO: Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the Northwest.
Druthers: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane National Bank Building.
(Mr. Druthers uncovers model)
Client: That's a penis.
Druthers: That's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love.
Client: I'm not building a penis. You got any other ideas?
Druthers: Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers.
Client: Well, hats off to your lady friends, but I'm not building it. We're done here.
(Client gets up to leave)
Future Ted VO: The trajectory of my entire career might have been different had I not unwittingly worn my justice khakis that day.
Ted: Wait, we have one more idea for you.
Druthers: Ted, what are you doing? Ted: I have another design.
Druthers: Sit down, shut up right now.
Ted: No.
(Ted grabs rolled up paper from his desk area and brings it over to Client and unrolls it for him to see his design)
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted sitting on bar while people stand in front of him holding champagne glasses)
Robin: To Ted, the youngest person to ever design a building over seventy stories, probably.
Everyone: Probably!
(People clink glasses and drink)
Lily: Congrats, Ted.
(Ted jumps down from bar)
Ted: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Lily: Ah, you know what Ted, that was very nice. You have earned these screws back. Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.
Ted: Hey, I'm project manager now, so if you want your old job back...
Lily: No thanks. I think I figured out what I wanna be when I grow up.
INT. KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM
(Lily teaching some kids at table, notices boy knocking down tower with his inflated saxophone)
Lily: Casey, that's not how we treat people. You'll get this back when you learn to be nice.
(Lily takes away toy saxophone from boy)
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
(Ted, Robin, Lily and Marshall enter hospital room to find Barney lying in hospital bed with Professor Lewis standing next to him)
Robin: Barney! Oh my God!
Ted: What happened? Professor Lewis: He broke his hip.
Barney: That's not true. It's just temporarily dislocated. Seriously, I'm fine.
Professor Lewis: He's not fine.
Marshall: Professor Lewis, hi.
Professor Lewis: Mr. Ericksen, hello, I graded your paper tonight. I was pleasantly surprised.
Barney: Yeah she was.
Professor Lewis: B+.
(Professor Lewis leaves)
Barney: B+? Marshall, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physical therapy, I am gonna get you that A.
Marshall: Let her go, she belongs out there in the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar and lived.
Barney: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides.