The Class Transcripts
THE CLASS
1x01: The Class Reunites (a.k.a. Pilot)
Original Airdate: Monday, September 18, 2006 on CBS
Written by: Jeffrey Klarik and David Crane
Directed by: James Burrows
Transcribed exclusively for TVTDB.com
By: The Jellybean 66
Edited by: Pennywise
Ethan: Hi, is this Lina Warbler?
Lina: Yes...
Ethan: This is Ethan Haas.
Lina: Who?
Ethan: Ethan Haas? I was in third grade with you and your sister...I don't know if you remember me...
Lina: No.
Ethan: Uh, brown hair, kinda funny...um (looks at third grade class photo) about 4, 2?
Lina: I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sort of in the middle of something with my boyfriend. (Lina hangs up the phone and then turns around) Okay so, uh, where were we? (cut to Lina's boyfriend with another woman in her bed)
Oh right...Oh my God!
Back to Ethan at his apartment on the phone...
Ethan: ...trying to put together a surprise party for my fiancé with everyone from our third grade class. If you could come, it'd be great (we see Kat Warbler's third grade picture)
Kat: I gotta say...well, parties normally bum me out, this one sounds particularly creepy.
Ethan: I know it's kinda weird but it's the twentieth anniversary of the day I met my fiancé...uh, Joanne. Richmond. She was also in our class? It's kind of a cute story.
Kat: (sarcastically) I love cute stories! (Kat puts the phone down as she continues to develop her pictures)
Ethan: I hadn't seen Joanne since third grade, then last year I was at a medical conference...I see this amazing woman across the room...
Kat picks up her phone
Kat: uh-huh...
Ethan: ...turns out, we're both pediatricians, we both have golden retrievers and our birthdays are one day apart!
Kat: (sarcastically) Wow! You know, it's funny. I have no recollection of either you or Joanne but you really sound like people I would hate!
Cut to Duncan Carmello's third grade picture to a grown up Duncan playing video games as his phone rings.
Duncan: Hello.
Ethan: Duncan, hi, this is Ethan Haas.
Duncan: From third grade?
Ethan: (Excited) Yeah!
Duncan: Hey man! How you doin'?
Tina: (on the same phone line) Hello?!
Duncan: I got it, Mom.
Tina: Who is it?
Duncan: I said it's for me.
Tina: Maybe it's someone I know!
Duncan: You don't!
Tina: You don't know everyone I know.
Duncan: Oh my God!
Tina: Oh no, don't you take that tone with me!
Tina and Duncan talk over each other as Ethan listens
Duncan: I swear to God, mom, if you don't hang up, I'm gonna throw my body out the window...
Tina: (screaming into the phone) ...with special guest star John Travolta where he dances with Kelly...
Duncan: I didn't tape over it. I just switched tapes.
Tina: Oh... oh.
Duncan: (To Ethan) So what's up man?
(somber music) Cut to Richie Velch's third grade picture to a grown up Richie writing on a notepad. He opens up a bottle of prescription drugs and pours the whole bottle into his hand. He grabs a glass of water and is about to put the pills in his mouth when the phone rings. He stares at the phone and attempts to put the pills in his mouth and the phone rings again. He tries again to put the pills in his mouth and the phone rings again. He spits out the pills that made it into his mouth and he picks up the phone.
Richie: Hello...who? Oh...(puts pills from his hand onto the counter next to the phone) When is it? Richie starts to write on the notepad
Opening theme
Scene opens to Kat and Lina eating at a restaurant
Kat: Wow...cheating on you in your own bed?
Lina: Yeah.
Kat: Ugh...I hate him! And yet, I admire him.
Lina: Anyway, did you get a call from some guy...
Kat: Oh, from third grade? Yeah. It was really, really weird. He kept like naming all these people we were in school with. I don't know...I couldn't remember one of them.
Lina: Like who?
Kat: Uh, Kyle? Kyle something?
Lina: Kyle Lendo? Kyle Lendo is going to be there?! I was totally in love with Kyle Lendo!
Kat: Huh...look at you. What happened to the girl that got dumped last night?
Lina: You mean, Mrs. Kyle Lendo? (Kat stares at Lina) What?! He could still be single.
Cut to Kyle Lendo's third grade picture to a grown up Kyle in bed with another man
Kyle: That sweater make me look fat tonight?
Aaron: (turns the page of the book he's reading) A little bit.
Cut to Holly Ellenbogen's third grade picture to a grown up Holly on the phone talking to the baby sitter...
Holly: This is the number where we're going to be, this is my cell phone, this is my husband's cell phone. (Holly turns around and walks towards the hallway) Oprah! (Holly looks at her watch) Oprah, Mommy has to go! (A little Caucasian girl walks in. In a baby voice she speaks to Oprah) Mommy has to leave now. She and daddy are going to a party with people Mommy went to school with!
Oprah: Why?
Holly: Because, there's a boy that did something very mean to Mommy and she has to show him how wonderfully her life turned out.
Babysitter rolls her eyes and scoffs.
Holly: (to the babysitter) Don't judge people, Samantha. You are only in seventh grade; you've no idea the crap that is going to happen to you!
Cut to Duncan's house as Duncan is walking towards the front door...
Tina: Where are you going?
Duncan: A party.
Tina: Where?
Duncan: Oh my God!
Duncan and his mother talk over each other
Duncan: Just once I want to leave the house without getting stopped...
Tina: ...near a store so you can pick up some cranapple juice!
Duncan: Oh. Sure. Anything else?
Tina: Maybe a coffee cake.
Duncan: No problem.
Lina and Kat outside Ethan's apartment in the hallway
Kat: Let me just point out this is your last chance to take off that hat.
Lina: I think Kyle will like it! 'Cause it's jaunty. Lina walks into Ethan's apartment as Kat watches her enter.
Kat: Ah, it's even ugly from the back. Kat follows Lina into Ethan's apartment.
Ethan: Welcome. I'm Ethan.
Lina: Oh! I'm Lina and this is my sister Kat.
Ethan: (to Kat) Oh. After our call, I assumed you weren't coming.
Kat: The deal is we can leave in twenty minutes if it sucks. She hands her coat to Ethan and he takes Lina's wrap as well.
Ethan: (To Kat) You're just a big bag of sunshine, aren't ya? Ethan walks away
Lina: (sighs) Shall we? Lina sees Kyle Lendo across the room...Oh my God there's Kyle Lendo! They walk towards him
Kyle: (to a former classmate) You have got to go to St. Kits! My partner Aaron and I went there, oh my God it was fantastic! They walk past Kat and Lina
Kat: Wow. Rough day for Mrs. Kyle Lendo.
Duncan sees Richie in Ethan's kitchen
Duncan: Hey man!
Richie: Hey, uh, Duncan.
Duncan and Richie: (together) Yeah!
Duncan: It's good to see you! He hugs Richie
Richie: Oh yeah, you too. How've you been?
Duncan: Excellent. Excellent. You?
Richie: Good. Good. Couldn't be better.
Duncan: Really?
Richie: Uh, really then no. (He pours himself some wine) The last couple of years have pretty much been a living hell.
Duncan: Oh, I'm sorry.
Richie: It's all going to get better.
Duncan: Well, there you go!
Richie: I don't know why I say things like that. It's not.
Duncan: Oh...my...God... Duncan sees Nicole on the other side of the room greeting Ethan.
Richie: Is that Nicole?
Duncan: Uh huh...
Richie: She looks...
Duncan: Yeah.
Richie: Oh, she brought her dad!
You see a much older man walk in behind Nicole.
Duncan: Husband.
Richie: Oh.
Duncan: Dad's younger. It's Yonk Allen. He used to play for the Eagles.
Richie: I never followed music.
Duncan: It's a football team.
Richie: ...or sports.
Duncan: Can you believe that I broke up with her? Moments like this, I want to kill myself.
Richie: We should talk.
Duncan waves hello to Nicole.
Holly approaches Kyle.
Holly: Hello, Kyle.
Kyle: Holly! Hi!
Holly: How ya been?!
Kyle: Uh, really good! You?
Holly: Oh, even better.
Kyle: Oh! Well, you...you look great! I watch you on TV all the time. (He holds up his glass of wine as a microphone) “Holly Ellenbogen...action news!” He chuckles.
Holly: It's not action news.
Kyle: No? “Holly Ellenbogen...some other kind of news!” He chuckles again.
Holly: So... it's been a while.
Kyle: Yeah. Yeah, it has.
Holly: Not since...hmm, I wanna say prom night!
Kyle: Really? Has it been that long?
Holly: You know, it's funny...
Kyle: What's that?
Holly: I just wonder what I'm going to tell my daughter when she's in high school and she asks me, “Mommy, what was your prom like?” I guess I'll just say, “well sweetie, I went with this very cute boy who was a wonderful dancer....and then we went to a party at your Aunt Marcy's house and later that night I walked into her bedroom and there he was...with this other boy from our Spanish class doing all the things I was finally prepared to do with him!” Holly growls at Kyle as she mocks putting her hands around his throat
Kyle: Um, look...Holly, I, I, I am so sorry. I, I have felt bad about this for ten years. In fact, the only reason I came to this thing tonight was that I hoped you'd be here so I could tell you that.
Holly: Well. Thank you. That actually means a lot. Holly starts to cry Sorry.
Kyle: Oh. Are you okay?
Holly: Mhm! I'm free!
Kyle: And, and things really are going well?
Holly: Oh yeah, they really are. I married just...the greatest guy!
Kyle: Oh!
Holly: And now you get to meet him! Perry! Sweetie! Over here!
Perry walks over to Holly, flamboyantly.
Perry: I'm sorry I'm late! Oh my God! The traffic was vicious!
Holly: This is my husband Perry Pearl.
Kyle: Hi. He shakes hands with Perry.
Holly: Sweetie, this is Kyle Lendo. Kyle and I dated in high school.
Perry: Oooo...my competition! (Perry does a mock karate move at Kyle and jokingly says: ) Back off, mister!
Next scene finds everyone in Ethan's living room hiding in the dark
Ethan: (Whispering) Shhh...Here she comes!
Joanne walks in
Everyone: Surprise! Everyone claps
Joanne: Considering that I don't know any of you, yes, it is!
Ethan: Okay. So today happens to be the twentieth anniversary of the first day of third grade which means it's also the twentieth anniversary of the day we met.
Everyone: Awww....
Ethan: So to commemorate the most important day of my life, I got as many people from our class as I could. I got the actual cook from the school cafeteria (cook waves hello to Joanne) to make us fish sticks and sloppy joes...I even tracked down Mrs. Klinger...FYI, if you want some vodka, get it now. (Ethan takes Joanne's hand and leads her to a chair) And uh, here is a first edition of “Charlotte's Web” which I believe was your favorite book from that year.
Joanne: Can I see you for a moment? (Joanne walks into the kitchen)
Ethan: (To the guests) Excuse us. He walks into the kitchen
You see all the guests listening in the living room...
Joanne: I can't take it any more. I know you love me..I do! But I am drowning in it!
Holly: (To Perry) Sweetie I think we should -
Perry: SHHHH!
Joanne: Who does this? It's like on our birthdays...I got you a sweater; you had a plane skywriting for me!
Holly: Seriously, this just -
Everyone: SHHHH!
Joanne: And it's not just the big days. It's EVERYDAY! The cute little notes under my pillow and in the refrigerator and in my diaphragm case!
Holly: Oh!
Joanne: It is too much! And I don't think there is a woman in the world who would disagree with me!
Lina: (loudly) God, I would!
Joanne walks into the living room
Joanne: Excuse me?
Lina: Oh, uh, I-I-I'm sorry...but everything you just said sounded really, really nice.
I mean, seriously, if I had someone doing amazing, extravagant things for me everyday I think I'd just shut up! I mean, you call these problems?! (mockingly) Oh, it's horrible, someone wrote in the sky for me...I'd kill to find a little note in my diaphragm case! Oh...but that's just me.
Joanne: Then maybe he should be with you. She runs to the front door.
Ethan: (following Joanne) No...Joanne, Joanne wait...wait!
Kat: (with a big smile on her face) This is the best party EVER!
Lina walks out to the terrace balcony and finds Richie there. She sits down as he stands staring out.
Richie: Nice speech.
Lina: It was horrible.
Richie: I thought it was great. Uh, happy people complaining...No, they deserve to be yelled at. (pause) I'm Richie.
Lina: Lina.
Richie: No, I know um, you sat in front of me in Mrs. Klinger's class, but then in fourth grade you were gone..
Lina: (laughs) Well, we transferred to private school after Kat was expelled for telling Mr. Dubban he looked like a penis.
Richie: He did; he kinda looked like a penis.
Lina: Yeah...and the turtlenecks didn't help.
Richie and Lina both chuckle.
Richie: I like your hat.
Lina: Are you making fun of me? 'Cuz I don't think I could handle -
Richie: No, I like it. It's um, jaunty...
Nicole and Duncan back in Ethan's living room...
Nicole: Hey.
Duncan: Kinda look like crap. Just a little, huh?
Nicole: (extends her arms out) Come 'ere...
Nicole and Duncan hug and linger
Duncan: And...you're married.
Nicole: I know. I keep looking down at my hand like 'what the hell'?
Duncan: And um, you're living in a big house out in Gladwyn now?
Nicole: It's crazy. It's got nine bathrooms.
Duncan: Really? (quietly) Does he have a problem?
Nicole: No, that's just how big the house is.
Duncan: Oh, gotcha.
Nicole: So, where're you living now?
Duncan: I'm still in Narberth
Nicole: Oh? Where?
Duncan: Oh, uh, Montgomery Street
Nicole: Doesn't your mom live...oh...
Duncan: Yeah.
Kat enters Ethan's bedroom where he is sitting on his bed amongst the guest's coats
Kat: Um, people are kind of afraid to come in here and get their coats. So...I volunteered.
Ethan: Yeah. Coats. Sure. (She walks over to the bed as he gets up and she picks up some coats) She gave me back my grandmother's ring.
Kat: (awkwardly) Sorry?
Ethan: Everything was so right. Did I tell you our birthdays are one day apart?
Kat: Yeah, yeah I gotta say...my birthday is the same day as that Son of Sam guy. It's not really enough to build a relationship on.
Ethan: Well, it wasn't just that. When we met it was like fate brought us together. Now what's it doing?
Kat: I'm not really a big believer in fate.
Ethan: Yeah well, I hate fate!
Kat: Let's not make it mad though!
Ethan: I can't believe this! He falls face first onto the bed. The door opens and Kat hands Lina and Holly coats.
Lina: (whispering) I'm going to take the car to go get some coffee with this guy.
Kat: (whispering) What?
Lina: (still whispering) I'll be back soon. He's really, really nice! And, and...he likes my hat!
The bedroom door closes and Ethan begins to sob into his pillow. Kat sits down next to Ethan and rubs his shoe
Kat: (very quietly) Okay...
Duncan and Nicole on the terrace balcony
Duncan: So, you're happy?
Nicole: Me? Oh yeah! It's all good. I mean, Yonk's a lot older so we're into different...stuff and, and we have different friends and he's away a lot promoting the Yonk Allen barbecue grill.
Duncan: Okay.
Nicole: But, I mean how cool is it? I'm married to Yonk Allen!
They both laugh
Duncan: It's awesome.
Nicole: Yeah, I mean, he was a huge football star so, you know, he... got hit in the head a lot. But he takes really good care of me and he's very sweet. Sometimes mean but mostly sweet.
Duncan: Oh yeah, that's..that's just like your dad.
Nicole: Yes!
Duncan: Yeah.
A moment of awkward realization passes
Yonk: Hey babe? Time to go to the airport.
Nicole: (To Yonk) I'll be right there. (To Duncan) So, anyway...it was really great to see you again
Duncan: Yeah. Yeah. You too.
Nicole: And you're happy?
Duncan: Yeah. Like you said, it's all good. (pause as they look at each other) It's just kinda hard knowing that I'm not even thirty and the greatest thing that will ever happen to me already happened. You take care of yourself okay? (Duncan walks away)
Nicole and Yonk driving to the airport
Nicole: Am I...the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Yonk: Baby, come on. Of course you are!
Nicole: Really?
Yonk: Sure. You're not counting playing in the Super Bowl. I mean, come on...it's the Super Bowl...(he laughs) But you're definitely number two (he strokes her hair).
(long pause) Oh, wait. There's that million dollar check I got for putting my name on that stupid barbecue grill. That didn't suck. (pause) So it goes Super Bowl, big check then you. (long pause) Dinner at the White House.
Back at Ethan's in his living room...
Ethan: When I was planning this party, I kept looking at these kids. They're all smiling and happy and hopeful and I kept thinking, how many of these kids are happy today?
Kat: I would say...all the ones who didn't come to this party.
Ethan: I'm serious. There were twenty-eight of us in the class. How many of us are already like stuck in lousy jobs or bad marriages? How many of us have already made that one big dumb choice we'll never really recover from? Of all those smiling kids, how many are still smiling? I mean, back then we just assumed that everything would work out. (Scenes of the people from the party interacting show) Many of us are going to end up in a good place without messing it up along the way, and I just felt really good 'cause, like, I was one of the happy ones; I'd found Joanne. (Ethan sniffles) And what do you do when you lose the person you were meant to be with?
Kat: Just so I know, um, how long are you going to wallow?
Ethan: She left me an hour ago...I was thinking maybe an hour and ten minutes?
Kat: Dude, you have got to stop thinking about her as the person you were “meant to be with”...in fact, just stop thinking of her as a person. For a while, she's just that selfish, hurtful whore.
Ethan: Well, I'll give you selfish and hurtful.
Kat: Aw, gimme a whore too! Come on! She just dumped you in front of twenty strangers at a party that you threw for her. I think we can trade up.
Ethan: I guess...I just can't even imagine being with anyone else.
Kat: I know. I do. It hurts. (Ethan sniffles, and then there is a long pause as Kat stares at Ethan) I have totally forgotten your name.
Richie and Lina leave the diner
Lina: I'm sorry, I have to go but I need to pick up my sister.
Richie: It's alright. Uh, we can uh, do this again.
Lina: Really?
Richie: Yeah sure. And not just for coffee. Next time, there may be pie.
Lina: Oh, well, I love pie.
Richie: I was just kidding, but so do I!
Lina: Oh.
Richie: So, anyway, uh (Lina and Richie give each other a small kiss on the lips and then they giggle) Good night! Richie starts to walk away to his car.
Lina: Oh...Lina feels her head and realizes she's left her hat on the diner table and she goes back for it.
Once in his car, Richie calls Lina on her cell phone while she's leaving the diner and heading for her car
Lina: Hello.
Richie: Hey, it's me. Uh, is it okay that I miss you already?
Lina: It's very okay! I had such a nice time tonight.
Richie: Can I tell you something? I'm coming out of a pretty dark time in my life right now.
Lina: You are? Why?
Richie: It's just been like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and I almost didn't make it to this party tonight but I'm - I'm so glad that I did. (Richie starts his car) You're like the first good thing that's happened in my life in the last two years.
Lina: I am?
Richie: Like this amazing, (he starts backing out of the parking spot) shining, positive (Richie backs out and hits Lina with a loud thud) Lina? Lina? Hello?
Duncan sits on the couch in his living room while strumming a guitar when there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees Nicole.
Duncan: Hey. What are you doing here?
Nicole grabs his face and kisses him.
Duncan: Good enough!
Nicole: I don't know what this is.
Duncan: I don't care.
Duncan grabs Nicole and kisses her passionately. He closes the door and she leads him to his bedroom.
Tina: Nicole?
Nicole: Hi, Mrs. Carmello.
Tina: How have you been?
Duncan: Mom!
Tina: What? I can't ask a question?
Duncan: Not tonight.
Tina: Nice to see you again, dear.
They continue to the bedroom.
Tina: (screaming) Should I set out extra towels?
Duncan: (screams back) I don't know!