Will & Grace Transcripts
Will & Grace
3X06 - Love Plus One
Original Airdate: 11/9/2000
Written by Richard Rosenstock
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
SCENE I: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is on the phone. WILL and GRACE enter in the middle of her steamy phone conversation.)
KAREN: [ON PHONE] Yeah, you're a wicked little schoolboy to be talking to me like this in the middle of a work day. I'm gonna make you stay after school and bang the erasers. Ok, ok, yeah. Yeah, you like it rough. Don't you, you dirty little monkey? Yeah. Next time I see you, I'm gonna bend you over my knee-- [KAREN NOTICES THAT WILL AND GRACE HAVE WALKED IN.] Oh, crap, I gotta go. Mom and mom are home.
WILL: Now we know how she's making that extra $2.95 per minute.
GRACE: You know, you talk a lot of trash about that husband of yours, but when you get right down to it, you two still have the hots for each other.
KAREN: Yeah... Yeah, we do. But that wasn't Stan. That was your boyfriend, Nicholas something.
GRACE: Nicholas? Nicholas is an ex-boyfriend.
KAREN: Honey, with you, I thought the "ex" was implied. He flew into town this weekend. He can't wait to see you.
WILL: Which I guess would make you his layover. "Grace Adler is now ready for boarding. Buckle up. There's bound to be some turbulence."
GRACE: What are you, 10?
WILL: All right.
KAREN: So who is this sexy exie, anyway?
GRACE: He's a cellist with the Boston Symphony. We went out for a little while a couple of years ago. It was, uh, interesting.
WILL: Grace is just being modest. It was terrible. For six weeks, all you guys did was fight like cats.
GRACE: Yeah, but we made up like dogs. Oh, I can't wait to see him.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: [ANSWERING PHONE] Grace Adler Designs. [GIGGLES] Hey there, big daddy. [LAUGHS] What are you up to, you little dirty dirty?
GRACE: Ok, hang up, hang up. [INTO PHONE] Hey, sexy. Oh, hi, Dad.
[WILL COUGHS]
SCENE II: Banana Republic
(New sales associate JACK, wearing a cordless microphone headset, is helping a customer.)
JACK: Ok, I say yes on the pants, yes on the sweater, and definitely yes with the other decision you're struggling with, ok?
[KAREN ENTERS, WEARING SUNGLASSES AND A FUR COAT AND MAKES HER WAY TO JACK.]
KAREN: [WHISPERING] Hey. Hey. Psst, Jack.
JACK: Oh, hey, Karen--
KAREN: Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! I'm Anastasia Beaverhausen!
JACK: Why are you using your alias?
KAREN: Because I passed a couple of bad checks here. You know, for sport?
JACK: Mrs. Beaverhausen, can you believe it? Me, a Banana Republic sales associate. And my guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. Come on. Let's go to Barney's. There's a new salesgirl there, and we gotta get her fired. She has a gray tooth. Come on.
JACK: I can't.
KAREN: Wh--? Let's go.
JACK: I can't. I'm working. Hello?
KAREN: Well, yeah, and I'm ovulating, but nothing's gonna come of that, either.
JACK: You don't understand. I have responsibilities. Look, a headset.
KAREN: You know... This isn't working. This is gonna interfere with our friendship. I work a 40-hour month for what's-her-name, and I always make time for us. Come on.
JACK: Karen-- I can't, all right? But I promise. Nothing's gonna change between us. Hey, I'll come over later, and we'll short-sheet Rosario's bed.
KAREN: Ok. Maybe we can take a big bubble bath together.
JACK: Nothing would give me more pleasure than to sponge-clean the Beaverhausen.
[KAREN TURNS AND EXITS AS WILL ENTERS.]
KAREN: [TO WILL] Wilma.
WILL: [TO KAREN] Anastasia. [TO JACK] Uh, hey. I just received a message saying you have a new job and you're going to buy me dinner. There's, like, 18 things wrong with that sentence.
JACK: Will, The Banana has changed my life. It's all about The Banana.
WILL: Hasn't it always been?
JACK: Hey, save that smut for Loehman's. You're in The Republic now.
SCENE III: A Book Store
(GRACE is impatiently waiting at a table by herself.)
NICHOLAS: [ENTERING] Hey, Grace.
GRACE: Nicholas. Hi.
NICHOLAS: It's been a long time.
GRACE: Yeah, it has. Even longer, since you were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.
NICHOLAS: What are you talking about? You said "1:20."
GRACE: I said 1:00. Who says "meet at 1:20?"
NICHOLAS: Here we go.
GRACE: I've been waiting here a half hour. I was so bored, I almost started to read.
NICHOLAS: Listen... Don't blame me because you're unclear--as usual.
GRACE: I was totally clear. You just hear whatever you want to hear.
NICHOLAS: You look hot.
GRACE: So do you. So, how's Boston?
NICHOLAS: Do you really care?
GRACE: No. Just making conversation till we get to the good stuff.
NICHOLAS: How about that? I'm fresh out of conversation.
GRACE: How about that? [GRACE AND NICHOLAS KISS PASSIONATELY]
PAULA: [ENTERING, TO NICHOLAS] There you are.
NICHOLAS: Oh, hey, love.
PAULA: Hey, baby. [NICHOLAS AND PAULA KISS PASSIONATELY]
PAULA: [TO GRACE] You must be Grace. So nice to meet you.
GRACE: [CONFUSED] Thank you... You...
PAULA: I'm not late, am I? You told me to be here at 1:35. [PICKS UP A BOOK] Oh, my God. I've been looking for this book. It's the perfect size to replace that little foot that broke off my hamper. I'll be right back.
NICHOLAS: Ok.
GRACE: So, uh... Your... sister seems nice?
NICHOLAS: No, she-- She's not my sister. She's my girlfriend. She joined the Symphony last year. She plays the flute.
GRACE: [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Nicholas, I'm so embarrassed. I mean, if I had known that kiss before was just a "hello" kiss, I would have used a lot less tongue. See, when you called, I thought you wanted to get together to do what we get together to do.
NICHOLAS: That's right.
GRACE: But you have a girlfriend now.
NICHOLAS: That's right.
GRACE: Ok, I guess I'm a little dense, 'cause, I mean, you can't have sex with me and your girlfriend at the same time.
NICHOLAS: That's wrong.
GRACE: What? But... Oh. Oh, but-- [GASPS] Oh!
SCENE IV: Banana Republic
(JACK is showing WILL his new crush, MATTHEW.)
JACK: Oh, my God. There he is. He's back.
WILL: Who?
JACK: 32 long flat-front chinos. The man I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. Look at him, Will. He's perfection. So loverly. He makes me want to be a bigger man.
WILL: You mean "a better man."
JACK: Yeah, that, too.
WILL: How do you know he's gay?
JACK: He beeped.
WILL: Oh. He's a cutie. Why don't you go talk to him?
JACK: I can't.
WILL: You "can't?" You're not shy around men. You'd hit on the Pope if he drove a better car. Come on. You're-- you're Jack. Get in there.
JACK: I'm Jack.
WILL: You're Jack.
JACK: I'm Jack.
WILL: Jack.
JACK: I'm Jack.
WILL: You're Jack.
[JACK STARTS APPROACHING MATTHEW.]
JACK: [UNDER HIS BREATH] I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack--
MATTHEW: [TO JACK] Does this shirt come in anything besides cranberry? Because I just don't think it will go with my gooseberry pants. Uh, gandaberry, lingonberry, Halle Berry? [JACK JUST STARES, SPEECHLESS] Ok, thanks. [MATTHEW TURNS AND WALKS AWAY]
JACK: [TO HIMSELF] Me! I'm the fruit that would go with those pants.
WILL: Nice try. Tell me. Does this come in a boot? [WILL HOLDS UP A SWEATER.]
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is telling KAREN and WILL about her meeting with Nicholas and Paula.)
GRACE: Can you imagine me in a 3-way?
[KAREN AND WILL SNICKER.]
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Honey, I can barely imagine you in 2-way.
[WILL AND KAREN LAUGH]
GRACE: Hey, come on. I mean, it's not outside the realm of possibility.
WILL: Grace, I can see me in a 3-way. I can see Karen in a 3-way.
KAREN: Oh, honey, every night with Stan is a 3-way-- Me, him, and Johnnie Walker Black. Just the three of us.
WILL: [TO GRACE] But you're just not that girl.
KAREN: No way, no how.
GRACE: Hey, I have been known to get a little crazy in the boudoir. Some might even call me...kinky.
[WILL AND KAREN LAUGH]
GRACE: Hey!
WILL: Sweetheart. People who are truly kinky never use the word kinky.
KAREN: And who the hell says "boudoir"?! "Hey, hey. Look at me. I'm kinky, and I'm in the boudoir."
[WILL AND KAREN LAUGH]
GRACE: Ok. Ok, ok. So maybe I haven't had sex with more than one person at a time, but I've done a lot of crazy things. I once had sex in the kitchen.
WILL: Ooh. What are you-- A rock star?
[WILL AND KAREN LAUGH]
GRACE: What is that? All right. No. You're done. I have clients coming. Get out.
WILL: If I don't, are you gonna spank me, kinko?
GRACE: Get out!
WILL: Whoa! If I hear anything like that in the boudoir, watch out!
[GRACE PUSHES WILL OUT OF THE OFFICE.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] I don't care what either of you say, I am not a prude.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Come on. Come on. I love you like the mother I had committed against her will. But you are Prudence McPrude, the Mayoress of Prudie Town.
GRACE: Karen, you are wrong.
KAREN: Quack, quack. No, I'm not.
GRACE: Yes, you are!
KAREN: Quack.
GRACE: Look, you know what? Not only am I the kind of person who would do a 3-way, I'm the kind of person who's going to do a 3-way. So say good-bye to Prudence McPrude, and say hello to Slutly Slutenstein.
SCENE VI: Banana Republic
(WILL enters, looking for JACK. He finds another Banana Republic sales associate, SCOTT.)
WILL: Excuse me. I'm looking for Jack.
SCOTT: [INTO HEADSET] Jack, you have a visitor, and he's cute. If I didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be so into him. He'll be right here.
[JACK FINDS WILL.]
WILL: Hey, hey. What's with this page? "Baby bear needs mama bear." You- You're only supposed to use that in a gay emergency.
JACK: It is an emergency. He's back. 32 long is back. His pants... Are ready. Have lovelier words ever been uttered?
WILL: Say it soft, and it's almost like praying.
JACK: I need your help, Will. I figured out what it is about him that scares me. He's a smarty. I heard him on his cell phone using big words like "particular" and "delicatessen." I need you to make me smart.
WILL: All right. I'll--I'll need a mad scientist, two electric switching helmets, and a willing monkey.
JACK: There's not enough time. Oh, my God. There he is. Please, Will, help me.
WILL: I still don't understand what you want me to do. It's not like I can talk for you.
JACK: Oh, my God. You're a girl genius. That's exactly what you can do. Scott, call home. Your girlfriend's pregnant. [JACK TAKES SCOTT'S HEADSET AND PAK.]
SCOTT: What? How?
JACK: Just go. [SCOTT RUNS OFF. JACK GIVES THE HEADSET TO WILL]
WILL: No, no, no. No, Jack. This is ridiculous. No.
JACK: I've never felt this way about anyone. Please.
WILL: All right. What could possibly go wrong with this plan?
[WILL PUTS ON THE HEADSET, AND MOVES OUT OF SIGHT.]
JACK: [INTO HEADSET] Testing, testing. Sibilant. Rhubarb. My dog has fleas.
WILL: [INTO HEADSET] Yeah, I hear you, Jack.
JACK: [INTO HEADSET] Approaching target. Approaching target. Oh, my. Look how flat target's stomach is. Ok, I'm in. Give me a line a smarty would open with.
WILL: [INTO HEADSET] Hello?
JACK: [TO MATHHEW] Hello.
MATTHEW: [TO JACK] Hi.
JACK: [INTO HEADSET] Oh, my God. It's working.
MATTHEW: [TO JACK] I just bought She's Come Undone, but I was disappointed when I got home and I realized it wasn't a biography of J. Edgar Hoover. [LAUGHS]
[JACK LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
MATTHEW: So what are you reading these days?
JACK: Oh, good question. What am I reading? [INTO HEADSET] What am I reading? What am I reading?
WILL: [INTO HEADSET] Actually, I'm re-reading an old favorite, Rabbit Run.
JACK: [REPEATING WILL] Actually, I'm re-reading an old favorite, Rabid Nun.
WILL: [INTO HEADSET] Rabbit Run, you idiot.
JACK: Rabbit Run, you idiot. Rabbit Run.
WILL: No, you're the idiot!
JACK: No, you're the idiot! I mean-- I mean, I'm the idiot. I'm c-c-crazy. [INTO HEADSET] Why did you let me do that?
WILL: Hey, a ventriloquist is only as good as his dummy.
[WILL CONTINUES TO FEED JACK LINES, WHICH HE REPEATS TO MATTHEW.]
WILL: So listen, Matthew--
JACK: So listen, Matthew--
WILL: --if you like She's Come Undone, you know what else you might like?
JACK: --if you like She's Come Undone, you know what else you might like?
WILL: If I tore off my clothes and gave you a lap dance on the V-neck sweaters.
JACK: If I tore-- If I-- If I tore over here and invited you to caress the insole of our brand-new seamed Oxford.
MATTHEW: Ooh, seems a little fast. I like to get to know a shoe before I put my foot in it. Take it to dinner, buy it a sock.
WILL: So, what is it you do?
JACK: So, what is it you do?
MATTHEW: I work in television.
JACK: Oh, my God. I love TV. Buffy is my life.
MATTHEW: Oh.
JACK: I'm so into Willow being a lez. Did you have anything to do with that?
MATTHEW: No, I'm a sports writer. I write news, sports, you know, like that.
WILL: Sports? I got nothing. The last sporting event I watched was "Circus of the Stars."
WOMAN: [TO WILL] Hey, do you have this in a size 8?
WILL: [TO THE WOMAN] I don't work here.
JACK: So, back to Buffy. Is it really--
WILL: Forget Buffy, you boob. Ask him what he does for fun.
JACK: What do you do for fun?
MATTHEW: Oh, I don't know. Let's see, uh... Oh. Well, tonight, I'm going to an opening at the Spielman Gallery, where I'll probably get shamed into buying some art.
WILL: Oh, my god. I got-- [CONTINUES, WITH JACK REPEATING HIM TO MATTHEW]
JACK: [REPEATING WILL] Oh, my God. I got shamed at that gallery, too. That little skinny woman with the big hands and the blue veins who wouldn't take no for an answer.
MATTHEW: I know her. She did a number on me. She made me buy this 4x6 canvas of a foot. Fortunately, I got out of there before she made me buy this hideous sculpture they had out front.
WILL: Japanese Man With Fish?
JACK: Japanese Man With Fish?
MATTHEW: Japanese Man With Fish.
WILL: I bought it.
JACK: I bought it.
MATTHEW: You didn't.
WILL: I did.
JACK: [INTO HEADSET] Hey, can we talk about something I'm interested in?! [HITTING THE WALL]
WILL: Jack, Jack. Don't bail. This is working. Look, Matthew. Let me ask you something.
JACK: Matthew, let me ask you something.
WILL: And don't take this the wrong way. [THE SAME WOMAN OPENS WILL'S DRESSING ROOM] Get out of here, you silly woman!
JACK: Get out of here, you silly woman! [TO A WOMAN SHOPPING] You, you silly woman. Out! [TO MATTHEW] Now, where were we?
MATTHEW: I think I should get going.
JACK: All right, look. Obviously, you have some stuff you need to work out up here, ok? [POINTING TO HIS HEAD] Um, and I don't know if I'm invested enough to start couples counseling.
MATTHEW: Maybe it's just as well, Jack, because I think I'm interested in somebody else.
JACK: Yeah. Whatever you need to tell yourself, ok. Um, just promise me you'll allow yourself some time to grieve.
MATTHEW: Maybe I can start the grieving process while you get my pants.
JACK: Good idea. [INTO HEADSET] Will, you're fired.
[JACK EXITS TO GET MATTHEW'S PANTS. MATTHEW HEADS TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR.]
WILL: Hey, listen, lady. I told-- Oh, sorry.
MATTHEW: Call me. It was nice talking to you. [MATTHEW HANDS WILL A BUSINESS CARD.]
WILL: Me?
MATTHEW: Well, the-- Well, you and Jerry Lewis need to work on your act.
WILL: Oh. I don't know what happened. W-we killed at The Gap.
MATTHEW: The-the first one's my home number.
WILL: I'm Will, by the way.
MATTHEW: I'm Matt.
WILL: Matt, I know.
MATTHEW: Nice meeting you.
WILL: You, too.
MATTHEW: You think Jack's gonna be ok?
JACK: I just need to measure your inseam.
SHOPPER: But I just want socks.
JACK: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah, I think the healing process has already begun.
SCENE VII: The Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, Nicholas and Paula's room.
(A knock on the door. NICHOLAS opens the door to find GRACE.)
GRACE: Ok, I'm here. What's first? Who's first? How do we do this?
NICHOLAS: First, we slow down. Come on in. Let me take your coat. You're not nervous, are you?
GRACE: Nervous? No. What gave you that idea?
[NICHOLAS TAKES GRACE'S COAT. SHE'S WEARING ANOTHER JACKET UNDERNEATH.]
NICHOLAS: Two coats. Look at that.
GRACE: Well, the first coat's really just a primer. It won't get in the way of anything we're doing here. So where's Paula?
PAULA: [EXITING FROM THE BATHROOM, WEARING A ROBE] I'm here. Hi, Grace.
GRACE: Hey, hey, Paula.
PAULA: Let me take your coat.
GRACE: Oh, thank you. [PAULA TAKES OFF GRACE'S JACKET. SHE'S WEARING A SWEATER.] Oh. Ok, go.
PAULA: Relax, Grace. It's gonna be fun. We're just gonna-- Nicholas.
NICHOLAS: What?
PAULA: Why did you put my flute on the window? You know it can't get wet. [PAULA TAKES HER FLUTE CASE AND MOVES IT AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.]
NICHOLAS: I'm sorry.
PAULA: Geez.
NICHOLAS: I'm sorry. Look, it's no big deal--
PAULA: Ok!
[NICHOLAS AND PAULA SIT ON THE BED, AND BOTH PAT THE SPACE IN BETWEEN THEM.]
GRACE: You want me to sit between the two of you. Ok. [NERVOUS GIGGLING] Isn't it funny how this is the universal symbol for take a seat? I mean, it's the same to everybody-- Kids, dogs, sluts.
NICHOLAS: Come on, Grace. Don't say that. Do you remember when I... [NICHOLAS WHISPERS IN GRACE'S EAR]
GRACE: Heh heh.
NICHOLAS: Remember?
GRACE: Yeah.
NICHOLAS: It could be just like that. Ok?
GRACE: Well, it's just-- this time I'd have to wait my turn, but--
[PAULA BEGINS MASSAGING ONE OF GRACE'S SHOULDERS.]
GRACE: Ok.
NICHOLAS AND PAULA: [THEY PULL OFF GRACE'S SWEATER. SHE'S WEARING A SWEATSHIRT UNDERNEATH.] There you go.
GRACE: Ok... Yeah, that feels better. Hmm...
[GRACE AND NICHOLAS KISS. GRACE TURNS TO PAULA...]
GRACE: Ok, I'm gonna have to work my way up to you, but nice robe. [GRACE SHAKES PAULA'S HAND] Oh. Oh, that feels nice. Strong hands. [NICHOLAS BEGINS MASSAGING THE OTHER SHOULDER] Oh! More strong hands. They're popping up everywhere. Just like Starbucks franchises, only sexy.
NICHOLAS: She has beautiful hair, doesn't she, Paula? What? You're still on the flute?
PAULA: Well, you put it there on purpose, didn't you?
NICHOLAS: Give me a break, please?
GRACE: Oh, gosh. Oh, that's nice. I really had a knot there.
[PAULA PUSHES GRACE DOWN TO TALK TO NICHOLAS BEHIND HER BACK.]
GRACE: Oh!
PAULA: Because if I put your cello there under the window, the wrath that would rain down on me--
NICHOLAS: The only purpose of a flute is to make people cry during Irish movies.
PAULA: [STANDING UP] You know what? I am done. Next time you want to do a 3-way, why don't you do it with your cello and your ego?
NICHOLAS: Well, at least my cello makes noise when I touch it.
GRACE: Guys?
PAULA: I hate you, Nicholas!
NICHOLAS: I am so tired of you, Paula.
[NICHOLAS AND PAULA BOTH ARGUE. GRACE STANDS UP ON THE BED.]
GRACE: Hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute. Do you know how much soul-searching I had to do to come up with the courage to-- Oh, damn it. I am burning up! [GRACE RIPS OFF HER SWEATHIRT] Look... This is not me, ok? I'm a good girl from Schenectady. I went to Sunday school for 10 years. I was 16 before I let Bobby Kay go to second. So for me to come and participate in this is a big deal. So you two kiss and make up, because the three of us are gonna GET IT ON!
NICHOLAS: Baby, you are so hot!
PAULA: Let's do this right now.
NICHOLAS: Uh-huh!
[BOTH NICHOLAS AND PAULA GET ON THE BED, CORNERING GRACE.]
GRACE: Wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no.
NICHOLAS: What is it? W-w-what, what?
GRACE: This isn't me, ok? I'm a good girl from Schenectady. I went to Sunday school for 10 years. I was 16 before I let Bobby Kay go to second, so for me to come here and participate, this is a big deal. Too big a deal. I'm sorry, but I'm-- I'm--I'm gonna have to back out of this. And I just want to make this as smooth an exit as possible, so I'm just gonna take my sweater and my sweatshirt and my jacket... and my other jacket. Gosh, I feel like I'm leaving you high and dry. Do you want me to get the concierge? She--she looked pretty cute. Ok. [GRACE EXITS]
SCENE VIII: Grace Adler Designs.
(GRACE is telling WILL about her night.)
GRACE: I guess I always thought of myself as a little kinky.
WILL: Come on, Grace. It's ok. I've never been in a 3-way.
GRACE: Yeah, but you're gay. You have the kinky built in.
WILL: Oh, sure. That's why I joined.
KAREN: [ENTERING] So, come on. How was your sexcapade, honey? Were you the ham in a philharmonic sandwich? Did you roll over for Beethoven?
WILL: You want me to tell her?
GRACE: No, that's ok. I'm not ashamed. It was fantastic. There were so many arms and legs everywhere, Hindus were praying to us.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Oh... You sleazy skank.
GRACE: What? Karen--
KAREN: I gotta take the rest of the day off. The air in this room is ripe with filth. For God's sake, Grace. I'm a mother. [SHUDDERING] Oh!