The Class Transcripts
THE CLASS
1x04: The Class Blows The Whistle
Original Airdate: Monday, October 9, 2006 on CBS
Written by: Brian Buckner
Directed by: James Burrows
Transcribed exclusively for TVTDB.com
By: The Jellybean 66
Edited by: Pennywise
Narrator voiceover:
If you missed The Class, here's what you missed... Holly reconnected with her old boyfriend, Kyle, then she and her husband, Perry, asked him for a little favor
HOLLY: I think you mentioned last night you teach first grade at Pembridge Academy.
KYLE: Oh, yeah.
HOLLY: I don't suppose there's anyway you can help us get Oprah in there?
KYLE: (clears his throat) You named your daughter Oprah?
HOLLY: Oh...
Holly points at Perry
PERRY: I'm a fan!
Richie hit Lina with his car... broke every her bones in both her feet, and nearly lost her in a hurricane. So, they're still going strong. Kat and Ethan became closer friends...
Kat starts to remove her wet shirt in front of Ethan
ETHAN: Uh, can I get you some privacy?
KAT: What do you care? You're a doctor.
ETHAN: I'm a pediatrician.
KAT: So? Just picture everything smaller.
And Nicole spent the night with the love of her life, Duncan Carmello.
NICOLE: I don't know what this is.
Duncan grabs Nicole and kisses her passionately.
Even though she's marrried to football star, Yonk Allen.
YONK: Why don't we take some steaks out of the freezer and do it while they defrost?
To make things just a little more complicated, Duncan took a job renovating Nicole's house over her not so slight objections...
NICOLE: Oh, no, you're not!
DUNCAN: Oh, yes I am! I'm starting this job! The job is now started! (he swings the sledgehammer into the wall and makes a hole) The job is now begun!
YONK: (as he's just walking in) He gonna announce everything he does?
And that's all you need to know.
Episode begins with the usual showing of the third grade class. This time, it zooms in on Duncan Carmello and then cuts to a grown up Duncan with Nicole in her livingroom.
NICOLE: Okay, I just need to know, how long is all this gonna last?
DUNCAN: Actually, I found a crack in the foundation so I wanna say, five months.
NICOLE: Five months?!
DUNCAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa... you want the job done right don't you?
NICOLE: No! Phone it in! Cut corners! What kind of contractor are you? (Yonk enters the living room)
YONK: What's going on?
NICOLE: Apparently, he found a crack in the foundation.
YONK: Oh, man! It's just one thing after another! You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were screwing us.
After a pause, Nicole and Duncan suddenly start laughing nervously
NICOLE: Wow! (looks at her watch) It's after nine! (she runs for to the front door) Bye sweetie, gotta go!
DUNCAN: ... get back to this wall...
YONK: Hey kid, do you know anything about video games?
DUNCAN: I'm twenty-seven years old, I still live with my mother, so, yeah, I'd say I know a little something about video games.
YONK: I just got this new Madden game and I'm a player in it so I gotta sign off on it. You wanna play?
DUNCAN: You're asking if I wanna play football with Yonk Allen?
YONK: Video football.
DUNCAN: Yeah, I'm gonna tell people football.
YONK: Alright, let's play ball!
DUNCAN: Wow!
YONK: What?
DUNCAN: (while Yonk looks at the video game case he's holding) You gotta understand, I grew up watching you play. Just being here, seeing all these trophies, touching the helmet... (Yonk looks up at stares at Duncan) I did not touch the helmet!
Opening theme
Scene starts with the zooming in of Ethan Haas' third grade picture and cuts to a grown up Ethan at a restaurant with Kat...
ETHAN: Hey, you got anyone you can fix me up with?
KAT: Really?
ETHAN: Yeah. I feel like it's time. You know, start over, meet someone new...
KAT: ... get laid...
ETHAN: Mostly that. (he clears his throat) So, uh, you know anyone?
KAT: Oh, I don't fix people up.
ETHAN: At all?
KAT: Nope. Nothing in it for me. Besides, when it doesn't work out, the people always blame you.
ETHAN: Yeah, but if it does work out, you got two more happy people in the world.
KAT: Am I one of them?
ETHAN: Well, no, but you have the satisfation of knowing you brought joy to – you know as I say it, it doesn't sound like you.
Scene: At Kyle and Aaron's apartment, Aaron opens the front door and Holly is there.
AARON: Holly! What a pleasant surprise! Kyle didn't tell me you were coming over.
HOLLY: (with a puzzled look on her face) Aaron, I'm sorry, I don't even have time to pretend I understand what you're saying. (she walks past Aaron into the apartment) Kyle?
AARON: (to Kyle) ¡Te juro que yo no soporto esta mujer! ¡No la soporto! ¡Me vuelve loco!
HOLLY: (to Kyle) I swear, it's like he's talking another language!
KYLE: What's up?
HOLLY: Okay, Perry's just parking the car, he'll be up any second. We're gonna show you two outfits; they're for Oprah's school interview tomorrow and we need you to decide.
KYLE: Why me? 'Cause I'm gay?
HOLLY: No! Because you work with those admissions people and you know what they're looking for and plus... you're gay. Here's the thing, you have to choose mine. My pigheaded husband has his heart set on –
Perry walks into the apartment
PERRY: But, bup, bup, bup! No swaying the judge! Hi, your honor!
KYLE: Hey, Perry.
PERRY: Hey.
PERRY: (admiring the apartment) Wow! What a great place! (he picks up a picture from the coffee table) Oh, Aaron at the beach... work out much?
HOLLY: (takes picture away from Perry) Honey, let's do this.
PERRY: Yes.
HOLLY: Okay, whichever dress you pick, that's the one she'll wear.
PERRY: I'm so nervous. It's like the Super Bowl... I assume.
HOLLY: And here they are... (She holds up two dresses. One dress is a pink sweater with an argyle pattern in the front. It has a white dress shirt and a mini skirt . The other dress looks like a mini black cocktail dress.) Now, we're not gonna tell you who's is who's... (She lifts the black dress up a little higher than the other) It's your choice entirely (She shakes the black dress)
KYLE: I'm sorry, but it's definitely that one. (He points to the pink sweater outfit)
HOLLY: No!
PERRY: Touchdown!
HOLLY: No. This is so much better! It says she's stylish, she's sophisticated...
KYLE: It says she's a tiny whore.
HOLLY: But, but...
KYLE: Holly, it doesn't matter what she wears.
HOLLY: (scoffing) How can you say that? Pembridge is so hard to get into! I don't want to blow this!
KYLE: Look, you won't. Just let her go in there and be herself.
HOLLY: Yeah, I'm not sure that's putting her best foot forward.
PERRY: Honey, she's gonna be fine! (Aaron enters the room)
AARON: Have you seen my glasses?
PERRY: No. But we've seen your beach picture... bravo...
Scene: Richie arrives at Lina's apartment with groceries...
RICHIE: Okay, as requested, we've got a tuna sandwich, we've got Entertainment Weekly, People and... Wheelchair Living... who knew? And a pair of knitting needles for uh, for scratching.
LINA: Give 'em! (she takes a knitting needle and uses it to scratch one of her legs) Oh , that's the stuff...
RICHIE: So listen, I've been wanting to ask you if uh, Lina? (she continues to enjoy the scratching... ) Lina? Lina? (he snaps his fingers) I was wondering, do you have any uh, any uh, plans tomorrow night?
LINA: Are you asking me out?
RICHIE: If I were would you say yes?
LINA: If I said yes would you be asking me out?
RICHIE: Wanna go out?
LINA: Yes!
RICHIE: Oh my God!
LINA: Oh!
RICHIE: Rivers of sweat!
LINA: It's been so long, I was afraid you were never gonna ask!
RICHIE: Hey, I ran you over. Some women are turned off by that.
Scene: Yonk and Nicole's livingroom. Duncan and Yonk are playing video football when Nicole comes home...
DUNCAN: (screaming) Yeah! Yeah! Touchdown! Suck it!
YONK: Super Bowl sixteen! Suck on that! (he puts his Super Bowl ring in Duncan's face)
NICOLE: Hello?
YONK: Oh, hey, babe.
NICOLE: What, what's going on?
DUNCAN: I'm kicking his ass.
YONK: Shut up, douche.
DUNCAN: (chuckling) Yonk Allen just called me douche!
NICOLE: You guys hang out now... who saw that coming? I didn't!
Scene: Ethan's living room. He opens the front door and Kat runs in...
ETHAN: Hey-
KAT: You're wasting time. You have a date with my friend, Molly.
ETHAN: What?
KAT: You wanted me to set you up. I'm setting you up.
ETHAN: Okay. Do I get her number?
KAT: Nope. You get her location. You're having sushi at Kenzu in nine minutes... and possibly sex in ninety; she's pretty loose. (she hands him a paper with the address to Kenzu)
ETHAN: (as he takes the address) That's my type.
KAT: Great. Uh, put something over that. (he's wearing a black t-shirt)
ETHAN: Why?
KAT: It's a little nippley...
ETHAN: (looks at his chest) Oooo!
KAT: Wait! Here... (she grabs a buttoned shirt from a chair in the livingroom, sniffs it and throws it to him)
ETHAN: Hey, what happened to you NOT setting people up?
KAT: Yeah, I know; but I was on my way to meet Molly for dinner and I realized it would just be me sitting there listening to her whine about how she can never meet a nice guy... then I remembered all your whining so I figured, two losers, one stone!
ETHAN: (as Kat is buttoning his shirt for him) You give and then you take away.
KAT: That's my job. (she finishes buttoning the shirt) All right... ready to go?
ETHAN: How do I look?
KAT: (sighs) The pants...
ETHAN: What about them?
KAT: You know, don't worry. If I know Molly, they're off by 9:15. (Ethan leaves)
Scene: Back at Kyle and Aaron's place, the phone rings and Aaron answers it...
AARON: Hello?
HOLLY: (slowly) Hi, Aaron... is Kyle there?
AARON: Uh, yes... but you should know, we're about to sit down for dinner.
HOLLY: I got like the first three words...
AARON: Kyle!
KYLE: Who is it? (Aaron strangles the phone and then gives it to Kyle) Holly, hi.
HOLLY: Hi! Sorry to bother you; but I knew you'd want to know, Oprah's interview went great!
PERRY: She killed!
KYLE: Listen, we're just sitting down to dinner...
HOLLY: Oh, okay, one quick question... assuming she gets in, on Tuesdays and Thurdays, how early can we drop her off at school?
KYLE: I'm not sure. Listen, we can figure all this out –
HOLLY: ... right... here's our conflict... (Holly continues to talk while Aaron and Kyle start arguing quietly)
KYLE: (to Aaron) One second... (Aaron breaks a set of chopsticks)
HOLLY: ... unless she stays at your place and you drive her.
KYLE: What?
HOLLY: Oh, also...
KYLE: Holly, I've really gotta go.
HOLLY: Yeah, but...
KYLE: We'll talk later! (He hangs up the phone) Oh my God!
AARON: Why is this woman in our life?
KYLE: I know, I know; but she's one of my oldest friends!
AARON: Even so.
KYLE: I get it. She's wound a little tight but she could also be a lot of fun!
AARON: When does that kick in? (They both sit down on the couch)
KYLE: Look, look, you you don't know her like I do. She's got a good heart, and, and you know, if you're in an emergency, she's the one you want.
The house phone rings again. Aaron looks at it and hands it to Kyle.
KYLE: Okay, we're not gonna answer. Let's just have dinner. (phone continues to ring)
While the house phone rings, Kyle's mobile begins to ring... he takes it out of his pocket and gasps. Aaron's mobile rings, he takes it out of his pocket and looks at Kyle with a stunned look on his face as all three phones ring simultaneously.
AARON: How did she get my number?!
Scene: Yonk and Nicole's living room. Yonk and Duncan are playing with a real football in the living room.
YONK: Blue, thirty-one, thirty-one, hut... hut... hut! (he tosses the football to Duncan)
DUNCAN: (as he catches the football and lands on the couch) Yes!
YONK: Yes! Shoes allowed on the couch?
DUNCAN: No!
YONK: No!
NICOLE: (as she enters thru the front door) So... how are my fellas doin'?
YONK: Well, I'm parched... and I've got the kind of thirst only Gatorade can tackle.
DUNCAN: That was your commercial!
YONK: One of my commercials. Listerine tackles bad breath! Gillette tackles razor burn. Bounce tackles static cling! Man, I miss acting. (he flips the ball to Duncan and he exits the living room)
NICOLE: Wow. I didn't think it was possible to make this whole thing worse; but you found a way.
DUNCAN: What?
NICOLE: Now you're friends with him??
DUNCAN: I wouldn't call us 'friends'... unless – why? Did he say we were friends??
NICOLE: Oh my God! Look, it's weird enough that you're here all day. Can you please not make this harder?
DUNCAN: Sure.
NICOLE: Thank you.
YONK: Hey Dunc, you wanna go with me and Nic to the Eagles game tonight?
DUNCAN: Yeah! (he turns around to look at Nicole) And then I'll do your thing.
Scene: Lina and Richie are at a restaurant, on a date...
RICHIE: So what are you thinking of getting?
LINA: I don't know, uh, sometimes I just close my eyes and wherever my finger lands, that's what I get.
RICHIE: Okay, let's do that. (they both close their eyes and pick on the menu) What did you get?
LINA: I, I'm having a side of beef.
RICHIE: I'm having executive chef Jerome Bennett. Maybe we just look.
BUSBOY: You're Richie Velch.
RICHIE: No, no I'm not.
BUSBOY: Yeah you are. I'd recognize that smug ass face of yours anywhere. You ruined my life you son of a bitch. I hope you're happy!
RICHIE: I have good days and bad days.
BUSBOY: I lost everything because of you. Do you even know how many lives you destroyed? I hope you die. I hope you die a slow, painful death, you miserable bag of crap! Carl will be your server! (busboy walks away)
RICHIE: (to Lina) Okay, please let me explain.
LINA: You don't have to, you know, sometimes busboys make death threats. It happens.
RICHIE: A few years ago, I was a research chemist for Gehrman-Driscoll, you know, the pharmaceutical company? Anyway, we pretty much built our entire reputation on this one medication, Somacil. It was a sleep aid, but turns out it had some pretty serious side effects.
LINA: Like what?
RICHIE: Well, uh, death. Also, dry mouth and frequent urination but the death thing was the issue. Anyway, the deal with the FDA couldn't prove a causal link but I-I could so I kind of blew the whistle and brought down the whole company. About a thousand people lost their jobs. I'm just guessing out busboy was one of them... Oh, good, he's telling our waiter about me. I'm gonna eat spit.
LINA: But you did a good thing.
RICHIE: No, it wasn't worth it. I lost my job and I couldn't get another one because who wants to hire a whistleblower? So, now I drive toxic waste to a landfill in New Jersey.
LINA: That's what you do?
RICHIE: Oh, don't worry, they hose me down at the end of the day. It's like Silkwood.
LINA: Oh, I never saw that.
RICHIE: Ugh, it's good, you should rent it.
LINA: You might not think so but I think you're a hero.
RICHIE: Really?
LINA: I do.
RICHIE: (he takes her hand) I don't deserve you. (he kisses her and and she smiles)
Scene: Ethan arrives home and Kat is there waiting for him...
KAT: How'd it go?
ETHAN: You're still here?
KAT: Hey, it takes a while to go through somebody's stuff. Come on... how'd it go with Molly?
ETHAN: Oh, yeah, she's great; really funny. So smart.
KAT: What's wrong with her?
ETHAN: Nothing. She's awesome.
KAT: But...
ETHAN: Her ears are a tad large.
KAT: Oh, God... her ears?
ETHAN: You've never noticed this?
KAT: No! How large are they?
ETHAN: They're huge. They're enormous. She's like two ears that happen to have a head.
KAT: I am so judging you right now.
ETHAN: I'm sorry.
KAT: Besides, she wears her hair down.
ETHAN: I know, but then she turns her head and one of them pops out like THWAP!
KAT: So that's it? You're not going to go out with her again because you can't see past her ears?
ETHAN: You can't!
KAT: You shallow, shallow man. This could be the girl of your dreams and you'll never know because she doesn't meet your tiny eared standards.
ETHAN: Okay, I'll see her again.
KAT: No, no, no, no, no.
ETHAN: No, no, you're right. Maybe if I spend more time with her, I'll be able to get past her... (he holds up his dog's ears)
KAT: You're not gonna go out with her again.
ETHAN: Why?
KAT: Because you're not gonna see past them.
ETHAN: Why not?
KAT: (screams out) Because they're huge! They're freakin' breadplates!
ETHAN: So you did notice them?
KAT: Oh, how could you not?! She's looks like a woman playing two tubas!
ETHAN: Then why did you set me up with her?
KAT: Because I was hoping that maybe you were a better person than I am.
ETHAN: Well, I'm not.
KAT: See? This is why I don't set people up. Because now I have to call her and I have to make up an excuse, and it's like this whole giant mess.
ETHAN: I'm sorry. So, you got anyone else? Someone smaller here (he motions to his ears) bigger here (he motions his chest)... I'm just saying.
Scene: Holly arrives at Kyle's apartment...
KYLE: Hi.
HOLLY: Hi.
KYLE: Thanks for coming over. Um, uh, maybe you should sit down.
HOLLY: (giggles nervously) Oh, that sounds ominous.
KYLE: Um, I spoke to the admissions people and uh, I got some bad news.
HOLLY: What?
KYLE: Okay, uh, apparently, when they met her, they couldn't help noticing that she's not black.
HOLLY: (surprised) They thought Oprah was black?
KYLE: I know, shocking.
HOLLY: Why should that even matter?
KYLE: Well, they're trying to create a more diverse student population. I, I, I don't know if you've noticed but we've got a lot of white kids. Sometimes it's hard to teach with the glare coming off my students!
HOLLY: So, what are we going to do?
KYLE: There's nothing to do. It's just not going to happen.
HOLLY: Okay. Okay. How black would she have to be?
KYLE: I don't know what to do with that.
HOLLY: Perry's family is from the South. Before the Civil War, his great-great-grandfather had this big plantation. It's not impossible... there's some mixed blood in there!
KYLE: Yeah, I don't think your ancestors owning slaves is really gonna help us here.
HOLLY: Alright then, what will?
KYLE: Nothing! It's over! I mean, even Oprah couldn't get Oprah into that school!
HOLLY: Well, that's not true.
KYLE: I know, she can do anything.
HOLLY: (as Kyle goes to open the front door) I don't know what to say. This is devastating! (she walks to the door) And I can't even tell Perry.
KYLE: Why not?
HOLLY: He just had this chemical peel; he's not supposed to cry for the next forty-eight hours.
KYLE: (as Holly walks out) Sorry! (he closes the door and Aaron walks in) Oh.
AARON: She sounded upset.
KYLE: Ugh, you should have seen her face.
AARON: That's okay. (he sits down on the couch)
KYLE: She really wanted this. But can you imagine if she got in? Oh, my God! Dealing with Holly everyday?!
AARON: It would have been a nightmare.
KYLE: I know, I know... which is why...
AARON: What?
KYLE: I made the whole black thing up.
AARON: No way.
KYLE: Pembridge doesn't have a diversity policy!
AARON: (as he gets up from the couch) So, you lied?
KYLE: Yeah... and I pulled her application.
AARON: Oh, my God! I've never loved you more! (he grabs Kyle and hugs him)
Scene: Duncan shows up at Nicole and Yonk's house. They talk at the front door.
NICOLE: You know, I actually thought you might care enough not to come tonight.
DUNCAN: Look, I'm sorry. I know this has gotta suck for you and I would feel really bad except I'm going to the Eagles game with Yonk Allen!
NICOLE: And his wife! (she closes the door behind her) Am I alone in this? Isn't this gonna to be hard for you to be with me and him?
DUNCAN: You know, it would be, except I'm going to the Eagles game with Yonk--
Nicole and DUNCAN: (simultaneously) Allen...
NICOLE: I get it. So there's nothing I can say here? You're really gonna do this to me?
DUNCAN: I guess, if it's gonna be that tough on you, then, I won't go.
NICOLE: Thank you. (she turns to open the front door)
DUNCAN: Oh come on! I gotta go! He's Yonk Allen! How many Sundays did we spend watching him play and now, to be walking into that stadium with him? That would be like, the highlight of my life.
NICOLE: Okay.
DUNCAN: Really?
NICOLE: Yeah. I'll stay home. You go.
DUNCAN: Are you sure?
NICOLE: Yeah. You're right, he's Yonk Allen. I know how much it meant the first time he took me to a game. I just hope you don't thank him the same way I did!
DUNCAN: I guess that depends on how good the seats are.
NICOLE: They're pretty good.
DUNCAN: Uh-oh.
NICOLE: Have fun tonight.
DUNCAN: You're awesome!
NICOLE: I really, really am. (they look at each other for a while) Okay, I'll go get him.
DUNCAN: Great.
NICOLE: (as she opens the front door) Honey?
As Duncan waits for Yonk, he peeks thru the window by the door and sees Yonk and Nicole hugging and kissing goodbye. He watches them and walks away.
YONK: Alright! Are we ready to roll?
DUNCAN: Sure.
Scene: Kat is in bed and her phone rings...
KAT: Hello?
LINA: Hey, hey, it's me.
KAT: How'd it go? Did he run you over again?
LINA: Stop! It was one time! (under her breath) God. No, I had the greatest night with him.
KAT: Yeah?
LINA: I think I finally got a good one.
Scene: Richie's apartment. He sits on his bed and starts to undo his shoes. A woman asleep in the bed sits up and turns around...
FERN: Where were you?
RICHIE: I had to work a double shift. Just go back to sleep. (she turns back around and goes to sleep)