How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
2x07: Swarley
Original Airdate: 11/6/2006
Written by: Greg Malins
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
INT. COFFEE SHOP
(Marshall, Ted and Barney sitting while holding their coffee, looking bored, Barney looks at his watch)
Ted: So, I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place, not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
(Marshall and Barney take a drink of their coffee, Ted notices something on Marshall's cup)
Ted: What's that? Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name. (singing) Somebody has a crush on you.
Barney: (singing) Somebody thinks you're me.
Marshall: You really think she likes me? I mean, I guess it's not that surprising. Every time I come in here I do totally crack her up.
(flashback '3 weeks ago,' Marshall getting his coffee at the counter)
Chloe: Marshall, here's your pumpkin latte.
Marshall: Wow, how'd you fit a pumpkin into this little cup?
(Chloe laughs)
(forward to '8 days ago,' Marshall in line behind guy at counter ordering coffee)
Guy: I'll have a pumpkin latte.
Marshall: How do they even fit a pumpkin into those little cups? What, you got a shrink ray back there?
(Chloe laughs)
(forward to 'yesterday,' Marshall at counter talking to Chloe)
Marshall: Hey, remember that time I said that thing about how do they fit a pumpkin into the little cup?
Chloe: Which time?
Marshall: The first time.
(Chloe laughing)
Chloe: Yeah, that was really funny.
Marshall: Right?
(back to present scene)
Ted: All right, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that. One, it's the first joke she's ever heard. Or two, she likes you. You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think? Ted: Yeah, that's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: What if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says Ted, no heart.
Barney: Mine says Swarley. How'd they get Swarley from Barney? It's not even a name.
Who would ever be called Swarley?
(Ted and Marshall look at each other and smile)
Barney: Oh please don't start calling me Swarley.
(Barney gets up to leave)
Barney: This would never happen in a bar.
Ted: Man, what's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know, you almost never see old Swarles get that upset.
Ted: Psshh. OPENING CREDITS
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
(Robin walking around in her apartment while on the phone, Ted enters through front door)
Ted: Hey, guess what?
(Robin turns around and Ted notices that she's on the phone)
Ted: Sorry.
(Robin puts phone down against her chest)
Robin: It's only my mom. She's just rambling on like always.
Robin: (into phone) Uh-huh.
(Robin puts phone down against her chest)
Robin: What happened?
Ted: Marshall asked out a girl.
Robin: Wow.
Robin: (into phone) Well, if anything, that's dad's fault.
(Robin puts phone back down against her chest)
Robin: That'll keep her going a while.
Ted: Oh, of course, uh, you know, he had a little help.
Robin: Swarley hooked him up?
Ted: Oh, good, you got my text.
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: Oh, no. It was me. I gave Marshall one of my secrets.
(flashback to Ted and Marshall at coffee shop, Ted sitting on chair, Marshall comes back and sits down with him)
Ted: So, what did she say?
Marshall: Nothing. I don't think she heard me. It's pretty busy up there.
(Ted stands up)
Ted: What, you gave her the look, right?. Head down, eyes looking up, hands in pockets, shoulders up, head slightly tilted conveying shy vulnerability.
(Ted poses as he talks about how to convey shy vulnerability)
Marshall: I think so.
(flashback to Marshall standing at counter uncomfortably trying to stand like Ted)
(back to Marshall sitting and Ted standing)
Marshall: Could we just go?
(Marshall stands up, Ted and Marshall walk toward front door) Coffee guy: Pumpkin latte for Marshall.
(Marshall and Ted stop)
Marshall: I didn't order that.
(Marshall walks over to counter to pick up latte, Chloe looks back at Marshall, Marshall turns around to Ted with smile on face)
Marshall: Phone number.
(back to present scene)
Robin: I love that look. I think I slept with you because of that look. And it's fake?
Ted: Oh, and you biting your lower lip, shyly looking away and thrusting you chest out is natural?
Robin: Yeah, I hear ya.
(knock on door, Lily walks in through front door)
Ted: Hey.
Lily: Hey guys. Are you free tomorrow night? I was thinking of having a wine tasting slash help me catch the rat in my apartment party.
Ted: That's great idea. You can put out cheese for both.
Lily: I should invite Marshall, right? It'd be weird if I didn't.
Ted: Yeah, I don't think he can go.
Lily: Really? Why not? Robin: Uh, OK, um, Lily, we have to tell you something. Marshall has a date.
Lily: Oh! Well, good for him.
Ted: Really? You're OK with it?
Lily: Look, we've been broken up almost six months. I mean, not thrilled with the idea but he has every right to date someone else.
Robin: That's very mature.
Lily: Why are you holding the phone?
Robin: Oh, shoot.
(Robin puts phone up to ear)
Robin: (laughs) That's hilarious, mom.
(Robin puts phone back down)
Robin: Didn't even notice.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted walks over to Barney sitting at table and sits down)
Ted: Hey, dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric, is it foreign or something?
Barney: Wow, it is foreign. I'm impressed Ted. It's Moroccan actually.
Ted: Whoa.
Carl: I got a call for Swarley? Is a Swarley here?
Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
Carl: Swarley! Ted: (talking into his cell phone) Yeah, I know he's there, it's really important. Could you ask again? Carl: Important call for Swarley.
(Marshall and Chloe walk in)
Marshall: Geez, can't you hear him, Swarley? There's a call for you.
Barney: Stop calling me that.
Marshall: I'd like you guys to officially meet Chloe.
(Ted stands up and shakes hands with Chloe, sits back down)
Ted: Hi.
(Barney shakes hands with Chloe)
Barney: Hi.
Chloe: It's nice to meet you guys. I'll be right back.
Marshall: Yeah, it's right back here.
(Chloe walks away, Marshall sits down with Ted and Barney)
Marshall: Right? Right? She's hot, and she likes me. She likes Italian, I also like Italian food. She likes Billy Joel, I also like ... music. And I think, we're gonna go out again.
Barney: Yeah, you gotta' ditch her.
Ted: Obviously.
Marshall: What? Why?
Barney: She's got the crazy eyes.
Ted: Dude, the eyes, they're crazy.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the crazy eyes?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupii.
Ted: No, just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability.
Marshall: She does not have the crazy eyes.
Ted: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with haven't-been-laid-in-a-while blindness.
Barney: She was too far away in the coffee place but when I saw her up close just now.
(flashback to meeting Chloe)
Marshall: I'd like you guys to officially meet Chloe.
Ted: Hi.
Barney: Hi.
(close up of Chloe with crazy eyes)
Chloe: It's nice to meet you guys.
(back to present scene)
Marshall: You guys, I'm not gonna stop dating Chloe just because you think she has the crazy eyes.
Barney: You can keep going out with her but you're going to regret it. One time I met a girl at this very bar.
(flashback of Barney sitting at table with blonde girl)
Barney VO: I saw that she had the crazy eyes.
(close up girl with crazy eyes)
Barney VO: But I ignored it and then sure enough.
(Barney and Girl lie on her bed kissing)
Girl: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney: Anything.
Girl: Would you like to have a threesome?
Barney: Of course.
Girl: Great, it'd be me, you, and Mr. Weasels.
(Girl holds up teddy bear)
(back to present scene)
Ted: So, did you do it? Barney: No, it ended up being just a twosome with the third one watching from a chair?
Ted: Which one were you? Barney: I'd rather not say.
Ted: Look, there was a time I didn't believe in the crazy eyes either. And then I met Jeanine.
(flashback to Ted and Jeanine sitting at booth)
Ted VO: She had serious crazy eyes.
(close up of Jeanine with crazy eyes)
Ted VO: I told myself I was just imagining it, but then...
(Ted and Jeanine walking outside)
Ted: So should we go get a drink?
Jeanine: As long as it's in your apartment.
(car stops suddenly in front of them)
Driver: I'm sorry.
(Jeanine hits car with big stick with each word she says)
Jeanine: Watch ... where ... you're ... going.
(Jeanine drops stick and walks back over to Ted)
Jeanine: So, where do you live?
(back to present scene)
Marshall: You guys, Chloe is not gonna do any of that stuff. She's a nice girl from Nebraska. She's not crazy. She's, she's awesome.
Future Ted VO: But you can't avoid the crazy eyes forever. Sooner or later the crazy ccmes bubbling to the surface.
INT. MARSHALL'S LAW SCHOOL
(Marshall walking in hallway while on cell phone)
Marshall: Hello.
Chloe: Marshall, it's Chloe.
Marshall: Are you the one who's called me like nine times?
Chloe: Yeah, could you come get me?
Marshall: I'm in the middle of taking a test.
Chloe: Please, I'm so scared.
Marshall: Well, what's going on?
Chloe: This weird midget guy started following me and he was screaming at me and he had a limp and big hump on his back, and the police didn't believe me. And I almost got trampled by a horse and... God, I must sound totally crazy to you right now.
Marshall: No. Pfftt. Not at all.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Ted and Barney sit at booth)
Ted: So she's needy crazy. That's one of the worst kinds.
Barney: I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks, her dad died twice.
Marshall: Guys, she was really freaked out, OK? Maybe the story is true.
Barney: What in the world would make you believe
Marshall: She's really hot.
Barney: They always are.
(Wendy the waitress walks over to their booth)
Wendy: You all done with that, Ted?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ned, I told you to call him Ned.
Ted: (laughs) That's just sad.
Wendy: Sorry Swarley.
(Wendy walks away)
INT. APARTMENT
(Chloe walking around the living room, Marshall in kitchen)
Chloe: So, do just you and Ted live here or does Swarley live here too?
INT. KITCHEN
(Marshall talking to Chloe in living room)
Marshall: Nah, Swarley has his own place.
(sound of something breaking comes from living room)
Marshall: What was that? Chloe: I, uh, dropped my keys.
Marshall: Oh.
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall walks into living room from kitchen holding two drinks)
Marshall: So here you go. Two pumpkin beers.
(Chloe laughs)
Marshall: Just joking, they're regular beers.
(Marshall looks past Chloe and notices something, Chloe looks behind her)
Marshall: What is that?
(Marshall puts his beer down on table, walks over to find framed picture on ground with glass broken)
Marshall: This picture is broken.
Chloe: Oh, that's too bad. Is that Lily? Is that the girl you were gonna marry?
Marshall: Yeah. Is that what that sound was? Did you just smash this?
Chloe: No. Why would I do that?
(Chloe sits down)
Marshall: Let me look into your eyes.
(Marshall sits down next to Chloe)
Chloe: OK.
(Marshall stares into Chloe's eyes)
Chloe: I had a really nice time tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, me too. Stop blinking.
Chloe: I like your eyes a lot too.
(Chloe gets closer to Marshall about to kiss him)
Lily: Stop!
(Lily jumps up from behind couch and in between Chloe and Marshall)
Lily: Hi, I'm Lily.
(back from commercial, Chloe leans in towards Marshall, Lily jumps in between them, picture freezes with Lily mid-air)
Lily: Stop!
Future Ted VO: Now, I know Aunt Lily hiding in the apartment while Uncle Marshall was on a date with another girl seems pretty crazy, but when you hear her side of the story, well, it's still pretty crazy.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney and Lily at bar, Robin approaches them)
Robin: What's up, Swarles?
Barney: No, OK, no, no more, I will not let this become a thing. It's over. No more Swarley. No Swarles. No more Swar-lay. No more Swar, wait for it, ley. No more Bob Swarleymon. No more. No. It's over. Do you understand?
Robin, Lily: Yes.
Barney: Thank you.
(Barney walks away, sign saying "call me Swarley" with happy face taped on his back)
Lily: Why didn't you call me?
Robin: Was I supposed to call you?
Lily: Yes, about the whole Marshall dating another girl thing.
Robin: You said you were fine with it.
Lily: Yeah, in front of Ted. But then I shot you a look.
Robin: What look? Lily: This.
(Lily looks down, then looks toward Robin and then looks back down quickly)
Robin: That doesn't seem like a look.
Lily: Yes it is. It means I'm upset, call me later.
Robin: You should have pulled me aside and told me what the look meant.
Lily: If I pulled you aside, I wouldn't need the look.
Robin: Well, maybe if it was a more distinctive...
Lily: OK, look, look, look...What's important is I can't stand the idea of Marshall dating another woman. I mean, what if he falls in love with her?
Robin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Ted says she has the crazy eyes.
Lily: What's that?
Robin: Apparently a thing women have that guys can see and it tells them the girl is crazy.
Lily: Oh, kinda like how you never wanna date a guy with perfect fingernails.
Robin: Jerk nails, exactly.
Lily: Did Ted say whether she was good-looking? I mean, 'cause if I knew if she was ugly, then maybe I wouldn't be so freaked out.
Robin: He didn't say. But you can find out. I think her name is Chloe, she works at Cosa Coffee on 78th.
Carl: Phone call for Swarles Barkley.
Robin: Carl.
(Carl passes phone to Robin)
Robin: Hey, Ted, no, he's not here. Good one though, remember that one.
INT. COFFEE PLACE
(Lily enters front door wearing cap and big backpack and holding coat, walks up to counter)
Lily: Is, um, Chloe here?
Coffee guy: She just left. You can probably still catch her. She's easy to spot. She's got a pink umbrella.
Lily: Oh, thanks, Brian.
Coffee guy: My name's Scott.
Lily: Your tag says Brian.
Coffee guy: I know, funny story. So, I wake up this morning...
Lily: Yeah, see you later, Brian.
(Lily walks away, lightning flashes outside so Lily puts on her coat)
EXT. COFFEE PLACE
(Lily walks out of coffee place holding coat over head, spots Chloe under pink umbrella and follow her)
Lily: (to self) There she is. She doesn't look that great. She's not fat, but that doesn't mean anything. I know tons of skinny ugly women. That's right, snotty girl in my yoga class, I'm talking to you. Come on, Chloe, turn around. Here we go.
(Chloe stops to look inside window)
Lily: (to self) Turn around, Chloe. Come on, show me that hideous face.
(Chloe continues walking without turning towards Lily) Lily: (to self) Dammit. I know, I'll get ahead of her then I'll cut back so I can...
(Lily runs into metal water spigot with her right leg)
Lily: (to self) Ah! Oh my God, that hurts. Turn around. Come on, just turn around. This is ridiculous.
(Lily continues following Chloe with limp)
Lily: (yelling at Chloe in low voice) Hey.
Lily: (to self) Turn around, what's the matter with you? Lily: (yelling at Chloe in low voice) Hey you! Turn around. Turn around, Chloe.
(Chloe turns around and sees Lily hunched under her coat and limping, then runs the other way)
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Robin and Lily sitting in booth)
Robin: She's hot? I'm so sorry.
Lily: No, it's fine. It just makes things easier. Now that I know she's a threat, all I have to do is keep Marshall from ever seeing her again. OK, I have two plans. You can help me choose. Plan A, remember that time Marshall and I had sex in the bathroom? Oops, I got knocked up.
Robin: Lily.
Lily: OK, Plan B is called Chloe's accident.
Robin: Just stop. Lily, you can't do any of those things. I mean, if you two are ever gonna get back together you have to let him work out whatever this is.
Lily: I know, you're right.
Robin: Come on. Ted asked us to be upstairs at six. Some surprise for Barney.
Lily: Barney?
Robin: Swarley.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted and Barney in apartment, Robin and Lily enter through front door)
Ted: Hey guys.
Lily: Hey. Where's Marshall? Ted: Uh, he's getting a haircut.
Lily: Oh, for his date. Good for him. I hope he has a good time tonight.
Barney: Relax, you have nothing to worry about, the girl's crazy.
Lily: Thanks.
Barney: He'll just have wild monkey sex with her five times max and be done with her.
Lily: Thanks again.
Barney: What are you doing?
Ted: I just wanted to listen to a little music, that's all.
Radio deejay: And this next one is going out to Swarley. All your friends know you miss Barney, but he's gone. And you gotta accept that, baby. And Swarley, you're gonna be a better woman for it. Here is I am woman, by Helen Redding.
Barney: Ha ha, now I'm a woman. I love it. You know, I was thinking about this whole new name thing.last night, you know what I realize. I like it.
Robin: You like being called Swarley?
Barney: Are you kidding? I want you to call me that.
Ted: You really think this is gonna work.
Barney: What's gonna work? I'm just saying, I love my new name, so only call me that from now on.
Ted: Call you what? Barney: You know, that new name you've been calling me.
Ted: Say it.
Barney: Why? You guys know what it is.
Ted: Say the name.
Barney: No, I don't want to! I hate it! I hate it! It's not funny. Never been funny! I've never done anything...no!
(Barney stomps out of the apartment and slams the front door)
Ted: Man, he's really gonna lose it when all the magazine subscriptions start coming in.
Robin: I signed him up for People in Espanol but I addressed it to Swarlos.
Lily: Hey, where's the picture of Marshall and me at the pier? Didn't it used to be by that window?
Ted: Oh, yeah, He, uh, he sorta took it down when you left. Put it behind some books, I think.
Lily: Oh, well, maybe I should put it back up.
Ted: Why? So Chloe will see it and get scared off?
Lily: No. So Marshall will see it and feel guilty.
(Ted and Robin look at Lily)
Lily: Yeah, OK
Future Ted VO: But she wasn't OK. Later that night while Marshall was on his date, Lily came back.
(Lily enters dark empty apartment, finds framed picture behind books and puts it on piano, sound of keys jangling come from outside front door, Lily turns around and picture drops and frame shatters, Lily pushes shards under table, Lily hides behind couch, front door opens, Chloe and Marshall enter)
Chloe: ...anymore. Pretty impressive, huh?
Marshall: Wow, you really did memorize all the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Marshall: Can I get you a drink? Chloe: I'd love a beer.
Marshall: You got it.
(Marshall walks into kitchen, Chloe walks towards couch)
Future Ted VO: Lily did what any sensible woman would do. She hid under the desk.
(Lily hides under desk) Future Ted VO: And she stayed there listening to her ex-fiance on a date with another woman.
Chloe: I had a really nice time tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, me too. Stop blinking.
Chloe: I like your eyes a lot too.
Future Ted VO: Until finally, much like Billy Joel, she couldn't take it anymore.
Lily: Stop!
(Lily leaps over couch between Chloe and Marshall)
Lily: Hi, I'm Lily.
(Lily puts hand out and shakes Chloe's hand)
Marshall: Lily, Lily, what the hell are you doing?
Lily: I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. Pumpkin beer, that was a good one. I'm just, I'm gonna go. I'm so sorry. Enjoy the rest of your date.
(Lily walks out front door)
Chloe: She seems nice.
EXT. APARTMENT
(Lily sits on steps in front of building crying, Marshall walks down steps and sits down next to her)
Marshall: Lily, what the hell? Lily: I'm sorry. I only snuck up there because when I saw how cute she was yesterday, I freaked out.
Marshall: You saw her yesterday? Lily: Yeah, I kinda chased her down the street.
Marshall: Wait, so you were the hunchback with the limp?
Lily: Yeah. And she didn't break the picture, I did.
Marshall: So Chloe's not crazy, she's just a nice, normal girl.
Lily: Yeah, she is. And you deserve a nice, normal girl. So, why don't you just go back up there and finish your date? Marshall: Yeah. OK. Wait, if you were the hunchback, then why did she think you were a guy?
Lily: I might have used a voice (speaking in low voice) that sounded like this.
Marshall: Why?
Lily: Because I didn't want her to know it was me, which I now realize doesn't make sense cuz she hadn't even met me.
Marshall: You're crazy. You have crazier eyes than anybody that I have ever met.
Lily: Shouldn't you be going back upstairs?
Marshall: I mean, you're out of your mind. You're just absolutely insane.
Lily: Shouldn't you be going back upstairs? Marshall: I missed you so much.
(Marshall and Lily kiss)
(Barney and Ted walk down the street toward building)
Ted: OK, I read about a move and we decided to give you a choice. We will agree to stop calling you Swarley, but instead we'll call you Jennifer. Well? Barney: I'm thinking. How about this? On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you...
Ted: Hey, look at this.
(Ted sees Marshall and Lily on steps hugging)
Future Ted VO: So, right there, in the same exact place that six months earlier I had walked up and found Marshall alone, crying over his break up with Lily, I found him again, only this time he wasn't alone, and he was happy.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted, Robin, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit at booth and toast with beers)
Future Ted VO: So we went to the bar to celebrate, and it was great. I was with Robin. Marshall and Lily were back together. And Barney had a cool new name. All was right with the world.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted, Robin, Lily, Marshall and Barney enter apartment through front door, apartment is in mess, Chloe is still sitting on the couch)
Future Ted VO: Until we got back to the apartment.
Robin: Oh my God.
Marshall: Hey, Chloe, I guess I forgot I left you up here.
Chloe: I was gonna leave, but I can't find my keys.
Marshall: They're right there, on the coffee table.
(Chloe laughs)
Chloe: Silly me. I must have looked everywhere else.
(Chloe picks up keys from coffee table and purse from couch and gets up to leave)
Chloe: Well, I'm just gonna go. Oh, I don't think we've met. I'm Chloe.
(Chloe shakes hands with Robin)
Robin: Robin
Chloe: It's nice to meet you, Roland. I'll see you guys later.
(Chloe leaves apartment)
Barney: Roland? Your name's Roland. (laughs) That's funny, right? Rock and roland. Warsaw is the capital of what? Roland. You're Monica Rolandski. Hey, yeah, that's just how I Roland.
Ted: Nice try, Swarley.
Barney: Dammit.
(everyone goes around the apartment tidying up)
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney walks in)
Everyone in bar: Swarley!!
(Carl presses play on small boom box and music from Cheers comes on, Barney turns around and leaves)