The Class Transcripts
THE CLASS
1x02: The Class Visits a Hospital
Original Airdate: Monday, September 25, 2006 on CBS
Written by: Jeffrey Klarik and David Crane
Directed by: James Burrows
Transcribed exclusively for TVTDB.com
By: The Jellybean 66
Edited by: Pennywise
Narrator voiceover:
If you missed The Class last week, here's what you missed. Ethan Haas threw a surprise party for his fiancé Joanne and invited everyone who was in their third grade class; which meant that lots of people he barely knew were there to see her dump him and break his heart.
Ethan: (following Joanne) No...Joanne, Joanne wait...wait!
Kat: (with a big smile on her face) This is the best party EVER!
Holly Ellenbogen confronted her high school sweetheart, Kyle Lendo, who ruined her prom when he turned out to be not so straight. But they patched things up and she introduced him to her husband Perry Pearl.
Perry: So sorry I'm late! Oh my God! The traffic was vicious!
That's right...husband.
Duncan Carmello reunited with the love of his life, Nicole, who's now married to former NFL star, Yonk Allen, although not so happily, which is why their night ended like this.
Duncan opens his front door and sees Nicole. Nicole grabs his face and kisses him.
Nicole: I don't know what this is.
Duncan grabs Nicole and kisses her passionately.
And Richie Velch, in a fit of desparation, tried to end it all; but then he met Lina Warbler, and it seemed like his life might finally turn itself around, but then this happened...
Richie backs out of a parking spot and hits Lina with a loud thud.
Richie: Lina? Lina?
And, that's all you need to know.
Scene opens with a picture of the third grade class and slowly zooms in on Kat Warbler's picture. A grown up Kat appears running to a nurse's desk at the hospital.
Kat: Hi! Hello! I'm Kat Warbler I just got a call that my sister Lina is in surgery. Apparently, she had some kind of an accident?
Nurse: You want patient information. Second floor. Go back out the building, up the stairs, past the cafeteria and you'll see a sign.
Kat: Okay, look. (Kat looks at the nurse's nametag) Nurse Ba-Bag-(nurse rolls her eyes) Bagliamoshnee...that's pretty. Uh, I'm kind of freaking out here. My sister has had some kind of an emergency. Now, you are the emergency room. How do you not know what that was?
Nurse: Ma'am, I didn't say I didn't know; but only patient information can give you information regarding a patient.
Kat: So, you have the information?
Nurse: I do.
Kat: But you can't give me the information?
Nurse: Right. For information about a patient you need to go to patient information. (Nurse's phone rings and she picks up) Patient information! (Kat looks at her is disbelief) Sometimes I answer their phones.
Ethan arrives at the hospital.
Ethan: What's going on?
Kat: What's going on is I hate her!
Ethan: Okay, let me talk to her.
Kat: Look, if she's not talking to me then she is not going to talk to you. So, thank you for the ride.
Ethan: Nurse, I'm Doctor Haas, (He pulls out his business card and shows it to the nurse) I want you to pull up Lina Warbler's chart. I want you to page me the moment she is out of surgery and I need to speak to the admitting physician now. (Ethan puts his card down on the nurse's desk)
Nurse: I'm going to need a –
Ethan: Now.
Nurse: Right away, Doctor Haas.
Ethan: Thank you.
Kat: Wow. You're a doctor?
Ethan: Do you listen to anything I say?
Richie: (who has been sitting in the waiting room) Hi.
Kat and Ethan turn around to see Richie waving at them.
Kat/Ethan: Hi.
Kat: (to Ethan) We know him?
Ethan: Uh, Richie Velch, he was in our class and at my party tonight?
Kat: Party, yeah, that's rounding it up.
Richie: I'm the one who went out for coffee with your sister.
Kat: Oh my God! What happened!?
Richie: Oh, well, she was walking uh, through the parking lot and evidently a car backed into her and kind of ran her over?
Kat: What?
Ethan: Did you see it happen?
Richie: I... did not.
Ethan: Do they know who did it?
Richie: Yes. It was a large Hispanic wom- It was me, I did it. It was me.
Kat: You ran over my sister?! (starts going after Richie)
Ethan: (stopping Kat) Look, look...it was obviously an accident. Ok?
Kat: You're right, you're right, you're right. It's not his fault at all. No, I mean, if only they could put a reflective surface inside the car so you could see what's behind you!
Richie: I am so sorry!
Kat: I am going to kill you! (Kat tries to go after Richie but Ethan holds her back again)
Richie: I am way ahead of you on that!
Opening Theme
Scene opens with Nicole Campbell's third grade picture zooming in and we see a grown up Nicole opening the front door of her house. Duncan is standing there.
Duncan: (holding a piece of paper) A note.
Nicole: I'm sorry.
Duncan: I wake up, you're gone and you just left a note.
Nicole: It was polite.
Duncan: And, it's on my mom's pad so one of the greatest nights of my entire life ends with 'a doodle from the noodle of Tina Carmello'. (Duncan walks into the house)
Nicole: I should have waited for you to wake up. I know; but I was just afraid that if I did, I would never leave.
Duncan: Nah, you would have left as soon as my mom started rolling around on her exercise ball. (They laugh together) Come 'ere. (They hug each other)
Nicole: Yeah, I'm gonna burn in hell. I can't do this. I'm married...to a man I love a good percentage of the time. We took vows...in a church. I wear his ri- (She looks at her hand an notices her ring is missing) Oh my God! Where's my ring?
Duncan: No no... it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Found it under the bed...along with this...(he pulls out a pair of purple bra from his jacket)
Nicole: That by the way...not mine.
Duncan: (He hands the bra to her) Did you want 'em?
Nicole: No! (Duncan puts the bra back in his jacket pocket) Look, I think you should go.
Duncan: I don't want to. I never thought I'd get to be with you again and last night was like a second chance.
Nicole: I know, but...(she touches his chest) are you flexing?
Duncan: No.
Nicole: Wow! (backs away) Look, last night was incredible but I gotta try and make things work here. You have to go. This is my husband's house...
Duncan: (he turns around to look at more of the house) Oh...my...God!
Nicole: I know, it's horrible. His last wife had taste up her ass.
Duncan: No, no, no...I have been here before!
Nicole: What?
Duncan: Yeah, I did a bunch of the drywall in this place!
Nicole: You're kidding?!
Duncan: Nah, it was like one of my first jobs ever!
Nicole: That is so wild!
Duncan: Yeah! This place is not well built!
Scene: At the hospital, Ethan walks into the waiting room to speak to Kat and Richie
Ethan: I spoke to the attending; she's out of surgery.
Kat: And?
Ethan: She is going to be fine... eventually...
Richie: What does that mean?
Ethan: All of her metatarsals were fractured, her proximal phalange was –
Kat: Okay, okay, we get it. You're a doctor.
Ethan: All of the bones in both her feet were broken.
Kat: Oh my God.
Richie: All the bones...
Ethan: Actually, there was one that didn't break.
Richie: So, one her bones was okay?
Ethan: Yeah, but turns out they had to break it to set the other ones.
Richie: But for a little while it was okay? (Kat looks at Richie in disbelief)
Scene: Holly and Perry's house, in the kitchen.
Holly: Oprah! Mommy wants to talk to you please. Mmm...mmm...mmm...mmm... what smells so good?
Perry: My streusel coffee cake?
Holly: No.
Perry: Parmesean twist?
Holly: No, it's sort of lemony.
Perry: Oh, that's me! (Holly moves closer to smell him)
Oprah enters the kitchen.
Holly: Oprah, honey. Mommy and daddy are having some friends over for lunch and we need you to be on your very best behavior, okay?
Oprah: Why?
Perry: Because one of these men teaches at the school we really want you to go to and we're hoping he could help get you in.
Oprah: Is he nice?
Holly: He's very nice. He just happens to like daddies more than mommies. Although he used to like your mommy...until prom night. When she walked in on him and-
Perry: ..the end! What a good story! Sweetie, all that was a million years ago and now life is good, and you've got a real man (kitchen timer goes off) oooo! My pop-overs!
Back at the hospital...
Kat: How long till we can see her?
Ethan: She'll be in recovery for another hour.
Kat: Well, I'm going to go get some coffee. Do you want some?
Ethan: Sure.
Richie: I wouldn't mind-
Kat: Are you kidding me?!
Ethan: I ran over a squirrel once.
Richie: Didja?
Ethan: I-I realize it's not the same, but I know how awful I felt so I can only imagine-
Richie: Did you and your squirrel go out on a date first? (Ethan gives Richie an uncomfortable look) Did you kiss it good night? Did you connect with that squirrel a way you've never connected with a squirrel before?
Ethan: I'd just seen it around the neighborhood.
Scene in Holly and Perry's kitchen table. They are having brunch with Kyle and his partner, Aaron.
Holly: So, Aaron, what do you do?
Aaron: (with a heavy Latin accent) Well, I'm a software engineer for an internet security company.
Holly: Sorry?
Aaron: I'm a software engineer for an internet security company.
Holly: One more time.
Perry: He's a software engineer for an internet security company.
Holly: Oh, really? (to Perry) You got that?
Perry: You just have to watch his lips.
Aaron: Um, if you'll excuse me, I have to go.
Holly: And Kyle, I think you mentioned last night you teach first grade at Pembridge Academy.
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Holly: Uh huh. I don't suppose there's any way you can help us get Oprah in there?
Kyle: Um, uh, why, I think Oprah can go pretty much wherever she wants. (Holly and Perry stare at Kyle; they don't understand him) She's Oprah.
Perry: (chuckling) Not that Oprah! (Holly chuckles) Our daughter, Oprah! You'll meet her in a sec.
Holly: She's five and Pembridge is our absolute first choice for her.
Kyle: (clears throat) You named your daughter, Oprah?
Holly: Oh. (she points at Perry.)
Perry: I'm a fan.
Scene: Nicole and Yonk's living room
Duncan: There's a lower bearing beam that never got put in, and these two studs, they're way too far apart.
Nicole: For what?
Duncan: For keeping the ceiling off your head. Oh, and you see this moulding? (He taps the moulding)
Nicole: Yeah?
Duncan: See that moulding? (He points to the molding on top) That's where the contractor ran out of money. (He lifts Nicole up so she could touch the molding on top)
Nicole: Oh! Okay. (she touches the top molding) My finger went right through it!
Duncan: Yup. Styrofoam.
Nicole: Oh my God! I'm living in a coffee cup! (Duncan puts Nicole down and they look at each other)
Nicole: Hi.
Duncan: Hey.
Nicole: Last night, I was hoping that it wouldn't be as great as I remembered it. That did not happen!
Duncan: No!
Nicole: But we can't do this. I mean, we could still be friends but I-
Duncan: Nah, nah, I don't think so.
Nicole: No?
Duncan: No. Being with you; but not being able to be with you, I think that would kind of kill me.
Nicole: Yeah, me too.
Duncan: I'm gonna go. Take care of yourself.
Nicole: You too.
Nicole and Duncan walk to the front door.
Duncan: Oh, the poolhouse. You go in, you put your bathing suit on, and you get out!
Duncan grabs her and gives her a passionate kiss and walks out as she closes the door.
Scene: Holly and Perry's kitchen table. Holly and Kyle are picking up the used dishes.
Kyle: Brunch was unbelieveable.
Holly: Yeah, wasn't it? No one makes a pecan swirl like my Perry.
Kyle: (He chuckles) He is quite the little swirler.
Holly: It's funny...this used to be my fantasy. Hmph. Us in our kitchen together, clearing up after our party.
Kyle: My fantasy is I have a maid to do this.
Holly: Can I ask you a question about that night after the prom...when I walked in on you and Michael Bernstein?
Kyle: Oh! Good! I was hoping we could explore that more!
Holly: How long had you two been a thing, huh? Was it the whole time we were going out?
Kyle: Oh my God no! No, I mean, that night was the first time I did..anything...ever! I-I wasn't even sure I was gay.
Holly: Really? (short pause) 'Cause you both looked pretty gay to me!
Scene: Yonk and Nicole's living room. Yonk arrives home.
Yonk: Nikki? Sugar.
Nicole: Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming home until tomorrow.
Yonk: I know. But I told those barbecue grill boys, I'm sorry, that infomercial's just gonna have to mercial without me...I gotta get home to my wife.
Nicole: You came back early for me?
Yonk: I got to feelin' bad about that little talk we had in the car last night...
Nicole: You did?
Yonk: Well, you know, you asked me if you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I said you came after the super bowl and dinner at the white house and all that other stuff. Well, that was just all pure T bull!
Nicole: Yeah?
Yonk: I was talking crazy. You are right there...after the super bowl.
Nicole: Huh. You came all the way back here to tell me that?
Yonk: I sure did. Now, why don't we take some steaks out of the freezer and do it while they defrost?
Nicole: Actually, I'm a little tired.
Yonk: Aw, you didn't sleep well?
Nicole: Oh no, I slept great. Woke up early, made the bed... That's why the bed is made.
Yonk: You're acting kinda funny. What's goin' on?
Nicole: Oh God...okay, I told you I would never lie to you and I'm not going to. (she takes a deep breath) This house is not well built!
Scene: Kat and Ethan in Lina's hospital room.
Kat: What a horrible night.
Ethan: She'll be okay.
Kat: No, I meant your party. (Ethan smiles at her)
Kat gets up from her seat and walks over to Lina's bed. She takes her hand...
Kat: She was born six minutes after me. So I'm her big sister, you know. I'm supposed to make sure that bad stuff doesn't happen to her.
Ethan: This probably doesn't help, but it could have been so much worse.
Kat: No. No, see, I can't go there. I can't let myself imagine anything worse...unless...well, maybe one thing.
Ethan: Are you going to say my party again?
Kat: I was, yeah.
Richie opens the door.
Richie: Is she awake yet?
Kat: You're still here?
Richie: I just want to talk to her...
Kat: In the hall, in the hall...she walks out into the hall with Richie. Okay, I gotta ask, is there actually some part of you that thinks that she may want to see you again?
Richie: Well...
Kat: Dude! You ran her over! There are no second dates after that! There's no 'Oh, no, no it's okay, I've got my friend's car this time, it's lighter'!
Richie: I-I hear what you're saying...
Kat: Do you? Do you really? You deluded, foot crushing man? You broke fifty-two bones in my sister's body. She's gonna be in a wheelchair for the next six months.
Richie: She is?
Kat: Uh-huh. So, it's over. You've done enough damage. If you really want to do something nice for her, then just go away!
Richie: (after a long pause where he looks uncomfortable) Um, if you could just give this to her...it's her hat. (he pulls the hat out of his pocket and gravel falls out) Gravel. (he hands the hat to Kat and she takes it) Um, just tell her that um, I am (he starts to sob) so sorry! (Richie runs away)
Kat returns to the room to find Ethan standing by Lina at her bedside.
Ethan: Hey, look who's up.
Kat: Hey! How do you feel?
Lina: I can't believe it. I met the nicest guy!
Scene: Holly and Perry's kitchen. Kyle and Holly are still cleaning up.
Holly: So you and Michael Bernstein? I didn't even know you guys were friends.
Kyle: We weren't. We barely knew each other from Spanish class.
Holly: So, how'd it happen?
Kyle: Well, I...I can't talk about this with you.
Holly: Come on! I know how it ends.
Kyle: Well, it was prom night, eh, we were both pretty drunk and um, I think I said, 'Hola, Miguel'...he said 'Hola' and before we knew it it was 'ay, ay, ay!'. And then you walked in and it was whatever Spanish for 'Michael, get off me'.
Holly: It's hard to believe I bought a dress for that.
Kyle: Look, you have to know, you were the last person in the world that I ever wanted to hurt.
Holly: So, what happened? Was everyone else unavailable that night?
Kyle: Okay, enough!
Holly: (scoffs) What?
Kyle: I said I was sorry! And I am, I'm really really sorry, but it was ten years ago! And yes, it was awful. But, you know what? It's not just about you.
Holly: But I am-
Kyle: Ba, ba, ba...that sounds like it's going to be about you. You know what? I lost my best friend that night.
Holly: Really?
Kyle: Oh, come 'ere. (Kyle and Holly hug)
Holly: (sobbing) I hated you so much.
Kyle: I know.
Holly: If you told me ten years ago, someday we'd be hugging in my kitchen...
Kyle: I'm still nervous we're having this conversation in a room with knives.
Holly: Well, you should be. (Kyle pushes the knives away behind him as Perry and Aaron enter)
Perry: (with a mock gasp) Unhand her! (Perry laughs)
Kyle: (chuckles) Okay!
Holly: Sorry! Have we been neglecting you guys?
Perry: No, not to worry. We've been entertaining ourselves. (to Aaron) Say it one more time!
Aaron: (Imitating Ricardo Montalban) Welcome to Fantasy Island.
Scene: Duncan's living room. The phone rings and Tina picks it up.
Tina: Hello?
Nicole: Uh, Mrs. Carmello?
Tina: (covers the top of the phone and whispers to Duncan) It's Nicole! What do you think she wants?
Duncan: I don't know and you're covering the wrong end of the phone!
Tina: (into the phone) Just a moment, dear. (she hands the phone to Duncan and goes upstairs)
Duncan: Hello?
Nicole: Yeah, hello. This is Nicole Allen, we spoke at the party last night about my house?
Duncan: What?
Nicole: I was just telling my husband about all the structural problems you had mentioned and he was wondering if you were willing to come over and give us an estimate on how much it would cost to fix it.
Duncan: Is he standing right there?
Nicole: Uh-huh. But I told him how busy you are and so, if there's no room in your schedule, then he'll completely understand and-
Duncan: I'll do it!
Nicole: (with a tone of defeat in her voice) Okay.
Scene: Richie at his apartment. He's looking at the bottle of pills again. He opens the bottle and takes the pills with a glass of water when the phone rings.
Richie: Hello.
Kat: Don't ask me why, but she wants to see you.
Richie: (with a worried tone) Oh....
Scene: Perry and Holly in their room.
Holly: It was really great seeing Kyle again. He's still so nice.
Perry: (chuckling) I just can't believe you didn't know he was gay.
Holly: I guess I was naïve. But when you're in love, you don't see these things.
Perry: Even so. It's right there in front of your face. (flamboyantly) Hello!