How I Met Your Mother Transcripts
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
3x01: Wait For It...
Original Airdate: 9/24/2007
Written by: Craig Thomas & Carter Bays
Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Transcribed by Kathy exclusively for TVTDB.com
THE YEAR 2030
(Girl and Boy sitting on couch)
Future Ted VO: Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother. You know the short version, the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella.
(yellow umbrella floating around on street)
Future Ted VO: But there's a bigger story, the story of how I became who I had to become before I could meet her. And that story begins here.
EXT. VAN SMOOT
('the year 2007,' Barney and Ted standing on terrace outside Marshall and Lily's reception)
Barney: ...dary! Legendary. Dude, I am so excited that you're single again. We are gonna conquer New York City. I already have a girl from work lined up for you. Right boob bigger than the left boob which some choose to as bra half empty, I choose to look at as bra half full.
Ted: I don't know, Robin and I broke up two weeks ago. I'm, I'm not ready.
Barney: When will you be ready?
Future Ted VO: It was a good question.
(flashback to Ted and Robin in her apartment after their break-up)
Future Ted Vo: After a big relationship ends, you need some time to recuperate. Robin took a trip to Argentina and I went through my usual routine.
INT. BATHROOM
(Ted looking at himself in mirror and touching his beard)
Future Ted VO: I grew my break-up beard.
(Barney opens door)
Barney: Ted Mosby, suit up. 'Cause here's the plan: there's a Miss Nassau County pageant, we'll pretend to be judges, and yes, our votes are for sale.
Ted: I'm not ready.
Future Ted VO: I repainted the apartment.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted painting wall, Barney enters through fromt door)
Barney: Finish line of a woman's 10K. Salty girls on an endorphin high who just wanna lie down. Yeah.
Ted: Not ready.
INT. BAR
(Barney, Marshall and Lily sitting at booth, Ted sits down next to Barney)
Future Ted VO: And the truth is, I was doing really good.
Barney: Female acrobats from Montreal. Super flexible. We are gonna get cirque-de-so laid. What up?
Ted: Barney, come on, we covered this...
Lily: Robin!
(Robin walks over with a guy)
Robin: Hey, guys. I just got in last night. Um, this is Gael.
Gael: Hola.
Ted: OK, I'm ready.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall and Barney playing video game, Lily sitting close by, hear sound of Ted shaving, Ted walks in with bottom center of beard shaved off)
Ted: I just can't believe her. We have this totally amicable split. Everything's cool and she comes back from vacation with that guy? You know what she's doing? She's trying to win the break-up.
Lily: What do you mean, win the break up, old-timey inventor?
Marshall: What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say is that in every break-up, there are winners and losers.
Lily: It's not a competition. Now your 80-day balloon race around the world, that was a competition.
(Ted points to Lily and walks back to bathroom)
Marshall: That's my wife.
Barney: Of course it's a competition, Lil. How else to explain...what's his name?
(flashback to bar, Robin and Gael sit down at booth with Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney)
Gael: Gael.
Ted: I'm sorry. Gail?
Gael: Gael.
Barney: Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall: Girl?
Robin: It's pronounced 'guy-el'
Gael: It means joyful. That's why I live my life by bringing joy, good energy and happiness to others, especially those less fortunate than I.
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gail?
(back to apartment, Ted walks back in with beard shaved but moustache remains)
Ted: What a jerk. I don't go to your stupid country and try to seduce women with my sexy accent
Barney: That's a great point, Persian night club owner.
Ted: Oh, and he's a masseuse?
(flashback to bar, Robin and Gael sit down at booth with Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney)
Gael: With massage, everything is connected. I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney. I can touch your earlobe and slow your heartbeat.
Ted: One time I used warm water to make a guy pee. Of course I didn't make a career out of it.
Gael: Career? Such an American idea. My career is living, windsurfing, making love. Sometimes at the same time.
(Robin and Gael giggle)
Barney: How? How would one do that exactly?
Barney: Seriously. Don't giggle. Tell me.
(back to apartment scene)
Barney: It's not possible. You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.
Lily: How do you know?
Barney: I'm glad you asked, Lily. I have crafted a list of every vehicle – land-based, aquatic and airborne – in which slash on which it is possible to have sex. And of those 33 vehicles I have had sex in slash on 31. Wind surfing board not on the list. Not possible. Oh, p.s., in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
Lily: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.
Barney: This conversation never happened.
Ted: All right. You're suited up, I'm bearded down. Let's get out there and win this thing.
Barney: Yes.
Ted: You guys, have fun on your double date
Lily: Oh, for the 100th time, I'm sorry, there was a lull.
(flashback to bar, Robin and Gael sit down at booth with Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney)
Gael: Then we fell asleep on the beach while counting the stars.
Lily: Do you wanna have dinner with me? Uh, us?
(back to apartment scene)
Marshall: There was no lull. You just think he's incredibly hot.
Lily: No I don't. Not incredibly. A little hard to believe how hot he is. But, I mean, she's not serious about him. The girl never marries the hot guy.
Marshall: Well, you did.
Lily: I'm one of the lucky few.
Marshall: Lily, Ted is our best friend. So let's something straight. Male Gail is not hot. He's not our friend. Don't even look at him. Just...no eye contact.
(Marshall opens door to let Robin and Gael in)
Future Ted VO: So that night as Lily and Marshall did their best to hate Gael.
Lily: Hey Robin. (looks down) Gael.
Future Ted VO: Robin pulled me aside to check in. Now, I'm sure she meant the best, but she said the worst.
INT. KITCHEN
(Robin and Ted talking)
Robin: I just want to make sure you're OK with this.
INT. BAR
(Ted and Barney walk into bar)
Ted: I just wanna make sure you're OK with this? Dammit. I can't believe she's the one who gets to say that. She's winning, isn't she?
Barney: (chuckles) Not for long. OK, pep talk. Take a knee. Ted, tonight we're gonna get you someone way hotter than Robin. OK, Robin's a 10. Fine, we'll get you a 12. Or, you know, two 6's. Failing that, four 3's. And break glass in case of emergency, we'll go to Staten Island, we'll get you 12-1's. Ted, my boy, I am going to reteach you...
(Barney looks over to see Ted making out with a girl, they stop for a second)
Amy: Amy.
Ted: Ted.
(Amy and Ted go back to making out)
Barney: Barney.
Barney: Ted, we are back. Up here. (Barney puts up his hand)
Barney: Up high. Fiving it up five style.
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin, Gael, Marshall and Lily sitting in living room)
Robin: I'm sorry, this is all so weird.
Marshall: Weird. Why would it be weird? Because you used to date our best friend, or because my wife thinks your new boyfriend is incredibly hot?
Lily: I do not. Shut up. Oh my god.
Robin: I just hope Ted's OK.
Gael: I hate to see you so tense.
Robin: I mean, we had a really clean break-up, you know? We really acted like adults. So the last thing...oh, oh...
(Gael starts to massage Robin's shoulders, Robin moans)
Marshall: Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist?
Gael: What?
Marshall: Are you legally certified by some type of governing entity?
Gael: I trained for three years under in Buenos Aires. I have a card. I can show you.
Marshall: Is the card laminated?
Gael: What do you mean, laminated?
Marshall: Covered in protective plastic.
Gael: Oh yes.
Marshall: Dammit. He checks out.
INT. BAR
(Ted and Amy making out by bar, Barney standing behind Ted with his hand up)
Barney: Ted Ted Ted Ted Ted..
Ted: What?
(Barney pulls Ted aside)
Barney: Let's bail, this place is dead.
Ted: Yeah, you're right, we're both totally striking out.
Barney: Exactly. Plus, we're on a tight schedule. I've got this entire evening perfectly planned out. Spoiler alert, our last stop is an after-hours club so after hours it's three days from now.
What up.
Ted: Are you blind? I'm making out with a 12. I am winning.
Barney: Yeah, but I didn't get to help.
Ted: You're saying you want me to throw away a super-hot girl just because you didn't help me get her.
Barney: Apology accepted. Let's go.
(Amy walks over)
Amy: Who's the suit?
Ted: This is Barney. Barney, Amy.
Barney: I'm not gonna remember that. Now, if you'll excuse me, random chick from earlier tonight, as you shall henceforth be known, Ted and I have a schedule to keep.
Amy: Oh well, you can check 8:54 dress up like a dork and bother the cool kids.
(Ted laughs)
Amy: Beat it nerd.
Barney: Wow, wow, great stuff, Tommy Lee. See, what you don't understand is I'm Ted's wingman. It's a sacred bond, much stronger than any other...They're making out again.
(Ted and Amy continue to make out)
INT. KITCHEN
(Marshall preparing plates of food)
Marshall: Massage therapist. You know what, Gail, your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me.
(Marshall puts a piece of chicken on a plate and starts to massage it)
Marshall: Oh, oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken? Well, guess what, I didn't wash my hands.
Got him.
(Marshall walks into living room with plate of food)
Marshall: Lily!
(Gael is massaging Lily's shoulders)
Gael: We can so much ancient emotion in our neck and shoulders. Things we should have let go of years ago.
Lily: I forgive you Mom.
(Marshall and Lily go into kitchen to talk)
Marshall: Lily, we are Ted's best friends. Our job is to hate that guy.
Lily: Oh yeah, that, that's what I was doing. I was just building him up so a few minutes later I could totally cut him down.
Marshall: Weren't you wearing a bra?
INT. BAR
(Ted and Amy hanging out by bar, Barney and Amy's friend hanging out close by)
Future Ted VO: The night was going great. Amy was cool and dangerous. She found a friend for Barney. She even paid for drinks, sort of.
(Amy snags some drinks from behind the bar and they all run away toward jukebox)
Barney: They know us here. You're gonna get us in trouble.
Amy: Tell me something, do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in the crotch for your huge vagina?
Barney: You ... your vagina! Ted, this chick is crazy. We're leaving.
Amy: Good idea. Let's all go back to my place.
Barney: Your place? Uh, thanks, but no thanks, 1994 Courtney Love.
Amy: I have a hot tub.
EXT. AMY'S PLACE
(Barney, Amy's friend, Ted and Amy sit in hot tub)
Barney: OK, this is actually pretty nice.
Ted: I like your tats.
Amy: Thanks, you can play with them if you want. 100% real.
Ted: No, your tats. Your toos, your tattoos.
Amy: Oh. Thanks. You should get one.
Barney: Wrong. Ted has a classic clean-cut look that never goes out of style season after season. Burn.
Amy: Yeah, well I think he would look hot with some ink.
Barney: No he wouldn't.
Amy: Yes he would.
Barney: No he wouldn't.
Amy: Yeah-huh.
Barney: Uh-huh.
Amy's friend: I'm ready to do anything you want, by the way. Anything. Right now.
Barney: Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing?
Ted: I think I'd look way hot with some ink.
Amy: Yeah you would
Ted: Yeah.
(Ted and Amy start kissing)
Amy: Oh my God. Tyler!
(little boy stands in doorway)
Tyler: Mommy, Daddy, she's back!
Amy: Dammit, they were supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run.
EXT. STREET
(Amy, Ted, Amy's friend, Barney run half-clothed)
Amy: Sorry, I used to nanny for those jerks until they fired me, so unfair.
Barney: Unfair? I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms. That's it, Ted, we're going home.
(Barney whistles for a cab)
Barney: Ted. Ted. You OK?
(Ted looks off in distance) (in Ted's imagination, he sees Gael and Robin on windsurfing board)
Gael: Hello Ted. Robin and I are about to make fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.
Robin: And I just wanna make sure you're OK with this.
(Robin and Gael laugh)
Robin: OK how do we do this?
Gael: I think your leg goes up, up...
Robin: OK, how about if I?
(back to scene on street)
Ted: I'm OK. In fact, here's how OK I am. I'm getting a tattoo.
(Ted and Amy kiss)
Barney: You're not getting a tattoo. It's no you, Ted. You're heading down a dark path.
Ted: A dark path is my driveway.
(Amy and Ted get into cab)
Barney: You need a plan. You need a wingman. This is so going in my blog
Amy's friend: You wanna have sex? Barney: OK.
EXT. TATTOO PARLOR
INT. TATTOO PARLOR
(Ted pointing out area on arm he wants tattoo to Amy, tattoo artist standing behind them with back to them)
Ted: And underneath it should say 'I win' and then it should have flames coming out the bottom.
Amy: Fire. We should start a fire.
Ted: After this, baby. Oh, man, this is gonna be legen...wait for it.
Future Ted VO: And that's all I remember.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted in bed)
Future Ted VO: The next morning I woke up alone, back home.
(Ted gets up and starts looking around on his body, doesn't see any tattoo, sighs in relief, walks out of bedroom and we see butterfly tattoo on his lower back)
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM
(Marshall sitting in chair, Ted walks in from his room, Lily walks in from kitchen area)
Marshall: Hey buddy, how was your night? Ted: You know, it was great. I met this crazy girl. I almost got a tattoo. Don't worry, I didn't, but it was amazing. I think it's safe to say I am winning this break-up.
(Ted walks away toward bathroom and Lily notices his tattoo)
Lily (whispering to Marshall): Look.
(Lily points to Ted's tattoo)
Marshall: Oh my God.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Nothing. This J. crew catalog...who brings two golden retrievers in a canoe?
(Ted walks out of living room)
Lily: We gotta call Barney.
Marshall: Way ahead of you.
(Marshall grabs his cell phone from his pocket)
(Barney walks in front door, Lily and Marshall are now sitting on couch)
Barney: Hey guys, what's the big emergency? Oh, and b the w, I am never speaking to Ted again.
(Marshall and Lily get up to go to where Barney is)
Lily: Really, never? Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?
(Lily turns Barney around to face kitchen)
Marshall: Ted, can you grab me the fondue pot?
(Ted in kitchen reaches up for fondue pot)
Marshall: He has no idea.
(Barney sees Ted's butterfly tattoo and mouth opens wide in surprise and falls down into Marshall)
Marshall: And up we go.
(Marshall pushes Barney back onto his feet)
(Ted walks into living room area with fondue pot and gives it to Marshall)
Marshall: Thank you.
Marshall: Mm-hm.
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted. I came here this morning because I wanna apologize.
Ted: Apology accepted, Barney. As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a babysitter.
Barney: You see, all this time, I thought you needed a wingman to fly, but the truth is, you, you've got your own wings now. Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating, growing in your cocoon. And last night you burst out of that cocoon like a majestic, uh, garsh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.
Lily: He's gonna say it!
Ted: A butterfly?
(Barney, Marshall and Lily laugh) Ted: What?
Barney: Nothing buddy.
(Barney slaps him on his lower back)
Ted: Ow Why did that hurt?
(Ted touches his lower back and look of realization comes over his face, runs over to bathroom)
Ted: Oh my God!
Ted: I have a tattoo.
Barney: Oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.
Ted: Tramp stamp.
Barney: You know, a ho tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate.
Future Ted VO: And suddenly it all came back to me.
(flashback) INT. TATTOO PARLOR
(Ted talking to Amy)
Ted: ...dary. Legendary. Man, I am so winning this breakup
Amy: I just broke up with my boyfriend, Steve. He's totally annoying. He was like, I think you're the one, I wanna marry you.
Ted: What a wuss. You think exes can be friends?
Amy: Yeah, sure, I mean, we're still friends, right Steve?
Ted: Hey, your name is Steve. And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve. What are the odds of that? Wait.
(Ted looks over at Steve and Steve looks at him unhappily and starts the tattoo machine)
INT. APARTMENT
Ted: No no no no no.
(Ted runs over to Barney and grabs his bottled water and splashes some water on his back)
Lily: Oh yeah, that'll get it out.
Marshall: Maybe you should try club soda.
Ted: It really hurts. I need like some ointment of something or something.
(Ted picks up something from table that looks like ointment)
Ted: Spanish massage oil. Spanish massage oil. What happened here last night? Marshall: Last night got weird.
(flashback to previous evening)
(Gael singing in Spanish, Robin looks at him and smiles, Lily looks at him and smiles, Marshall looks at him and smiles)
(Gael gives Marshall a massage)
Gael: Feel the emotions release.
Marshall: I think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade.
Gael: You're beautiful.
Marshall: I am beautiful.
(Gael feeds Robin some fruit with his fingers)
Gael: Experience your food.
(Gael feeds Lily some fruit with his fingers)
Gael: Try the mango.
(Marshall comes in and snags the fruit that was meant for Lily)
Gael: OK, that's enough of the fruit.
(back to present scene)
Marshall: We're sorry. Ted, it'll never happen again.
Lily: It meant nothing to us. It just felt really really really good.
Ted: Oh, I can't even look at you two right now.
(Ted walks out front door)
Lily: He got a tramp stamp.
(Marshall, Lily and Barney laugh)
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ROBIN'S APARTMENT
(Ted walks up to Robin's door and knocks on her door, Robin opens the door)
Ted: All right. First of all, this isn't one of those I came all the way over here because I want you back things. There will no startling confession of love. No sweet indie rock song that swells up just as we're about to kiss. None of that crap. Got it?
Robin: OK.
Ted: Good. Now, here's the thing. It sucks that you came back from Argentina with someone as awesome as Gael. And I know I have no right to be upset at you, we're broken up, life goes on, whatever. But you know what, we, we never did this. We had this polite breakup with no irrational yelling, and that's just wrong. So I'm gonna yell irrationally for a little while and you're just gonna have to stand there and deal with it. OK?
Robin: If you fell like you need to do that.
Ted: I think I do. I really think I do. So now I'm yelling.
Robin: You shaved.
Ted (yelling): I did.
Robin: I liked the beard.
Ted (yelling): I liked it too, but it was getting kinda hot. Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out.
Ted (stops yelling): OK, I'm done.
Robin: I know it was weird showing with Gael. I'm sorry.
Ted: You know, us breaking up was the right thing. But it took some time to get over you, you know? I'm still getting over you. But, you, you were over it the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am but the truth is it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.
Ted: (signs) OK. No, see, look, that all sounds good and we'll still be friends and move on, but did he have to be so hot? The guy is an Adonis.
Robin: He's not an Adonis.
Ted: He's the Cadillac of rebound of guys. Marshall has a crush on him. The guy's perfect.
Robin: He's not perfect.
Ted: Oh, come on. He's hot. He windsurfs. He massages things. Name one way I'm better than that guy.
Robin: You're bigger.
Ted: Don't patronize me. If anything he may even be a little taller.
Robin: No, Ted, you're bigger.
INT. BAR
(Ted sitting in booth with Marshall and Barney)
Ted: I win!
Future Ted VO: Kids, I can't remember exactly what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident. I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful and not at all macho and petty. But after that, I was back on my feet and what followed was a new era in my life, a crazy time unlike anytime that came before it.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE BAR
(people walking in rain under black umbrellas with one yellow umbrella walking by)
Future Ted VO: It's funny looking back at those days, knowing now exactly what I was heading towards and what was heading towards me.
INT. BARNEY'S OFFICE
(Barney sitting at his desk, phone rings, Barney answers)
Barney: Go for Barney.
(Marshall on phone in apartment in the dark)
Marshall: Hey man, it's Marshall. Check your email. I sent you something.
(Barney goes to his laptop)
Barney: What is it?
(Marshall on phone in dark)
Marshall: Just a new website. Slapcountdown.com.
(Barney looks at his laptop screen, sees countdown that's counting down from 55 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds)
Barney: What does this mean?
(Marshall hangs up phone) Barney: Marshall?
(Marshall sitting in the dark, brings right hand up close to his face and brings it back slowly to his side as if he's about to slap something)
Barney: No.
(Barney looks at countdown on his laptop)
Barney: NOOOOO!!!!