CHASING AMY
by
Kevin Smith
INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY
A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad
others. The most prominent one is called `BLUNTMAN AND
CHRONIC'. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.
HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his
head. BANKY looks over his shoulder.
BANKY
Felt Like this fucking day would never
come. Issue two - on the shelf.
HOLDEN
Yippee.
BANKY
Don't start, alright! This is a cool
moment, and I'd appreciate you not
trying to ruin it. How often does
a guy get the opportunity to purchase
something with his name on it!
(points to name on cover)
Banky Edwards- right!
(points to the other)
Holden McNeil.
HOLDEN
I know my name.
BANKY
C'mon, sour puss. We got the rest of
our lives to be artists. But it's
supply and demand. And right now,
the unwashed masses demand this.
HOLDEN
(off comic)
This is easy, alright! And right now
it pays the bills. Just don't forget
that we're better than this.
BANKY
I'll tell you who we're better than:
these two fags right here.
They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store
manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game.
BANKY
(lays books on the counter)
Alright Old-Maid's - take a break from
the Crazy-8's marathon and ring us up.
STEVE-DAVE
(not looking up)
Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who
it is! The local celebrities. Quick -
get them to autograph one of their
books so we can sell it for triple
it's value.
WALT
I'm not that in need of fifteen cents
right now.
They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his
eyes.
BANKY
You guys operate the smallest, ladies'
bridge circle I've ever seen.
WALT
For your information, we're playing
`Crimson Mystical Mages' - an
overpower card game. Not that either
of you would give a shit about
something as advanced as this -
there are no dick or poopie jokes
involved.
BANKY
(to Holden)
I don't think they're fans.
WALT
No, we're not. You're both a couple
of fucking no talents that got lucky.
STEVE-DAVE
And obviously your handlers or hangers-
on convinced you that your first comic
was good which it was not it was
thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky
bits of dialogue. And when you get
your foot in the door of the business,
what do you do! You turn out a piece
of shit like `Bluntman and Chronic'.
WALT
Tell him, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
(off comic)
`Bluntman and Chronic'. Pah.
What was that thing the little stoner
pulled on the villain in the last
issue!
WALT
The Stinky-palm.
STEVE-DAVE
Stinky-palm. You give comics a bad
name I tell all my customers not to
buy it, to spend their money on a real
comic book.
WALT
Fucking one hit wonder, dime-store
Frank Miller's.
STEVE-DAVE
This is the reality at Comic-Toast -
you're not going to get your ass
kissed here, because both me and Walt
think you suck.
WALT
And me.
STEVE-DAVE
I said that.
Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then
goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and
Banky stare, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both
exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to
playing.
WALT
I've got a dragon card - forty power-
ups and twelve life points! Ha! I
get your elf card!
STEVE-DAVE
You're such a bitch! But thankfully,
I've saved a dark forces Shaman card
for just such an occasion.
WALT
You suck! Eighty six life-power
points to my twenty two!
STEVE-DAVE
I schooled their asses, now I'm
schooling your's.
Suddenly. A trash can crashes through the front window.
Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering
one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to
his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls
something off the garbage can and reads it.
WALT
You know it was those two fucks!
Let's call the cops and have them
busted! I know where their studio is!
Or better yet, let's sue! You can sue
them, Steve-Dave!
STEVE-DAVE
(still reading note)
That won't be necessary.
WALT
What?! Why the hell not!
STEVE-DAVE
(holds up check)
Because this is a check for three
times what that window cost.
(reading note)
"Dear critics - thanks for the
insight. But like my grandmother
always said - `Fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke.. and break their window.'
Kiss it, Banky the Hack.
P.S. - Your card game blows."
WALT
He said "Kiss it"!
CREDITS
INT. COMIC BOOK: CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY
A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting
with comics - leans forward, smiling.
FAN
Could you sign it "To a really big
fan"!
Holden sits at a table. Across from the barely-managing-
to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-
smile in return,
HOLDEN
You bet.
We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-
signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding
HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -
CREATORS OF `BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large
mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner
super-heroes who bear a
striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly
neighborhood drug
dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan.
FAN
I love this book man! This shit's
awesome. I wish I was like these guys
- getting stoned, talking all raw
about chicks and fighting
supervillains! I love these guys!
They're like `Cheech and Chong' meet
`Bill and fed'!
HOLDEN
I like to chink of them as
`Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' meet
`Vladimir and Estragon'.
FAN
Yeah!
(beat)
Who!
BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR.
COLLECTOR
So you draw this!
BANKY
(signing the comic)
I ink it and I'm also the colorist.
The guy next to me draws it. But we
both came up with the characters,
COLLECTOR
What's that mean - you `ink it'!
BANKY
Well. It means that Holden draws the
pictures in pencil, and then he gives
it to me to go over in ink
COLLECTOR
So you just trace!
Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues
signing.
BANKY
It's not tracing. I add depth and
shading to give the image mere
definition. Only then does the drawing
really take shape.
COLLECTOR
You go over what he draws with a pen -
that's tracing.
BANKY
(hands book back to
Collector)
Not really.
(calling out)
Next!
A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers.
COLLECTOR
Hey man. If somebody draws something
and then you draw the same thing right
on top of it, not going out-side the
designated original art what do call
that!
LITTLE KID
(shrugs)
I don't know. Tracing?
COLLECTOR
(to Banky)
See?
BANKY
It's not tracing.
COLLECTOR
Oh, but it is.
BANKY
(to Little Kid)
Do you want Lour book signed or what?
COLLECTOR
Hey - don't get all testy with him
just because you have a problem with
your station in life.
BANKY
I'm secure with what I do.
COLLECTOR
Then say it - you're a tracer.
BANKY
(grabbing Little Kid's book)
How should I sign this?
LITTLE KID
(grabs book back)
I don't want you to sign it, I want
the guy that draws Bluntman and
Chronic to sign it. You're just a
tracer.
COLLECTOR
Tell him, Little Shaver.
Holden accepts a comic from another Fan.
HOLDEN
(off comic)
Who do I sign it to!
Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He
looks to his left and freaks.
Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table.
The Collector attempts to fight him off. SECURITY GUARDS
pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.
COLLECTOR
Jesus! All I did was call him a
tracer!
BANKY
(to Collector)
I'LL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR
DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK?!
HOLDEN
(to Security Guard)
Could you get him out of here!
The Security Guards drag the collector away.
COLLECTOR
Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And
you're dragging me away!!
(exiting)
Fucking tracer!
BANKY
(calling OC)
YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!
HOLDEN
Can I explain the audience principle
to you! If you insult and accost
them, then we have no audience.
BANKY
He started it! Fucking cock-knocker!
He's lucky I didn't put my pen through
his thorax!
HOLDEN
Need I remind you...
(holds up watch)
Curtain's in ten minutes.
INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY
HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-
black/anti-white homeboy.
HOOPER
For years in this industry whenever an
African-American character - hero or
villain - was introduced usually by
white artists and writers - they got
slapped with racist names that singled
them out as negroes: Black Panther,
Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black
Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider,
Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat..
VOICE FROM CROWD
She's white.
HOOPER
She is?
(beat)
Well bust this - regardless.
We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five
creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in
front of them.
(One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind
them reads `WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.
HOOPER
(holds up comic)
Now my book, `White-Hating Coon',
doesn't have any of that bullshit. The
hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a
descendant of the black tribe that
established the first society on the
planet, while all you European mother
fuckers were still hiding in caves and
shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a
strong role model that a young black
reader can look up to, `Cause I'm here
to tell you - the chickens are comin'
home to roost, ya'll: the black man's
no longer gonna play the minstrel in
the medium of comics and Sci-
Fi/Fantasy! We're keeping it real,
and we're gonna get respect -
by any means necessary!
During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up
front.
HOLDEN
(calling out)
Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a
black man, and he got to fly the
Millennium Falcon!
Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of
the comment
HOOPER
Who said that?!?
HOLDEN
(standing)
I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive
black role model in the realm of
Science Fiction/Fantasy.
HOOPER
Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom
nigger! Always some white boy gotta
invoke `the holy trilogy'! Bust this -
those movies are about how the white
man keeps the brother man down - even
in a galaxy far, far away. Check
this shit. You got cracker farm-boy
Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy -
blond hair, blue eyes.
And then you've got Darth
Vader: the blackest brother in the
galaxy. Nubian God.
BANKY
What's a Nubian?
HOOPER
Shut the fuck up! Now Vader, he's a
spiritual brother, with the force and
all that shit. Then this cracker
Skywalker gets his hands on a light-
saber, and the boy decides he's
gonna run the fucking universe - gets
a whole Klan of whites together, and
they're gonna bust up Vader's `hood
the Death Star. Now what the fuck do
you call that!
BANKY
Intergalactic Civil War!
HOOPER
Gentrification. They're gonna drive
our the black element, to make the
galaxy quote, unquote `safe' for white
folks.
HOLDEN
But Vader turns, out to be Luke's
father. And in Jedi, they become
friends.
HOOPER
Don't make me bust a cap in your ass,
yo! Jedi's the most insulting
installment, because Vader's
beautiful, black visage is
sullied when he pulls off his mask to
reveal a feeble, crusty white man!
They're trying to tell us that deep
inside, we all want to be white!
BANKY
Well isn't that true!
Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his
belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling
forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to
scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists
in the air.
HOOPER
BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!! I'LL KILL
ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER
FUCKIN' EYES ON!!!
The crowd-is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing.
Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off
the floor.
HOOPER
(breaking character)
`What's a Nubian!' Bitch, you almost
made me laugh!
Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay.
Actually - he is. Banky smiles.
BANKY
Well what about you! You didn't tell
me you were going to scream `Black
Rage'. I nearly pissed myself.
HOLDEN
How do you manage to get away with
this all the time? Shouldn't cops be
busting your head open right about
now?
BANKY
Wrong coast.
HOOPER
(off gun)
Well this right here - she full of
blanks, okay. And Opiate gets all
sorts of legal clearances before I go
on.
HOLDEN
Your publisher condones these
theatrics!
HOOPER
Condones? Honey, they insist. I need
to sell the image to sell the book
Would the audience still buy the
`Black Rage' angle if they found out
the book was written by a.. a...
BANKY
Faggot.
HOOPER
When you say if it sounds so sexy...
(he kisses Banky full on the
lips)
BANKY
(wipes his lips)
Hey, hey! I'll play your victim, but
not your catcher.
VOICE
How is it that you sound like Minister
Farakhan when you're on stage..
They turn to see...
A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her
purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA. She's the
striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.
ALYSSA
...and the King of Pop when you're
nor.
HOOPER
Look out, boys - this kitten has a
whip.
ALYSSA
(shoves and slaps him)
Always before I get to speak! I swear
- the next con I attend and they ask
me to be on the minority panel, if I
see your name anywhere near the List,
I'm passing.
HOOPER
(defending himself)
Holden. Banky - this pile of P.M.S.
is Alyssa Jones. She does that book
`Idiosyncratic Routine'. This is the
fourth panel we've been on together,
and even though she knows my publisher
sets this up and pays for the event.
She still gets mad when it ends with
my act.
ALYSSA
I just wish I was the one who gets to
shoot you.
HOOPER
That's what my father said when I came
- nay - leapt out of the closet
(off guys)
These boys do `Bluntman and Chronic',
which outsells both of our books put
together, hence they're never on a
panel with the likes of us. They
slumming right now.
BANKY
I've read your book. It's cute.
Chick stuff, but cute.
Holden hits him.
BANKY
What?
HOLDEN
(shoots him a look; to
Alyssa)
Sorry about him. He's dealing with
being an inker.
ALYSSA
(to Banky)
Oh. You trace!
Banky seethes.
HOLDEN
(shaking her hand)
I really enjoy your book I'm surprised
we've never met at any other Con's
before.
ALYSSA
Lose the dick or change your skin tone
and we can get to know each other on
panel after panel while the Pink Black
Panther here plays Chuck D. for the
fanboys.
HOOPER
Hey, jealousy.
(to the Boys)
I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave
drink. Do the Garden-Staters have to
sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can
you stay for a round in the big, scary
city!
BANKY
We're gonna take off soon...
HOLDEN
We'll go.
Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to
Hooper.
BANKY
We'll go.
INT BAR - NIGHT
Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table
drinking, talking, and smoking.
BANKY
Archie, alright! Archie and the
Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-
lovin' bunch. You can't find
dysfunction in those comics, because
they were just flat out wholesome.
HOOPER
Archie and Jughead were lovers.
(sips his drink)
BANKY
Shut the fuck up.
HOOPER
It's true. Archie was the bitch and
Jughead was the butch - that's why
Jughead wears that crown-looking hat
all the time: he the king, of queen
Archie's world.
BANKY
Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on
HOLDEN
He's got a point. Archie never did
settle on Betty or Veronica.
BANKY
Because he wanted them both at the
same time, you assholes! He never
chose one because he was trying to get
both of them into a three-way!
HOOPER
(pulls out a dollar and hands
it to Banky)
Here. I want you to go down to the
corner store and buy yourself a clue.
Go on.
BANKY
Eat it. Urkel.
HOOPER
I told you to watch it with that Urkel
shit. Face it, girl - Archie's a
sister.
BANKY
(getting up; to Hooper)
That's it. You.
HOOPER
Moi?
BANKY
You are marching back across the
street with me, and we're going to
pick up a shit load of Archie books, I
am going to prove to you - beyond the
shadow of a doubt that Archie was all
about pussy. Come on.
HOOPER
(sliding out of booth)
This boy is conflicted, I shall play
mother-therapist for him. You two sit
tight. We shall return promptly.
Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at
the table.
ALYSSA
Is he always Like that!
HOLDEN
For years now. Started back in third
grade - a nun was teaching us about
the Blessed Trinity. She's going on
about the three persons in one God
thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and
he just goes ballistic. I guess it
was too big for him to grasp. They
got into this huge fight.
ALYSSA
Please. How bad could it have been!
HOLDEN
You ever seen a nun call a small child
a `fucking cunt-rag'? Wasn't pretty,
Shit like that's bound to happen when
you make a kid wear a matching tie and
slacks everyday.
ALYSSA
And your parochial school
misadventures!
HOLDEN
Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass.
Turned me into a grade school
alcoholic altar boy. I couldn't tell
you how many mornings after serous
benders I'd wake up next
to strange priests.
ALYSSA
Aren't you the sharp wit!
HOLDEN
Sharp! No. I'm just a fan of clergy-
molestation humor. Probably why the
extended family quit inviting me to
First Communion parties.
Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles.
ALYSSA
(looking OC)
You play darts!
HOLDEN
Not professionally. You know - only
in bars.
AT THE DART BOARD
A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the
board.
Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her’s
always hit. His never do.
ALYSSA
So your new book seems to be selling
like mad.
HOLDEN
It goes back to something my
grandmother told me when I was a kid.
"Holden," she said "The big bucks are
in dick and fart jokes." She was a
church-goer.
ALYSSA
Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a
real artist trapped in commercial hell
- pitying his good fortune. I’m sure
you can dry your eyes on all those fat
checks you rake in.
HOLDEN
I’m sorry - did I detect a note of
bitter envy in there!
ALYSSA
Nope. I’m happy my stuff gets read at
all. There’s very little market for
hearts and flowers in this spandex-
clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns
field. If I sell two issues, I feel
like John Grisham.
HOLDEN
(looking out window)
It’s all about marketing. Over- or
underweight guys who don’t get laid -
they’re our bread and butter. People
like those two outside should be
yours.
Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the
hood of a car.
HOLDEN
And sadly, there are more of our core
audience out there than yours.
(smiles)
Look at that, though - kind of gives
you a little charge, to see two people
in love. And all over Banky’s car, no
less. That car’s seeing more action
right now than it’s seen in years.
ALYSSA
Bubbly guy like that, it’s hard to
figure out why.
HOLDEN
(still looking at OC Couple)
You’ve gotta respect that kind of
display of affection. It’s crazy,
rude, self-absorbed - but it’s love.
ALYSSA
That’s not love.
HOLDEN
Says you.
ALYSSA
That out there! That’s fleeting.
HOLDEN
Fleeting.
ALYSSA
Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love!
Oh, I’ll tell you about love.
HOLDEN
A story?
ALYSSA
The story. The original love story.
HOLDEN
‘Doctor Zhivago’.
ALYSSA
Nope. My mother’s uncle. He was a
millionaire.
HOLDEN
Get out.
ALYSSA
I kid you not.
HOLDEN
Explain.
ALYSSA
All through high school, he dated this
one girl. They were inseparable.
And when they graduated, she went off
to Carnegie Mellon...
HOLDEN
In Pittsburgh.
ALYSSA
I’m impressed. So he stays in the
home town, and they begin their long-
distance relationship. The plan is,
on the third Sunday of every month,
he’ll train out, spend a week then
train back They do this for four
years.
HOLDEN
That is love.
ALYSSA
Not nearly finished. Two months
before she’s going to graduate, he’s
got this job digging graves, and he
comes across...
HOLDEN
A stiff.
ALYSSA
A steamer trunk containing silver
ingots.
HOLDEN
Get out of here.
ALYSSA
Many, many silver ingots. Now, my
mother’s uncle being quite the
ingenious chap - he buries the trunk
again and heads up to the main office,
where he proceeds to purchase a
cemetery plot. Guess which one?
HOLDEN
Clever.
ALYSSA
So now he owns the plot and all of its
contents. Two days later, my
mother’s uncle is worth three million.
HOLDEN
At which time he marries the high
school sweetheart and lives happily
ever after.
ALYSSA
Not even close. Inside the steamer
trunk, stenciled into the wood, or
something like that, is a curse.
HOLDEN
Someone wrote ‘Fuck’ inside his new
steamer trunk.
ALYSSA
Not that kind of curse. A cryptic
curse "Great fortune means great loss"
it said.
HOLDEN
What kind of asshole writes that
inside a steamer trunk!
ALYSSA
The same kind of asshole that buries
silver ingots. The day my mother’s
uncle is heading out to see the girl,
he stops at his accountant’s to grab
some cash, and winds up missing his
train. So he has to take the next one
- which he does - and he gets there an
hour later than his usual time of
arrival, whereupon he sees lights.
HOLDEN
A hero’s welcome for the new
millionaire.
ALYSSA
It seems that while she was standing
on the platform waiting that extra
hour for my mother’s uncle to show up,
the girl was dragged into the bushes
by an unknown assailant, raped and
gutted.
Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink.
ALYSSA
The assailant was never apprehended.
HOLDEN
(beat)
That’s a love story!!
ALYSSA
Yes, and here’s why: my mother’s uncle
rode that train every day for the rest
of his life. One day up, the next day
back. Did that ‘till the day he died.
He donated the fortune he’d acquired
to the train station in Pittsburgh, to
have a well-lit terminal built.
The train line let him ride for free
after that.
HOLDEN
I should hope so. Jesus, that’s the
saddest tale I’ve ever heard.
ALYSSA
That’s my love story.
Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dazed.
He looks out the window.
HOLDEN
Those two aren’t on the hood of
Banky’s car anymore.
ALYSSA
I told you It wasn’t love.
(grabs her purse)
I gotta split. It was really nice
meeting you. I wish you the best of
luck with your book.
(shakes his hand)
Tell Hooper I’ll call him later. And
tell your friend to calm down.
Alyssa exits to the night. Holden stares after her. Two
beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an
‘Everything’s Archie’ comic between them.
BANKY
You’re insane. Archie is not fucking
Mister Weatherbee!
HOOPER
Deny, deny, deny.
(to Holden)
Where’s Alyssa?
HOLDEN
Huh! Oh. She left. She said she’d
call you later.
BANKY
(off comic)
He’s just offering to help Archie with
his homework!
HOOPER
Read between the lines.
BANKY
(shoves book at him)
Fuck this.
(to Holden)
Let’s go. Traffic.
(no response from Holden)
Holden!
HOLDEN
(shaken)
What!
BANKY
Let’s go.
HOOPER
(looking out window)
D’jou see that dent in the hood of
your car!
BANKY
(looking out window)
What the...! Son of a bitch!
Banky runs out Holden shrugs at Hooper.
HOOPER
Let me guess: you like her!
HOLDEN
Who?
HOOPER
Miss Alyssa Jones.
HOLDEN
She’s alright.
HOOPER
As long as that’s all.
(finishes drink)
Maybe you can convince that partner of
your’s to drop me off downtown before
you scurry out the tunnel!
HOLDEN
(beat)
Mister Weatherbee wasn’t really trying
to fuck Archie, was he!
They begin exiting.
HOOPER
Hell no. Weatherbee was Reggie’s
bitch.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
We’re in Holden and Banky’s studio/apartment. It’s a
rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors
and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls,
a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all
the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a
huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent
desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils,
paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Holden and Banky.
They’re working. Some music plays.
C.U. OF HOLDEN PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see
Holden sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch-
nemesis - the Giggler. Holden erases a line and re-
draws.
C.U. OF BANKY INKING - over his shoulder, we see Banky
outlining a pre-penciled page. He traces Bluntman
swinging from a street light.
The two work in silence. Then...
BANKY
(not looking up)
This is one of the best street lights
you’ve ever drawn.
HOLDEN
It’s the one across from the post
office.
BANKY
Looks just like it.
HOLDEN
Thanks.
(beat)
What do you wanna do tonight!
BANKY
Get a pizza. Watch ‘Degrassi Junior
High’.
HOLDEN
(erases)
You got a weird thing for Canadian
melodrama.
BANKY
I’ve got a weird thing for girls who
say ‘aboot’.
The phone starts ringing. Holden answers it, while still
drawing.
HOLDEN
Bank-Hold-Up.
CROSSCUT between Holden and Hooper. He’s on a phone in a
CLUB.
HOOPER
Hooper here. Listen, I know how you
burb-fiends hate the city, but there’s
a club shindig going down that I think
you’d get into.
HOLDEN
Where is it?
HOOPER
Place called Her-sterectomy - I’m
tempting as bar-keep.
HOLDEN
I don’t know, Hoop. We’re prepping
the next issue, and we’ve got our big
M-TV meeting in the morning.
HOOPER
I told her you wouldn’t be interested.
HOLDEN
Told who?
HOOPER
Alyssa.
HOLDEN
Alyssa from last night Alyssa?
HOOPER
How do you begin and end a question
with the same word like that? You got
skill. Yes, that one. She asked me
to invite you. Now here’s the part
where you say...
HOLDEN
I’ll be there.
HOOPER
Thought so. Ten o’clock. Later.
(both hang up)
BANKY
Who was that?
HOLDEN
Hooper. He invited me to a club.
BANKY
When’s that faggot going to learn -
you like chicks.
HOLDEN
(getting up)
Not that kind of a club.
BANKY
So when we leaving?
HOLDEN
‘We’? You can’t go. He’s setting me
up with Alyssa.
BANKY
And?
HOLDEN
And I don’t want you messing it up.
BANKY
Like I care about your shit. Maybe
I’ll hook up myself.
HOLDEN
(pulling on coat)
I just told you - it’s not that kind
of club.
BANKY
How does one man get to be so funny!
HOLDEN
(throws him his coat)
How are you going to get home if I
hook up!
BANKY
Like that’ll happen.
HOLDEN
Let me explain something to you, my
witless chum the other night in that
bar, we two - Alyssa and I shared a
moment, alright!
BANKY
Oh, you had a moment!
HOLDEN
(brings his two pointer
fingers together)
We shared a moment. And in that
moment, one thing was made abundantly
clear: this girl loves me, my friend.
Loves-me.
6. INT. HER-STERECTOMY - NIGHT 6.
It’s a club - people are mingling, a band is playing,
it’s loud. But something’s fishy. Hooper’s tending bar.
He hands a GUY a drink. The Guy sips it.
GUY
This is so watered down. It’s
terrible. Why is it you can never get
a decent drink in these places!
Hooper looks around in a very exaggerated fashion.
GUY
What are you doing!
HOOPER
Trying to find you a tissue.
The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare, Banky enters.
BANKY
Alright - bring on the free hootch.
HOOPER
As long as you don’t bitch about how
little alcohol is in the drink.
(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)
You owe me five sixty.
GUY
(off Banky)
And I suppose you’re going to make
your friend here pay for his drink
right!
BANKY
Hey, I befriended a guy in a position
of authority so I could abuse that
authority and get free shit. You want
to do the same? There’s a lonely
Hindu works at the’7-ll’ across the
street. Get in tight with him.
The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the
bar.
GUY
I work at that ‘7-11’!
(storms away)
BANKY
(calling after him)
Wanna be friends!
HOOPER
Where’s your better half!
BANKY
Taking a piss. Guy’s got a bladder
like an infant.
HOOPER
That’s funny - he says you’re hung
like an infant.
BANKY
Must his mother tell him everything!
Holden enters.
BANKY
What’d you do - fall in love?
HOLDEN
Where is she?
HOOPER
Over there...
ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people -
dances Alyssa. She moves like a cat and she’s looking
very sexy.
OC HOOPER
Been dancin’ for an hour. Hasn’t
stopped yet.
Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC.
BANKY
She ain’t no Denny Terrio, I’ll say
that.
Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit.
HOOPER
Wait. wait, wait - there’s something
you should know.
HOLDEN
She’s got a boyfriend.
HOOPER
Well.. no.
HOLDEN
Then what’s to know?
Holden exits; They watch him go. Banky looks around.
BANKY
There’re a lot of chicks in this
place.
HOOPER
‘Chicks’. You’re such a man.
BANKY
(beat)
He didn’t really say that about my
dick, did he!
ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and
dances up to Alyssa. He intentionally bumps into her.
HOLDEN
(fake rage, dancing)
Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my
cabbage-patch!
ALYSSA
Well, well, well - Bluntman himself.
Or should I call you Chronic!
HOLDEN
Call me flattered. I heard you sent
me the invite to this little soiree’.
ALYSSA
From a former home-town girl, to
Mister Home-Town himself.
HOLDEN
You’re saying you’re from the ‘burbs!
ALYSSA
Middletown, N.J.
HOLDEN
Get out of here! I’m from Highlands!
ALYSSA
I know. Hooper told me.
HOLDEN
How is it that we never ran into one
another?
ALYSSA
You graduate from Hudson?
HOLDEN
Yeah. Eighty eight.
ALYSSA
I went to North. Also eighty eight.
HOLDEN
What a small fucking world. So you
know the tri-town area!
ALYSSA
Quiz me.
HOLDEN
Miller Hill?
ALYSSA
I wrote my name on the wall.
HOLDEN
Sandy Hook?
ALYSSA
Lost my virginity there.
HOLDEN
This is so cool. The mall!
ALYSSA
Eden Prairie of Menlo Park!
HOLDEN
Wait - here’s the big test: Quick
Stop!
ALYSSA
My best friend fucked a dead guy in
the back room.
HOLDEN
You know that girl!!
ALYSSA
I did. Before she was committed.
HOLDEN
You know what this is! This is fate.
ALYSSA
(regarding her move)
No, this is the ‘Rog’.
HOLDEN
I was talking about us meeting - what
are the chances!
ALYSSA
Pretty slim. I haven’t been back to
the ‘burbs since my friend’s funeral.
HOLDEN
The Quick Stop girl died!
ALYSSA
Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She
died in the..
HOLDEN
Y.M.C.A pool! Damn! You knew her
too!
ALYSSA
So well.
HOLDEN
One friend in an asylum, the other
friend in the grave. You’re a
dangerous person to know.
ALYSSA
But I can tap.
(does an impromptu tap dance)
That was the Buffalo Two-Step.
HOLDEN
Very solid.
ALYSSA
That’s what six years of tap lessons
yields.
HOLDEN
Two towns away from each other for
years and we had to meet in New York.
The Sand stops playing. People clap.
ALYSSA
Coulda been worse - we could have not
met at all.
Holden looks at her.
OC SINGER
Thank you. Thanks.
The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.
SINGER
A long time ago, we used to have this
bass player who took off one day to
draw funny books or something. Maybe
you’ve seen her stuff - it’s called
‘Idiosyncratic Routine’’
The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling.
Holden pokes her.
SINGER
But what a lot of people don’t know is
that she used to harbor these
delusions that she could sing. And
she used to subject us to these
throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson
tunes and shit, insisting that we let
her front on a few numbers. Well, we
didn’t and she quit.. and then she got
famous, the bitch.
(crowd laughs)
But she’s here tonight, and I think if
we all begged, or maybe offered her
some X, she’d get up here and treat us
to some of her vocal stylings.
(crowd applauds)
What do you say, Alyssa?
Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden
pushes her forward.
SINGER
She’s shy.
(yelling)
GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!
The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an
embarrassed half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps
along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa
shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd
Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.
BANKY
This is so queer.
(he exits)
HOOPER
(beat)
You don’t know the half of it.
Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the
mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding.
ALYSSA
She is such a twat.
The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band
and says something which they nod. She turns back to the
crowd.
ALYSSA
Alright. I should dedicate this,
right?
(thinks)
This is for that special someone our
there.
Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him.
Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.
The band starts playing. Cross cutting begins.
Alyssa launches into a torchy tune. The song is
extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making
direct eye contact with...
Holden. Or does she! Holden is smiling, being seduced,
Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty
GIRL with a short haircut, who’s also riveted by Alyssa’s
performance.
Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out
there.
The song seems to be aimed at whoever she’s looking at.
It’s more than obvious there’s a seduction going on, bur
of whom! At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but
Alyssa’s preoccupied. She points to someone in the
crowd, and curls her finger back in a ‘c’mere’ fashion,
urging whoever it is to join her. She jumps off the
stage.
Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-
shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps
forward. Banky’s eyes widen. Holden looks up and is
suddenly taken aback.
Alyssa and the Girl race into each other’s arms and fall
into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss.
Holden’s eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across
his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and
for the first time, we get the distinct impression that
this is a lesbian bar...
There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.
Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back.
BANKY
Now that, my friend, is a..
(brings his fingers together,
mimicing Holden)
...shared moment
Holden continues to stare - mouth agape.
Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss.
INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER
Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor
sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make
out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky
stares a little harder. Holden hits him.
BANKY
What?!
HOLDEN
(under his breath)
That’s rude.
BANKY
Man, when are we ever going to get a
chance to see this kind of shit live
without paying for it?
Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.
ALYSSA
Uh-oh - better knock it off: we’re
getting a man excited.
HOLDEN
Sorry. It’s just... new to him.
BANKY
Oh, and you’re an old hand at this.
ALYSSA
No, I should apologize. I don’t
usually get all mushy in public. But
it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Kim
here.
KIM
(formerly the Girl)
Tell me you didn’t set that gross
display up with the band just so you
could nail me.
ALYSSA
Like I’d have to go through that much
effort
KIM
You know what! I want to dance.
ALYSSA
Go ahead. I’ll watch from here.
KIM
(tugging at her arm)
No. I want to dance with you.
ALYSSA
Don’t be such a rag. I have to sit
here and work up the desire to fuck
you later.
KIM
Please.
Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at
him.
ALYSSA
Yes?
BANKY
You said ‘fuck’. To that girl. You
said you’d ‘fuck’ her.
ALYSSA
And?
BANKY
How can a girl ‘fuck’ another girl!
Were you talking about strap-ons or
something?
HOLDEN
(hits him)
Would you shut up!!
BANKY
What!!? It’s a valid question. You
know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse
Letters section is written by guys -
this is our chance to get the inside
scoop.
HOLDEN
(to Alyssa)
I don’t know how many times I can
apologize for him.
ALYSSA
It’s okay. Secretly, all I really
want is to be the center of attention.
(to Banky)
I’ve never used a snap-on.
BANKY
Then what’s with saying ‘fuck?
Shouldn’t you say ‘eat her out’ or at
least modify the term ‘fuck’ with
something like ‘fist’?
ALYSSA
Let me ask you a question - can men
‘fuck’ each other!
BANKY
Ask Hooper.
ALYSSA
In your estimation.
BANKY
Sure.
ALYSSA
So for you, to ‘fuck’ means to
penetrate. You’re used to the more
traditional definition - you inside
some girl you’ve duped, jack-hammering
away, not noticing that bored look in
her eyes.
BANKY
Hey - I always notice the bored look
in their eyes.
ALYSSA
(laughs)
‘Fucking’ is nor limited to
penetration, Banky. For me it
describes any sex when it’s not
totally about love. I don’t love Kim,
but I’ll fuck her. I’m sure you don’t
love every girl you sleep with.
BANKY
Some of them I downright loathe.
ALYSSA
But I’ll bet it’s different with the
ones you love. I’ll bet you go the
full nine when it’s not just a quick
fix - like you go down on them longer
or something.
HOLDEN
Here we go.
BANKY
I don’t do that.
ALYSSA
What?!?!
BANKY
I stopped dropping. It got to be too
frustrating.
HOLDEN
As stupid as you usually come off
during this diatribe of your’s, you’re
going to come off ten times as stupid
on this occasion.
BANKY
What?! I lost my tolerance for the
bullshit baggage that comes with
eating girls out. What’s the big
deal?!
ALYSSA
If you say the smell, so help me, I’ll
slug you.
BANKY
Not the smell - the smell is good.
I’m talking about not being able to do
it property. And my mother brought me
up to believe that if I can’t do
something
right I shouldn’t do it at all. Of
course, my father told me she gave
lousy head, but that’s beside the
point.
ALYSSA
At least you blame yourself for your
sexual inadequacies.
BANKY
No, I blame them. Chicks never help
you out. They never tell you what to
do. And most of them are self-
conscious about that smell factor, and
so most of the time they just lay
there, frozen like a deer in the
headlights, right? Not for nothing,
but when a chick goes down on me. I
let her know where to go, and what the
status is. You gotta handle it like
CNN and the Weather Channel - constant
updates.
HOLDEN
You’re such an idiot.
ALYSSA
No, he’s got a point. That’s how I
was in high school - I was nervous,
and inhibited about being eaten out.
But by the time I got to college, that
all changed. I loosened up. Not only
did I learn to communicate - I learned
to be bossy.
I was like one of those guys at the
airport with those big flash lights -
waving them this way, directing them
that way, telling them when to stop.
BANKY
And that’s all I’m saying, it’d be
different if chicks helped out -
pointed a guy in the right direction.
Then there’d be no bullshit, no wasted
time, and no chance for permanent
injuries.
ALYSSA
Permanent injuries?
BANKY
Sure. You wanna see something
permanent!
(pulls our front tooth)
I got this from Nina Rollins,
sophomore year. I’m going down on
her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps
on her stomach. She does this big ol’
pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in
half, sends it down my throat. I had
to get a crown for the stub.
ALYSSA
(to Holden)
I got that beat.
(to Banky)
I got that beat.
(half-turns and lifts chin)
Sophomore year. I’m going down on
Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after
we went club-hopping. I’m totally
drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall
asleep - right there in her lap. She
got so mad, she digs her heel into my
back, right there.
(points to scar)
That’s permanent.
BANKY
You see this!
(moves neck slightly right)
That’s the farthest I can move my neck
to the right Sophomore year, I’m going
out with Maria Bennert, and for six
months, I’m going down on her, and not
a damn thing’s happening.
Then one night, I change a position,
or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly
it’s a whole new world. She’s moving
around, convulsing, breathing heavy.
And her legs are pressing against my
ears so tightly that I don’t hear her
father come into the room. He grabs
my hair...
(grabs his own hair and pulls
back)
...and he pulls me way back, hard.
ALYSSA
(throws up her leg, and rolls
up pants)
Senior year. Spring Formal. I’m
eating our Missy Kurt in her brother’s
car. She’s laying across the back
seat, and I’m half-hanging out of the
car, my knees on the ground. She’s
flailing around, and she knocks the
parking brake off. The car starts
rolling down the hill, and my right
knee is cut up all to shit like a
kiddy’s scissor class cut it up for
paper dolls.
Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on
his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Then Kim
re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa’s neck.
HOLDEN
(off Banky’s watch)
Holy shit, is that the time. We’ve
gotta beat traffic.
BANKY
What traffic - it’s one thirty in the
morning!
HOLDEN
(getting up)
And rush hour starts in six hours.
Let’s go.
(to Alyssa)
Thanks for inviting us out. It was...
educational.
Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the
booth.
BANKY
(to Kim)
Since you like chicks, right..
do you just look at yourself in the
mirror all the time?
Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches
them go, then turns and kisses Kim.
INT. M-TV EXEC’S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY
Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines,
biting off mini pieces of the gum he’s chewing. He
sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks
up another one and then repeats the whole process. A
Receptionist types.
BANKY
(off Holden’s look)
You’re still dwelling on the dyke,
aren’t you?
HOLDEN
Lower your voice.
BANKY
What’d I tell you - she just needs the
right guy. All every woman really
wants - be it mother, senator, nun -
is some serious deep-dicking.
The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky,
shocked.
BANKY
(off her look)
Don’t give me that look - I heard Adam
Curry say worse.
The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at
Holden.
BANKY
That’s why I can’t buy lesbians.
Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy
fags. Bunch of guys that need dick -
just plain need it? That I get.
Dykes? Bullshit posturing. But -
live and let live, I guess.
HOLDEN
I’m sure the gay community appreciates
your support.
JOHN SLOSS, the boy’s lawyer, joins them.
SLOSS
Please tell me you haven’t blown this
deal already.
BANKY
Sloss like a mother fucker.
(slaps his hand)
SLOSS
Hey, every mother but your’s - a
shyster’s gotta have his standards.
Shall we?
INT. M-TV EXEC’S OFFICE - DAY
The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches
across from our trio.
EXEC 1
We just want to start off by saying
that it’s a pleasure to finally meet
you. While it’s been - shall we say -
an experience dealing with Sloss here,
one of the main reasons we started
this whole thing was to meet the guys
that do ‘Bluntman and Chronic’.
EXEC 2
(points at them)
‘Snootchie Bootchies’.
The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely
join in. Banky shoots Holden a ‘these guys are idiots’
look.
EXEC 1
Which brings us to our proposal: we
are extremely interested in doing
twelve, half-hour ‘Bluntman and
Chronic’ cartoons. The age of Beavis
is coming to a close, and we’re
looking for something... something...
BANKY
Even more retarded and juvenile to
sate the voracious, intellectually-
challenged miscreants that make up
your key demographic.
The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and
gives the thumbs up.
EXEC 1
(composes himself)
So what do you say! Are we in
business!
Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful
face. He looks to Holden, then to Sloss. Sloss nods in
understanding.
SLOSS
Jim, Sean - could we have a few
minutes!
EXEC 2
(looks to Exec 1)
Uh... absolutely. We’ll just..
EXEC 1
Uh...wait outside
The Exec’s smile and head our, closing the door behind
then. Sloss turns to Banky.
SLOSS
So? Did I do good?
BANKY
You did better - you sold us out!
They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.
SLOSS
Do you know how much you’ll make on
merchandising alone!
BANKY
(as Simon Bar Sinister)
Money and Power, and Money and
Power...
SLOSS
(joins in)
Money dnd Power, and Money and...
HOLDEN
(interrupting)
I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden.
BANKY
What’s not a good idea! Please don’t
say the cartoon, please don’t say the
cartoon...
HOLDEN
The cartoon.
SLOSS
What?!? Are you out of your fucking
mind!
BANKY
(getting up)
John, let me handle this.
( to Holden)
You are out of your fucking mind,
aren’t you!
HOLDEN
Is this how you want to be remembered!
As the guy who created Bluntman and
Chronic!
Banky sits at the Exec’s desk and starts rifling through
the guy’s stuff.
BANKY
No, I’d like to be remembered as the
filthy rich guy who created Bluntman
and Chronic.
HOLDEN
But it’ll be all glossy and main-
stream. We’ll lose any artistic
credibility we ever had.
SLOSS
(to Banky)
Is it me! I don’t see the problem.
BANKY
(to Sloss)
He just has to get over this crush of
his.
SLOSS
Oh God - not on Carrie Fisher again!
(to Holden)
Holden - she’s not really a Princess.
BANKY
(opening drawer with a letter
opener)
Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the
chick that does that comic book
‘Idiosyncratic Routine’. You ever
seen it?
SLOSS
Please. Like I even read your comic,
let alone anyone else’s,
(to Holden)
I’m not limited to offering you legal
counsel only, my friend. I’m also
learned in the ways of the heart, and
can offer you this advice - nail her,
get it out of your system, and move
on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good
fences make good neighbors.
BANKY
She’d never let him in her yard. The
chick’s gay.
SLOSS
(laughing)
She’s gay? You fell for a gay, comic-
book writing chick? Holden, you poor,
poor man!
(beat)
Wait a sec - does she have
representation!
BANKY
Always working, you.
(holds up a Polaroid of a
naked woman)
Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a
string of pearls hanging our of her
ass,
SLOSS
Would you leave his stuff alone!
(to Holden)
You can break her resolve, killer.
All it takes is one good man. But if
it takes two good men, don’t hesitate
to call me. That being said, in
regards to the more pressing issue, I
suggest you leave art to the museums
and grab on with both hands to the
big, fat check.
HOLDEN
I’ll give it some thought
BANKY
(holding up Polaroid)
I’m taking this as a precaution - just
in case they give us any shit about
pussy’s decision delay.
(glaring at Holden)
You’ll ‘give it some thought’. You’re
so retarded
HOLDEN
I’m retarded! This from the guy who
only forty five minutes ago paid fifty
bucks for what’s supposed to be a boot-
leg of ‘March of the Wooden Soldiers’
with a deleted scene of Stan Laurel
wearing a French Tickler.
SLOSS
How’d you fall for that!
BANKY
The guy who sold it to me had an
honest face.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
There is a door. There’s a knock at the door. Holden
opens it and Alyssa is standing there.
ALYSSA
Somebody told me that they make comic
books here, and I’ve got an idea for
this story about a guy who comes to a
club and high-tails it when he finds
out this girl is pay. Any interest in
a story like that!
Holden smiles.
EXT. RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY
Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs.
ALYSSA
M-TV?
HOLDEN
Twelve episodes.
ALYSSA
That’s great, isn’t it?
HOLDEN
Banky seems to think so.
ALYSSA
But you don’t.
They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.
HOLDEN
I don’t know if that’s the perception
I want people to have of our stuff. I
know this sounds pretentious as hell,
but I like to think of us as artists.
And I’d like to get back to doing
something more personal - like our
first book.
ALYSSA
Well when are you going to do that?
HOLDEN
(beat)
As soon as we have something personal
to say.
ALYSSA
Do you know how pretty you are?
HOLDEN
What?
ALYSSA
You’re a pretty man.
HOLDEN
Uh... thanks.
ALYSSA
Oh. I get it. I’m into girls, so I
have to find all men repulsive or
something.
HOLDEN
I didn’t say anything.
ALYSSA
Aren’t there some men that you find
attractive? Granted, not enough to
sleep with, but still - just handsome
or something!
HOLDEN
Sure. Harrison Ford. And our mail-
man.
ALYSSA
Well it’s the same thing. I look at
you and just find you really handsome.
And you know, it has very little to do
with your look, per-se. Your look is
fine, don’t get me wrong. But it’s
more your outlook. The things you
say, the way you see things. It’s...
I don’t know... attractive,
Holden looks away, embarrassed,
ALYSSA
I weirded you our the other night
HOLDEN
Huh! No, not really.
ALYSSA
Come on.
HOLDEN
(beat)
It’s just that we’ve.., I mean, I’ve
never seen that kind of thing up close
and personal. It just took awhile to
process, longer than usual.
ALYSSA
Do you want to talk about it!
HOLDEN
Um. If you want to.
ALYSSA
I like you. I haven’t liked a man in
a long time. And I’m not a man-hater
or something. It’s just been some
time since I’ve been exposed to a man
that didn’t immediately live-into a
stereotype of some sort. And I want
you to feel comfortable with me,
because I want us to be friends. So
if there are things you’d like to
know, it’s okay to ask me.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Why girls?
ALYSSA
(beat)
Why men?
HOLDEN
Because that’s the standard
ALYSSA
If that’s the only reason you’re
attracted to women - because it’s the
standard..
HOLDEN
It’s more than that.
ALYSSA
So you’ve never been curious about
men?
HOLDEN
Curious about men? Well... I always
wondered why my father watched ‘Hee-
Haw’.
ALYSSA
You know what I mean.
HOLDEN
No.
ALYSSA
Why not!
HOLDEN
No interest.
ALYSSA
Because...?
HOLDEN
Girls feel right.
ALYSSA
And that’s how I feel. I’ve never
really been attracted to men. I’m
more comfortable with the idea of
girls.
HOLDEN
Wait, wait, wait - you’re still a
virgin?
ALYSSA
No.
HOLDEN
But you’ve only been with girls.
ALYSSA
You’re saying a person’s a virgin
until they’ve had intercourse with a
member of the opposite sex?
HOLDEN
Isn’t that the standard definition?
ALYSSA
Again with the standards. I think
virginity is lost when you make love
for the first time.
HOLDEN
With a member of the opposite sex.
ALYSSA
Why? Why only then?
HOLDEN
Because that’s the standard.
ALYSSA
So if a virgin is raped, then she’s
still a virgin?
HOLDEN
Of course not.
ALYSSA
But rape is not the standard. So
she’s had sex, but not the standard
idea of sex. Hence, according to
your definition, she’d still be a
virgin.
HOLDEN
Okay, I’ll revise. Virginity is lost
when the hymen is broken.
ALYSSA
Then I lost my virginity at ten,
because I fell on a fence post when I
was ten, and it broke my hymen. Now I
have to tell people that I lost it to
a wooden post I’d known my whole young
life?
HOLDEN
Second revision - virginity is lost
through penetration.
ALYSSA
Physical penetration or emotional?
HOLDEN
Emotional?
ALYSSA
Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin
Bree when we were in high school.
HOLDEN
Physical penetration.
ALYSSA
We had sex.
HOLDEN
Yeah, but not real sex.
ALYSSA
I move to have that remark stricken
from the record. On account of it
makes you come off as completely naive
and infantile.
HOLDEN
Well where’s the penetration in
lesbian sex.
Alyssa holds up her hand.
HOLDEN
A finger? Come on. I’ve had my
finger in my ass but I wouldn’t say
I’ve had anal sex.
ALYSSA
Did I hold up a finger?
(waves her hand)
HOLDEN
(beat; then he gets it)
You’re kidding?!?!
(she nods)
How...?!?
ALYSSA
Our bodies are built to pass a child,
for Christ’s sake.
HOLDEN
But doesn’t it hurt?!
ALYSSA
Sure. But in a good way. And it’s
only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved
for really special occasions.
HOLDEN
What about not-so-special occasions?
ALYSSA
Tongue only.
HOLDEN
But how can that be enough? I mean,
let’s be real - how big can a tongue
even get?
Alyssa swallows what she’s chewing and releases her
tongue, which is just huge. Holden is transfixed.
Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.
ALYSSA
Let’s go.
She exits. Holden remains in the swing. Alyssa comes
back in.
ALYSSA
Come on.
HOLDEN
Just...uh... just give me a moment.
INT AIRPORT - DAY
Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much
luggage.
HOLDEN
Look at you. It’s a two day trip.
BANKY
I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes
in the other, and two months worth of
unread comics in this one.
HOLDEN
We’re going to a convention, for the
love of God. We’ll be busy from ten
‘till eight each day.
When are you possibly going to have
time for any of that shit? In fact,
fuck it - you’re leaving some of this
shit here in a locker. Come on - give
me the two that aren’t clothes.
BANKY
Hold on.
(starts rifling through one
bag)
HOLDEN
What are you doing?
BANKY
I just have to get something.
(pulls out a huge stack of
porno books)
HOLDEN
Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt?
What are you going to do with all of
those?
BANKY
Read the articles. What do you think
I’m going to do with them? They’re
stroke books.
HOLDEN
You’ve got like thirty books there!
We’re only there for two days!
BANKY
(leafing through mags)
Variety’s the spice of life. I like a
wide selection. Sometimes I’m in the
mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I
like them arty and air-brushed. Some
times it’s a spread brown-eye kind of
night, sometimes it’s girl-on-girl
time. Sometimes a steamy letter will
do it, sometimes - not often, but
sometimes - I like the idea of a chick
with a horse.
A beeping sound is heard. Holden checks his beeper.
HOLDEN
Go check us in. I’ve gotta call
Alyssa.
BANKY
His master’s voice.
HOLDEN
Put that stuff away.
Holden exits. Banky starts packing his mags up. A
little KID enters, staring at him.
KID
What are those?
BANKY
(looks at kid then books)
Do you Like horsies?
Holden finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him
and Alyssa at home.
ALYSSA
I hope for the sake of the women
you’ve dated that you’re only this
quick in returning calls.
HOLDEN
What’s up? I’m about to get on a
plane.
ALYSSA
Ohhh. Why!
HOLDEN
Last minute invite to the Dragon Con’.
ALYSSA
Shit.
HOLDEN
What?
ALYSSA
My sister’s at my parents’. I was
gonna go see her.
HOLDEN
The one that wrote the book?
ALYSSA
Yeah. But I was staying all weekend,
and I wanted to hang our with you.
This sucks.
HOLDEN
You didn’t get invited to the Con’?
ALYSSA
I don’t do southern con’s - all the
chicks have that annoying drawl. You
know how hard it is nor to laugh when
someone moans "Fuhhk me"?
HOLDEN
Well this sucks.
(thinks)
You know - both of us don’t have to
go.
ALYSSA
Really?
HOLDEN
Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It’s
not like we’re on a panel. It was
just a signing appearance.
ALYSSA
If you come pick me up, I’ll be your
best friend.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Where’s your apartment?
ALYSSA
I’m not there. I’m at a friend’s - in
the Village. Corner of Houston and
Mercer. Number eighty six, apartment
6-D.
HOLDEN
I’ll be there in half an hour.
ALYSSA
You’re so easy.
They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits
quickly.
C11. Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks
on.
BANKY
...And then Black Beauty couldn’t take
it any longer, and he finally did some
of his own mounting.
KID
(off book)
Wow.
Holden grabs Banky’s arm and drags him away.
HOLDEN
What are you doing?
BANKY
(waving to kid)
I think I want kids of my own one day.
They’re fun.
HOLDEN
Listen to me - I’m not going. You’re
going to have to do this one by
yourself.
BANKY
What? Why?
HOLDEN
Alyssa’s coming down for the weekend,
so I want to hang out with her. You
don’t need me for this.
(taking his excess baggage)
Meantime, I’ll take this stuff home.
You can keep the filth. I’ll pick you
up at nine Sunday night, alright?
Don’t forget to plug the Annual and
don’t mention the t.v. show, okay?
Call me if you get bored.
And he’s gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A
check-in FLIGHT ATTENDANT comes up to him. His name-tag
reads ‘Frank’.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Checking in, sir!
BANKY
(still watching Holden go)
Hunhh!
(looks at F.A.)
Yeah. But this is carry-on.
F.A.
Federal aviation security law requires
me to ask if you’ve been given any
strange gifts or parcels to carry-on
since arriving at the airport today.
BANKY
(thinks)
Not this trip. But one time, when I
was using curb side check-in, this sky-
cap gave me a cock ring and a set of
anal ben-wa balls. I always thought
that was pretty strange. He said his
name was Frank.
(looks closely at him)
Hey! You’re name’s Frank!
Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go.
F.A.
Fucking kids.
EXT APARTMENT 6-D - DAY
Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is
standing in the doorway in her bra She looks Holden up
and down and smirks.
WOMAN
Let me guess - ‘the right man’?
HOLDEN
Excuse me?
WOMAN
You’ve got it in your head that
Alyssa’s not really into chicks - that
she just hasn’t met the right man.
And you believe you’re it. You’re
going to treat her right, fuck her
like a stud, and ‘straight-jacket’ her
back from the land of the lost. And
the sad truth is that you’ll
accomplish none of that and wind up as
either an even more bitter misogynist
or a reverse fag-hag.
Holden’s at a loss. Alyssa slips past the Woman,
carrying an overnight bag.
ALYSSA
Don’t mind her. That’s just her way a
saying hello.
WOMAN
Actually, it’s just my way of saying
"Give it up."
ALYSSA
(to Woman)
You’re such an asshole.
WOMAN
When you file the date-rape charges,
don’t say I didn’t warn you.
HOLDEN
(holding out hand)
I’m Holden, by the way.
WOMAN
I’m the voice of reason that Miss
Bitch is having such a hard time
listening to.
HOLDEN
Look, we’re just friends.
WOMAN
That’s what every guy says before he
tries purring your hand on his dick.
HOLDEN
And how do you know men so well?
WOMAN
Because I lapdance for a living, dick-
head.
She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.
ALYSSA
Ohhh - you look so cute!
She heads down the stairs.
HOLDEN
Who was that?
ALYSSA
Just an occasional friend.
HOLDEN
Why would you want to hang our with
someone bitter as that?
ALYSSA
(stops)
Remember this!
(sticks out huge tongue)
Her’s is even bigger than that.
She smiles and continues on. Holden looks back up at the
door. He sticks his own tongue our and sizes it with his
fingers.
EXT TURNPIKE - DAY
The car sits in traffic.
INT CAR - DAY
Holden sighs. Alyssa plays with the radio.
ALYSSA
You were raised Catholic, right?
HOLDEN
Yeah. You?
ALYSSA
Baptist.
HOLDEN
Really? Did you have a strict
upbringing?
ALYSSA
Please There was no time to be bad -
we were too busy saying ‘Jesus’.
HOLDEN
You think your upbringing had
something to do with your lifestyle
choice?
ALYSSA
Somewhere along the line. It’s a
gradual transition to make - from
doing what the majority does to taking
a leap of faith and doing what feels
more natural. Everything helps - from
the way you were handled as a kid, to
the way the boys acted in third grade,
to the shoes you wore at your freshman
prom.
HOLDEN
Shoes?
ALYSSA
Well they were really tight.
HANGING OUT MONTAGE BEGINS
With the requisite music, over which we hear a
conversation between Holden and Alyssa.
1) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER eating. Holden’s
talking. The Waitress walks past and drops her pad. She
bends over, to pick it up, hiking her mini-skirt up in
the process. Alyssa stares at her ass. Holden stops
talking and stares at her. Alyssa looks over at him and
offers a caught smile.
2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE,
throwing various things into the basket. Alyssa comes up
with a box of Tampons and throws them in. Holden glances
at them, a bit flushed. Alyssa catches him, picks up the
box, and pulls one out. She proceeds to demonstrate
their usage, throwing one leg on the can and miming
insertion. Holden puts up his hands in the "I know, I
know," fashion.
3) In the Studio, Holden displays some of his artwork to
Alyssa, during which she pulls out a cigarette and goes
to light it. It’s a child-proof lighter, so she’s having
trouble. Holden grows a little frustrated. Finally, he
grabs the lighter and pulls the child proof tab out with
his teeth. Alyssa stares at him a bit taken aback.
Holden spits the tab out, and lights Alyssa’s smoke. He
then continues with his display.
4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE. Steve-Dave
and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously. Alyssa pays for a
comic. Steve-Dave glowers at Holden. He gives Alyssa
her change and they exit. Steve-Dave goes back to his
card game with the Fan-Boy. Suddenly, a garbage can
comes crashing through their window. Steve-Dave rips a
check off the garbage can and punches the counter. The
Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly,
5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking.
She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulder.
Holden smiles to himself.
HOLDEN V.O.
Let me ask you something - we get
along, right?
ALYSSA V.O.
Famously.
HOLDEN V.O.
We have a definite chemistry?
ALYSSA V.O.
So it would seem.
HOLDEN V.O.
But we’re both into girls.
ALYSSA V.O.
I’m into women.
HOLDEN V.O.
But you weren’t always gay.
ALYSSA V.O.
When I was nine I had a crush on Scott
Baio.
HOLDEN V.O.
So If we’d met a long time ago, say in
high school...
ALYSSA V.O.
...I’d still be muff-diving, yes.
HOLDEN V.O.
Thought so.
INT STUDIO - DAY
Holden and Banky play EA Sports Hockey on Sega. There’s
a knock at the door.
HOLDEN
Come in.
Alyssa enters and stands besides them, smiling at their
game.
ALYSSA
I read somewhere that guys who play
hockey are merely making up for penile
deficiencies by carrying big sticks.
BANKY
I thought you lived in the city? This
is like the umpteenth time I’ve seen
you here. Isn’t that grounds enough
for the little pink mafia to throw you
out of their club?
HOLDEN
(hits Banky; to Alyssa)
I’ll be ready in a second.
I just have to school this mouthy
second-stringer.
BANKY
Bitch, you’re schooling no one.
They play. Cut back and forth between the game and
Banky, Holden, and Alyssa.
HOLDEN
(off game)
What? Do something!
BANKY
(off game)
You fucking cock-teaser. I’ll knock
your fucking teeth out and pass all
over your ass.
HOLDEN
Look at how slow you are. Christ, you
move like a geriatric.
BANKY
(screaming at screen)
Fuck! You Fucking cock-sucker, man!
These faggots won’t do what I tell
them to!
HOLDEN
Oh. It’s the controller, right? It’s
always the controller.
BANKY
No, it’s these... fucking queers on
blades that can’t accept a fucking
pass to save their lives! What period
is this?
HOLDEN
Final sixty of the third.
BANKY
Fuck! Look at your fucking guys,
they... FUCK!!!
(whips controller)
FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN! I SWEAR TO
GOD!
Banky storms away. Alyssa looks at Holden,
HOLDEN
Imagine if I’d only beaten him by one
instead of thirty.
INT SKEE-BALL ARCADE - DAY
Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine.
Alyssa looks on.
ALYSSA
Explain this again.
HOLDEN
How could you have grown up down the
shore and never played skee-ball?
What did you do with your youth?
They head toward the skee-ball runs.
ALYSSA
Stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed
around.
HOLDEN
Not your grade school years; your high
school years.
ALYSSA
(off skee-ball run)
This looks complicated.
HOLDEN
(Inserts coin and pulls
lever)
The premise is very basic - you roll
the ball up the ramp at varying
speeds, in an effort to pop it into
the score circles. The higher the
score, the more prize tickets you get.
ALYSSA
What do you do with the prize tickets?
HOLDEN
Trade them in for prizes that aren’t
worth nearly as much as you paid to
play the game.
ALYSSA
Then what’s the point?
HOLDEN
It’s fun.
ALYSSA
And you question my lifestyle.
HOLDEN
Observe.
Holden rolls the ball. It pops into a twenty point
circle.
HOLDEN
See? It’s just that simple.
ALYSSA
Why not just walk up there and put it
in the fifty every time?
HOLDEN
Where’s the skill in that?
ALYSSA
Oh, this is a skill? I’m sorry, I had
no idea.
HOLDEN
Just toss one.
Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it
overhand. It pops off one of the circles and shoots back
at them, missing them as they duck. An OC knock and an
"OW!" is heard. Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.
HOLDEN
(to OC guy)
I’m sorry, man. She’s new at this.
Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head.
He gets up.
HOLDEN
(to OC)
Thank you.
(hands Alyssa another ball)
Underhand. Throw it underhand.
ALYSSA
This is where you take straight chicks
on dates?
HOLDEN
It’s like Spanish Fly. This’ll
probably be the first time I don’t
score afterwards.
ALYSSA
I don’t know. I’m starting to get a
tingle in my bottom.
(tosses a ball)
Ten.
HOLDEN
(grabs a ball)
So what’d you do last night?
(prepares to throw)
ALYSSA
Got laid
Holden whips the ball in surprise. It ricochets off the
ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine.
Alyssa laughs. Holden looks around, nervously.
ALYSSA
Some more of that skill you were
telling me about?
HOLDEN
Maybe we should just leave before
somebody gets hurt.
ALYSSA
No way. I want a cheap prize.
(throws a ball)
So your friend’s quite the homophobe.
HOLDEN
He just feels left out, I think.
ALYSSA
I’m not talking about his infantile
hang-up with me. I’m talking about
when you two were playing that game.
Everytime he swore - when his players
messed up, he called them cocksuckers,
he referred to the players as queers,
he called you a cock-teaser...
HOLDEN
I thought he was talking to you.
ALYSSA
I know you think it means nothing, and
it may in fact be unintentional, but
it’s ugly all the same.
HOLDEN
He was just pissed he was losing.
ALYSSA
So he slams the gay community?
HOLDEN
C’mon. Don’t get all p.c. on me.
ALYSSA
I’m not. But what is that saying?
HOLDEN
It says he gets too easily frustrated.
ALYSSA
It’s passive/agressive gay-bashing.
HOLDEN
How do you figure?
ALYSSA
How casually did it roll off his
tongue? And that’s how he expresses
his anger? By calling people faggots?
HOLDEN
I think you’re reading too much into
it.
ALYSSA
I think you’re just so used to it that
it rolls off your back. I’ve heard
the two of you play your little rank
out game where one insists the other
is gay.
(as the boys)
"You’re a faggot. No, you’re a
faggot." It’s cute and all to watch
you go at it like grade-schooler, but
it’s also offensive - labeling and
ducking the label of being gay as if
it were the scarlet fucking letter.
HOLDEN
You’re blowing this way out of
proportion. We live in a more
tolerant age now. You refer to
yourself as a dyke. Hooper calls
himself a faggot all the time...
ALYSSA
Yeah, but that’s what’s known as
empowerment/disempowerment. I call
myself a dyke so it’s not too
devastating when some throwback
screams it at me as I’m leaving a bar
at night.
Same for Hooper - by calling himself a
faggot, he steals the thunder away
from the mouthy jerks of this world
who’d like to beat him to it. But the
difference between us having it and
your friend saying it is miles wide.
We say it to mask the pain - you say
it for lack of a better expression at
any given moment. No Holden, we do
not live in a more tolerant age. And
if you think that’s the case, then
you’ve been in the suburbs way too
long to be resuscitated.
Holden kind of sulks. Alyssa notices.
ALYSSA
But you know what?
(picks up his face)
I have more faith in you than that.
(rips her tickets off)
Come on - I want my cheap prize.
INT STUDIO - NIGHT
Holden enters. Banky’s still playing Sega. Holden sits
next to him.
HOLDEN
(off screen)
How bad do you suck!
BANKY
How was your pseudo-date?
HOLDEN
Leave it alone.
BANKY
That chick bugs me.
HOLDEN
(rubs his head; in baby-talk)
Aww. Everyone bugs you.
BANKY
Get off.
(off game)
Fucking faggot! Did you see that?!
Your dyke courting ass just got me
scored on!
HOLDEN
(beat)
You know, you should watch that. If
you’re going to get all bent out of
shape while playing the game, so much
so that you need to curse the t.v.,
try not to gay-bash it, alright.
You’re nor that kind of guy.
(gets up)
And don’t call her a dyke, alright?
She’s a lesbian.
Holden goes to his drawing table and takes off his coat.
Banky sits there, shocked. He puts the controller down
and crosses to the drawing table.
BANKY
What the fuck is going on here?
HOLDEN
(pulling out pencil)
I’m starting a new page.
BANKY
(smacking pencil away)
Not with this shit! With you. What
the fuck is going on with you and that
girl?
HOLDEN
We’re friends.
BANKY
She’s programming you.
HOLDEN
I beg your pardon? Programming?
BANKY
Yeah. And apparently, you don’t even
realize it. What does it matter if I
refer to her as a dyke, or if I call
the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the
privacy of my own office, far from the
sensitive ears of the rest of the
world?
HOLDEN
It’s passive/aggressive gay-bashing;
and I know you’re not really
prejudiced at heart. You should just
find some other way to express your
anger, is all I’m saying.
Holden starts drawing. Banky stares at him. Then he
grabs the pencil out of Holden’s hand and shoves him to
the side. He starts drawing something.
HOLDEN
What the fuck are you doing!
BANKY
Bear with me here. I just want to put
you through this little exercise.
(drawing feverishly)
Okay, now see this? This is a four
way road, okay?
Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to
his voice-over.
BANKY V.O.
And dead in the center, is a crisp,
new, hundred dollar bill. Now at the
end of each of the streets, are four
people, okay? You following? Up
here, we got a male-affectionate, easy-
to-get-along-with, no political agenda
lesbian. Okay? Now down here, we
have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck,
agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. To this
side, we got Santa Claus, right? And
over to this side - the Easter Bunny.
Banky finishes drawing. Holden’s shaking his head
BANKY
Which one’s going to get to the
hundred dollar bill first?
HOLDEN
What is this supposed to prove?
BANKY
I’m serious. This is a serious
exercise. It’s like an S.A.T.
question. Which one’s going to get to
the hundred dollar bill first - the
male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating
dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter
Bunny?
HOLDEN
(beat; then pissed)
The man-hating dyke.
BANKY
Good. Why?
HOLDEN
I don’t know.
BANKY
(wildly crossing out the
other three)
BECAUSE THESE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS
OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION!
Holden storms away. Banky follows.
HOLDEN
I don’t need this. I’m going home.
BANKY
She’s fucking with your mind, man!
She knows you’ve got this schoolboy
crush and she’s using it to sway your
way of thinking!
HOLDEN
And why would she need to do that?
What is she Mata fucking Hari?! What
does she gain?
BANKY
Maybe she thinks you’ll get her comic
picked up by Contender. Or maybe she
thinks you’ll change the content of
our book to something more political
and message oriented. Or, gee - I
don’t know - maybe because that’s just
what dykes like to do: fuck around
with straight guys’ heads, just so she
can go back to her little rug-muncher
club and have a good laugh with all
her man-hating harpy cronies about how
fucking stupid and easily duped men
are!
HOLDEN
You’re so out of line right now..,
BANKY
You don’t even know this girl! Big
deal, she’s from Middletown and she
went to North! All the girls at North
were bitches and sluts anyway! And
this one’s got them beat by a mile
because she’s a bitch/slut/dyke!
HOLDEN
Watch your fucking mouth, is all I’m
going to tell you..
BANKY
Oh why? Do you get my back when she
bashes me? Because I know she does.
And do you know why she does? Because
I won’t play her fucking game!
HOLDEN
Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious
bullshit is amusing. Sometimes it’s
just fucking annoying as piss!
BANKY
What is it about this girl? You know
you have no shot at getting her into
bed! Why do you bother wasting time
with her? Because you’re Holden
fucking McNeil - most persistent
traveller on the road that’s not the
path of least resistance!
Everything’s gotta be a fucking
challenge for you, and this little
relationship with that bitch is a
prime example of your fucking
condition. Well I don’t need a
fucking magic eight ball to look into
your future; you want a forecast?
Here - will Holden ever fuck Alyssa.
(shakes and looks at
imaginary ball)
What a shock - "Not fucking likely"!
This relationship of your’s is
affecting you, our work and our
friendship, and the time’s going to
come when I throw down the gauntlet
and say it’s me or her! And then
what’re you going to say?!
HOLDEN
(beat)
I think you should let