CHASING AMY
by
Kevin Smith
INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY
A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad
others. The most prominent one is called `BLUNTMAN AND
CHRONIC'. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.
HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his
head. BANKY looks over his shoulder.
BANKY
Felt Like this fucking day would never
come. Issue two - on the shelf.
HOLDEN
Yippee.
BANKY
Don't start, alright! This is a cool
moment, and I'd appreciate you not
trying to ruin it. How often does
a guy get the opportunity to purchase
something with his name on it!
(points to name on cover)
Banky Edwards- right!
(points to the other)
Holden McNeil.
HOLDEN
I know my name.
BANKY
C'mon, sour puss. We got the rest of
our lives to be artists. But it's
supply and demand. And right now,
the unwashed masses demand this.
HOLDEN
(off comic)
This is easy, alright! And right now
it pays the bills. Just don't forget
that we're better than this.
BANKY
I'll tell you who we're better than:
these two fags right here.
They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store
manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game.
BANKY
(lays books on the counter)
Alright Old-Maid's - take a break from
the Crazy-8's marathon and ring us up.
STEVE-DAVE
(not looking up)
Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who
it is! The local celebrities. Quick -
get them to autograph one of their
books so we can sell it for triple
it's value.
WALT
I'm not that in need of fifteen cents
right now.
They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his
eyes.
BANKY
You guys operate the smallest, ladies'
bridge circle I've ever seen.
WALT
For your information, we're playing
`Crimson Mystical Mages' - an
overpower card game. Not that either
of you would give a shit about
something as advanced as this -
there are no dick or poopie jokes
involved.
BANKY
(to Holden)
I don't think they're fans.
WALT
No, we're not. You're both a couple
of fucking no talents that got lucky.
STEVE-DAVE
And obviously your handlers or hangers-
on convinced you that your first comic
was good which it was not it was
thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky
bits of dialogue. And when you get
your foot in the door of the business,
what do you do! You turn out a piece
of shit like `Bluntman and Chronic'.
WALT
Tell him, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
(off comic)
`Bluntman and Chronic'. Pah.
What was that thing the little stoner
pulled on the villain in the last
issue!
WALT
The Stinky-palm.
STEVE-DAVE
Stinky-palm. You give comics a bad
name I tell all my customers not to
buy it, to spend their money on a real
comic book.
WALT
Fucking one hit wonder, dime-store
Frank Miller's.
STEVE-DAVE
This is the reality at Comic-Toast -
you're not going to get your ass
kissed here, because both me and Walt
think you suck.
WALT
And me.
STEVE-DAVE
I said that.
Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then
goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and
Banky stare, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both
exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to
playing.
WALT
I've got a dragon card - forty power-
ups and twelve life points! Ha! I
get your elf card!
STEVE-DAVE
You're such a bitch! But thankfully,
I've saved a dark forces Shaman card
for just such an occasion.
WALT
You suck! Eighty six life-power
points to my twenty two!
STEVE-DAVE
I schooled their asses, now I'm
schooling your's.
Suddenly. A trash can crashes through the front window.
Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering
one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to
his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls
something off the garbage can and reads it.
WALT
You know it was those two fucks!
Let's call the cops and have them
busted! I know where their studio is!
Or better yet, let's sue! You can sue
them, Steve-Dave!
STEVE-DAVE
(still reading note)
That won't be necessary.
WALT
What?! Why the hell not!
STEVE-DAVE
(holds up check)
Because this is a check for three
times what that window cost.
(reading note)
"Dear critics - thanks for the
insight. But like my grandmother
always said - `Fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke.. and break their window.'
Kiss it, Banky the Hack.
P.S. - Your card game blows."
WALT
He said "Kiss it"!
CREDITS
INT. COMIC BOOK: CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY
A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting
with comics - leans forward, smiling.
FAN
Could you sign it "To a really big
fan"!
Holden sits at a table. Across from the barely-managing-
to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-
smile in return,
HOLDEN
You bet.
We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-
signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding
HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -
CREATORS OF `BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large
mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner
super-heroes who bear a
striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly
neighborhood drug
dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan.
FAN
I love this book man! This shit's
awesome. I wish I was like these guys
- getting stoned, talking all raw
about chicks and fighting
supervillains! I love these guys!
They're like `Cheech and Chong' meet
`Bill and fed'!
HOLDEN
I like to chink of them as
`Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' meet
`Vladimir and Estragon'.
FAN
Yeah!
(beat)
Who!
BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR.
COLLECTOR
So you draw this!
BANKY
(signing the comic)
I ink it and I'm also the colorist.
The guy next to me draws it. But we
both came up with the characters,
COLLECTOR
What's that mean - you `ink it'!
BANKY
Well. It means that Holden draws the
pictures in pencil, and then he gives
it to me to go over in ink
COLLECTOR
So you just trace!
Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues
signing.
BANKY
It's not tracing. I add depth and
shading to give the image mere
definition. Only then does the drawing
really take shape.
COLLECTOR
You go over what he draws with a pen -
that's tracing.
BANKY
(hands book back to
Collector)
Not really.
(calling out)
Next!
A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers.
COLLECTOR
Hey man. If somebody draws something
and then you draw the same thing right
on top of it, not going out-side the
designated original art what do call
that!
LITTLE KID
(shrugs)
I don't know. Tracing?
COLLECTOR
(to Banky)
See?
BANKY
It's not tracing.
COLLECTOR
Oh, but it is.
BANKY
(to Little Kid)
Do you want Lour book signed or what?
COLLECTOR
Hey - don't get all testy with him
just because you have a problem with
your station in life.
BANKY
I'm secure with what I do.
COLLECTOR
Then say it - you're a tracer.
BANKY
(grabbing Little Kid's book)
How should I sign this?
LITTLE KID
(grabs book back)
I don't want you to sign it, I want
the guy that draws Bluntman and
Chronic to sign it. You're just a
tracer.
COLLECTOR
Tell him, Little Shaver.
Holden accepts a comic from another Fan.
HOLDEN
(off comic)
Who do I sign it to!
Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He
looks to his left and freaks.
Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table.
The Collector attempts to fight him off. SECURITY GUARDS
pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.
COLLECTOR
Jesus! All I did was call him a
tracer!
BANKY
(to Collector)
I'LL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR
DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK?!
HOLDEN
(to Security Guard)
Could you get him out of here!
The Security Guards drag the collector away.
COLLECTOR
Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And
you're dragging me away!!
(exiting)
Fucking tracer!
BANKY
(calling OC)
YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!
HOLDEN
Can I explain the audience principle
to you! If you insult and accost
them, then we have no audience.
BANKY
He started it! Fucking cock-knocker!
He's lucky I didn't put my pen through
his thorax!
HOLDEN
Need I remind you...
(holds up watch)
Curtain's in ten minutes.
INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY
HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-
black/anti-white homeboy.
HOOPER
For years in this industry whenever an
African-American character - hero or
villain - was introduced usually by
white artists and writers - they got
slapped with racist names that singled
them out as negroes: Black Panther,
Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black
Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider,
Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat..
VOICE FROM CROWD
She's white.
HOOPER
She is?
(beat)
Well bust this - regardless.
We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five
creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in
front of them.
(One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind
them reads `WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.
HOOPER
(holds up comic)
Now my book, `White-Hating Coon',
doesn't have any of that bullshit. The
hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a
descendant of the black tribe that
established the first society on the
planet, while all you European mother
fuckers were still hiding in caves and
shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a
strong role model that a young black
reader can look up to, `Cause I'm here
to tell you - the chickens are comin'
home to roost, ya'll: the black man's
no longer gonna play the minstrel in
the medium of comics and Sci-
Fi/Fantasy! We're keeping it real,
and we're gonna get respect -
by any means necessary!
During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up
front.
HOLDEN
(calling out)
Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a
black man, and he got to fly the
Millennium Falcon!
Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of
the comment
HOOPER
Who said that?!?
HOLDEN
(standing)
I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive
black role model in the realm of
Science Fiction/Fantasy.
HOOPER
Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom
nigger! Always some white boy gotta
invoke `the holy trilogy'! Bust this -
those movies are about how the white
man keeps the brother man down - even
in a galaxy far, far away. Check
this shit. You got cracker farm-boy
Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy -
blond hair, blue eyes.
And then you've got Darth
Vader: the blackest brother in the
galaxy. Nubian God.
BANKY
What's a Nubian?
HOOPER
Shut the fuck up! Now Vader, he's a
spiritual brother, with the force and
all that shit. Then this cracker
Skywalker gets his hands on a light-
saber, and the boy decides he's
gonna run the fucking universe - gets
a whole Klan of whites together, and
they're gonna bust up Vader's `hood
the Death Star. Now what the fuck do
you call that!
BANKY
Intergalactic Civil War!
HOOPER
Gentrification. They're gonna drive
our the black element, to make the
galaxy quote, unquote `safe' for white
folks.
HOLDEN
But Vader turns, out to be Luke's
father. And in Jedi, they become
friends.
HOOPER
Don't make me bust a cap in your ass,
yo! Jedi's the most insulting
installment, because Vader's
beautiful, black visage is
sullied when he pulls off his mask to
reveal a feeble, crusty white man!
They're trying to tell us that deep
inside, we all want to be white!
BANKY
Well isn't that true!
Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his
belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling
forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to
scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists
in the air.
HOOPER
BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!! I'LL KILL
ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER
FUCKIN' EYES ON!!!
The crowd-is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing.
Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off
the floor.
HOOPER
(breaking character)
`What's a Nubian!' Bitch, you almost
made me laugh!
Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay.
Actually - he is. Banky smiles.
BANKY
Well what about you! You didn't tell
me you were going to scream `Black
Rage'. I nearly pissed myself.
HOLDEN
How do you manage to get away with
this all the time? Shouldn't cops be
busting your head open right about
now?
BANKY
Wrong coast.
HOOPER
(off gun)
Well this right here - she full of
blanks, okay. And Opiate gets all
sorts of legal clearances before I go
on.
HOLDEN
Your publisher condones these
theatrics!
HOOPER
Condones? Honey, they insist. I need
to sell the image to sell the book
Would the audience still buy the
`Black Rage' angle if they found out
the book was written by a.. a...
BANKY
Faggot.
HOOPER
When you say if it sounds so sexy...
(he kisses Banky full on the
lips)
BANKY
(wipes his lips)
Hey, hey! I'll play your victim, but
not your catcher.
VOICE
How is it that you sound like Minister
Farakhan when you're on stage..
They turn to see...
A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her
purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA. She's the
striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.
ALYSSA
...and the King of Pop when you're
nor.
HOOPER
Look out, boys - this kitten has a
whip.
ALYSSA
(shoves and slaps him)
Always before I get to speak! I swear
- the next con I attend and they ask
me to be on the minority panel, if I
see your name anywhere near the List,
I'm passing.
HOOPER
(defending himself)
Holden. Banky - this pile of P.M.S.
is Alyssa Jones. She does that book
`Idiosyncratic Routine'. This is the
fourth panel we've been on together,
and even though she knows my publisher
sets this up and pays for the event.
She still gets mad when it ends with
my act.
ALYSSA
I just wish I was the one who gets to
shoot you.
HOOPER
That's what my father said when I came
- nay - leapt out of the closet
(off guys)
These boys do `Bluntman and Chronic',
which outsells both of our books put
together, hence they're never on a
panel with the likes of us. They
slumming right now.
BANKY
I've read your book. It's cute.
Chick stuff, but cute.
Holden hits him.
BANKY
What?
HOLDEN
(shoots him a look; to
Alyssa)
Sorry about him. He's dealing with
being an inker.
ALYSSA
(to Banky)
Oh. You trace!
Banky seethes.
HOLDEN
(shaking her hand)
I really enjoy your book I'm surprised
we've never met at any other Con's
before.
ALYSSA
Lose the dick or change your skin tone
and we can get to know each other on
panel after panel while the Pink Black
Panther here plays Chuck D. for the
fanboys.
HOOPER
Hey, jealousy.
(to the Boys)
I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave
drink. Do the Garden-Staters have to
sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can
you stay for a round in the big, scary
city!
BANKY
We're gonna take off soon...
HOLDEN
We'll go.
Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to
Hooper.
BANKY
We'll go.
INT BAR - NIGHT
Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table
drinking, talking, and smoking.
BANKY
Archie, alright! Archie and the
Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-
lovin' bunch. You can't find
dysfunction in those comics, because
they were just flat out wholesome.
HOOPER
Archie and Jughead were lovers.
(sips his drink)
BANKY
Shut the fuck up.
HOOPER
It's true. Archie was the bitch and
Jughead was the butch - that's why
Jughead wears that crown-looking hat
all the time: he the king, of queen
Archie's world.
BANKY
Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on
HOLDEN
He's got a point. Archie never did
settle on Betty or Veronica.
BANKY
Because he wanted them both at the
same time, you assholes! He never
chose one because he was trying to get
both of them into a three-way!
HOOPER
(pulls out a dollar and hands
it to Banky)
Here. I want you to go down to the
corner store and buy yourself a clue.
Go on.
BANKY
Eat it. Urkel.
HOOPER
I told you to watch it with that Urkel
shit. Face it, girl - Archie's a
sister.
BANKY
(getting up; to Hooper)
That's it. You.
HOOPER
Moi?
BANKY
You are marching back across the
street with me, and we're going to
pick up a shit load of Archie books, I
am going to prove to you - beyond the
shadow of a doubt that Archie was all
about pussy. Come on.
HOOPER
(sliding out of booth)
This boy is conflicted, I shall play
mother-therapist for him. You two sit
tight. We shall return promptly.
Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at
the table.
ALYSSA
Is he always Like that!
HOLDEN
For years now. Started back in third
grade - a nun was teaching us about
the Blessed Trinity. She's going on
about the three persons in one God
thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and
he just goes ballistic. I guess it
was too big for him to grasp. They
got into this huge fight.
ALYSSA
Please. How bad could it have been!
HOLDEN
You ever seen a nun call a small child
a `fucking cunt-rag'? Wasn't pretty,
Shit like that's bound to happen when
you make a kid wear a matching tie and
slacks everyday.
ALYSSA
And your parochial school
misadventures!
HOLDEN
Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass.
Turned me into a grade school
alcoholic altar boy. I couldn't tell
you how many mornings after serous
benders I'd wake up next
to strange priests.
ALYSSA
Aren't you the sharp wit!
HOLDEN
Sharp! No. I'm just a fan of clergy-
molestation humor. Probably why the
extended family quit inviting me to
First Communion parties.
Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles.
ALYSSA
(looking OC)
You play darts!
HOLDEN
Not professionally. You know - only
in bars.
AT THE DART BOARD
A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the
board.
Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her’s
always hit. His never do.
ALYSSA
So your new book seems to be selling
like mad.
HOLDEN
It goes back to something my
grandmother told me when I was a kid.
"Holden," she said "The big bucks are
in dick and fart jokes." She was a
church-goer.
ALYSSA
Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a
real artist trapped in commercial hell
- pitying his good fortune. I’m sure
you can dry your eyes on all those fat
checks you rake in.
HOLDEN
I’m sorry - did I detect a note of
bitter envy in there!
ALYSSA
Nope. I’m happy my stuff gets read at
all. There’s very little market for
hearts and flowers in this spandex-
clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns
field. If I sell two issues, I feel
like John Grisham.
HOLDEN
(looking out window)
It’s all about marketing. Over- or
underweight guys who don’t get laid -
they’re our bread and butter. People
like those two outside should be
yours.
Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the
hood of a car.
HOLDEN
And sadly, there are more of our core
audience out there than yours.
(smiles)
Look at that, though - kind of gives
you a little charge, to see two people
in love. And all over Banky’s car, no
less. That car’s seeing more action
right now than it’s seen in years.
ALYSSA
Bubbly guy like that, it’s hard to
figure out why.
HOLDEN
(still looking at OC Couple)
You’ve gotta respect that kind of
display of affection. It’s crazy,
rude, self-absorbed - but it’s love.
ALYSSA
That’s not love.
HOLDEN
Says you.
ALYSSA
That out there! That’s fleeting.
HOLDEN
Fleeting.
ALYSSA
Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love!
Oh, I’ll tell you about love.
HOLDEN
A story?
ALYSSA
The story. The original love story.
HOLDEN
‘Doctor Zhivago’.
ALYSSA
Nope. My mother’s uncle. He was a
millionaire.
HOLDEN
Get out.
ALYSSA
I kid you not.
HOLDEN
Explain.
ALYSSA
All through high school, he dated this
one girl. They were inseparable.
And when they graduated, she went off
to Carnegie Mellon...
HOLDEN
In Pittsburgh.
ALYSSA
I’m impressed. So he stays in the
home town, and they begin their long-
distance relationship. The plan is,
on the third Sunday of every month,
he’ll train out, spend a week then
train back They do this for four
years.
HOLDEN
That is love.
ALYSSA
Not nearly finished. Two months
before she’s going to graduate, he’s
got this job digging graves, and he
comes across...
HOLDEN
A stiff.
ALYSSA
A steamer trunk containing silver
ingots.
HOLDEN
Get out of here.
ALYSSA
Many, many silver ingots. Now, my
mother’s uncle being quite the
ingenious chap - he buries the trunk
again and heads up to the main office,
where he proceeds to purchase a
cemetery plot. Guess which one?
HOLDEN
Clever.
ALYSSA
So now he owns the plot and all of its
contents. Two days later, my
mother’s uncle is worth three million.
HOLDEN
At which time he marries the high
school sweetheart and lives happily
ever after.
ALYSSA
Not even close. Inside the steamer
trunk, stenciled into the wood, or
something like that, is a curse.
HOLDEN
Someone wrote ‘Fuck’ inside his new
steamer trunk.
ALYSSA
Not that kind of curse. A cryptic
curse "Great fortune means great loss"
it said.
HOLDEN
What kind of asshole writes that
inside a steamer trunk!
ALYSSA
The same kind of asshole that buries
silver ingots. The day my mother’s
uncle is heading out to see the girl,
he stops at his accountant’s to grab
some cash, and winds up missing his
train. So he has to take the next one
- which he does - and he gets there an
hour later than his usual time of
arrival, whereupon he sees lights.
HOLDEN
A hero’s welcome for the new
millionaire.
ALYSSA
It seems that while she was standing
on the platform waiting that extra
hour for my mother’s uncle to show up,
the girl was dragged into the bushes
by an unknown assailant, raped and
gutted.
Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink.
ALYSSA
The assailant was never apprehended.
HOLDEN
(beat)
That’s a love story!!
ALYSSA
Yes, and here’s why: my mother’s uncle
rode that train every day for the rest
of his life. One day up, the next day
back. Did that ‘till the day he died.
He donated the fortune he’d acquired
to the train station in Pittsburgh, to
have a well-lit terminal built.
The train line let him ride for free
after that.
HOLDEN
I should hope so. Jesus, that’s the
saddest tale I’ve ever heard.
ALYSSA
That’s my love story.
Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dazed.
He looks out the window.
HOLDEN
Those two aren’t on the hood of
Banky’s car anymore.
ALYSSA
I told you It wasn’t love.
(grabs her purse)
I gotta split. It was really nice
meeting you. I wish you the best of
luck with your book.
(shakes his hand)
Tell Hooper I’ll call him later. And
tell your friend to calm down.
Alyssa exits to the night. Holden stares after her. Two
beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an
‘Everything’s Archie’ comic between them.
BANKY
You’re insane. Archie is not fucking
Mister Weatherbee!
HOOPER
Deny, deny, deny.
(to Holden)
Where’s Alyssa?
HOLDEN
Huh! Oh. She left. She said she’d
call you later.
BANKY
(off comic)
He’s just offering to help Archie with
his homework!
HOOPER
Read between the lines.
BANKY
(shoves book at him)
Fuck this.
(to Holden)
Let’s go. Traffic.
(no response from Holden)
Holden!
HOLDEN
(shaken)
What!
BANKY
Let’s go.
HOOPER
(looking out window)
D’jou see that dent in the hood of
your car!
BANKY
(looking out window)
What the...! Son of a bitch!
Banky runs out Holden shrugs at Hooper.
HOOPER
Let me guess: you like her!
HOLDEN
Who?
HOOPER
Miss Alyssa Jones.
HOLDEN
She’s alright.
HOOPER
As long as that’s all.
(finishes drink)
Maybe you can convince that partner of
your’s to drop me off downtown before
you scurry out the tunnel!
HOLDEN
(beat)
Mister Weatherbee wasn’t really trying
to fuck Archie, was he!
They begin exiting.
HOOPER
Hell no. Weatherbee was Reggie’s
bitch.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
We’re in Holden and Banky’s studio/apartment. It’s a
rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors
and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls,
a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all
the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a
huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent
desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils,
paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Holden and Banky.
They’re working. Some music plays.
C.U. OF HOLDEN PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see
Holden sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch-
nemesis - the Giggler. Holden erases a line and re-
draws.
C.U. OF BANKY INKING - over his shoulder, we see Banky
outlining a pre-penciled page. He traces Bluntman
swinging from a street light.
The two work in silence. Then...
BANKY
(not looking up)
This is one of the best street lights
you’ve ever drawn.
HOLDEN
It’s the one across from the post
office.
BANKY
Looks just like it.
HOLDEN
Thanks.
(beat)
What do you wanna do tonight!
BANKY
Get a pizza. Watch ‘Degrassi Junior
High’.
HOLDEN
(erases)
You got a weird thing for Canadian
melodrama.
BANKY
I’ve got a weird thing for girls who
say ‘aboot’.
The phone starts ringing. Holden answers it, while still
drawing.
HOLDEN
Bank-Hold-Up.
CROSSCUT between Holden and Hooper. He’s on a phone in a
CLUB.
HOOPER
Hooper here. Listen, I know how you
burb-fiends hate the city, but there’s
a club shindig going down that I think
you’d get into.
HOLDEN
Where is it?
HOOPER
Place called Her-sterectomy - I’m
tempting as bar-keep.
HOLDEN
I don’t know, Hoop. We’re prepping
the next issue, and we’ve got our big
M-TV meeting in the morning.
HOOPER
I told her you wouldn’t be interested.
HOLDEN
Told who?
HOOPER
Alyssa.
HOLDEN
Alyssa from last night Alyssa?
HOOPER
How do you begin and end a question
with the same word like that? You got
skill. Yes, that one. She asked me
to invite you. Now here’s the part
where you say...
HOLDEN
I’ll be there.
HOOPER
Thought so. Ten o’clock. Later.
(both hang up)
BANKY
Who was that?
HOLDEN
Hooper. He invited me to a club.
BANKY
When’s that faggot going to learn -
you like chicks.
HOLDEN
(getting up)
Not that kind of a club.
BANKY
So when we leaving?
HOLDEN
‘We’? You can’t go. He’s setting me
up with Alyssa.
BANKY
And?
HOLDEN
And I don’t want you messing it up.
BANKY
Like I care about your shit. Maybe
I’ll hook up myself.
HOLDEN
(pulling on coat)
I just told you - it’s not that kind
of club.
BANKY
How does one man get to be so funny!
HOLDEN
(throws him his coat)
How are you going to get home if I
hook up!
BANKY
Like that’ll happen.
HOLDEN
Let me explain something to you, my
witless chum the other night in that
bar, we two - Alyssa and I shared a
moment, alright!
BANKY
Oh, you had a moment!
HOLDEN
(brings his two pointer
fingers together)
We shared a moment. And in that
moment, one thing was made abundantly
clear: this girl loves me, my friend.
Loves-me.
6. INT. HER-STERECTOMY - NIGHT 6.
It’s a club - people are mingling, a band is playing,
it’s loud. But something’s fishy. Hooper’s tending bar.
He hands a GUY a drink. The Guy sips it.
GUY
This is so watered down. It’s
terrible. Why is it you can never get
a decent drink in these places!
Hooper looks around in a very exaggerated fashion.
GUY
What are you doing!
HOOPER
Trying to find you a tissue.
The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare, Banky enters.
BANKY
Alright - bring on the free hootch.
HOOPER
As long as you don’t bitch about how
little alcohol is in the drink.
(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)
You owe me five sixty.
GUY
(off Banky)
And I suppose you’re going to make
your friend here pay for his drink
right!
BANKY
Hey, I befriended a guy in a position
of authority so I could abuse that
authority and get free shit. You want
to do the same? There’s a lonely
Hindu works at the’7-ll’ across the
street. Get in tight with him.
The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the
bar.
GUY
I work at that ‘7-11’!
(storms away)
BANKY
(calling after him)
Wanna be friends!
HOOPER
Where’s your better half!
BANKY
Taking a piss. Guy’s got a bladder
like an infant.
HOOPER
That’s funny - he says you’re hung
like an infant.
BANKY
Must his mother tell him everything!
Holden enters.
BANKY
What’d you do - fall in love?
HOLDEN
Where is she?
HOOPER
Over there...
ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people -
dances Alyssa. She moves like a cat and she’s looking
very sexy.
OC HOOPER
Been dancin’ for an hour. Hasn’t
stopped yet.
Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC.
BANKY
She ain’t no Denny Terrio, I’ll say
that.
Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit.
HOOPER
Wait. wait, wait - there’s something
you should know.
HOLDEN
She’s got a boyfriend.
HOOPER
Well.. no.
HOLDEN
Then what’s to know?
Holden exits; They watch him go. Banky looks around.
BANKY
There’re a lot of chicks in this
place.
HOOPER
‘Chicks’. You’re such a man.
BANKY
(beat)
He didn’t really say that about my
dick, did he!
ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and
dances up to Alyssa. He intentionally bumps into her.
HOLDEN
(fake rage, dancing)
Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my
cabbage-patch!
ALYSSA
Well, well, well - Bluntman himself.
Or should I call you Chronic!
HOLDEN
Call me flattered. I heard you sent
me the invite to this little soiree’.
ALYSSA
From a former home-town girl, to
Mister Home-Town himself.
HOLDEN
You’re saying you’re from the ‘burbs!
ALYSSA
Middletown, N.J.
HOLDEN
Get out of here! I’m from Highlands!
ALYSSA
I know. Hooper told me.
HOLDEN
How is it that we never ran into one
another?
ALYSSA
You graduate from Hudson?
HOLDEN
Yeah. Eighty eight.
ALYSSA
I went to North. Also eighty eight.
HOLDEN
What a small fucking world. So you
know the tri-town area!
ALYSSA
Quiz me.
HOLDEN
Miller Hill?
ALYSSA
I wrote my name on the wall.
HOLDEN
Sandy Hook?
ALYSSA
Lost my virginity there.
HOLDEN
This is so cool. The mall!
ALYSSA
Eden Prairie of Menlo Park!
HOLDEN
Wait - here’s the big test: Quick
Stop!
ALYSSA
My best friend fucked a dead guy in
the back room.
HOLDEN
You know that girl!!
ALYSSA
I did. Before she was committed.
HOLDEN
You know what this is! This is fate.
ALYSSA
(regarding her move)
No, this is the ‘Rog’.
HOLDEN
I was talking about us meeting - what
are the chances!
ALYSSA
Pretty slim. I haven’t been back to
the ‘burbs since my friend’s funeral.
HOLDEN
The Quick Stop girl died!
ALYSSA
Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She
died in the..
HOLDEN
Y.M.C.A pool! Damn! You knew her
too!
ALYSSA
So well.
HOLDEN
One friend in an asylum, the other
friend in the grave. You’re a
dangerous person to know.
ALYSSA
But I can tap.
(does an impromptu tap dance)
That was the Buffalo Two-Step.
HOLDEN
Very solid.
ALYSSA
That’s what six years of tap lessons
yields.
HOLDEN
Two towns away from each other for
years and we had to meet in New York.
The Sand stops playing. People clap.
ALYSSA
Coulda been worse - we could have not
met at all.
Holden looks at her.
OC SINGER
Thank you. Thanks.
The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.
SINGER
A long time ago, we used to have this
bass player who took off one day to
draw funny books or something. Maybe
you’ve seen her stuff - it’s called
‘Idiosyncratic Routine’’
The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling.
Holden pokes her.
SINGER
But what a lot of people don’t know is
that she used to harbor these
delusions that she could sing. And
she used to subject us to these
throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson
tunes and shit, insisting that we let
her front on a few numbers. Well, we
didn’t and she quit.. and then she got
famous, the bitch.
(crowd laughs)
But she’s here tonight, and I think if
we all begged, or maybe offered her
some X, she’d get up here and treat us
to some of her vocal stylings.
(crowd applauds)
What do you say, Alyssa?
Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden
pushes her forward.
SINGER
She’s shy.
(yelling)
GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!
The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an
embarrassed half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps
along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa
shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd
Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.
BANKY
This is so queer.
(he exits)
HOOPER
(beat)
You don’t know the half of it.
Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the
mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding.
ALYSSA
She is such a twat.
The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band
and says something which they nod. She turns back to the
crowd.
ALYSSA
Alright. I should dedicate this,
right?
(thinks)
This is for that special someone our
there.
Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him.
Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.
The band starts playing. Cross cutting begins.
Alyssa launches into a torchy tune. The song is
extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making
direct eye contact with...
Holden. Or does she! Holden is smiling, being seduced,
Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty
GIRL with a short haircut, who’s also riveted by Alyssa’s
performance.
Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out
there.
The song seems to be aimed at whoever she’s looking at.
It’s more than obvious there’s a seduction going on, bur
of whom! At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but
Alyssa’s preoccupied. She points to someone in the
crowd, and curls her finger back in a ‘c’mere’ fashion,
urging whoever it is to join her. She jumps off the
stage.
Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-
shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps
forward. Banky’s eyes widen. Holden looks up and is
suddenly taken aback.
Alyssa and the Girl race into each other’s arms and fall
into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss.
Holden’s eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across
his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and
for the first time, we get the distinct impression that
this is a lesbian bar...
There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.
Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back.
BANKY
Now that, my friend, is a..
(brings his fingers together,
mimicing Holden)
...shared moment
Holden continues to stare - mouth agape.
Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss.
INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER
Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor
sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make
out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky
stares a little harder. Holden hits him.
BANKY
What?!
HOLDEN
(under his breath)
That’s rude.
BANKY
Man, when are we ever going to get a
chance to see this kind of shit live
without paying for it?
Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.
ALYSSA
Uh-oh - better knock it off: we’re
getting a man excited.
HOLDEN
Sorry. It’s just... new to him.
BANKY
Oh, and you’re an old hand at this.
ALYSSA
No, I should apologize. I don’t
usually get all mushy in public. But
it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Kim
here.
KIM
(formerly the Girl)
Tell me you didn’t set that gross
display up with the band just so you
could nail me.
ALYSSA
Like I’d have to go through that much
effort
KIM
You know what! I want to dance.
ALYSSA
Go ahead. I’ll watch from here.
KIM
(tugging at her arm)
No. I want to dance with you.
ALYSSA
Don’t be such a rag. I have to sit
here and work up the desire to fuck
you later.
KIM
Please.
Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at
him.
ALYSSA
Yes?
BANKY
You said ‘fuck’. To that girl. You
said you’d ‘fuck’ her.
ALYSSA
And?
BANKY
How can a girl ‘fuck’ another girl!
Were you talking about strap-ons or
something?
HOLDEN
(hits him)
Would you shut up!!
BANKY
What!!? It’s a valid question. You
know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse
Letters section is written by guys -
this is our chance to get the inside
scoop.
HOLDEN
(to Alyssa)
I don’t know how many times I can
apologize for him.
ALYSSA
It’s okay. Secretly, all I really
want is to be the center of attention.
(to Banky)
I’ve never used a snap-on.
BANKY
Then what’s with saying ‘fuck?
Shouldn’t you say ‘eat her out’ or at
least modify the term ‘fuck’ with
something like ‘fist’?
ALYSSA
Let me ask you a question - can men
‘fuck’ each other!
BANKY
Ask Hooper.
ALYSSA
In your estimation.
BANKY
Sure.
ALYSSA
So for you, to ‘fuck’ means to
penetrate. You’re used to the more
traditional definition - you inside
some girl you’ve duped, jack-hammering
away, not noticing that bored look in
her eyes.
BANKY
Hey - I always notice the bored look
in their eyes.
ALYSSA
(laughs)
‘Fucking’ is nor limited to
penetration, Banky. For me it
describes any sex when it’s not
totally about love. I don’t love Kim,
but I’ll fuck her. I’m sure you don’t
love every girl you sleep with.
BANKY
Some of them I downright loathe.
ALYSSA
But I’ll bet it’s different with the
ones you love. I’ll bet you go the
full nine when it’s not just a quick
fix - like you go down on them longer
or something.
HOLDEN
Here we go.
BANKY
I don’t do that.
ALYSSA
What?!?!
BANKY
I stopped dropping. It got to be too
frustrating.
HOLDEN
As stupid as you usually come off
during this diatribe of your’s, you’re
going to come off ten times as stupid
on this occasion.
BANKY
What?! I lost my tolerance for the
bullshit baggage that comes with
eating girls out. What’s the big
deal?!
ALYSSA
If you say the smell, so help me, I’ll
slug you.
BANKY
Not the smell - the smell is good.
I’m talking about not being able to do
it property. And my mother brought me
up to believe that if I can’t do
something
right I shouldn’t do it at all. Of
course, my father told me she gave
lousy head, but that’s beside the
point.
ALYSSA
At least you blame yourself for your
sexual inadequacies.
BANKY
No, I blame them. Chicks never help
you out. They never tell you what to
do. And most of them are self-
conscious about that smell factor, and
so most of the time they just lay
there, frozen like a deer in the
headlights, right? Not for nothing,
but when a chick goes down on me. I
let her know where to go, and what the
status is. You gotta handle it like
CNN and the Weather Channel - constant
updates.
HOLDEN
You’re such an idiot.
ALYSSA
No, he’s got a point. That’s how I
was in high school - I was nervous,
and inhibited about being eaten out.
But by the time I got to college, that
all changed. I loosened up. Not only
did I learn to communicate - I learned
to be bossy.
I was like one of those guys at the
airport with those big flash lights -
waving them this way, directing them
that way, telling them when to stop.
BANKY
And that’s all I’m saying, it’d be
different if chicks helped out -
pointed a guy in the right direction.
Then there’d be no bullshit, no wasted
time, and no chance for permanent
injuries.
ALYSSA
Permanent injuries?
BANKY
Sure. You wanna see something
permanent!
(pulls our front tooth)
I got this from Nina Rollins,
sophomore year. I’m going down on
her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps
on her stomach. She does this big ol’
pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in
half, sends it down my throat. I had
to get a crown for the stub.
ALYSSA
(to Holden)
I got that beat.
(to Banky)
I got that beat.
(half-turns and lifts chin)
Sophomore year. I’m going down on
Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after
we went club-hopping. I’m totally
drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall
asleep - right there in her lap. She
got so mad, she digs her heel into my
back, right there.
(points to scar)
That’s permanent.
BANKY
You see this!
(moves neck slightly right)
That’s the farthest I can move my neck
to the right Sophomore year, I’m going
out with Maria Bennert, and for six
months, I’m going down on her, and not
a damn thing’s happening.
Then one night, I change a position,
or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly
it’s a whole new world. She’s moving
around, convulsing, breathing heavy.
And her legs are pressing against my
ears so tightly that I don’t hear her
father come into the room. He grabs
my hair...
(grabs his own hair and pulls
back)
...and he pulls me way back, hard.
ALYSSA
(throws up her leg, and rolls
up pants)
Senior year. Spring Formal. I’m
eating our Missy Kurt in her brother’s
car. She’s laying across the back
seat, and I’m half-hanging out of the
car, my knees on the ground. She’s
flailing around, and she knocks the
parking brake off. The car starts
rolling down the hill, and my right
knee is cut up all to shit like a
kiddy’s scissor class cut it up for
paper dolls.
Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on
his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Then Kim
re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa’s neck.
HOLDEN
(off Banky’s watch)
Holy shit, is that the time. We’ve
gotta beat traffic.
BANKY
What traffic - it’s one thirty in the
morning!
HOLDEN
(getting up)
And rush hour starts in six hours.
Let’s go.
(to Alyssa)
Thanks for inviting us out. It was...
educational.
Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the
booth.
BANKY
(to Kim)
Since you like chicks, right..
do you just look at yourself in the
mirror all the time?
Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches
them go, then turns and kisses Kim.
INT. M-TV EXEC’S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY
Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines,
biting off mini pieces of the gum he’s chewing. He
sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks
up another one and then repeats the whole process. A
Receptionist types.
BANKY
(off Holden’s look)
You’re still dwelling on the dyke,
aren’t you?
HOLDEN
Lower your voice.
BANKY
What’d I tell you - she just needs the
right guy. All every woman really
wants - be it mother, senator, nun -
is some serious deep-dicking.
The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky,
shocked.
BANKY
(off her look)
Don’t give me that look - I heard Adam
Curry say worse.
The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at
Holden.
BANKY
That’s why I can’t buy lesbians.
Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy
fags. Bunch of guys that need dick -
just plain need it? That I get.
Dykes? Bullshit posturing. But -
live and let live, I guess.
HOLDEN
I’m sure the gay community appreciates
your support.
JOHN SLOSS, the boy’s lawyer, joins them.
SLOSS
Please tell me you haven’t blown this
deal already.
BANKY
Sloss like a mother fucker.
(slaps his hand)
SLOSS
Hey, every mother but your’s - a
shyster’s gotta have his standards.
Shall we?
INT. M-TV EXEC’S OFFICE - DAY
The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches
across from our trio.
EXEC 1
We just want to start off by saying
that it’s a pleasure to finally meet
you. While it’s been - shall we say -
an experience dealing with Sloss here,
one of the main reasons we started
this whole thing was to meet the guys
that do ‘Bluntman and Chronic’.
EXEC 2
(points at them)
‘Snootchie Bootchies’.
The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely
join in. Banky shoots Holden a ‘these guys are idiots’
look.
EXEC 1
Which brings us to our proposal: we
are extremely interested in doing
twelve, half-hour ‘Bluntman and
Chronic’ cartoons. The age of Beavis
is coming to a close, and we’re
looking for something... something...
BANKY
Even more retarded and juvenile to
sate the voracious, intellectually-
challenged miscreants that make up
your key demographic.
The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and
gives the thumbs up.
EXEC 1
(composes himself)
So what do you say! Are we in
business!
Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful
face. He looks to Holden, then to Sloss. Sloss nods in
understanding.
SLOSS
Jim, Sean - could we have a few
minutes!
EXEC 2
(looks to Exec 1)
Uh... absolutely. We’ll just..
EXEC 1
Uh...wait outside
The Exec’s smile and head our, closing the door behind
then. Sloss turns to Banky.
SLOSS
So? Did I do good?
BANKY
You did better - you sold us out!
They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.
SLOSS
Do you know how much you’ll make on
merchandising alone!
BANKY
(as Simon Bar Sinister)
Money and Power, and Money and
Power...
SLOSS
(joins in)
Money dnd Power, and Money and...
HOLDEN
(interrupting)
I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden.
BANKY
What’s not a good idea! Please don’t
say the cartoon, please don’t say the
cartoon...
HOLDEN
The cartoon.
SLOSS
What?!? Are you out of your fucking
mind!
BANKY
(getting up)
John, let me handle this.
( to Holden)
You are out of your fucking mind,
aren’t you!
HOLDEN
Is this how you want to be remembered!
As the guy who created Bluntman and
Chronic!
Banky sits at the Exec’s desk and starts rifling through
the guy’s stuff.
BANKY
No, I’d like to be remembered as the
filthy rich guy who created Bluntman
and Chronic.
HOLDEN
But it’ll be all glossy and main-
stream. We’ll lose any artistic
credibility we ever had.
SLOSS
(to Banky)
Is it me! I don’t see the problem.
BANKY
(to Sloss)
He just has to get over this crush of
his.
SLOSS
Oh God - not on Carrie Fisher again!
(to Holden)
Holden - she’s not really a Princess.
BANKY
(opening drawer with a letter
opener)
Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the
chick that does that comic book
‘Idiosyncratic Routine’. You ever
seen it?
SLOSS
Please. Like I even read your comic,
let alone anyone else’s,
(to Holden)
I’m not limited to offering you legal
counsel only, my friend. I’m also
learned in the ways of the heart, and
can offer you this advice - nail her,
get it out of your system, and move
on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good
fences make good neighbors.
BANKY
She’d never let him in her yard. The
chick’s gay.
SLOSS
(laughing)
She’s gay? You fell for a gay, comic-
book writing chick? Holden, you poor,
poor man!
(beat)
Wait a sec - does she have
representation!
BANKY
Always working, you.
(holds up a Polaroid of a
naked woman)
Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a
string of pearls hanging our of her
ass,
SLOSS
Would you leave his stuff alone!
(to Holden)
You can break her resolve, killer.
All it takes is one good man. But if
it takes two good men, don’t hesitate
to call me. That being said, in
regards to the more pressing issue, I
suggest you leave art to the museums
and grab on with both hands to the
big, fat check.
HOLDEN
I’ll give it some thought
BANKY
(holding up Polaroid)
I’m taking this as a precaution - just
in case they give us any shit about
pussy’s decision delay.
(glaring at Holden)
You’ll ‘give it some thought’. You’re
so retarded
HOLDEN
I’m retarded! This from the guy who
only forty five minutes ago paid fifty
bucks for what’s supposed to be a boot-
leg of ‘March of the Wooden Soldiers’
with a deleted scene of Stan Laurel
wearing a French Tickler.
SLOSS
How’d you fall for that!
BANKY
The guy who sold it to me had an
honest face.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
There is a door. There’s a knock at the door. Holden
opens it and Alyssa is standing there.
ALYSSA
Somebody told me that they make comic
books here, and I’ve got an idea for
this story about a guy who comes to a
club and high-tails it when he finds
out this girl is pay. Any interest in
a story like that!
Holden smiles.
EXT. RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY
Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs.
ALYSSA
M-TV?
HOLDEN
Twelve episodes.
ALYSSA
That’s great, isn’t it?
HOLDEN
Banky seems to think so.
ALYSSA
But you don’t.
They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.
HOLDEN
I don’t know if that’s the perception
I want people to have of our stuff. I
know this sounds pretentious as hell,
but I like to think of us as artists.
And I’d like to get back to doing
something more personal - like our
first book.
ALYSSA
Well when are you going to do that?
HOLDEN
(beat)
As soon as we have something personal
to say.
ALYSSA
Do you know how pretty you are?
HOLDEN
What?
ALYSSA
You’re a pretty man.
HOLDEN
Uh... thanks.
ALYSSA
Oh. I get it. I’m into girls, so I
have to find all men repulsive or
something.
HOLDEN
I didn’t say anything.
ALYSSA
Aren’t there some men that you find
attractive? Granted, not enough to
sleep with, but still - just handsome
or something!
HOLDEN
Sure. Harrison Ford. And our mail-
man.
ALYSSA
Well it’s the same thing. I look at
you and just find you really handsome.
And you know, it has very little to do
with your look, per-se. Your look is
fine, don’t get me wrong. But it’s
more your outlook. The things you
say, the way you see things. It’s...
I don’t know... attractive,
Holden looks away, embarrassed,
ALYSSA
I weirded you our the other night
HOLDEN
Huh! No, not really.
ALYSSA
Come on.
HOLDEN
(beat)
It’s just that we’ve.., I mean, I’ve
never seen that kind of thing up close
and personal. It just took awhile to
process, longer than usual.
ALYSSA
Do you want to talk about it!
HOLDEN
Um. If you want to.
ALYSSA
I like you. I haven’t liked a man in
a long time. And I’m not a man-hater
or something. It’s just been some
time since I’ve been exposed to a man
that didn’t immediately live-into a
stereotype of some sort. And I want
you to feel comfortable with me,
because I want us to be friends. So
if there are things you’d like to
know, it’s okay to ask me.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Why girls?
ALYSSA
(beat)
Why men?
HOLDEN
Because that’s the standard
ALYSSA
If that’s the only reason you’re
attracted to women - because it’s the
standard..
HOLDEN
It’s more than that.
ALYSSA
So you’ve never been curious about
men?
HOLDEN
Curious about men? Well... I always
wondered why my father watched ‘Hee-
Haw’.
ALYSSA
You know what I mean.
HOLDEN
No.
ALYSSA
Why not!
HOLDEN
No interest.
ALYSSA
Because...?
HOLDEN
Girls feel right.
ALYSSA
And that’s how I feel. I’ve never
really been attracted to men. I’m
more comfortable with the idea of
girls.
HOLDEN
Wait, wait, wait - you’re still a
virgin?
ALYSSA
No.
HOLDEN
But you’ve only been with girls.
ALYSSA
You’re saying a person’s a virgin
until they’ve had intercourse with a
member of the opposite sex?
HOLDEN
Isn’t that the standard definition?
ALYSSA
Again with the standards. I think
virginity is lost when you make love
for the first time.
HOLDEN
With a member of the opposite sex.
ALYSSA
Why? Why only then?
HOLDEN
Because that’s the standard.
ALYSSA
So if a virgin is raped, then she’s
still a virgin?
HOLDEN
Of course not.
ALYSSA
But rape is not the standard. So
she’s had sex, but not the standard
idea of sex. Hence, according to
your definition, she’d still be a
virgin.
HOLDEN
Okay, I’ll revise. Virginity is lost
when the hymen is broken.
ALYSSA
Then I lost my virginity at ten,
because I fell on a fence post when I
was ten, and it broke my hymen. Now I
have to tell people that I lost it to
a wooden post I’d known my whole young
life?
HOLDEN
Second revision - virginity is lost
through penetration.
ALYSSA
Physical penetration or emotional?
HOLDEN
Emotional?
ALYSSA
Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin
Bree when we were in high school.
HOLDEN
Physical penetration.
ALYSSA
We had sex.
HOLDEN
Yeah, but not real sex.
ALYSSA
I move to have that remark stricken
from the record. On account of it
makes you come off as completely naive
and infantile.
HOLDEN
Well where’s the penetration in
lesbian sex.
Alyssa holds up her hand.
HOLDEN
A finger? Come on. I’ve had my
finger in my ass but I wouldn’t say
I’ve had anal sex.
ALYSSA
Did I hold up a finger?
(waves her hand)
HOLDEN
(beat; then he gets it)
You’re kidding?!?!
(she nods)
How...?!?
ALYSSA
Our bodies are built to pass a child,
for Christ’s sake.
HOLDEN
But doesn’t it hurt?!
ALYSSA
Sure. But in a good way. And it’s
only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved
for really special occasions.
HOLDEN
What about not-so-special occasions?
ALYSSA
Tongue only.
HOLDEN
But how can that be enough? I mean,
let’s be real - how big can a tongue
even get?
Alyssa swallows what she’s chewing and releases her
tongue, which is just huge. Holden is transfixed.
Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.
ALYSSA
Let’s go.
She exits. Holden remains in the swing. Alyssa comes
back in.
ALYSSA
Come on.
HOLDEN
Just...uh... just give me a moment.
INT AIRPORT - DAY
Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much
luggage.
HOLDEN
Look at you. It’s a two day trip.
BANKY
I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes
in the other, and two months worth of
unread comics in this one.
HOLDEN
We’re going to a convention, for the
love of God. We’ll be busy from ten
‘till eight each day.
When are you possibly going to have
time for any of that shit? In fact,
fuck it - you’re leaving some of this
shit here in a locker. Come on - give
me the two that aren’t clothes.
BANKY
Hold on.
(starts rifling through one
bag)
HOLDEN
What are you doing?
BANKY
I just have to get something.
(pulls out a huge stack of
porno books)
HOLDEN
Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt?
What are you going to do with all of
those?
BANKY
Read the articles. What do you think
I’m going to do with them? They’re
stroke books.
HOLDEN
You’ve got like thirty books there!
We’re only there for two days!
BANKY
(leafing through mags)
Variety’s the spice of life. I like a
wide selection. Sometimes I’m in the
mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I
like them arty and air-brushed. Some
times it’s a spread brown-eye kind of
night, sometimes it’s girl-on-girl
time. Sometimes a steamy letter will
do it, sometimes - not often, but
sometimes - I like the idea of a chick
with a horse.
A beeping sound is heard. Holden checks his beeper.
HOLDEN
Go check us in. I’ve gotta call
Alyssa.
BANKY
His master’s voice.
HOLDEN
Put that stuff away.
Holden exits. Banky starts packing his mags up. A
little KID enters, staring at him.
KID
What are those?
BANKY
(looks at kid then books)
Do you Like horsies?
Holden finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him
and Alyssa at home.
ALYSSA
I hope for the sake of the women
you’ve dated that you’re only this
quick in returning calls.
HOLDEN
What’s up? I’m about to get on a
plane.
ALYSSA
Ohhh. Why!
HOLDEN
Last minute invite to the Dragon Con’.
ALYSSA
Shit.
HOLDEN
What?
ALYSSA
My sister’s at my parents’. I was
gonna go see her.
HOLDEN
The one that wrote the book?
ALYSSA
Yeah. But I was staying all weekend,
and I wanted to hang our with you.
This sucks.
HOLDEN
You didn’t get invited to the Con’?
ALYSSA
I don’t do southern con’s - all the
chicks have that annoying drawl. You
know how hard it is nor to laugh when
someone moans "Fuhhk me"?
HOLDEN
Well this sucks.
(thinks)
You know - both of us don’t have to
go.
ALYSSA
Really?
HOLDEN
Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It’s
not like we’re on a panel. It was
just a signing appearance.
ALYSSA
If you come pick me up, I’ll be your
best friend.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Where’s your apartment?
ALYSSA
I’m not there. I’m at a friend’s - in
the Village. Corner of Houston and
Mercer. Number eighty six, apartment
6-D.
HOLDEN
I’ll be there in half an hour.
ALYSSA
You’re so easy.
They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits
quickly.
C11. Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks
on.
BANKY
...And then Black Beauty couldn’t take
it any longer, and he finally did some
of his own mounting.
KID
(off book)
Wow.
Holden grabs Banky’s arm and drags him away.
HOLDEN
What are you doing?
BANKY
(waving to kid)
I think I want kids of my own one day.
They’re fun.
HOLDEN
Listen to me - I’m not going. You’re
going to have to do this one by
yourself.
BANKY
What? Why?
HOLDEN
Alyssa’s coming down for the weekend,
so I want to hang out with her. You
don’t need me for this.
(taking his excess baggage)
Meantime, I’ll take this stuff home.
You can keep the filth. I’ll pick you
up at nine Sunday night, alright?
Don’t forget to plug the Annual and
don’t mention the t.v. show, okay?
Call me if you get bored.
And he’s gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A
check-in FLIGHT ATTENDANT comes up to him. His name-tag
reads ‘Frank’.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Checking in, sir!
BANKY
(still watching Holden go)
Hunhh!
(looks at F.A.)
Yeah. But this is carry-on.
F.A.
Federal aviation security law requires
me to ask if you’ve been given any
strange gifts or parcels to carry-on
since arriving at the airport today.
BANKY
(thinks)
Not this trip. But one time, when I
was using curb side check-in, this sky-
cap gave me a cock ring and a set of
anal ben-wa balls. I always thought
that was pretty strange. He said his
name was Frank.
(looks closely at him)
Hey! You’re name’s Frank!
Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go.
F.A.
Fucking kids.
EXT APARTMENT 6-D - DAY
Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is
standing in the doorway in her bra She looks Holden up
and down and smirks.
WOMAN
Let me guess - ‘the right man’?
HOLDEN
Excuse me?
WOMAN
You’ve got it in your head that
Alyssa’s not really into chicks - that
she just hasn’t met the right man.
And you believe you’re it. You’re
going to treat her right, fuck her
like a stud, and ‘straight-jacket’ her
back from the land of the lost. And
the sad truth is that you’ll
accomplish none of that and wind up as
either an even more bitter misogynist
or a reverse fag-hag.
Holden’s at a loss. Alyssa slips past the Woman,
carrying an overnight bag.
ALYSSA
Don’t mind her. That’s just her way a
saying hello.
WOMAN
Actually, it’s just my way of saying
"Give it up."
ALYSSA
(to Woman)
You’re such an asshole.
WOMAN
When you file the date-rape charges,
don’t say I didn’t warn you.
HOLDEN
(holding out hand)
I’m Holden, by the way.
WOMAN
I’m the voice of reason that Miss
Bitch is having such a hard time
listening to.
HOLDEN
Look, we’re just friends.
WOMAN
That’s what every guy says before he
tries purring your hand on his dick.
HOLDEN
And how do you know men so well?
WOMAN
Because I lapdance for a living, dick-
head.
She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.
ALYSSA
Ohhh - you look so cute!
She heads down the stairs.
HOLDEN
Who was that?
ALYSSA
Just an occasional friend.
HOLDEN
Why would you want to hang our with
someone bitter as that?
ALYSSA
(stops)
Remember this!
(sticks out huge tongue)
Her’s is even bigger than that.
She smiles and continues on. Holden looks back up at the
door. He sticks his own tongue our and sizes it with his
fingers.
EXT TURNPIKE - DAY
The car sits in traffic.
INT CAR - DAY
Holden sighs. Alyssa plays with the radio.
ALYSSA
You were raised Catholic, right?
HOLDEN
Yeah. You?
ALYSSA
Baptist.
HOLDEN
Really? Did you have a strict
upbringing?
ALYSSA
Please There was no time to be bad -
we were too busy saying ‘Jesus’.
HOLDEN
You think your upbringing had
something to do with your lifestyle
choice?
ALYSSA
Somewhere along the line. It’s a
gradual transition to make - from
doing what the majority does to taking
a leap of faith and doing what feels
more natural. Everything helps - from
the way you were handled as a kid, to
the way the boys acted in third grade,
to the shoes you wore at your freshman
prom.
HOLDEN
Shoes?
ALYSSA
Well they were really tight.
HANGING OUT MONTAGE BEGINS
With the requisite music, over which we hear a
conversation between Holden and Alyssa.
1) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER eating. Holden’s
talking. The Waitress walks past and drops her pad. She
bends over, to pick it up, hiking her mini-skirt up in
the process. Alyssa stares at her ass. Holden stops
talking and stares at her. Alyssa looks over at him and
offers a caught smile.
2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE,
throwing various things into the basket. Alyssa comes up
with a box of Tampons and throws them in. Holden glances
at them, a bit flushed. Alyssa catches him, picks up the
box, and pulls one out. She proceeds to demonstrate
their usage, throwing one leg on the can and miming
insertion. Holden puts up his hands in the "I know, I
know," fashion.
3) In the Studio, Holden displays some of his artwork to
Alyssa, during which she pulls out a cigarette and goes
to light it. It’s a child-proof lighter, so she’s having
trouble. Holden grows a little frustrated. Finally, he
grabs the lighter and pulls the child proof tab out with
his teeth. Alyssa stares at him a bit taken aback.
Holden spits the tab out, and lights Alyssa’s smoke. He
then continues with his display.
4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE. Steve-Dave
and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously. Alyssa pays for a
comic. Steve-Dave glowers at Holden. He gives Alyssa
her change and they exit. Steve-Dave goes back to his
card game with the Fan-Boy. Suddenly, a garbage can
comes crashing through their window. Steve-Dave rips a
check off the garbage can and punches the counter. The
Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly,
5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking.
She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulder.
Holden smiles to himself.
HOLDEN V.O.
Let me ask you something - we get
along, right?
ALYSSA V.O.
Famously.
HOLDEN V.O.
We have a definite chemistry?
ALYSSA V.O.
So it would seem.
HOLDEN V.O.
But we’re both into girls.
ALYSSA V.O.
I’m into women.
HOLDEN V.O.
But you weren’t always gay.
ALYSSA V.O.
When I was nine I had a crush on Scott
Baio.
HOLDEN V.O.
So If we’d met a long time ago, say in
high school...
ALYSSA V.O.
...I’d still be muff-diving, yes.
HOLDEN V.O.
Thought so.
INT STUDIO - DAY
Holden and Banky play EA Sports Hockey on Sega. There’s
a knock at the door.
HOLDEN
Come in.
Alyssa enters and stands besides them, smiling at their
game.
ALYSSA
I read somewhere that guys who play
hockey are merely making up for penile
deficiencies by carrying big sticks.
BANKY
I thought you lived in the city? This
is like the umpteenth time I’ve seen
you here. Isn’t that grounds enough
for the little pink mafia to throw you
out of their club?
HOLDEN
(hits Banky; to Alyssa)
I’ll be ready in a second.
I just have to school this mouthy
second-stringer.
BANKY
Bitch, you’re schooling no one.
They play. Cut back and forth between the game and
Banky, Holden, and Alyssa.
HOLDEN
(off game)
What? Do something!
BANKY
(off game)
You fucking cock-teaser. I’ll knock
your fucking teeth out and pass all
over your ass.
HOLDEN
Look at how slow you are. Christ, you
move like a geriatric.
BANKY
(screaming at screen)
Fuck! You Fucking cock-sucker, man!
These faggots won’t do what I tell
them to!
HOLDEN
Oh. It’s the controller, right? It’s
always the controller.
BANKY
No, it’s these... fucking queers on
blades that can’t accept a fucking
pass to save their lives! What period
is this?
HOLDEN
Final sixty of the third.
BANKY
Fuck! Look at your fucking guys,
they... FUCK!!!
(whips controller)
FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN! I SWEAR TO
GOD!
Banky storms away. Alyssa looks at Holden,
HOLDEN
Imagine if I’d only beaten him by one
instead of thirty.
INT SKEE-BALL ARCADE - DAY
Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine.
Alyssa looks on.
ALYSSA
Explain this again.
HOLDEN
How could you have grown up down the
shore and never played skee-ball?
What did you do with your youth?
They head toward the skee-ball runs.
ALYSSA
Stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed
around.
HOLDEN
Not your grade school years; your high
school years.
ALYSSA
(off skee-ball run)
This looks complicated.
HOLDEN
(Inserts coin and pulls
lever)
The premise is very basic - you roll
the ball up the ramp at varying
speeds, in an effort to pop it into
the score circles. The higher the
score, the more prize tickets you get.
ALYSSA
What do you do with the prize tickets?
HOLDEN
Trade them in for prizes that aren’t
worth nearly as much as you paid to
play the game.
ALYSSA
Then what’s the point?
HOLDEN
It’s fun.
ALYSSA
And you question my lifestyle.
HOLDEN
Observe.
Holden rolls the ball. It pops into a twenty point
circle.
HOLDEN
See? It’s just that simple.
ALYSSA
Why not just walk up there and put it
in the fifty every time?
HOLDEN
Where’s the skill in that?
ALYSSA
Oh, this is a skill? I’m sorry, I had
no idea.
HOLDEN
Just toss one.
Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it
overhand. It pops off one of the circles and shoots back
at them, missing them as they duck. An OC knock and an
"OW!" is heard. Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.
HOLDEN
(to OC guy)
I’m sorry, man. She’s new at this.
Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head.
He gets up.
HOLDEN
(to OC)
Thank you.
(hands Alyssa another ball)
Underhand. Throw it underhand.
ALYSSA
This is where you take straight chicks
on dates?
HOLDEN
It’s like Spanish Fly. This’ll
probably be the first time I don’t
score afterwards.
ALYSSA
I don’t know. I’m starting to get a
tingle in my bottom.
(tosses a ball)
Ten.
HOLDEN
(grabs a ball)
So what’d you do last night?
(prepares to throw)
ALYSSA
Got laid
Holden whips the ball in surprise. It ricochets off the
ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine.
Alyssa laughs. Holden looks around, nervously.
ALYSSA
Some more of that skill you were
telling me about?
HOLDEN
Maybe we should just leave before
somebody gets hurt.
ALYSSA
No way. I want a cheap prize.
(throws a ball)
So your friend’s quite the homophobe.
HOLDEN
He just feels left out, I think.
ALYSSA
I’m not talking about his infantile
hang-up with me. I’m talking about
when you two were playing that game.
Everytime he swore - when his players
messed up, he called them cocksuckers,
he referred to the players as queers,
he called you a cock-teaser...
HOLDEN
I thought he was talking to you.
ALYSSA
I know you think it means nothing, and
it may in fact be unintentional, but
it’s ugly all the same.
HOLDEN
He was just pissed he was losing.
ALYSSA
So he slams the gay community?
HOLDEN
C’mon. Don’t get all p.c. on me.
ALYSSA
I’m not. But what is that saying?
HOLDEN
It says he gets too easily frustrated.
ALYSSA
It’s passive/agressive gay-bashing.
HOLDEN
How do you figure?
ALYSSA
How casually did it roll off his
tongue? And that’s how he expresses
his anger? By calling people faggots?
HOLDEN
I think you’re reading too much into
it.
ALYSSA
I think you’re just so used to it that
it rolls off your back. I’ve heard
the two of you play your little rank
out game where one insists the other
is gay.
(as the boys)
"You’re a faggot. No, you’re a
faggot." It’s cute and all to watch
you go at it like grade-schooler, but
it’s also offensive - labeling and
ducking the label of being gay as if
it were the scarlet fucking letter.
HOLDEN
You’re blowing this way out of
proportion. We live in a more
tolerant age now. You refer to
yourself as a dyke. Hooper calls
himself a faggot all the time...
ALYSSA
Yeah, but that’s what’s known as
empowerment/disempowerment. I call
myself a dyke so it’s not too
devastating when some throwback
screams it at me as I’m leaving a bar
at night.
Same for Hooper - by calling himself a
faggot, he steals the thunder away
from the mouthy jerks of this world
who’d like to beat him to it. But the
difference between us having it and
your friend saying it is miles wide.
We say it to mask the pain - you say
it for lack of a better expression at
any given moment. No Holden, we do
not live in a more tolerant age. And
if you think that’s the case, then
you’ve been in the suburbs way too
long to be resuscitated.
Holden kind of sulks. Alyssa notices.
ALYSSA
But you know what?
(picks up his face)
I have more faith in you than that.
(rips her tickets off)
Come on - I want my cheap prize.
INT STUDIO - NIGHT
Holden enters. Banky’s still playing Sega. Holden sits
next to him.
HOLDEN
(off screen)
How bad do you suck!
BANKY
How was your pseudo-date?
HOLDEN
Leave it alone.
BANKY
That chick bugs me.
HOLDEN
(rubs his head; in baby-talk)
Aww. Everyone bugs you.
BANKY
Get off.
(off game)
Fucking faggot! Did you see that?!
Your dyke courting ass just got me
scored on!
HOLDEN
(beat)
You know, you should watch that. If
you’re going to get all bent out of
shape while playing the game, so much
so that you need to curse the t.v.,
try not to gay-bash it, alright.
You’re nor that kind of guy.
(gets up)
And don’t call her a dyke, alright?
She’s a lesbian.
Holden goes to his drawing table and takes off his coat.
Banky sits there, shocked. He puts the controller down
and crosses to the drawing table.
BANKY
What the fuck is going on here?
HOLDEN
(pulling out pencil)
I’m starting a new page.
BANKY
(smacking pencil away)
Not with this shit! With you. What
the fuck is going on with you and that
girl?
HOLDEN
We’re friends.
BANKY
She’s programming you.
HOLDEN
I beg your pardon? Programming?
BANKY
Yeah. And apparently, you don’t even
realize it. What does it matter if I
refer to her as a dyke, or if I call
the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the
privacy of my own office, far from the
sensitive ears of the rest of the
world?
HOLDEN
It’s passive/aggressive gay-bashing;
and I know you’re not really
prejudiced at heart. You should just
find some other way to express your
anger, is all I’m saying.
Holden starts drawing. Banky stares at him. Then he
grabs the pencil out of Holden’s hand and shoves him to
the side. He starts drawing something.
HOLDEN
What the fuck are you doing!
BANKY
Bear with me here. I just want to put
you through this little exercise.
(drawing feverishly)
Okay, now see this? This is a four
way road, okay?
Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to
his voice-over.
BANKY V.O.
And dead in the center, is a crisp,
new, hundred dollar bill. Now at the
end of each of the streets, are four
people, okay? You following? Up
here, we got a male-affectionate, easy-
to-get-along-with, no political agenda
lesbian. Okay? Now down here, we
have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck,
agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. To this
side, we got Santa Claus, right? And
over to this side - the Easter Bunny.
Banky finishes drawing. Holden’s shaking his head
BANKY
Which one’s going to get to the
hundred dollar bill first?
HOLDEN
What is this supposed to prove?
BANKY
I’m serious. This is a serious
exercise. It’s like an S.A.T.
question. Which one’s going to get to
the hundred dollar bill first - the
male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating
dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter
Bunny?
HOLDEN
(beat; then pissed)
The man-hating dyke.
BANKY
Good. Why?
HOLDEN
I don’t know.
BANKY
(wildly crossing out the
other three)
BECAUSE THESE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS
OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION!
Holden storms away. Banky follows.
HOLDEN
I don’t need this. I’m going home.
BANKY
She’s fucking with your mind, man!
She knows you’ve got this schoolboy
crush and she’s using it to sway your
way of thinking!
HOLDEN
And why would she need to do that?
What is she Mata fucking Hari?! What
does she gain?
BANKY
Maybe she thinks you’ll get her comic
picked up by Contender. Or maybe she
thinks you’ll change the content of
our book to something more political
and message oriented. Or, gee - I
don’t know - maybe because that’s just
what dykes like to do: fuck around
with straight guys’ heads, just so she
can go back to her little rug-muncher
club and have a good laugh with all
her man-hating harpy cronies about how
fucking stupid and easily duped men
are!
HOLDEN
You’re so out of line right now..,
BANKY
You don’t even know this girl! Big
deal, she’s from Middletown and she
went to North! All the girls at North
were bitches and sluts anyway! And
this one’s got them beat by a mile
because she’s a bitch/slut/dyke!
HOLDEN
Watch your fucking mouth, is all I’m
going to tell you..
BANKY
Oh why? Do you get my back when she
bashes me? Because I know she does.
And do you know why she does? Because
I won’t play her fucking game!
HOLDEN
Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious
bullshit is amusing. Sometimes it’s
just fucking annoying as piss!
BANKY
What is it about this girl? You know
you have no shot at getting her into
bed! Why do you bother wasting time
with her? Because you’re Holden
fucking McNeil - most persistent
traveller on the road that’s not the
path of least resistance!
Everything’s gotta be a fucking
challenge for you, and this little
relationship with that bitch is a
prime example of your fucking
condition. Well I don’t need a
fucking magic eight ball to look into
your future; you want a forecast?
Here - will Holden ever fuck Alyssa.
(shakes and looks at
imaginary ball)
What a shock - "Not fucking likely"!
This relationship of your’s is
affecting you, our work and our
friendship, and the time’s going to
come when I throw down the gauntlet
and say it’s me or her! And then
what’re you going to say?!
HOLDEN
(beat)
I think you should let this one go.
BANKY
No, what would you say? Would you
trash twenty years of friendship
because you’ve got some idiotic notion
that this chick would even let you
sniff her panties, let alone fuck
her?!
HOLDEN
Let it go...
BANKY
What the fuck.. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES
THIS BITCH ALL THAT IMPORTANT?!?!
Holden looks at Banky for a long beat.
HOLDEN
I’m in love with her, man.
Banky stares at him. Holden stares back. Banky looks
into Holden’s eyes. Suddenly, he softens a bit. He
drops his head.
BANKY
Fuck.
Banky walks away. Holden watches him go and exits.
INT DINER - NIGHT
Holden and Alyssa sit at a booth. Alyssa picks through
her food. Holden looks at the check and pulls money from
his wallet.
HOLDEN
I wish you were the one being pursued
by M-TV.
ALYSSA
Oh really?
HOLDEN
Sure. Then you could sell our and
maybe pick up the check once in
awhile.
ALYSSA
(drops her fork and wipes her
hands)
We’re leaving!
HOLDEN
Well it’s not like this is a bed and
breakfast,
ALYSSA
I’ve got a little business to conduct.
She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth. Holden
watches her, then follows.
A23. Alyssa slides up to the cashier’s desk as does
Holden, who offers a puzzled shrug. Alyssa offers the
‘just wait’ finger. The CASHIER turns to her.
ALYSSA
Are you an authorized deal-maker in
this establishment? Do you have the
power to negotiate.
CASHIER
You wanna haggle over the price of
your French Dip?
ALYSSA
I want to haggle over the price of
fine art.
CASHIER
What do you mean?
ALYSSA
(pointing OC)
There. By the kitchen. That
painting.
CASHIER
What about it?
ALYSSA
The price tag says seventy five.
CASHIER
So!
HOLDEN
(to Alyssa)
Tell me you’re kidding!
ALYSSA
I’ll give you fifty.
CASHIER
(to OC)
Manuel! Bring, me the Dyksiezski off
the wall.
(to Alyssa)
All my years in the diner business,
I’ve waited for this day - the day
when someone wanted to buy one of the
pictures.
ALYSSA
(holds out hand)
Alyssa Jones. Pleased to meet you.
CASHIER
You say you want to haggle, but you
don’t know rule one about haggling,
which you just broke: you never give
your name. The name is power, and to
give the opponent that piece of you is
to give away victory.
ALYSSA
I’m only trying to conduct a
transaction. We’re not opponents.
CASHIER
(accepting painting from
BUSBOY)
Oh, but we are - if you think I’m
letting this beautiful piece go for
fifty.
ALYSSA
Ah-ha!
(to Holden)
Now we’re haggling.
24. INT CAR - NIGHT 24.
It’s drizzling outside. Holden drives. Alyssa hugs her
painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield,
making footprints.
HOLDEN
I’ve always wondered what kind of
people buy those things. I can’t
believe you talked him down to twenty
five!
ALYSSA
It was looking shakey when he told me
the artist was a blind cripple with a
hump-back, but I held my ground.
There’s no room for sympathy in the
buyer’s market.
HOLDEN
Where are you going to hang it?
ALYSSA
I’m not. You are.
HOLDEN
You want me to hang it for you? You
better hope it doesn’t get out to the
girl-nation that you needed a man to
help you hang a picture.
ALYSSA
You’re going to hang it in your house.
I bought it for you.
HOLDEN
(laughs)
Yeah, right.
ALYSSA
(looks at him)
I’m serious.
Holden stares at her.
HOLDEN
Why?
ALYSSA
Because it’s captured the moment.
It’ll be a constant reminder - not
just of tonight, but of our
introduction, the building of our
friendship, everything. Make no
mistake about it my Friend - it’s a
gift to you, from me, so you’ll always
remember us.
Holden stares ahead. Then he swerves the wheel to the
right.
EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT
The car pulls to the side of the road. The rain is a bit
heavier now.
INT CAR - NIGHT
Holden throws the car into park
ALYSSA
Why are we stopping?
HOLDEN
Because I can’t take it.
ALYSSA
Can’t take what?
HOLDEN
I love you.
ALYSSA
(beat)
You love me.
HOLDEN
I love you. And not in a friendly
way, although I think we’re great
friends. And not in a misplaced
affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m
sure that’s what you’ll call it. And
it’s not because you’re unattainable.
I love you. Very simple, very truly.
You’re the epitome of every attribute
and quality I’ve ever looked for in
another person. I know you think of
me as just a friend and crossing that
line is the furthest thing from an
option you’d ever consider. But I
can’t do this any longer. I can’t
stand next to you without wanting to
hold you. I can’t look into your eyes
without feeling that longing you only
read about in trashy romance novels.
I can’t talk to you without wanting to
express my love for everything you
are. I know this will probably queer
our friendship - no pun intended - but
I had to say it, because I’ve never
felt this before, and I like who I am
because of it. And if bringing it to
light means we can’t hang out anymore,
then that hurts me. But I couldn’t
allow another day to go by without
getting it out there, regardless of
the outcome, which by the look on your
face is to be the inevitable shoot-
down. And I’ll accept that But I know
some part of you is hesitating for a
moment, and if there is a moment of
hesitation, that means you feel
something too. All I ask is that you
not suppress that - at least for ten
minutes - and try to dwell in it
before you dismiss it.
There isn’t another soul on this
fucking planet who’s ever made me the
person I am when I’m with you, and I
would risk this friendship for the
chance to take it to the next plateau.
Because it’s there between you and me.
You can’t deny that. And even if we
never speak again after tonight,
please know that I’m forever changed
because of you and what you’ve meant
to me, which - while I do appreciate
it - I’d never need a painting of
birds bought at a diner to remind me
of.
Holden stares at Alyssa. She stares back. Then she gets
out of the car.
HOLDEN
Was it something I said?
EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT
Holden gets out of the car. It’s raining pretty hard
now. Alyssa’s hitching up the road. Holden reaches her.
HOLDEN
What are you doing?
ALYSSA
Get back in the car and get out of
here.
HOLDEN
You’re going to hitch to New York?
ALYSSA
Y’ep.
HOLDEN
Aren’t you at least going to comment?
ALYSSA
Here’s my comment fuck you.
HOLDEN
Why?
ALYSSA
That was so unfair. You know how
unfair that was.
HOLDEN
It’s unfair that I’m in love with you?
ALYSSA
No, it’s unfortunate that you’re in
love with me. It’s unfair that you
felt the fucking need to unburden your
soul about it. Do you remember for a
fucking second who I am?
HOLDEN
So? People change.
ALYSSA
Oh, it’s that simple? You fall in
love with me and want a romantic
relationship, nothing changes for you
with the exception of feeling hunky-
dorey all the time. But what about-
me? It’s not that simple, is it? I
can’t just get into a relationship
with you without throwing my whole
fucking world into upheaval!
HOLDEN
But that’s every relationship!
There’s always going to be a period of
adjustment.
ALYSSA
Period of adjustment?!?
(hitting him)
THERE’S NO ‘PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT’
HOLDEN! I’M FUCKING GAY! THAT’S WHO
I AM! AND YOU ASSUME I CAN TURN THAT
AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT A
CRUSH?!?
HOLDEN
If this is a crush... then I don’t
know if I could take the real thing if
it ever happens.
She looks at him, rain drenching the pair. She shakes
her head ruefully.
ALYSSA
Go home, Holden.
She walks away. Holden stands there, at a loss. Then he
turns and heads back to his car.
As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her,
Alyssa pounces on him, grabs his face and locks lips with
him, big time. He drops his keys and embraces her.
And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched
kissing.
EXT STUDIO - DAY
Banky carries a bag in one arm and pulls out his keys
with the other. He jams them into the lock, opening the
door. He picks up the mail on the floor.
INT STUDIO - DAY
He closes the door behind him and shuffles to the
kitchenette, passing by the blanket-covered, slumbering
forms of Holden and Alyssa, who are out cold in each
other’s arms. The place looks a mess - Like a couple of
people were engaged in some tremendous fucking. Banky is
oblivious. He sets the bag down on the counter and pulls
out a chocolate milk. He opens it, sticks a straw into
the top, and begins sipping and sifting through the mail.
He comes to mail that’s Holden’s and tosses it onto the
couch, near Holden’s head. He looks down at the sleeping
couple, then back at the mail for a couple of beats.
Then he freezes. He looks down again, and drops his jaw
and his carton of choco. It hits the floor with a pop.
Holden and Alyssa shoot straight up, eyes struggling to
focus. They look at one another, then at the
flabbergasted Banky. Banky blinks. Then he shuffles
toward the door again and lets himself out.
ALYSSA
(off Holden’s reaction)
I take it that’s not good.
HOLDEN
(getting up)
Stay here.
(he kisses her and exits)
EXT STREET - DAY
Banky sits on a curb, staring into the distance, Holden
saunters up and sits beside him. He follows Banky’s
gaze.
BANKY
Catholic school girls.
Across the street, the Catholic High School is letting
out. Teenage girls clad in uniforms and tight sweaters
smoke, frolic, wait for their bus.
BANKY
The uniform is what does it for me. I
wish I’d have went with more Catholic
school girls when I was a kid. As it
stands. I have no "...and then she
unzipped her jumper..." stories.
HOLDEN
You looked weirded out back there.
BANKY
That’s my couch you were fucking on.
HOLDEN
Sorry.
BANKY
I wanted to watch some TV. Hard to do
when your best friend’s wrapped around
a naked rug-muncher on your couch.
HOLDEN
She had boxers on.
Banky shoots him a glare. He goes back to staring at the
OC girls.
BANKY
This is all going to end badly.
HOLDEN
You don’t know that.
BANKY
I know you. You’re way too
conservative for that girl. She’s
been around and seen things we’ve only
read about in books.
HOLDEN
But we have read about them. So we’re
prepared.
BANKY
There’s no ‘we’ here. You’re going to
have to go through this alone. And
it’s one thing to read about shit, and
something different when you’re forced
to deal with it on a regular basis.
When you guys are walking in the mall
and both your heads turn at a really
nice looking chick, it’s going to eat
you up inside. You’ll spend most of
your time wondering when the other
shoe’s going to drop. Because for
you, this isn’t about cool weird sex
stuff, it’s about love.
HOLDEN
Maybe it is for her as well.
BANKY
Somehow I doubt it.
HOLDEN
Everyone’s not out to get someone in
life. Bank.
BANKY
Everybody has an agenda. Everyone.
HOLDEN
Yourself?
BANKY
My agenda is to watch your back.
HOLDEN
To what end?
BANKY
To insure that all this time we’ve
spent together, building something,
wasn’t wasted.
HOLDEN
She’s not going to ruin the comic.
BANKY
I wasn’t talking about the comic.
(gets up)
I’m going to gel a bagel. Clean off
my fucking couch so I can watch TV.
Banky walks away. Holden shakes his head.
INT ALYSSA’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
An all-girl gathering. TORY. NICA, DALIA and JANE help
Alyssa finish an issue of ‘Idiosyncratic Routine’. Tory
letters a page. Nica and Dalia lay-out the artwork.
Dalia drinks wine. Alyssa paints the cover.
DALIA
From what I understand, when you sign
with a publisher, someone else does
all this work for you, and you just
sit back and collect.
ALYSSA
And miss these last minute cram
sessions with my nearest and dearest?
Never.
TORY
I don’t know what she’s bitching
about. All she’s done since we got
here is pound Merlot.
DALIA
I’m sorry weren’t you the one who
misspelled ‘receipt’ on page eighteen?
Yeah, you’re a real help.
NICA
What I’d like to know is why we’re
here at all when we haven’t seen
Princess funny-Book in a month.
JANE
Yeah Alyssa - who’ve you been shacking
up with?
ALYSSA
‘Shacking up!’ Please.
(stops painting; smiles wide)
I’m so in love!
Everyone aww’s. Alyssa buries her face, giggling.
ALYSSA
I know. I know -I feel like such a
goon. But I can’t help it - we have
such a great time together.
DALIA
Who is it? Don’t even tell me it’s
Ms. Thing from the C.D. place. I’ll
kill you.
ALYSSA
It’s not her. It’s someone you guys
don’t know.
NICA
That chick you left the restaurant
with that night?
ALYSSA
They’re not. From around here.
TORY
Don’t even tell me you met her down
the shore!
JANE
Eww! Not a bridge-and-tunnel Jersey
dyke!
TORY
With huge hair and acid-washed jeans!
They all cackle. Alyssa tries to laugh with them.
DALIA
Come on, Alyss - Hoboken Hussy or
what?
ALYSSA
For your information, they don’t have
big hair or wear acid wash.
(goes back to painting)
They’re from my home town.
Dalia stares at Alyssa, suspiciously.
DALIA
Why are you playing the pronoun game?
ALYSSA
What? What are you talking about?
I’m not even.
DALIA
You are. "I met someone." "We have a
great time. "They’re from my home
town." Doesn’t this tube of
wonderful have a name!
ALYSSA
(beat)
Holden.
All four Girls stare at Alyssa, a bit horrified. She
stops painting.
JANE
Oh, Alyssa - no. Not you.
TORY
You’re dating a guy?
ALYSSA
He’s not like a typical man. He’s
really sweet to me, and we relate so
well. You guys’d love him, really.
They stare at Alyssa. Then Dalia gets up.
DALIA
I’ve gotta go to the store.
JANE
I’ll go with.
They exit. Alyssa looks to Tory and Nica.
TORY
(pouring wine)
Whelp - here’s to both of you.
(moves the glass to her lips)
Another one bites the dust.
INT HOLDEN’S BEDROOM -NIGHT
Holden and Alyssa lie in each other’s arms, moonlight
bathing them. She smokes.
HOLDEN
Can I ask you something?
ALYSSA
Don’t even tell me you want to do it
again.
HOLDEN
Why me - you know? Why now?
ALYSSA
Because you were giving me that look,
and I got wet...
HOLDEN
You know what I’m talking about.
ALYSSA
Why not You?
HOLDEN
I’m a guy. You’re attracted to girls.
ALYSSA
I see you’ve been taking notes.
Historically, yes that’s true.
HOLDEN
Then why this?
ALYSSA
I’ve given that a lot of thought, you
know? I mean, now that I’m being
ostracized by my friends, I’ve had a
lot of time to think about all of
this. And what I’ve come up with is
really simple: I came to this on my
terms. I didn’t just heed what I was
taught, you know? Men and women
should be together, it’s the natural
way - that kind of thing. I’m not
with you because of what family,
society, life tried to instill in me
from day one. The way the world is -
how seldom you meet that one person
who gets you... it’s so rare. My
parents didn’t really have it. There
was no example set for me in the world
of male/female relation ships. And to
cut oneself off from finding that
person - to immediately half your
options by eliminating the possibility
of finding that one person within your
own gender... that just seemed stupid.
So I didn’t. And by leaving my
options open, I was branded ‘gay’,
which to me was no big deal - labels
are labels, you know? They define
what you do, not who you are, I guess.
But then you come along. You -
the one least likely; I mean, you were
a guy.
HOLDEN
Still am.
ALYSSA
And while I was falling for you, I put
a ceiling on that, because you were a
guy.
Until I remembered why I opened the
door to women in the first place - to
not limit the likelihood of finding
that one person who’d compliment me so
completely. And so here we are, I was
thorough when I looked for you, and I
feel justified lying in your arms -
because I got here on my terms, and
have no question that there was
someplace I didn’t look. And that
makes all the difference.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Shit.
ALYSSA
What?
HOLDEN
Well, you took the luster our of it.
ALYSSA
What luster?
HOLDEN
(joking - in case you didn’t
get it)
Of how I brought you back from the
other side. How all you needed was
the right man to turn you around.
ALYSSA
You’re not the right man.
(kisses him)
You’re just the one.
She snuggles into him and closes her eyes. Holden stares
at the ceiling.
HOLDEN
Can I at least cell people that all
you needed was some serious deep-
dicking?
She hits him with her pillow.
THE BIG OL’ FALLING-IN-LOVE MONTAGE BEGINS
1) In Holden’s Apartment - Alyssa waves in various
directions, shaking her head accordingly. Then she puts
up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden, hanging the
picture. Alyssa gave him.
It hangs at a severely crooked angle. He looks back to
her and shakes his head ‘no’.
2) Holden and Alyssa try to play a video game. Banky
plays as well. Holden instructs her in the ways of NHL
‘96 (turning her paddle right-side-up, pointing at things
on the screen). She presses the reset button, over and
over. Banky gives Holden a ‘What the fuck?’ look.
Alyssa sticks her tongue at him.
3) At the Video Store - Holden picks up a Disney cartoon
off the shelf. He goes to show if to Alyssa, who’s
reading the back of ‘Anything But Dick’, an allchick
porno. An old WOMAN stares at her. Holden nods to the
old Woman and takes the tape out of Alyssa’s hands,
putting it back on the shelf. He ushers her away. The
old Woman waits until they’re gone and then picks up the
tape herself,
4) Holden carries Alyssa on his shoulders through the
park, her crotch against the back of his neck. He’s
talking. She taps him and he stops and looks up. She
begins to maneuver around so her crotch is in his face.
He pulls her off and put her down. She’s laughing. He’s
flushed with embarrassment. The same Old Woman from the
Video store passes by with her husband. Holden shrugs.
5) In Holden’s Apartment again - Alyssa again with the
waving, then putting up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden
again, this time with the painting hung completely upside
down. He looks at it, then offers her a bewildered gaze.
6) In the Office Banky comes to his drawing table. There
are penciled pages on it with a note that says "Hanging
out with Alyssa today. Holden". Banky crumples it up
and throws it across the room.
7) In Holden’s Apartment - Alyssa waves this way, then
that way, then puts up her hands frantically to stop.
She settles back against the wall, a satisfied smile
crawling across her face, and closes her eyes. We pull
back to reveal Holden on his knees in front of her,
eating her out (no, we don’t see anything!).
INT OFFICE - DAY
Holden draws. A book is thrown in front of him. He
looks up. Banky stands there.
BANKY
Check out page forty eight.
Holden looks down at that book. It’s the Nineteen Eighty
Eight yearbook from Middletown North. He shakes his head
at Banky and flips it open.
On the page is Alyssa’s Senior year photo. Under her
name is another name in quotes that says ‘Finger Cuffs’.
HOLDEN
(looking up)
So?
BANKY
Did you see the nickname?
HOLDEN
‘Finger Cuffs’.
BANKY
And...?
HOLDEN
And... she had a weird nick-name.
What’s your point?
BANKY
Do you know why it’s ‘Finger Cuffs’?
HOLDEN
I suppose you do.
BANKY
I do.
(takes a seat)
You remember Cohee Lundin? Left
Hudson and went to North our senior
year?
HOLDEN
Yeah.
BANKY
Well, I ran into him at Food City the
other day, and we got to talking, and
I mentioned that you were dating
Alyssa, and he said..
CUT TO COHEE LUNDON. In the PARKING LOT of FOOD CITY,
addressing the camera.
COHEE
Alyssa Jones? Shit. I know Alyssa
Jones. I mean, I know Alyssa Jones,
you know what I’m saying?
Me and Rick Derris used to hang our
with her for awhile, right? Just
hanging around her house after school,
‘cuz her parents were like never home,
and shit. And one day, Rick just
whips it out, and starts rubbing it on
her leg and shit; chasing her around
the living room - I was dying. But
you know what the crazy bitch did?
She fucking drops to her knees, and
just starts sucking him off right in
front of me! Like I wasn’t even there
man! I almost died! But that’s not
the fucked up part - the fucked up
part was Rick, man - right in the
middle of it, he turns to me and he’s
pointing at her and he says "Cohee."
Just like that - "Cohee." So I’m like
I’ll give it a shot. And I start
pulling her pants down all slow, ‘cuz
I figure any second she’s gonna turn
around and belt me in the mouth,
right? But yo, check this shit out -
she’s all into it man! She don’t try
to stop me or nothing! She’s
all wet and shit, and I just went to
work, know what I’m saying? Me and
Rick are going to town on this crazy
bitch, and she’s just loving it, all
moaning and shit! It was fucked up!
So Rick’s the one that came up with
the nickname - ‘cuz that day, she had
us locked in tight from both sides -
like a pair of goddamn Chinese finger
cuffs!
BACK IN THE OFFICE - Holden stares at Banky.
HOLDEN
He’s full of shit.
BANKY
Cohee’s a lot of things, but an
exxagerator he’s not. The dude’s
Catholic.
HOLDEN
She’s never even been with a guy.
BANKY
That’s what she says. But I say her
on her hands and knees getting filled
out like an application constitutes
‘being with a guy’.
HOLDEN
He’s pulling your chain. And the fact
that you even bought it for a second
makes you look like an idiot.
BANKY
I’m getting your back, asshole!
People don’t forget shit like ‘Finger
Cuffs’. And if it got out that she’s
queer as well, how do you think it’s
going to make you look?
HOLDEN
I give a shit what people think.
BANKY
Alright, forget about that; what if
she’s carrying a disease? That was
just one story - what if there’s more?
HOLDEN
(grabs his coat)
You’re such a fucking asshole.
BANKY
What? Oh, it’s not possible that
she’s all crudded up? Cohee I can
vouch for as clean - the dude never
got laid in high school. But Derris
is an arch fucking bush-man! Name me
one chick in our senior class that
Rick Derris didn’t nail, for Christ’s
sake!
HOLDEN
Would you let this go? I’m telling
you - she’s never even been with a
guy, let alone those two zeroes.
BANKY
And I’m telling you, the bitch could
be a bigger fucking germ farm than
that monkey in ‘Outbreak’!
Holden grabs Banky and pins him against the wall.
HOLDEN
Give it a rest! Do you hear me?! I’m
tired of this shit! She’s my goddamn
girlfriend, do you understand?! Show
her a little fucking respect!
And if you ever even so much as
mention that Alyssa looks a little
peaked from now on, I’ll put your
fucking teeth down your throat!
He releases Banky. Banky brushes himself off.
BANKY
Maybe I’ll put your fucking teeth down
your throat.
HOLDEN
(walking out)
Not bloody Likely.
Banky runs to the open door.
BANKY
(calling after him)
I’ve been working out you know!
(no response)
You better be ready to make that M-TV
deal!
The downstairs door slams. Banky makes a muscle, then
feels it.
INT TOWER RECORDS - DAY
Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.
HOOPER
Where’s that bitch partner of your’s
been?
HOLDEN
Sulking. He’s having a real problem
with this Alyssa thing.
HOOPER
I think it’s more like Banky’s having
a problem with all things not hetero
right about now. And I’m just another
paradigm of said aberration.
HOLDEN
Banky does not hate gays, you know
that.
HOOPER
But I do think he is a bit homophobic.
And this latest episode between you
and Ms. Thing has tapped into that.
In his warped perception, he lost you
to the dark side - which is she.
HOLDEN
You make it sound like me and him were
dating.
HOOPER
Don’t kid yourself - that boy loves
you in a way that he’s not ready to
deal with.
HOLDEN
(beat)
He’s been digging up dirt on Alyssa.
HOOPER
And just what has Mister Angela
Lansbury uncovered about your lady
fair?
HOLDEN
He heard some bullshit story that she
took on two guys.
HOOPER
Really? Well then he’s barking up the
wrong we if he wants to split you up,
isn’t he? He’s not going to make you
see the error of your ways by pointing
out how truly gay she’s not
(holds up a disc)
This one?
HOLDEN
Have it.
(beat)
Actually, it’s kind of gotten to me.
HOOPER
How so?
HOLDEN
Banky’s not known for believing
misinformation. He’s got a pretty
good bullshit detector.
HOOPER
So, what if it is true? Would that
bother you?
HOLDEN
Sex with multiple partners?
Hooper lets our a faux-shock shriek.
HOLDEN
At the same time.
Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.
HOLDEN
Thanks for being so comforting.
HOOPER
So what do you care?
HOLDEN
Well that’s the thing, isn’t it? I
shouldn’t.. but it gets to me.
HOOPER
Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don’t think
she’s been in the middle of an all -
girl group-grope?
HOLDEN
You see - that doesn’t bother me. But
the thought of her and guys... Uh!
HOOPER
Oh Holden, I beg you - please don’t
drop fifty stories in my opinion of
you by falling prey to that latest of
trendy beasts.
HOLDEN
Which is?
HOOPER
Lesbian chic. It’s oh-so acceptable
to be a gay girl nowadays. People
think it’s cute, because they’ve got
this fool picture in their heads about
lipstick lesbians - like they all
resemble Alyssa - while most of them
look more like you.
HOLDEN
Do I detect a little inter-subculture
cattiness?
HOOPER
Gay or straight - ugly’s still ugly.
And most of those boys are scary.
HOLDEN
I thought fags were all supposed to be
super-supportive of one another.
HOOPER
Screw that ‘all for one’ shit. I
gotta deal with being the minority in
the minority of the minority, and
nobody’s supporting my ass? While the
whole of society is fawning over girls-
on-girls, here I sit - a reviled gay
man, and to top that off, I’m a gay
black man - notoriously the most
swishy of the bunch.
HOLDEN
Three strikes.
HOOPER
Hey, hey! There’s a line.
A young BLACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic
book.
KID
Are you Hooper X?
HOOPER
(in militant mode)
A-salaam Alaikum, little brother.
KID
Could you sign my comic?
HOOPER
(signing comic; nods to
Holden)
See that guy there? He’s the devil,
you understand? Never take your eye
off the Man. Our people took their
eyes off him one time, and he had us
in chains in two shakes of his snake’s
tail.
The Kid offers Holden an angry look. Hooper gives him
back his comic.
HOOPER
Fight the power, little ‘G’.
KID
Word is bond
The Kid leaves, Hooper slips back into his real voice.
HOOPER
Look at what I have to resort to for
professional respect. What is it
about gay men that terrifies the rest
of the world.
(shakes his head)
As for this hang-up with Alyssa’s
past, maybe what’s really bothering
you is that your fragile fantasy might
not be true.
HOLDEN
What do you mean?
HOOPER
Holden - don’t even try to come off
like you don’t know what I’m saying.
Men need to believe that they’re Marco
fucking Polo when it comes to sex -
like they’re the only ones who’ve ever
explored new territory. And it’s hard
not to let them believe it. I let my
boys run with it for awhile - feed
them some of that "I’ve never done
this before..." bullshit, and let ‘em
labor under the delusion that they
rockin’ my world, until I can’t stand
them anymore. Then I hit ‘em with the
truth. It’s a sick game. The world
would be a better place if people
would just accept that there’s nothing
new under the sun, and everything you
can do with a person has probably been
done long before you got there.
HOLDEN
I can accept that.
HOOPER
Honey, that almost sounded convincing.
Do yourself a favor - just ask her
about her past, point blank. Get it
out of the way, before it gets too big
for both ya’ll to move.
(spotting something OC)
Oooh! ‘Myra Breckinridge’!
Hooper trots off, Holden glances at the disc in his
hands. Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely
clad, making out. The title is ‘Men Suck.. and so do
Girls - All XXX Action.’
INT HOCKEY RINK - NIGHT
On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and
back, checking galore.
In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches
the game with a large degree of enjoyment. Sitting
beside her, Holden doesn’t seem to share her enthusiasm.
ALYSSA
Since most of these people are rooting
for the home team, I’m going to cheer
for the visitors. I’m a big visitors
fan - especially the kind that make
coffee for you in the morning before
they go.
(smiles at Holden; no
response)
That was a joke. A little wacky
wordplay?
HOLDEN
What do you mean, ‘visitors’?
ALYSSA
Was I being too obscure? The kind
that - until recently - had no dicks
and would spend the night.
HOLDEN
So that was until recently!
ALYSSA
Oh, yeah.
(shouting; to ice)
Hey - foul! Foul! He was traveling
or something!
HOLDEN
So nobody bur me has stayed the night
at your place since we got together?
ALYSSA
(beat)
Something on your mind, Holden?
HOLDEN
No, I was just wondering,
ALYSSA
If I’ve been ‘faithful’ or something?
HOLDEN
Look, I was just asking.
ALYSSA
(toucher his face)
Oh, sweetie. I only have eyes for
you.
(to ice)
CALL THAT FUCKING SHIT, REF!! THE GUY
ON THE SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY
GUYS!!
(to Holden)
I told you I was great at sporting
events. Imagine what a bitch I could
be if I knew what was going on?
ON THE ICE - Things heat up between two opposing PLAYERS.
One snatches the puck away from the other and skates off.
The other Player gives chase.
Alyssa’s very into the game. Holden shakes his head
HOLDEN
That’d make Banky half right.
ALYSSA
About what?
HOLDEN
He said all the girls from North were
bitches and sluts.
ALYSSA
Really. I’m sorry - you two left high
school behind how many years ago?
(grabs his face and kisses
his cheek)
Can I put some of my books in your
locker?
(goes back to watching game)
HOLDEN
(under his breath)
How about your yearbook.
ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player
with the puck.
Alyssa jumps to her feet.
ALYSSA
(to ice)
IF YOU DON’T START USING THAT WHISTLE
I’M GONNA JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR
ASS!!
(to guy next to her)
Right?
HOLDEN
What’s with ‘Finger Cuffs’?
ALYSSA
(sitting back down)
‘Finger Cuffs’?
HOLDEN
Yeah. In your senior yearbook your
nickname was ‘Finger Cuffs’. What is
that?
ALYSSA
It was? Shit, damned if I can
remember. I’d look it up, but I threw
all that shit our years ago?
(beat)
Where’d you see a North yearbook?
HOLDEN
Do you know Rick Derris?
ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the corner where
Player One checks Player Two into the boards, hard.
Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws down his
gloves.
The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild.
ALYSSA
Rick? Sure. We used to hang out in
high school.
(to ice)
PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING NECK, NUMBER
TWELVE!!
HOLDEN
Did you go out with him or something?
ALYSSA
(eyes on the ice)
Date Rick Derris? No. We just hung
out a lot.
HOLDEN
Just... you and him?
ALYSSA
No. Me, Rick, and... um... what was
that guy’s name...?
HOLDEN
Cohee?
ALYSSA
Yeah! Cohee Lundin. God, I haven’t
thought about that name in years.
ON THE ICE - The Players square off. Player Two pulls
Player One’s helmet off and punches him in the face.
Holden looks as if he’d Like to do the same to his
companion. Alyssa’s into the game.
ALYSSA
I remember those guys’d come over
almost everyday after school. They’d
bug my sisters, look for porno tapes
in my dad’s closet, raid our fridge.
They really took advantage of my
parents never being home.
ON THE ICE - Player Two yanks at Player One’s jersey and
gut punches him. Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden’s
anger, so enthralled with the action is she.
ALYSSA
(starts laughing)
This one day... Rick pulled out his
dick and chased me around the house
with it! Right in front of Cohee! I
couldn’t believe it! Guys are weird -
I thought the whole size hang-up made
you all terrified to show your dicks
to each other?
ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly
rights his jersey and lunges at Player Two, landing a
barrage of his own punches. Blood sprays across the ice.
Holden’s face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking. Alyssa’s
still in the game.
HOLDEN
Rick pulled his dick out? Really?
What’d you do?
ALYSSA
(looks him dead in the eye)
I blew him while Cohee fucked me.
ON THE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming
his fist into Player Two’s nose. The blood shoots out
like a geyser, and Two goes down hard.
Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted. The crowd around
them stares not at the fight on the ice, but the fight in
their midst, shocked. Alyssa fumes.
HOLDEN
Excuse me!?!
ALYSSA
That’s what you wanted to hear, isn’t
it? Isn’t that what this little cross-
examination of your’s is about? Well
try not to be so obvious about it next
time, there are subtler ways of
badgering a witness.
(to Bystander)
Am I right?
BYSTANDER
(to Holden)
Jeez, even I knew what you were
getting at.
ALYSSA
(gathering her stuff)
If you wanted some background
information on me, all you had to do
was ask - I’d have gladly volunteered
it. You didn’t have to play Hercules
fucking Poirot!
She storms away. Holden chases after her. The Bystander
watches them go.
BYSTANDER
(to companion)
I told you these were good seats.
INT RINK LOBBY / EXT PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Alyssa marches quickly, pulling on her coat. Holden
catches up to her. We track with them our into the
parking lot.
HOLDEN
So it’s true?!
ALYSSA
Yes Holden! In fact, everything you
heard or dug up on me was probably
true! Yeah, I took on two guys at
once! You want to hear some gems you
might not have unearthed - I took a
twenty six year old guy to my senior
prom, and then left halfway through to
have sex with him and Gwen Turner in
the back of a limo! And the girl who
got caught in the shower with Miss
Moffit, the gym teacher? That was me!
Or how about in college, when I let
Shannon Hamilton videotape us having
sex - only to find out the next day
that he broadcast it on the campus
cable station?! They’re all true -
those and so many more! Didn’t you
know? I’m the queen of urban legend!
HOLDEN
How the hell could you do those
things?!
ALYSSA
Easily! Some of it I did out of
stupidity, some of it I did out of
what I thought was love, but - good or
bad - they were my choices, and I’m
not making apologies for them now -
not to you or anyone! And how dare
you try to lay a guilt trip on me
about it - in public, no less! Who
the fuck do you think you are, you
judgemental prick?!
HOLDEN
How am I supposed to feel about all of
this?
ALYSSA
How are you supposed to feel about it?
Feel what ever the fuck you want about
it! The only thing that really
matters is how you feel about me.
HOLDEN
I don’t know how I feel about you now.
ALYSSA
Why? Because I had some sex?
HOLDEN
Some sex?
ALYSSA
Yes, Holden - that’s all it was: some
sex! Most of it stupid high school
sex, for Christ’s sake! Like you
never had sex in high school!
HOLDEN
There’s a world of fucking difference
between typical high school sex and
two guys at once! They fucking used
you?
ALYSSA
I used them! You don’t think I
would’ve let it happen if I hadn’t
wanted it to, do you?! I was an
experimental girl, for Christ’s sake!
Maybe you knew early on that your
track was from point ‘a’ to ‘b’ - but
unlike you I wasn’t given a fucking
map at birth, so I tried it all! That
is until we - that’s you and I - got
together, and suddenly, I was sated.
Can’t you take some fucking comfort in
that? You turned out to be all I was
ever looking for - the missing piece
in the big fucking puzzle!
(tries to calm down)
Look I’m sorry I let you believe that
you were the only guy I’d ever been
with. I should’ve been more honest.
But it seemed to make you feel special
in a way that me telling you over and
over again how incredible you are
would never get across.
She touches his face. He pulls back. She stares at him,
hurt and pissed.
ALYSSA
Do you mean to tell me that - while
you have zero problem with me sleeping
with half the women in New York City -
you have some sort of half-assed,
mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent
antics, that took place almost ten
years ago? What the fuck is your
problem?!?
Holden’s eyes are downcast. Alyssa waits for a response.
HOLDEN
I want us to be something that we
can’t.
ALYSSA
And what’s that?
HOLDEN
(beat)
A normal couple.
Holden skulks off. Alyssa stares after him, and then
starts kicking and punching a car beside her, finally
slumping to the ground. She cries.
INT STUDIO - DUSK
Holden sits on the couch, alone in the dark. The door
opens and Banky enters. He stands there, sizing up
Holden’s mood.
BANKY
The girl?
Holden nods. Banky nods back. He stands there for a
beat. Then he sits beside Holden. He opens his arms.
Holden shifts into his friend’s embrace and begins crying
on his shoulder. Banky pats his back. Pull back on a
man in pain and the comfort of a friend.
INT DINER - NIGHT
Holden sits alone at a booth. He stirs his iced tea.
OC VOICE
Yo, look at this morose mother fucker
here..
Holden looks up. JAY and SILENT BOB stand above him.
JAY
Smells like somebody shit in his
cereal.
Holden offers a half-smile. The pair slide into the
booth.
HOLDEN
What took you so long?
JAY
We were at the mall. You bring the
salad?
Holden pulls an envelope out of his jacket and tosses it
to Jay. Jay opens it and pulls out a thick wad of bills,
along with the latest issue of ‘BLUNTMAN and CHRONIC.’
JAY
Man, this likeness rights shit is more
profitable than selling smoke.
HOLDEN
How’d a dirt merchant like you ever
learn about likeness rights?
JAY
(hands envelope to Silent
Bob)
We deal to a lot of lawyers. Speaking
of which...
(pulls out a dime bag)
Little signing bonus and shit!
HOLDEN
I’ll pass. Take a look at the issue.
Silent Bob thumbs through the comic. Jay looks over his
shoulder, as he begins rolling a joint.
JAY
Yeah. When you gonna get some pussy
in that book, man! Throw some super-
villain in with big fucking tits that
shoot milk or something, and I just
drink her dry, bust some moves on
her...
(demonstrates)
...and then she has to fuck me.
(Silent Bob hits him)
Fuck us.
HOLDEN
I’ll see what I can do.
A WAITRESS joins them.
WAITRESS
What can I get you.
HOLDEN
Nothing, thanks.
JAY
Yo Flo - tell Mel to whip me up a
toasted bagel and cream cheese.
(to Silent Bob)
You want one too?
(Silent Bob nods)
Make that two. And kiss my grits.
Noonch.
(the Waitress leaves; to
Holden)
D’jever watch ‘Alice’? That show’s
good as hell.
(continues rolling)
So why the long face, Horse? Banky on
the rag?
HOLDEN
When is he not? No - I’m just having
some girl trouble.
JAY
Bitch pressing charges? I get that a
lot.
HOLDEN
No. I’m just at a point where I don’t
know what to do.
JAY
Kick her to the curb. Girls get to be
too much trouble, there’s always the
‘band of the hand’.
HOLDEN
Can’t do it, g. I’m in love.
JAY
Ah, there ain’t no such thing. You
gotta boil it all down to the
essentials. It’s like Cube says -
life ain’t nothing but bitches and
money.
HOLDEN
Just what I needed - advice from the
‘hood
JAY
Who is this girl?
HOLDEN
I don’t think you know her.
JAY
Come on man - I’m people who know
people.
HOLDEN
You sound like Barbra Streisand.
JAY
That’s ‘cause I got this tubby bitch
playing her greatest hits tape in my
ear all the time. You should see him:
she starts singing ‘You Don’t Bring Me
Flowers’, this faggot starts crying
like a little girl with a skinned knee
and shit. It’s embarrassing. I got
the only muscle in the world with a
weakness for ballads.
(to Silent Bob)
You big fucking softie.
(to Holden)
So what’s this skirt’s name!
HOLDEN
I’m telling you, you don’t know her.
JAY
I ain’t playing. Tell me her name,
Mysterio.
HOLDEN
Alyssa Jones.
JAY
Finger Cuffs?
Holden rubs his eyes.
JAY
You’re dating Finger Cuffs? Wait a
minute I thought she was all gay and
shit!
HOLDEN
She is. Or was. I don’t know.
The Waitress returns with the order.
JAY
And you go out with her? Shit, man -
you’re a lucky dog. She bring other
chicks to bed with you, get a little
of that filet o’ fish sammich going
on?
The Waitress stares wide-eyed and offended at Jay.
JAY
(off the Waitress’ look)
Yeah - you know what I’m talking
about, baby.
(Waitress leaves; to
Holden)
So - four tits, or what?
HOLDEN
It’s not like that.
JAY
Well what’s it like then?
HOLDEN
Right now?
(beat)
I don’t know. I love her. But she
has a past
JAY
I’ll say. Stuffin’ two guys, eating
chicks out. Yo - I heard one time,
she had this dog...
HOLDEN
Eat your fucking bagel already!
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Look at this touchy mother fucker
right here.
(to Holden)
So, if you’re all in love with her,
what’s the problem?
HOLDEN
The problem is shit like that. It was
one thing when it was just girls -
that was weird enough. But now you
throw guys into the mix - two guys at
once, no less. All that
experience...What am I supposed to
think?
JAY
You think good; because now she’ll be
all true blue and shit. The girl’s
tasted life, yo. Now she’s settlin’
for your boring, funny-book-makin’
ass.
HOLDEN
Settling. That’s comforting, Jay.
Thanks.
JAY
That’s what I’m here for.
HOLDEN
I’m lust having a problem with all of
it I can’t get it out of my head these
visuals of her doing all this shit.
And I don’t know why I can’t let it
go. Because I’m crazy about her, you
know? I look at this girl, I see the
future. I see kids. I see grand-
kids.
JAY
You’re scaring me.
HOLDEN
I’m scaring myself. Because I think
so much of her, and then I can’t get
over shit like ‘Finger Cuffs’.
(shakes his head)
I don’t know what I’m doing.
Holden looks out the window. Jay continues to roll his
joint. There’s silence. Then...
BOB
You’re chasing Amy.
Holden’s head snaps forward. He stares, wide-eyed at
Silent Bob.
HOLDEN
What..what did you say?
BOB
You’re chasing Amy.
Holden stares, shocked. He looks to Jay, who’s still
rolling his joint.
JAY
What do you look so shocked for? He
does this all the time. Fat bastard
thinks just because he never says
anything, that it’ll have some huge
impact when he does open his fucking
mouth.
BOB
Why don’t you shut up? Jesus! Always
yap, yap, yapping all the time. Give
me a fucking headache.
(to Holden)
I went through something like what
you’re going through. Years ago.
Same kind of thing with a girl named
Amy.
JAY
When?
BOB
A couple of years ago.
JAY
What’d she ‘Live in Canada’ or
something? Why don’t I remember this?
BOB
What you don’t know about me I can
just about squeeze into the Grand
fucking Canyon. Did you know I always
wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
Jay and Holden look at him. Silent Bob busts a move with
his hands.
BOB
Hunhh? Bet you didn’t know that?
JAY
Just cell your fucking story so we can
get out of here and smoke this.
BOB
(to Holden)
So there’s me an Amy, and we’re all
inseparable, right? Just big time in
love. And then about four months in,
I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb
move, I know, but you know how it is -
you don’t really want to know, but you
just have to... stupid guy bullshit.
Anyway she starts telling me all about
him - how they dated for years, lived
together, her mother likes me better,
blah, blah, blah - and I’m okay. But
then she tells me that a couple times,
he brought other people to bed with
them - menage a tois, I believe it’s
called. Now this just blows my mind.
I mean, I’m not used to that sort of
thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
JAY
Saint Shithead.
Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to
strike.
BOB
Do something.
(to Holden)
So I get weirded out, and just start
blasting her, right? This is the only
way I can deal with it - by calling
her a slut, and telling her that she
was used - I mean, I’m out for blood I
want to hurt her - because I don’t
know how to deal with what I’m
feeling. And I’m like "What the fuck
is wrong with you?" and she’s telling
me that it was that time, in that
place, and she didn’t do anything
wrong, so she’s not gonna apologize.
So I tell her it’s over, and I walk.
JAY
Fucking a.
BOB
No, idiot. It was a mistake. I
wasn’t disgusted with her, I was
afraid. At that moment, I felt small -
like I’d lacked experience, like I’d
never be on her level or never be
enough for her or something.
And what I didn’t get was that she
didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for
that guy anymore. She was looking for
me. But by the time I realized this,
it was too late, you know. She’d
moved on, and all I had to show for it
was some foolish pride, which then
gave way to regret. She was the girl,
I know that now. But I pushed her
away...
Everyone’s silent Silent Bob lights a cigarette.
BOB
So I’ve spent every day since then
chasing Amy...
(takes a drag from his smoke)
So to speak.
They sit there for a beat. Jay pockets the rest of his
dime-bag.
JAY
Enough of this fucking melodrama. My
advice - forget her, dude. There’s
one woman in the world. One woman,
with many faces.
(to Silent Bob)
Get up, bitch
(to Holden)
We gotta book. We’re catching a bus
to Chi-town.
HOLDEN
What’s there?
JAY
Business, yo. How many more of those
phat envelopes do we got coming to us?
HOLDEN
I don’t know. I don’t know if the
book’s going to be around much longer.
JAY
Yeah? Good. I’ll be glad as shit
when it’s gone.
HOLDEN
Are you kidding me? There’s millions
of people out there that’d love to see
themselves in a comic book.
JAY
I know. I spend every fucking waking
hour with one of them. But it ain’t
like us at all - all slapsticky and
shit - running around like dicks,
saying... What’s that shit you got me
saying?
HOLDEN
Snootchie-bootchies.
JAY
‘Snootchie-bootchies’. Who talks like
that? That’s baby-talk.
(slaps his hand)
It’s a big world, g - but we’re bound
to run into you again. Until then -
keep your unit on you.
HOLDEN
I’ll try.
BOB
Do, or do not - there is no ay.
JAY
(slaps him)
Knock it off! Get your fat ass moving
- we got a bus to catch.
(under his breath)
Jedi-bitch.
Exit Jay and Silent Bob. Holden remains in the booth,
thinking.
MONTAGE - AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE
1) Holden sits at his drawing table, tapping his pencil
up and down.
2)Alyssa sits in a club, getting talked at by some women.
She’s not present in the conversation.
3) Banky meets with Sloss at a restaurant Sloss shakes
the contracts at him, and Banky makes the "I know, I
know," face.
4) Holden stares at the picture Alyssa gave him.
5) Alyssa with her ear to the phone. She hangs up,
angrily.
6) Holden sits in the park that he and Alyssa walked
through. He’s staring at Alyssa’s yearbook picture. He
closes the book and sighs. Then, an idea hits him. He
jumps up and dashes out of the park.
INT STUDIO - NIGHT
Banky and Alyssa sit on the couch. Holden paces in front
of them.
HOLDEN
I know you’re wondering why I asked
you both here tonight, at the same
time, knowing that we have shit to
settle between us, separately.
BANKY
I just figured you wanted to kill two
birds with one stone by telling her to
fuck off with me here so you didn’t
have to go through the story again
later on.
ALYSSA
Fuck you.
BANKY
Not even if you let me videotape it.
HOLDEN
Enough!
(they both look at him)
I’ve been going through things, over
and over. And I dissected it all, and
looked at it a thousand different
ways. Banky - there’s friction
between us for the first time in our
lives. You hate me dating Alyssa and
you want me to sign off on this M-TV
thing.
BANKY
How perceptive.
HOLDEN
Alyssa - you and I hit a wall, because
I don’t know how to deal with... your
past, I guess.
BANKY
That’s a nice way of putting it. I’d
have said the whole double-stuff
thing...
HOLDEN
(right in his face)
I’m only going to say it once: shut
up.
(back to pacing)
Now - I know I’m to blame one way or
the other on both accounts. With you,
Alyssa - it’s my fault because I feel
inadequate. Because you’ve had so
much experience, had such a big life;
and my life’s been pretty small in
comparison.
ALYSSA
That doesn’t matter to me...
HOLDEN
Please. I have to get through this.
(beat)
And with you Banky - I know why you’re
having such a hard time with Alyssa,
and it’s something that’s been obvious
forever, but I guess I just didn’t
acknowledge it.
(takes a deep breath)
You’re in love with me.
BANKY
(makes a face; beat)
What?
HOLDEN
You’re attracted to me. Just as, in a
way, I’m attracted to you. I mean, it
makes sense - we’ve been together so
long, we have so much in common...
BANKY
(getting up)
Well, I’ve got to get home and catch
the last few minutes of ‘Babylon 5’,
so I’ll be...
Holden grabs him, kisses him full on the lips, and pushes
him back onto the couch Alyssa reacts. Banky - wide-eyed
and speechless - looks away.
HOLDEN
It’s something you’re going to have to
deal with. Bank. You may very well
be gay, which explains your homophobia
and why you’re so jealous of Alyssa,
and your sense of humor as well.
BANKY
Just ‘cause a guy’s got a predilection
coward dick jokes...
HOLDEN
Bank. Stop. Deal with it. You’ll
feel much better.
He grabs a chair from the side of the room.
HOLDEN
Now - at this point, you may be asking
yourself the question that I’ve been
going over and over in my head for the
last few days: what does one have to
do with the other?
Alyssa’s face drops. She subtly shakes her head.
ALYSSA
(under her breath)
Don’t.
HOLDEN
And when I did some serious soul-
searching, it came at me from out of
nowhere, and suddenly it all made
sense - a calm came over me. I know
what we have to do. And then you -
Bank, you Alyssa, and I - all of us...
can finally be... alright.
ALYSSA
(again, under her breath)
Please don’t say it.
HOLDEN
(sits in the chair; takes a
long beat)
We’ve all got to have sex together.
The room is silent. Holden Lights a cigarette. Banky’s
eyes nearly bug. Alyssa’s head drops.
HOLDEN
Don’t you see? That would take care
of everything. Alyssa - I wouldn’t
feel inadequate or too conservative
anymore. I’ll have done something on
par with all the experience you’ve
had. And it’ll be with you, which’ll
make it that much more powerful. And
Banky - you can cake that leap that
everyone else but you sees that you
should take. And it’ll be okay,
because it’ll be with me - your best
friend for years. We’ve been
everything to each other but
intimates. And now, we’ll have been
through that together too. And it
won’t have to be a total leap for you,
because a woman will be involved. And
when it’s over, all that aggression
you feel toward Alyssa will be gone.
Because you’ll have shared in
something beautiful with the woman I
love. It’ll be cathartic. A true
communion. We have to do this. For
me, for both of you... for all of our
sakes. This will keep us together.
(beat)
What do you say?
Banky stares forward, wide-eyed. He leans back into the
couch and lets out a huge sigh. Then shrugs.
BANKY
Sure.
Holden smiles at his friend. Then he looks at Alyssa.
HOLDEN
You know I need this. You know it’ll
help.
Alyssa looks at him, sadly.
ALYSSA
No.
Holden reacts, shocked Banky lets out a sigh of relief.
HOLDEN
No? I... I thought you’d be into
this.
ALYSSA
You did? What does that say about me?
HOLDEN
But you’ve... you’ve done... stuff...
like this. This should be no big deal
for you.
ALYSSA
You don’t want this.
(lights her cigarette)
You really don’t want this. Trust me.
HOLDEN
I need this. This has to happen. Why
can’t you see that? And how can you
not? What does that say about me?
You can take it from two guys whose
names you can barely remember, but I
ask you to share an experience like it
- where it’s about intimacy - and you
say no?
ALYSSA
(inhales from her cigarette,
takes a beat)
I can’t.
Holden moves to her side of the couch.
HOLDEN
You can. I’ll be there. And when
it’s over, we’ll be the strongest
we’ve ever been because we got through
some nasty shit together. And we’ll
finally be on the same level together.
And then there’ll be nothing we can’t
accomplish.
A tear rolls down her cheek She looks at him, sadly, and
touches his face.
ALYSSA
Oh Holden.
(trying to compose herself)
That time is over for me. I’ve been
there. I’ve done it. And I didn’t
find what I was looking for in any of
it. I found that in you - in us.
Doing this won’t help you forget about
the things you’re hung up on. It’ll
create more.
HOLDEN
No it won’t. I thought about all of
that.
ALYSSA
No, it will. Maybe you’ll see me
differently from then on - maybe
you’ll despise me for going along with
it, once you’re in the moment. Maybe
I’ll moan differently and then you’ll
resent Banky, and become suspicious of
us. Or you’ll alienate him because of
it, and then grow to blame and hate me
for the deterioration of your
friendship. Or what if- I sincerely
doubt it, but what if - I saw
something in Banky that I never saw
before, and fell in love with him and
left you. I’ve been down roads like
this before; many times. I know you
feel doing this will broaden your
horizons and give you experience. But
I’ve had those experiences on my own.
I can’t accompany you on your’s. I’m
past that now.
(touches his face; stares to
cry)
Or maybe I just love you too much.
And I feel hurt and let down that
you’d want to share me with anyone.
Because I never wanted to share you
(holds it in; gets up)
Regardless I can’t be a part of this.
(beat)
Or you. Not anymore
(hugs him)
I love you. I always will. Know
that.
She releases him, then slaps him.
ALYSSA
But I’m not your fucking whore.
Alyssa storms away, stopping briefly to look Banky up and
down.
ALYSSA
He’s your’s again.
She walks our of the studio. The door closes behind her.
Banky and Holden stand there, silently. Cut to black.
INT COMIC BOOK SHOW - DAY
It’s ONE YEAR later. We’re at another show, not unlike
the one from the opening.
A copy of ‘Bluntman and Chronic’ enters the frame. The
cover reads ‘The Death Chronic’, complete with a
corresponding drawing.
BANKY V.O.
Blast from the past.
Banky sits at his own signing table. Behind him hangs a
banner that reads ‘BANKY EDWARDS - CREATOR Of BABY DAVE’.
A small line is formed in front of him. He talks with a
FAN.
FAN
Do you know how much it’s going for
these days? One ten. You signing it
will push that up even higher,
BANKY
If you sell it, I want a kickback
(starts signing)
FAN
I don’t know if this is true, but I
heard once that there was going to be
an animated series.
BANKY
There was going to be
FAN
What happened!
BANKY
(off comic)
You’re looking at it. No Chronic - no
cartoon
FAN
That sucks man. That would’ve been
awesome.
BANKY
Tell me about it
FAN
Is that what happened to you and
Holden McNeil? You got into a fight
over the rights or something?
BANKY
It was a little more involved than
that.
FAN
Whatever happened to him?
BANKY
He quit the biz. I guess.
FAN
You guys don’t talk anymore?
BANKY
(looks OC)
No. Not really.
Banky locks eyes with someone OC. His expression
softens.
Holden leans against a wall on the far side of the room.
He smiles at Banky. Banky smiles back, and sort of nods.
Holden holds up a copy of Banky’s new solo comic. He
points to it and gives a thumbs up.
OC FAN
Probably shouldn’t have killed off
Chronic.
Banky smiles to OC.
BANKY
Guess not. Some doors just shouldn’t
be opened.
Banky looks in another direction, OC. He looks at Holden
and points to it. Holden looks in the same direction,
and then looks back at Banky and nods.
OC FAN
You don’t need that guy, anyway. You
do great stuff without him.
Banky looks at Holden for a beat. Then he brings his
pointer fingers together, mimicing Holden’s ‘shared
moment’ gesture.
Holden shrugs slightly, then crosses his fingers - as if
to say ‘hopefully’.
OC FAN
You were just carrying that guy,
anyway.
Banky sort of smiles at the OC Holden. Then he offers
his own thumbs up - as to say ‘good luck’.
BANKY
(to fan, still looking OC)
You’re so right.
Holden smiles back, nods ‘bye’, and walks off.
OC FAN
Well, keep up the good work, man.
Love them dick jokes. Love ‘em. See
ya.
The Fan Leaves, but Banky is watching Holden go.
BXVKY
Yeah. Bye.
(shakes it off)
Okay. Who’s next?
Alyssa sits at a separate signing table, with a line in
front of her. A WOMAN behind her. Alyssa dashes off
signatures in the copies of her comic.
ALYSSA
(to OC departing fan)
Thanks for reading it.
The Woman stands and rubs her shoulders.
WOMAN
I’m going to get a soda. You want
anything?
ALYSSA
I’m fine, thanks,
The Woman heads off. Alyssa starts rummaging through her
bag.
ALYSSA
(not rooking up)
Okay, who’s next!
A comic book drops on the table in front of her. It’s a
comic book called ‘Chasing Amy’.
She leafs through it, not looking up.
ALYSSA
Um... This isn’t one of mine.
OC HOLDEN
It’s mine.
Alyssa looks up sharply.
Holden stands before her, smiling.
HOLDEN
I saved you one.
ALYSSA
Hi.
HOLDEN
Hi.
ALYSSA
(beat)
How’ve you been?
HOLDEN
Good. Really good. Yourself?
ALYSSA
Good
(beat; off her own comic)
New issue’s selling like crazy, for
some reason.
HOLDEN
Because it’s so good. I really liked
it.
ALYSSA
Thank you.
(off comic)
I haven’t even seen this yet. Did it
just come out?
HOLDEN
A month ago. I did a really small
run. Self-financed. Only about five
hundred issues.
ALYSSA
Will I enjoy it?
HOLDEN
You might. It’s familiar subject
matter.
Alyssa leafs through it. Her eyes get somewhat misty.
ALYSSA
Looks Like a very personal story.
HOLDEN
I finally had something personal to
say.
They look at each other for a beat
HOLDEN
I’m going to go. I don’t want to hold
up the line.
ALYSSA
Yeah. I mean, it can get ugly. I
just saw this nun in line call this
small child a cunt-rag.
HOLDEN
(smiles)
Read that, when you have a minute
ALYSSA
I will.
HOLDEN
I’d like to hear your thoughts about
it. If you get a chance, give me a
call.
ALYSSA
Okay.
They look at each other for a beat.
HOLDEN
Nice seeing you again,
ALYSSA
Really nice to see you too.
He walks away. A few steps away, he turns and waves
again. She waves back. And then he starts moving
through the thrall of fan-boys.
The Woman returns with coffee. She follows Alyssa’s
gaze.
WOMAN
who was that?
ALYSSA
Hmm! Oh. Just some guy I knew.
She watches him go for another beat, then.
ALYSSA
(to line)
Next
(to Woman)
So what do you want to do tonight?
And as they fall into conversation, the show goes on.
END