I Love Lucy Transcripts
I LOVE LUCY
1X31 - The Publicity Agent
Original Airdate: May 12, 1952
Written by: Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh Davis & Bob Carroll Jr.
Directed by: Marc Daniels
Transcribed By: Jeffrey Thomason
http://east68street.com
(START SHOW - LIVING ROOM)
(RICKY PLAYING CARDS)
(LUCY ENTERS)
LUCY: Oh! Boy. How can two people manage to use so many dishes? ... What'll we do tonight Ricky?
RICKY: Nothin'.
LUCY: What ya mean nothing? Let's call the Mertz's and play some cards.
RICKY: I don't feel like seeing the Mertz's and I don't wanna play cards...
LUCY: What ya call what your doing here?
RICKY: Tidally Winks.
LUCY: Lay your black tidally on your red wink.
RICKY: Look... this game is supposed to be played by one person, hence the name solitaire.
LUCY: Hence the name solitaire, you don't wanna see the Mertz's you don't wanna play cards. I'll get you a gun, you can shoot yourself.
RICKY: Thank you.
LUCY: What's the matter tonight honey?
RICKY: Oh, I'm sorry dear. I guess, I guess I'm just discouraged about my career.
LUCY: Your career, why?
RICKY: Well... I don't seem to be getting' any place... I'm not excited anymore.
LUCY: You are to me.
RICKY: I mean I'm not news, can't get my name in the paper nobody's talking about me.
LUCY: Oh! They are too. I hear people talking about you all the time all over the place.
RICKY: Yeah, name one...
LUCY: Well! Uh... just the other morning the milk man asked me how your cold was.
RICKY: That's what I mean... the milk man wants to know how my cold is, big deal...
LUCY: Well, what about your publicity agent?
RICKY: That's a good question! I should give that fifty bucks a week to someone who can get my name in the paper.
LUCY: Fifty bucks a week... Gee, would you give that job to anybody who, whose bright and energetic, and has wonderful ideas about publicity?
RICKY: Who?
LUCY: Well would you?
RICKY: Well who is it?
LUCY: Uh, if I don't get your name in the paper it won't cost you a cent...
RICKY: Oh no... oh no, no, no, no please, please don't, now no Lucy don't look, look ju, just forget the whole thing. Will you please? Now je, je, je, je, just put publicity out of your mind all together.
LUCY: Ohhh... come now.
RICKY: Oh my goodness. What a horrible thought.
LUCY: It isn't that bad...
RICKY: Look, you wanna help me really?
LUCY: Sure...
RICKY: Alright, just, just forget publicity all together.
LUCY: Alright...
RICKY: De, de, don't even tell people you know me.
LUCY: Alright!
RICKY: Okay.
LUCY: Okay... Alright already.
(NEW SCENE - LIVING ROOM)
(LUCY SITTING ON COUCH WITH JEWELRY)
(ETHEL ENTERS)
ETHEL: Good morning Lucy.
LUCY: Hi.
ETHEL: What are you doing?
LUCY: Figuring out the value of my jewelry.
ETHEL: Insurance?
LUCY: No. Publicity, Ricky's worried because he hasn't been getting enough publicity so I'm gonna help him. You know how those Hollywood stars get their name in the paper when all their jewels are stolen.
ETHEL: Hey! That's a wonderful idea!
LUCY: Yeah.
ETHEL: I can see that headline know...
LUCY: So can I, “Ricky Ricardo's Wife Robbed of Priceless Jewel's Valued at... (EQUALS JEWELRY) ...Forty-Three dollars”.
ETHEL: Some headline...
LUCY: Yeah...
ETHEL: Hey! How bout' lettin' Ricky win a title like Ms. America...
LUCY: He doesn't have the right measurements.
ETHEL: Oh, that's not what I meant...
LUCY: No, we need something like this look. "The Shaw of Persia has a standing order for all of Benny Goodman's records."
ETHEL: Well you can do exactly the same thing...
LUCY: How?
ETHEL: Have Ricky order all of Benny Goodman's records.
LUCY: Oh Ethel... this item is good only because it concerns royalties from a far away country. That's what makes it exciting.
ETHEL: Oh.
LUCY: If we just knew a countess or a princess who couldn't live without Babalu... you don't know any royalty do you?
ETHEL: My aunt was queen for a day once.
LUCY: Well, we'll just have to dream someone up. Let's see now... we'll tell the paper that an exotic princess is coming from a far away country, traveling half way around the world just to hear Ricky Ricardo in person.
ETHEL: Hey, that's sensational!
LUCY: Yeah now what country will she be from?
ETHEL: Well... it can't be too well known.
LUCY: No... I know, Franistan.
ETHEL: Ye... FRANISTAN?
LUCY: Uh huh.
ETHEL: I never heard of it.
LUCY: Neither did I... Princess Shaharazotti daughter of the Maharashtra of Franistan.
ETHEL: Oh, if she was the daughter of a Maharashtian they wouldn't call her a princess.
LUCY: What would they call her?
ETHEL: A Maharani.
LUCY: Ohh... No Ethel that's the Maharashtra's wife... I guess she'd be a Maharincess.
ETHEL: Maharincess...
LUCY: Yeah...
ETHEL: Shaharazotti Maharincess of Franistan. Gee, that's wonderful.
LUCY: Yeah...
ETHEL: Too bad she can't really come to town.
LUCY: Yeah...
ETHEL: Heh, heh... course that is impossible.
LUCY: Yeah?
ETHEL: Lucy?
LUCY: Just call me Shaharazotti.
ETHEL: You wouldn't dare...
LUCY: I would too will you help me?
ETHEL: I'm yours to command my Maharincess.
(BOTH LAUGH)
ETHEL: The papers'll eat this up.
LUCY: Come on we've got a lot of work to do.
ETHEL: Ok.
LUCY: Now you look up the phone numbers to all the newspapers in town.
ETHEL: Alright...
LUCY: I've got the, I've got the number of the Post here. Now we have to make a reservation at a fancy hotel. How bout' stayin' at the Waldorf?
ETHEL: Swell!
LUCY: (DIALS PHONE - INTO PHONE) Hello? Hello city editor please. This is the over-sees operator. Hello editor? We have an over-sees call from Franistan. It's a Maharani to person call. Go ahead Franistan. (PINCHES NOSE) Hello, hello, hello? Hello this is a Maharani of Franistan. Please do not print de paper about my daughter Shaharazotti. The Maharincess, she come to America. Yes! She come to America a Maharashtian, a very much she come to America just to see famous singer in person. He is famous band leader. Ricky Ricardo... Ricky Ricardo. (STOPS PINCHING NOSE AND YELLS) RICKY RICARDO! R-I-C-K-Y, R (PINCHES NOSE) Yeah that's right, Ricky Ricardo... yes now promise, promise you print nothing in paper and you do not try to contact her at Waldorf Astoria Hotel... Waldorf Astoria Hotel! Eh, good bye, good bye... (HANGS UP) (LAUGHS) How'd I sound?
ETHEL: Great.
LUCY: Give me the next number.
(NEW SCENE - TROPICANA)
(RICKY ON PHONE)
RICKY: (INTO PHONE) Well do you know when he'll be in? ...Alright look, as soon as he gets there will you please tell him to call me? This is Ricky Ricardo. I'm down at the club, alright good bye. (HANGS UP)
(FRED ENTERS)
FRED: Hi Rick...
RICKY: Hi Fred.
FRED: See the paper?
RICKY: Yeah I saw the paper...
FRED: Congratulations old boy... look at the size of this type! “Franistan Royalty makes Pilgrimage to see Cuban Idol..."
RICKY: I know, I know.
FRED: "...Maharashtra's Daughter Claims Ricky Ricardo is Real Gone”.
RICKY: I read it Fred, I read it!
FRED: Yeah, yeah well I'd... kinda think you'd be a little more exited. Not every band leader can make a Maharincess flip her beanie.
RICKY: Look, you don't mean to tell me you really believed that story do you?
FRED: Well it's in all the papers.
RICKY: Are you outa your head or somethin'... a member of royalty in some ridiculous place call Crafistan or whatever the name of the joint is. She gets a hold of one of my records so she traveled half way around the world just to hear me sing. Well that's the phoniest story I ever heard in my life.
FRED: Where did it come from?
RICKY: My Press Agent where else? I told that character I wanted some publicity but this is ridiculous. I'll be laughed out Ricky out of the business.
FRED: Well, now that I think it over, it does sound pretty silly.
RICKY: Course it's silly, only an idiot would believe a story like that.
(PHONE RINGS)
RICKY: (INTO PHONE) Hello? Kenny! Now look what is the matter with you Kenny? Are you tryin' to get me kicked out of show business? You know what I'm talking about, the story in the paper, the story. Look, that is the most ridiculous, the most stupid, the silliest, phoniest... what? You didn't? Now wait a minute clem... Your not kidding me are you? Well I'm gonna call the Waldorf right away and find out. You did call the Waldorf, and the Maharincess of Franistan registered there this morning? Holy cow. Heh, how bout' that... ok, talk to you later kid. (HANGS UP) Guess its true!
FRED: Somebody around here just said only an idiot'd fall for a story like that.
RICKY: Well wait a minute Fred. Now let's look at it this way, here's this, this poor girl sitting in her castle in far away Franistan, she gets a hold of one of my records, she finds my voice irresistible and she falls madly in love, nothin' far fetched about that...
FRED: Maybe I oughta go out and come in again.
RICKY: Gee, I wonder if she speaks English? ...you know what they speak in Franistan?
FRED: I don't know. Where is it?
RICKY: Where is it?
FRED: Yeah.
RICKY: Oh Fred don't you know anything?
FRED: No, where is it?
RICKY: Franistan?
FRED: Yeah.
RICKY: Well its right between Czechoslovakia and uh... below the border of Austria, well you know its suck in right between Switzerland and Persia right in there somewhere.
FRED: Oh there?
RICKY: Yeah there Franistan, that's where it is right there... how about that. Gee, I wonder how what you do when you're introduced to royalty... How bout' this Fred, your highness (BOWES) I am delighted to meet you.
FRED: (IN HIGH VOICE) Oh Mr. Ricardo you send me.
(NEW SCENE - NIGHT CLUB)
REPORTER: Now are you sure the highness said she'd be here at three a clock?
RICKY: Yes ah, her lady in waiting called me and right after they checked in the Waldorf, and she said she'd be here at three a clock.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hey Ricky.
RICKY: Oh.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hold it. (TAKES PHOTO) ...thank you.
REPORTER: Your gonna to put a whole show just for her?
RICKY: Yes, yes it's a command performance you know were gonna do everythin'. Yeah.
FRED: Hey Rick, I just called the house again, Lucy and Ethel must be out shoppin'.
RICKY: Oh Gee that's too bad that they have to miss it... Eh fellas, now please don't forget how we rehearsed her entrance now.
(BAND ALL SAYS, OKAY, FINE, ETC.)
RICKY: Okay.
REPORTER: Cigarette?
RICKY: Yeah please. Thank you.
REPORTER: I guess you must be pretty nervous in meeting royalty like this... heh?
RICKY: Hm? Nervous? No. Why should I be nervous meeting royalty? I, I don't have to be...
FRED: Hey Rick look here they come!
RICKY: Alright fellas up! Up everybody up!
(ETHEL ENTERS DISGUISED)
ETHEL: (IN HIGH VOICE) The Maharincess of Franistan...
(RICKY'S BAND PLAYS INTRO)
(LUCY ENTERS DISGUISED)
RICKY: Your Highness. (BOWS) ... Welcome to the Tropicana.
(ETHEL RUNS AROUND SPRAYING PERFUMES)
RICKY: Your Highness (DIRECTS LUCY TO CHAIR) ... uh (BOWS) your Highness.
(LUCY BOWS)
(RICKY BOWS)
(LUCY BOWS)
(RICKY BOWS)
(LUCY BOWS HALF WAY AND MOTIONS NEVER MIND)
RICKY: Uh your Highness... Uh did you have a nice trip over?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Yes.
RICKY: Um uh are you, are you enjoying your stay in America.
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Yes.
REPORTER: Could her highness answer a few questions for the press?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Yes.
REPORTER: Good. Your Highness, is it true that Ricky... (SITS AT TABLE)
ETHEL: (GASPS AND PULLS REPORTER OUT OF SEAT) Ah ah ah (WAVES FINGER)
REPORTER: Oh... your Highness is it true that Ricky Ricardo is your favorite vocalist?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Yes.
REPORTER: You like any other American performers?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) No.
REPORTER: Now let me see if I have this straight. You never seen Ricky Ricardo in person, you've first heard his record two years ago and you fell in love with his voice and decided to come to America to see him? Your father didn't approve but you came any way and you can hardly wait to hear him sing. Is that right?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Yes, no, yes, yes, yes, no and yes.
REPORTER: I see... now about the political situation in Franistan do you...
ETHEL: Please! No more question... the Maharincess wants you (LOOKS TO RICKY) to sing.
RICKY: Oh, well I am deeply honored. (BOWS)
(LUCY BOWS)
(RICKY BOWS)
(LUCY BOWS)
(RICKY BOWS)
(LUCY WAVES HIM ENOUGH)
(RICKY BEGINS MUSIC)
(RICKY STARTS SINGING)
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Ahhh! (FAINTS)
RICKY: What's wrong with her?
ETHEL: You see... she's swooned. Please go on.
RICKY: Well well, if if my singing makes her faint maybe I better not.
LUCY: (COMES TO) (IN HIGH VOICE) Please I like it.
(RICKY CONTINUES SINGING)
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Ahhh! (FAINTS) ...(COMES TO)
(RICKY CONTINUES SINGING)
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Ahhh! (FAINTS) ...(COMES TO)
(RICKY CONTINUES SINGING)
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Ahhh, (WAVES NEVER MIND)
(RICKY CONTINUES SINGING... AND FINISHES SONG)
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Oh! Encore, Encore, Encore.
RICKY: Thank you, really? Would you like some more?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Really...
RICKY: Oh gee... uh, uh, uh, eh your Highness. I understand that eh your favorite number of ours is uh... Babalu?
LUCY: (IN HIGH VOICE) Ah! Babalu, Babalu.
(RICKY BEGINS PLAYING)
(NEW SCENE - HOTEL ROOM)
ETHEL: Well Lucy, we better get outa of here! If we gotta check outa of this hotel and get home in time for dinner.
LUCY: Oh, but I'm so tired after that performance at the club all afternoon.
ETHEL: It was worth it. Think of all the publicity Ricky's gonna get.
LUCY: Yeah, but why did he have to sing so many songs, twenty-five numbers and every other one was Babalu. If I had to faint one more time Ida fainted.
ETHEL: Well, lets get outa here.
LUCY: Okay...
(KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK)
LUCY: Listen if that's another reporter don't let em' in.
(ETHEL OPENS DOOR)
(MAN PUSHES DOOR OPEN TO GET IN)
ETHEL: Yes?
MAN 1: Where is her Highness?
ETHEL: Hey Wait, wait a minute.
MAN 1: Where is her Highness?
ETHEL: What do you want here?
MAN: (MAN 1 SEES LUCY AND BOWS) Your Highness, you are in terrible danger things are not going good in Franistan.
ETHEL: Franistan?
LUCY: Oh wait a minute, now who are you?
MAN 1: Chief of Franistanian secret police... Hung Chung Zanidoo
LUCY: Well I'm Lucy Ricardo.
MAN 1: You do not have to conceal your identity from me... You bear the mark that is born only by woman of royal Franistan family. Red and black hair
LUCY: Look (TAKES A WIG OFF) this is just a wig see?
MAN 1: Please believe me you are in danger the revolution has gone after you.
ETHEL: Hey he's serious!
LUCY: Good heavens Ethel. Do you think there really is such a place as Franistan?
MAN 1: Hurry we have no time to loose.
(KNOCKING)
MAN 1: To late they are here.
ETHEL: Who's here? What do you mean? Who's here?
(DOOR BUSTS OPEN)
ETHEL: (SCREAMS) Ahhh!
MAN 2: There she is!
MAN 3: Its Hung Chung get em'
(BOTH RUN UP TO MAN 1)
(LUCY AND ETHEL SCREAM NO!)
MAN 1: Ahh, ahh, Farewell your highness! Please tell Maharashtra I have died for my country.
ETHEL: (GASPS) Oh no! ... (SCREAMS) Oh no!
MAN 2: We want royal secret!
LUCY: Look fellas you got me all wrong, I...
MAN 3: You have red and black hair and Franistanian royalty... What is secret?
LUCY: Alright I'll give you the secret... Every two weeks a cup of Henna to a gallon of water. I'm not a Maharincess, I'm a Hennarincess.
MAN 3: She will talk when the tiger gets here...
LUCY: The Tiger?
MAN 3: He knows all methods of oriental torture... water dripping on head...
MAN 2: Death by a thousand cuts...
LUCY: Oh!
(MAN 3 PULLS STRAND OF HAIR FROM LUCY TO SHOW SHARPNESS OF KNIFE)
LUCY: OW!
MAN 3: The lingering death of the whip... the tiger knows them all.
ETHEL: Well so long Lucy... (RUNS TO DOOR)
LUCY: Ethel, Ethel where are you going?
(MAN 2 STOPS ETHEL PUTS AND PUTS HER IN CHAIR)
(ETHEL HIDES FACE IN HANDS LOOKING DOWN)
(BANGING NOISE)
MAN 2: The tiger, the tiger!
(MAN 2 OPENS DOOR)
(MAN 2 AND 3 CHANT HAIL TIGER)
(TIGER PICKS UP ETHEL'S HEAD)
ETHEL: Hail Tiger!
(TIGER REACHES FOR WHIP)
MAN 2: Hail Tiger!
(TIGER DROPS WHIP)
LUCY: Hail... Tiger...
(TIGER PICKS UP KNIFE AND LUNGES TO LUCY)
LUCY: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
(TIGER PULLS VAIL DOWN TO REVEAL ITS RICKY)
LUCY: Ricky!
(MAN 1 GETS UP AND TAKES OFF DISGUISE REVEALING ITS FRED)
FRED: Hi Ethel!
ETHEL: Fred Mertz!
(RICKY AND MEN LAUGH)
ETHEL: Mr. Foster, and Joe.
LUCY: What is this?
RICKY: Well, what is this you're askin' me eh? When I found out that you were the Maharincess of Franistan I decided to scare the life outa you so you wouldn't try to pull a thin' like that again.
LUCY: Oh ho... Well how did you find out?
RICKY: How did I find out... who else but you would listen to me sing twenty-five songs and ask for more.
(LUCY LAUGHS)
ETHEL: Well I don't think it was very funny. You oughta be ashamed of yourself. You scared us half to death...
LUCY: Oh Ethel. Were you scared? I knew it was Ricky and Fred all the time. It didn't bother m... (FAINTS)
(END OF SHOW)