I Love Lucy Transcripts
I LOVE LUCY
2X01 - Job Switching
Original Airdate: September 15, 1952
Written by: Bob Carroll Jr., Jess Oppenheimer & Madelyn Pugh
Directed by: William Asher
Transcribed By: Jeffrey Thomason
http://east68street.com
(START SHOW - LIVING ROOM)
(RICKY ENTERS UPSET)
RICKY: Lucy?
LUCY: (IN BEDROOM) Is that you sweetie pie?
(LUCY ENTERS, RICKY OBVIOUSLY UPSET WITH ARMS CROSSED)
LUCY: Oh gee I'm glad your home. How's about a great big... I'll see you later.
RICKY: Lucy! ...Come here.
LUCY: What's the matter?
RICKY: I stopped by the bank on the way home, and they showed me this.
LUCY: What's that?
RICKY: Your check to the beauty parlor.
LUCY: I write a check to the beauty parlor every month.
RICKY: Yes I know that, But they don't always have a little note in the back like this one. "Dear Teller, be a lamb and don't put this through till' next month." Now what do you got to say for yourself?
LUCY: That's why they call them tellers; they go around blabbing everything they know.
RICKY: Lucy... Now look I'm serious. I don't know what's matter with you. Every month, every single month your bank account is over drawn. Now what is the reason?
LUCY: You don't give me enough money?
RICKY: I don't give you enough money!
LUCY: Well we both agree that must be the reason.
RICKY: Now look Lucy...
LUCY: Yes sir.
RICKY: Do you think this is a game we're playing?
LUCY: No sir.
RICKY: Do you realize how tough it is for a guy to make a buck these days?
(FRED AND ETHEL ENTER UNNOTICED)
LUCY: Yes sir, yes sir.
RICKY: Do you think that the money grows on trees?
LUCY: No...
(RICKY AND LUCY LOOK AT FRED AND ETHEL)
ETHEL: Well we'll see you later.
FRED: Yeah.
ETHEL: Come on Fred...
LUCY: No, no come on. Come in sit down.
FRED: No thanks uh, I went to the fights last night.
RICKY: Fred, please come in will you.
LUCY: Come in Ethel.
RICKY: Yeah, please please come in. I uh, Fred I uh want to ask your, your advice on a certain subject.
FRED: What subject?
RICKY: Well, tell me something will you... How often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?
FRED: Never.
RICKY: Never! How do you manage that?
ETHEL: Its easy, I never had enough money at one time to open a checking account.
FRED: What?! She spends money like I was printing it in the basement.
ETHEL: (SMARTING OFF) Printing it in the basement ha.
FRED: Lets face it Rick, when it comes to money there are too kinds of people, the earners and the spenders or as they're more popularly known, husbands and wives.
RICKY: Yeah... Brother if they had to make the dough. They would think twice before spending it that fast.
FRED: Yeah.
ETHEL: What's so tough about earning a living?
LUCY: Yeah...
RICKY: Have you ever done it?
LUCY: No, but I could.
RICKY: Ha.
ETHEL: I could too.
FRED: Ha.
RICKY: (CHUCKLES) Listen, holding down a job is a lot more difficult than lying around the house all day long.
LUCY: Lying around the... is that all you think we do?
RICKY: Yeah.
FRED: Oh now lets be fair Rick, every once and awhile they get up and play canasta.
LUCY: Who do you think does the housework.
ETHEL: And who do you think cooks all the meals?
LUCY: Yeah...
RICKY: Oh, anybody can cook and do the housework.
LUCY: Ha. I'd just like to see you two try it for a week.
RICKY: Ok we will.
FRED: We will?
RICKY: Yeah.
LUCY: This I gotta see.
ETHEL: I wanna get a load of this.
RICKY: Yeah but wait a minute. You will have to go out and earn a living.
LUCY: Ok we will.
ETHEL: We will?
LUCY: Yeah. We'll change places. We'll get jobs and you take care of the house for a week. Ok?
RICKY: Ok.
ETHEL: Ok?
FRED: Ok.
(END SCENE)
(NEW SCENE - KITCHEN)
(RICKY WHISTLING AND PREPARING FOR BREAKFAST)
RICKY: Lucy? Breakfast is ready.
LUCY: Coming dear. (LUCY ENTERS) Good morning.
RICKY: Good morning.
LUCY: Well, doesn't this look wonderful. Did you have any trouble?
RICKY: No, not a bit.
LUCY: Well, happy housework.
RICKY: Happy job hunting.
LUCY: Thank you. Oh boy does this look good. Emm. I'm hungry this morning too. Emm! It is good.
RICKY: Why naturally. There's nothing to cooking.
LUCY: Em, oh! the coffee's good too. Where'd you learn to do all this?
RICKY: (SHRUGS) Oh um just a naturally born cook I guess.
(LUCY STARTS READING PAPER)
RICKY: Honey, what kind of a job are you gonna... What kind of a job are you gonna get? Are you gonna go to an employment office? Lucy, why don't you answer me?
LUCY: That's nice dear...
(RICKY ANGLES TOASTER TO SHOOT OVER PAPER AND IT FLY'S UP AND LUCY CATCHES IT ON OTHER SIDE OF PAPER)
RICKY: Ok, I get your message.
LUCY: (LAUGHS) Now you know what I go through every morning.
RICKY: Alright, I'll reform
LUCY: Oh, gee these fried potatoes are just great.
RICKY: I don't see why your so surprised. There's nothing to it.
LUCY: Well... (PHONE RINGS) I'll get it. (TO PHONE) Hello? Yes. Oh yes. Oh, well thank you very much yes. Good bye.
RICKY: Who was that?
LUCY: Gee this is a sensational breakfast. My gosh, but you're a good cook.
RICKY: (CHUCKLES) Who was that on the phone?
LUCY: It was the Drug Store you left your hat down there when you picked up these two breakfast orders. You know you could've tried to cook this your self. We have a dozen eggs in the refrigerator.
RICKY: Well um, They didn't turn out quite right.
LUCY: The whole dozen!
RICKY: Yep.
LUCY: Oh...
(ETHEL ENTERS)
ETHEL: Good morning everybody.
LUCY: Hi Ethel.
RICKY: Good morning
ETHEL: Well Lucy, are you ready to go to the office?
LUCY: Yep.
ETHEL: The employment office that is.
LUCY: All ready. Ok dear bye bye
RICKY: Bye.
ETHEL: Bye Ricky.
RICKY: Bye.
LUCY: See you for dinner
FRED: Ethel... Ethel you're leaving...
ETHEL: Yeah, what about it?
FRED: Well you forgot to kiss me goodbye.
(NEW SCENE - EMPLOYMENT AGENCY)
(LUCY AND ETHEL SITTING WAITING)
ETHEL: (WHISPERS) Lucy I'm nervous.
LUCY: (WHISPERS) So am I
ETHEL: (WHISPERS) Do you think this man could really get jobs for us?
LUCY: (WHISPERS) Sure he can.
ETHEL: (WHISPERS) But we don't know how to do anything.
LUCY: (WHISPERS ) Shh!
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Here's the address, report for work first thing in the morning. Who's next?
(LUCY AND ETHEL BOTH SAY "We are")
LUCY: Uh, we're together.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: I see.
(LUCY AND ETHEL HOLD HANDS AND WALK TO CHAIR IN FRONT OF HIS DESK)
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Well what job did you have in mind?
LUCY: Uh, what kind of jobs do you have open?
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Oh, well what do you do?
LUCY: What kind of jobs do you have open?
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Well what do you do?
LUCY: ...What kind of jobs do you have open?
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: You go first this time
LUCY: Alright, what do you do?
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: What kind of jobs... Oh oh, cut that out! Please tell me. What do you do? ...are you stenographers?
LUCY: Oh yes that's it where stenographers.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Oh well why didn't you say so, I have a lot of stenographic jobs available uh, how fast can you type?
LUCY: Oh about this fast (TYPES IN THE AIR WITH INDEX FINGERS)
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: ...Oh I see, and uh, how about you're typing...
ETHEL: Uh, mines not as good as hers.
LUCY: No.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Look ladies let's be honest with one another. I can't find you a job until you can tell me what you can really do. Now, what do you do?
LUCY: What kind of jobs do you have open?
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Alright, let's try it another way... I have a list, uh I will read off the jobs that I have available and you tell me if you've had any experience in that line.
LUCY: Oh, fine.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Bookkeeper? (LUCY AND ETHEL LOOK TO EACH OTHER AND SHAKE HEADS) Comptometer Operator? (LUCY AND ETHEL LOOK TO EACH OTHER AND SHAKE HEADS) Dental Technician? (LUCY AND ETHEL LOOK TO EACH OTHER AND SHAKE HEADS MAKING FACES) Insurance Adjuster? (LUCY AND ETHEL LOOK INTERESTED THEN DECIDE NOT AND SHAKE HEADS) PBX Operator? (ETHEL WHISPERS SOMETHING TO LUCY, AND LUCY REPLIES BACK THEN BOTH SHAKE HEAD) Well I've only got one left Candy Makers.
LUCY: Oh that's it, that's our specialty.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Your candy makers.
LUCY: Oh yes! We we've made a lot of candy.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICER: Oh, good. You can begin work today at Kramers Kandy Kitchen.
LUCY: Oh, thank you. Thank you.
(END SCENE)
(NEW SCENE - LIVING ROOM)
(RICKY IRONING)
(FRED ENTERS WITH HANDKERCHIEF ON HEAD)
RICKY: Oh! Hiya Fred.
FRED: Hi Rick.
RICKY: Well... don't you look cute... What are you doing with that scarf on top of your head?
FRED: Oh (CHUCKLES) you mean this? I was cleaning the apartment and I didn't want to get any dust in my hair. (RICKY ROLLS EYES) Hey take a tip from me from an old housewife like me will ya and don't let that iron get to hot, you might scorch something.
RICKY: Really?
FRED: Yeah...
RICKY: You mean uh, like this? (HOLDS UP BLOUSE)
FRED: That's the, that's the general idea, yes.
RICKY: Well I, I thought I tell Lucy that this was ah an original new design.
FRED: That story won't work.
RICKY: No huh? Why not?
FRED: Ethel has three blouses with that same design.
RICKY: Listen, you know what's really tough? Silk stockings.
FRED: Yeah how bout that they're really tough to iron.
RICKY: You're not supposed to iron silk stockings
FRED: No?
RICKY: No. Fred, anybody knows that. Look just make sure that you use plenty of starch when you wash em' that's all.
FRED: Oh, I see.
RICKY: I'll show you I have a couple of them over here I'll show you. See? (HOLDS UP STIFF STOCKING)
FRED: Well, beautiful...
RICKY: See? Have you seen better creases than that anyplace?
FRED: My boy you're a regular Ricky Margaret McBride.
RICKY: Why sure man sure... Oh you know somethin'? I've been thinking about that dinner you know?
FRED: Yeah...
RICKY: Yeah, I think it's, I think its silly for both of us to cook eh, each one of us to cook a whole mean you know?
FRED: Yeah yeah...
RICKY: So I thought what we should do is pull our talents. And I'll cook the main course and you cook the desert.
FRED: Ok...
RICKY: Now let's see... How bout' Arroz con Pollo?
FRED: Well which is that the main course or the desert?
RICKY: Chicken and Rice.
FRED: Oh ho!.
RICKY: I seen my mother do it a hundred times
FRED: (PATS STOMACH) I love it!
RICKY: Well listen, I'll tell you what. Can you bake a cake for desert?
FRED: Well will I, a big juicy one seven layers thick.
RICKY: Yeah? With frosting?
FRED: Globs of frosting.
RICKY: Oh boy. This is going to be the best meal out wives ever had.
(NEW SCENE - KRAMERS KANDY KITCHEN)
(FACTORY WOMAN HAND DIPPING CANDY)
(BOSS, LUCY AND ETHEL ENTER)
BOSS: All right girls this is the first stop. Now you understand from your indoctrination session you're here for one purpose. To work!
LUCY: Yes mam'.
BOSS: Ricardo? I'm gonna put you to work chocolate dipping. You say you've had experience.
LUCY: Oh yes mam', yes mam'. I'm a dipper from way back.
BOSS: Yes?
LUCY: They used to call me the big dipper. (LUCY AND ETHEL LAUGH WHILE THEIR BOSS STARES AT THEM. LUCY CATCHES ON THEN DOES SIGNATURE SOUND)
BOSS: There's no room in this plant for levity, however weak.
LUCY: Yes mam'.
BOSS: Alright Ricardo that's your place. Mertz! I'm gonna put you to work down in the chocolate boxing department. Follow me.
(LUCY PUTS BOTH HANDS IN BOX OF MELTED CHOCOLATE AND BEGINS PUTTING IT ON TABLE, AND IS DOING WHAT THE WOMAN BESIDE HER IS DOING - BUT NOT WELL. LUCY PICKS UP THE CHOCOLATE FILLING AND ROLES IT WITH ONE HAND, AND WHILE CAUGHT UP IN THE EXCITEMENT ACCIDENTALLY MAKES IT FALL OF THE TABLE. SHE GRABS ANOTHER FILLING ROLLS IT, THEN PUTS IT IN CHOCOLATE PILE AND BEGINS COATING IT THEN LOOKS TO WOMAN BESIDE HER TO SEE WHAT'S NEXT. WHEN LOOKING AGAIN AT HER TABLE SHE CANNOT FIND THE CANDY IN ALL THE CHOCOLATE. SO AGAIN, SHE GRABS ANOTHER CHOCOLATE FILLING ROLLS IT, THEN DROPS IT IN CHOCOLATE AND THEN PLOPS IT ON A WAX PAPER STRIP AS A BIG MOUND. TO FINISH HER FIRST "SUCCESSFUL" CHOCOLATE SHE GRABS SOME CHOCOLATE AND SWIRLS IT OVER THE TOP OF THE MOUND. SHE GOES AGAIN GRABBING A CHOCOLATE FILLING ROLLS, IT IN THE CHOCOLATE AND PLOPS IT ON THE WAX STRIP)
LUCY: Hey this is fun.
(SHE CONTINUES TO MAKE CHOCOLATES, THEN HER NOSE ITCHES. SHE MAKES FACES TO RELIVE ITCH, THEN SHE TRIES SCRATCHING IT WITH HER SLEEVES - SHE WAS UNSUCCESSFUL.)
LUCY: What do you do when your nose itches? ...Is that so?
(ABLE TO NOT FIGHT IT ANY LONGER SHE SCRATCHES HER NOSE WITH HER FINGERS AND HAS CHOCOLATE ON HER FACE. LUCY CONTINUES TO MAKE "MASTERPIECES" AND THEN SPOTS A FLY.)
LUCY: There's a fly in here.
(LUCY FOLLOWS IT WITH HER EYES TO THE TABLE THEN SMACKS IT. THE FLY IS NOT DEAD. SHE CONTINUES TO FOLLOW THE FLY ABOUT THE ROOM, AND THEN IT LANDS ON THE WOMAN NEXT TO HER. LUCY SMACKS THE LADIES FACE. THE LADY IN RETURN SMACKS LUCY BACK. LUCY IS MAD AND PICKS UP HANDFUL OF CHOCOLATE AND SMACKS HER AGAIN, OF COURSE SHE IS HIT WITH A PILE OF CHOCOLATE AS WELL AND THIS CONTINUES.)
(END SCENE)
(NEW SCENE - LIVING ROOM)
(RICKY VACUUMING WHILE READING THE PAPER)
(FRED ENTERS WITH CAKE)
RICKY: Hiya Fred!
FRED: Hi Rick.
RICKY: How do you like my new invention?
FRED: What is it?
RICKY: Well I can sweep the rug and read the sports pages at the same time.
FRED: Pretty clever.
RICKY: Why sure, you know the only reason that woman claim that housework is so hard is because they don't use their heads.
FRED: I guess so...
RICKY: What do you got there?
FRED: Oh, I brought my cake.
RICKY: Ah...
FRED: Seven layers of luscious devils food. Wait'll you see it (TAKES LID OF REVELING A CAKE OF ABOUT A HALF INCH THICK)
RICKY: What happened to the other six layers?
FRED: Well there all in there. Some of them just didn't uh rise very much.
RICKY: Well you can put on a lot of frosting.
FRED: What do you mean put on? The frostings already in it.
RICKY: In it?
FRED: Yeah. I mixed it all up together before I baked the cake.
RICKY: Well maybe you better wait until breakfast and serve it as a pancake.
FRED: Ah, never mind now. How bout' your part of the meal?
RICKY: Well it's coming along fine
FRED: Good.
RICKY: Yeah I got the rice cookin'. Hey listen by the way. Why do you know about rice?
FRED: Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life.
RICKY: (LAUGHS) No never mind that I mean. How much do you think we should use for four people.
FRED: Well I don't know, people like that stuff.
RICKY: Well how does uh, one pound per person sound?
FRED: That sounds about right.
RICKY: Well that's good, because that's what I put in. Four pounds.
FRED: Good, good, good.
RICKY: Now let me see, I got the ah Chickens cooking in the pressure cooker.
FRED: Yeah...
RICKY: Now how long do you think they should take?
FRED: Oh I don't know I'd say about an hour and a half.
(BOOM NOISE)
RICKY: What was that! What was that!
(THEY BOTH RUN TO KITCHEN)
(RICKY AND FRED COME RUNNING INTO KITCHEN)
FRED: Hey Rick, what was that noise?
(RICKY PICKS UP LID OFF FLOOR AND BURNS HIMSELF)
FRED: Don't burn yourself!
RICKY: Hey what happened to my chickens? I had two chickens in there.
FRED: They gotta be here somewhere.
RICKY: (LOOKING AROUND ROOM) Chick chick, chick chick chick, chick chick chick
FRED: Hey.
RICKY: What happened?
FRED: Are those your birds up there? (POINTING TO CEILING)
RICKY: Yeah (ONE BIRD FALLS, RICKY REACHES TO PICK IT UP AND ANOTHER FALLS ON HIM)
FRED: Well now what are we gonna do?
RICKY: Well lets wash em' off. Come on.
FRED: Alright.
(WALK TO SINK WITH BIRDS AND SPRINKLE DISH POWDER ON THEM AND SCRUBS THEM WITH DISH SCRUB BRUSHES)
FRED: Here's the brush.
RICKY: Give me some more of that stuff over here. (REFERRING TO DISH POWDER)
FRED: All right.
(MEANWHILE THE POT OF RICE IS OVERFLOWING ON THE STOVE)
RICKY: That a boy.
FRED: This ones really soiled. (FRED HAPPENS TO LOOK BACK AND GETS RICKY'S ATTENTION) Hey Ricky watch this!
RICKY: Oh no! Stop the rice! Hurry up Fred! (BOTH RUN TO POT CATCHING OVERFLOWING RICE WITH BOWLS AND PUT IT ON THE COUNTER AND GRAB ANOTHER BOWL)
RICKY: Hurry up will you?
FRED: Hurry it up will ya?
RICKY: Hold on, I'm commin' ...hurry up Fred get it, get it, get it! It's like a volcano!
FRED: I know it!
(BOTH CONTINUE RUNNING BACK AND FORTH THEN RICKY GRABS THE BROOM AND DUSTPAN AND USES IT TO SCOOP RICE OF STOVE IN THE FAST PACE RICKS SLIPS ON RICE THAT COVERS THE FLOOR, AND CONTINUES SLIDING ON RICE TRYING TO GET UP)
(END SCENE)
(NEW SCENE - KRAMERS KANDY KITCHEN)
(BOSS, ETHEL, AND LUCY ENTER)
BOSS: Alright girls. Listen carefully. This is the wrapping department.
LUCY: Yes mam'
BOSS: Now, the candy will pass by on this conveyor belt and continue into the next room where the girls will pack it. Now your job is to take each piece of candy and wrap it in one of these papers, and then put it back on the belt. You understand?
LUCY: Yes sir...
(LUCY AND ETHEL QUICKLY SAY "Yes Mam'")
BOSS: Let er' Roll! ...LET ER' ROLL!! ...Well, wait here somebody's asleep at the switch.
(BOSS EXITS)
LUCY: What are you doing up here, I though you were downstairs boxing chocolates.
ETHEL: Oh, they kicked me outa there fast.
LUCY: Why?
ETHEL: I kept pinching em' to see what kind they were... this is the forth department I've been in.
LUCY: Oh, well I didn't do so well either.
ETHEL: No?
(BOSS ENTERS)
BOSS: Alright girls. Now this is your last chance. If one piece of candy gets past you and into the packing room unwrapped... You're Fired!
LUCY: Yes mam'
BOSS: Let er' roll!
(CHOCOLATES START COMING ON CONVEYOR BELT AND THEY ARE WRAPPING THEM)
LUCY: Oh, this is easier.
ETHEL: Yeah, we can handle this okay...
(CONVEYOR BELT STARTS GOING FASTER AND THEY START GRABBING THE CHOCOLATES FROM THE BELT AND LAYING THEM ON THE EDGE)
LUCY: Listen, Ethel I, I, I think this... I think we're fighting a losing game.
(THEY BOTH CONTINUE TO WRAP THEM AS FAST AS THEY CAN BUT ONE SLIPS PAST ETHEL AND THEY CONTINUE WRAPPING QUICKLY. THEN THE BELT STOPS AND LUCY HEARS THE BOSS IN THE OTHER ROOM)
LUCY: Here she comes.
(THEY BOTH START SHOVING THE CHOCOLATE IN THEIR HATS, DOWN THEIR SHIRTS, AND IN THEIR MOUTHS)
(BOSS ENTERS)
BOSS: Well fine you're doing splendidly. (TO OTHER ROOM) Speed it up a little!
(LUCY SHOVES MORE DOWN HER SHIRT AND ETHEL IS GRABBING THEM FROM THE CONVEYOR TO PUT THEM ON THE SIDE)
(END SCENE)
(NEW SCENE - LIVING ROOM)
(LUCY AND ETHEL ENTER HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS)
LUCY: Ricky?
ETHEL: Fred?
LUCY: Ricky? ...I wonder where they are.
ETHEL: Lucy? Have you got any bicarbonate of soda?
LUCY: Yeah, I got some in the kitchen I'll get it. Oh here's a note (TAPED TO KITCHEN DOOR) "Dear Girls please do not go in the kitchen until we can explain, we'll be back in a few minutes"
ETHEL: Gee, I wonder what's in there.
LUCY: I hate to think. You stay here. I'm stronger than you are. (LUCY EXITS TO KITCHEN AND SHE SCREAMS) Oh, Oh Ethel!
ETHEL: What is it?
LUCY: Ethel it's to shambles. Food all over the place.
ETHEL: Food...
LUCY: on the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling. It's a mess...
ETHEL: Oh, oh no. I don't wanna clean it up.
LUCY: ...all over - food.
ETHEL: Oh no. I don't wanna clean it up.
LUCY: Oh no. I don't...
(RICKY AND FRED ENTERS)
RICKY: Oh, oh Lucy thank goodness your home. Somethin' awful happened.
LUCY: No?
RICKY: Yeah... don't go into the kitchen until Fred and I...
LUCY: I've already been in there.
RICKY: Oh, oh well. Don't worry about it. We'll clean it up.
LUCY: Thank you.
RICKY: Listen. We don't know how you girls feel about it but we'd like to forget the whole thing. We're lousy housewives.
FRED: Hideous.
LUCY: Well, we're not so good at bringing home the bacon either.
ETHEL: We got fired off our first job.
FRED: Oh.
LUCY: Yeah.
RICKY: Well look eh, let's say we go back to the way we were eh? We, we'll make the money and you spend it.
LUCY: Oh that's great with me.
ETHEL: That's a good idea Fred...
LUCY: Oh yeah...
RICKY: And listen girls... We never realized how tough it was to run a house before. So just to show you two our appreciation we brought you a little present.
LUCY: Really?
ETHEL: You did?
RICKY: For each one of you... A five pound box of chocolates. (PULL BOXES FROM BEHIND BACK)
(LUCY AND ETHEL BOTH FALL OVER ON COUCH MOANING)
(END OF SHOW)