The Class Transcripts
THE CLASS
1x06: The Class Goes Trick-Or-Treating
Original Airdate: Monday, October 23, 2006 on CBS
Written by: Amanda Lasher
Directed by: James Burrows
Transcribed exclusively for TVTDB.com
By: The Jellybean 66
Edited by: Pennywise
Episode starts with the third grade class photo and zooms in on Richie Velch. It fades to a grown up Richie entering Nicole and Yonk's house.
DUNCAN: Hey, man.
RICHIE: Hey.
DUNCAN: You okay?
RICHIE: Lina and I had our first date a month ago today and I wanna get her something to celebrate. I wanna get her a trumpet.
DUNCAN: Really? I usually get them flowers or drunk. But if you score with the trumpet, you let me know.
RICHIE: On our first date she told me she always wanted to play one; but they're so expensive.
DUNCAN: Hey, you know what's not? Drug store vodka.
RICHIE: Ahh...I love a gift that makes a girl say 'Where am I? What happened?' (Yonk enters)
YONK: Heads up. (he's carrying a bag full of footballs and he tosses one to Duncan, who catches it and then he throws one to Richie who stands there with his arms crossed as the ball flies by him and hits the wall)
RICHIE: Oh, was I supposed to -
DUNCAN: What's with the balls?
YONK: Memorabilia convention. I'm running late so I need you guys to sign my name on 'em.
DUNCAN: Cool.
RICHIE: I don't see anything unethical about that.
YONK: Is that sarcasm? 'Cause I do not get sarcasm.
RICHIE: Which is surprising 'cause you're so smart.
YONK: I know!
DUNCAN: Where's the convention?
YONK: Atlantic City. Oh, man it's a sweet deal. I just spend an hour chatting up the fans and then it's all the free drinks and free food I can shove down my cakehole.
RICHIE: You're charming.
YONK: I appreciate you saying so.
DUNCAN: They actually pay you to eat, drink and get your ass kissed, wow.
YONK: You wanna come along?
DUNCAN: Are you messing with me? (Nicole enters)
NICOLE: Messing with him about what?
YONK: Oh, Dunc's coming to AC with me.
DUNCAN: I'm-a shove free things down my cakehole!
NICOLE: So, it's a fancy trip?
YONK: (turns around to Richie) What about you champ? You like Atlantic City?
RICHIE: I've never been.
YONK: What?! You've never been to AC? Well, that's it; you're goin'! (to Duncan) Red's comin'! (he exits)
NICOLE: (to Duncan) Can I talk to you for a second?
DUNCAN: Yeah, sure, what's up?
NICOLE: Um, thank God you're going. I need you to do me a huge favor.
DUNCAN: Yeah, anything.
NICOLE: You gotta make sure Yonk doesn't gamble.
DUNCAN: (scoffs) Yeah, I'm not doin' that.
NICOLE: I'm begging you. He's got a huge problem. The last time he went to AC...twenty three thousand dollars.
DUNCAN: He won twenty three thousand dollars?!
NICOLE: Yeah, that's my problem. My husband is a compulsive winner. (pause) Please? Will you at least try? For me?
DUNCAN: Yeah, you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
NICOLE: Thank you. (Yonk enters)
YONK: How are the balls comin'?
RICHIE: Great. Just knowing I'm helping you get richer makes the time fly by.
YONK: That's the spirit! (Yonk leaves the house)
RICHIE: (to Nicole and Duncan) I could do that all day!
Opening theme
Scene starts with Holly Ellenbogen's third grade picture and fades to a grown up Holly in her livingroom.
PERRY: Mommy, someone's ready to show you her costume. Oprah! Ta-da! (Oprah enters looking like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's, complete with a little table with setting included)
HOLLY: Oooo...she's a blind girl drinking juice!
PERRY: Hello! Audrey Hepburn. Breakfast at Tiffany's!
HOLLY: Oh! I love it. (phone rings) Oh. (she picks up the phone)
OPRAH: (to Perry): I don't get it.
PERRY: You don't have to get it; you just have to sell it!
HOLLY: (on the phone) Absolutely. I'm leaving right now. (to Perry) Guess what? Steve Martinez just went into rehab.
PERRY: Yes!
HOLLY: I'm gonna cover his spot on the midday news today and it's between me and Sandy Tanaka to take over as weekend anchor!
PERRY: (gasping) Oh...Oh, my God! This is our moment.
HOLLY: I know.
TOGETHER: WEEKEND ANCHOR!!!
PERRY: Okay, alright...let's not get ahead of ourselves. Sandy Tanaka is gonna be hard to beat.
HOLLY: Oh, yeah.
PERRY: With her Asian demographic and her big fake boobs.
HOLLY: Oh, you noticed them, have you?
PERRY: Oh Honey, relax. You know I'm an ass man. Okay, come on, you gotta go change. Um, I'm thinking the black Von Furstenberg with the new Jimmy Choos.
HOLLY: Oh no, I can barely walk in those. They're so tall and spikey. Can I just wear these?
PERRY: Black suit, brown shoes? Sure you can...Hello, Sandy Tanaka? Get your big fake rack down here, you've got the job.
HOLLY: Alright, alright. What would I do without you?
PERRY: Clash.
Scene: Duncan, Yonk and Richie arrive at a casino in Atlantic City.
DUNCAN: (to Yonk) That was so awesome! All those players I grew up watching, all those legends in the same room and I couldn't help thinking, they got so fat!
YONK: You know how I keep it off? I only eat meat.
RICHIE: Well, that's not a heart attack waiting to happen.
YONK: Well, let's hope you're right. Alright, lets hit the tables.
DUNCAN: Oh, uh, we're gambling, huh?
YONK: Oh, I'm not. I promised Nic I wouldn't gamble. But it's Big Ric's here's first time in AC. Thought he ought to have a little taste of the action.
RICHIE: Oh, I don't, I don't need to taste the action. I assume it tastes like chicken.
YONK: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll spot you a hundred bucks each, alright? Just as a thank you for signing my balls. (noticing a woman sitting nearby) How you doin', darlin'?
Scene: Holly is on the job, on location at a petting zoo.
HOLLY: Danny, I'm going to do a walk and talk along the fence there. And make sure you're wide enough to see my shoes.
Danny: Jack said he wanted you in there with the animals.
HOLLY: Actually, in there, with them? (Danny nods as he hands her a microphone) Well, if that's what Jack wants...(she walks over to the pen where the sheep are) Hey guys! (she steps inside) Hello little fella. (she walks in more) Oh! Hi, you Musty.
Danny: Alright Doctor Doolittle, we're live in three, two, --
HOLLY: (reporting) Halloween is once again upon us. Here at the Upper Darby Autumn Festival, there's a petting zoo your little goblins won't want to miss (she stumbles as she walks with the sheep) Already, the festival has attracted a...record (she stumbles again) number... (she looks down at her feet and gasps) Oh!
PERRY: (on his mobile) Get a hold of yourself Sweetie, now say it again. You did what?
HOLLY: I impaled a bunny with my shoe!
PERRY: Oh, my God. Okay, honey, I'm coming to get you. Where are you? (there are two noisy kids in the background) Boys please! Keep it down! My wife is very upset, she just killed a bunny.
KID #1: A bunny?
KID #2: His wife?
HOLLY: (on her mobile with Perry) It was so horrible.
PERRY: Oh, honey, I know. But it's gonna be okay. And it's a holiday, maybe not that many people were watching.
TV reporter: And Halloween got a little scarier today at a Philadelphia petting zoo. We should warn you this footage may not be appropriate for children. (they show Holly's report)
HOLLY: (on TV reporting) . Here at the Upper Darby Autumn Festival, there's a petting zoo your little goblins won't want to miss (Aaron is watching the news when there are gasps from the crowd at the petting zoo on TV).
AARON: Holy crap! (he reaches for the phone)
KYLE: (sitting at his desk at school, picks up his ringing mobile) I know. It's already online.
(scene cuts to some Japanese students watching Holly's report online)
HOLLY: ...there's a petting zoo your little goblins won't want to miss...(the students cringe)
Scene: Lina wheels out of her bedroom in her FDR costume. She puts a cigarette in her mouth...
LINA: (to Kat) Guess who I am.
KAT: Old timey lesbian?
LINA: Here's a hint...Uh, what am I gonna do about world war two? Oh, no, I can't believe I've got polio! Have you met my wife Eleanor? She's got a face like a boot. (there's a knock at the door and Kat goes to open it. It's Ethan dressed as Superman)
ETHAN: Greetings citizens.
KAT: So what does the S stand for? Seriously??
LINA: I think you can pull it off Superman.
ETHAN: Thank you...wheelchair transvestite?
KAT: So, Superman, really?
ETHAN: What?
KAT: Ah, nothing. It's just kinda nice knowing I could kick Superman's ass.
ETHAN: Excuse me?
LINA: Ignore her. She's all hopped up on candy.
KAT: Yeah, I ate so many skittles, I peed the rainbow.
ETHAN: Wow, you're actually claiming that you could kick my ass?
LINA: You guys, can we please go to this party? I'm really sweating in this suit.
KAT: You don't think that I could?
ETHAN: Uh, well, I'm bigger than you, I am stronger than you, I wrestled in high school -
KAT: Oh a wrestler huh?
ETHAN: Mm-hmm.
KAT: Well then, it shouldn't be a problem if somebody were to - HAH CHA! (she kicks at Ethan)
ETHAN: What the hell was that?
KAT: Sorry, what I meant to do was this! (she gets up from her seat trying to get at Ethan but he sticks his hand out and pushes her back down)
ETHAN: You are out of control! Face it, you can't beat me, I've got special powers. (he walks out of the apartment and Kat races after him)
LINA: Oh, look out Superman!
KAT: (from outside in the hallway) Ow! Ow! Ow, ow! Let me go, let me go, let me go! (Ethan walks back in with Kat in a leg and arm headlock)
ETHAN: Alright, but first admit I am the man of steel.
KAT: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
ETHAN: Fine, I've got nothing but time.
KAT: Okay, let go, come on.
ETHAN: Not until you say I'm Superman. Hmmm?
LINA: I'm hot.
Scene: Duncan and Richie play blackjack while Yonk watches.
DEALER: Place your bets.
RICHIE: (to Yonk) Okay, here's what I'm thinking. I keep the money...that's it.
DUNCAN: Come on man, you gotta play.
YONK: Besides, it's my hundred bucks; you know, you just keep the profits.
Rickie: Okay, okay. (dealer deals)
DUNCAN: Hit me. And...not my money!
YONK: It's to you Rick, you want a card?
RICHIE: I, I don't know. How do I do this?
DUNCAN: You gotta get a higher number than the dealer.
YONK: But you can't go over twenty-one.
RICHIE: Okay. I have fourteen. (to the dealer) What do you have?
DEALER: I can't tell you that sir.
RICHIE: Well, this is a nightmare.
YONK: Ask for a card.
RICHIE: Can I have another card please? (dealer gives him a card)
DEALER: Twenty-one.
RICHIE: Twenty-one...that's twenty-one right?
DUNCAN: Yeah, man, that's twenty-one.
RICHIE: I won! Oh, my God! I won ten dollars!
YONK: You having fun now? (Yonk puts his hand up for a high five) Yeah, not with the ring.
Scene: Holly and Perry's house. There's a knock on the door and Perry answers.
PERRY: Hi.
KYLE: (dressed as a cowboy) Hey. We were on our way to a pary and we thought we'd see how she's doing.
PERRY: You didn't have to do that.
AARON: (dressed as a pirate) That's what I said. (they walk in)
PERRY: Honey, look who's here.
KYLE: Hey, how are you?
HOLLY: It's only the worst day of my entire life. But I'm getting through it. Apparently, I drink scotch now.
PERRY: Where did you see it?
KYLE: On the internet.
HOLLY: (shocked) It, It's on the internet??
KYLE: Uh, yeah, it's called ' can I see this bunny in a size eight'?
HOLLY: (she gasps) Oh, there you go, it's everywhere. (to Perry) I told you it was over!
KYLE: What's over?
HOLLY: I was up for weekend anchor. It was between me and Sandy Tanaka.
KYLE: Oh, we love Sandy Tanaka! Why do I do that?
PERRY: There must be some way to fix this.
KYLE: Hey, well, what about if you make a big apology on the air, you know. Maybe go back to the petting zoo.
AARON: Maybe you should wear sneakers?
HOLLY: I can't go back there.
PERRY: Sweetie, you gotta give it a try! You want it so much. Call Jack. You can still get on the eleven o'clock news. (Perry hands her the phone)
HOLLY: Okay. (she takes the phone from Perry) Okay, I'll do it. (she walks away to make the call while Perry backs up and bumps into Aaron. He turns around, checks him out head to toe)
PERRY: (to Aaron) Ahoy!
Scene: Back at Lina's apartment, Ethan still has Kat in a leg/arm headlock
KAT: Let me go!
ETHAN: Let me go who?
KAT: Oh, you are so lame.
KAT: Hey! Sweaty Roosevelt, help me out over here!
LINA: I'm sorry, but I've got polio.
KAT: You know, I think it's interesting that you feel the need to be called Superman. I mean, really what does that - ow, wait, ow, ow, ow...no, no,no, I've got a cramp, I've got a cramp, ...seriously, let me go.
LINA: She's totally faking. She always used to try this.
KAT: No, not faking, not fakinig, it really hurts!
ETHAN: Just say it.
KAT: (almost crying) Oh, my God will you stop being such an ass?
LINA: Look for tears. She can fake the noises but she can't make the tears!
ETHAN: (struggling) I can't see her face.
KAT: Let me go!
ETHAN: Totally dry!
KAT: Damn it!
Scene: Back at the casino...
DEALER: Twenty-one.
RICHIE: I can't lose! How much do I have now?
YONK: You're up seven hundred.
RICHIE: (to Yonk) Dollars? Do you have any idea how much money that is?
YONK: I once tipped a dealer five grand.
RICHIE: (to Duncan) Do you have any idea how much money that is?
DUNCAN: Hey, I just realized something, I've never seen you have fun before.
RICHIE: I know. It's freaking me out.
DEALER: Place your bets.
RICHIE: I'm betting it all.
DUNCAN: Oh God.
YONK: You gotta admire the plums on this kid.
RICHIE: You hear that? Admire my plums.
DUNCAN: You're betting it all?
RICHIE: I'm gonna get Lina the best trumpet anyone's ever gotten. (to dealer) Hit me....hit me...hit me...twenty-one!
DUNCAN: Twenty-two.
RICHIE: Twenty-two! What?
YONK: Sorry bud.
RICHIE: Wait...before you take away the chips...okay you're taking away the chips...Why are you taking the chips Vivian? Vivian, lets talk about this.
DUNCAN: Sh, shh, shh...It's gonna be okay, alright.
RICHIE: How can it be okay? I had seven hundred dollars! I didn't have to keep going. What am I gonna get Lina now?
DUNCAN: She'll understand.
RICHIE: She shouldn't have to understand. What do I do? How do I get that money back?
DUNCAN: You can't.
YONK: Not unless you keep playing. (with a smile on his face)
RICHIE: I'm in!
YONK: (to dealer) We'll go for another thousand.
RICHIE: Yes!
DUNCAN: No, no, no...no, no, no! Look we agreed a hundred bucks that's all, okay. I lost my money, we didn't keep going.
RICHIE: 'Cause you're a loser! I'm a winner...I've got plums!
DUNCAN: (to Yonk) You promised Nicole you wouldn't gamble!
YONK: I'm not gambling! I'm just helping a skinny pale kid buy some gal a trombone.
RICHIE: Trumpet.
YONK: Whatever. Neither one of them are gonna getcha laid.
Scene: Back at Lina's...
ETHAN: Just say I'm Superman.
KAT: No!
LINA: My God, this is crazy! Ugh, you're grown ups. Ethan, you're a doctor! Doctors don't do this! And you, is much less surprising, but enough already!
Ethan; Two words will set you free.
KAT: I've got two words for ya.
LINA: Unless...you guys are enjoying this!
ETHAN: What?
LINA: I'm thinking maybe you two...
Ethan and KAT: No, whoa...
ETHAN: I don't think so
LINA: Yeah, yeah...Oh, I noticed you guys found a way to spend the whole night wrapped around each other.
ETHAN: She is so not my type.
KAT: If anybody is into anybody, it's obviously him.
ETHAN: Uh, where do you get that?
KAT: Uh, hello...
ETHAN: That's padding!
KAT: (laughs) Really?
ETHAN: Come on...for two hours?
KAT: Hey, I thought it might be your one super power.
LINA: You know, I'm gonna go to this party by myself 'cause I think you two kids need a little alone time. (Lina wheels herself out the door)
KAT: You're Superman.
ETHAN: Whatever.
Scene: Back at the petting zoo...
HOLLY: How do I look?
PERRY: Like the woman who's sorry she killed a bunny. Any chance you could cry?
Holly attempts to cry...
HOLLY: I don't think so.
PERRY: Maybe we can get you there. Picture me with another woman.
HOLLY: Oh...
PERRY: We're kissing, we're groping each other...skirts are being ripped off
KYLE: He said skirts.
AARON: I heard it.
HOLLY: Honey, I don't need to cry. I can handle this.
CAMERAMAN: Alright, we're ready to go.
HOLLY: (She enters the animal pen and stumbles) Uh...
CAMERAMAN: We're live in three, two...
Less than ten hours ago, I was standing on this very spot surrounded by these glorious creatures that I love so much. But then tragedy struck, taking the life of a popular little fellow named Q-Tip. My heart goes out to bunnies and bunny lovers everywhere over the loss of this amazing rabbit. I hope you can forgive me, and that I can forgive myself. Reporting live amongst my furry friends, Holly Ellenbogen, News nine.
CAMERAMAN: And...we're out.
HOLLY: (squealing with fear) Please get these things away from me! Get them away from me!!
CAMERAMAN: Wait, sorry...Now we're out.
HOLLY: Oh!
Scene: Back at the casino...
YONK: We cannot catch a break.
RICHIE: We need more money.
YONK: Man, this is starting to get ugly.
DUNCAN: Starting to get ugly? You lost fifteen thousand dollars. You've got to stop!
RICHIE: Don't listen to him. Gambling is fun! We are having fun!
DUNCAN: This is insane, man. You have a problem.
YONK: Look, I appreciate your concern but I'm a big boy and nobody tells Yonk Allen what to do.
Duncan's mobile rings.
DUNCAN: It's Nicole.
YONK: What's she doin' callin' you?
DUNCAN: I'm supposed to make sure you don't gamble.
YONK: You ain't doin' a good job.
DUNCAN: Hey.
NICOLE: Hey. How's he doing?
DUNCAN: Uh, let me, let me go somewhere where I could talk, okay? (to Yonk) Alright, look, I'll tell you what. You just put that money away and she doesn't need to know anything.
YONK: What are you doin' here kid?
DUNCAN: What are you doin'? You have this incredible woman, and if I were married to her, I would never, I would never risk screwing that up.
YONK: You're right.
RICHIE: No!
DUNCAN: (to Nicole) Hey, he's uh, he's doin' good. Everything's fine.
NICOLE: Oh, that's great. Thank you so much.
DUNCAN: Yeah, yeah, it was no big deal.
NICOLE: So where are you guys now?
DUNCAN: Uh, strip club.
NICOLE: (with a sigh of relief) Oh, that's great. Keep him there.
DUNCAN: Will do. (hangs up)
YONK: Thanks kid.
DUNCAN: Yeah, let's get outta here.
RICHIE: No.
DUNCAN: What?
RICHIE: I'm not stopping. I want my salary for this week.
DUNCAN: (scoffs) Yeah, that's not happening.
RICHIE: I worked for it. It's mine and I want it.
DUNCAN: No way man. That's your rent, that's your gas; you can't afford that.
RICHIE: I don't' care. It's for Lina. It's my money. I just—just once, I need to not lose.
Duncan reaches into his pocket and takes out his wallet. He pulls out some money and hands it to Richie.
RICHIE: Thank you.
DUNCAN: Good Luck.
Richie places his bet and the dealer deals the cards.
RICHIE: Hit me. (pause) Hit me.
YONK: Don't do it.
RICHIE: Hit me. (he puts his face into his hands)
Scene: Back at Lina's apartment, she is taking something out of a box.
LINA: (pulling out a trombone) Oh my God. I, I, I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful, perfect present I've ever gotten.
RICHIE: Yay!
LINA: Wait, let's see what this baby can do, okay?
She begins to play out of tune.
Next door neighbor: Shut up!
LINA: Oh, ho, ho...That's my neighbour in 2A. Excuse me. (screaming at the top of her lungs) That's for the electric guitar!! How do you like that now??!! (neighbour plays a loud lick and Lina counters with the trumpet and they both keep playing) Thank you, it's perfect.